not sure how i feel about this but it needs to get out of my head

A SHOUTOUT

for all the aces/ace spectrum folks who are in their 20s and
-have never been in a relationship or even on a date
-haven’t had their first kiss
..and..
-get scoffed at because of that
-are told that they’ll “change their minds” when they meet “the right person”
-secretly worry that those people (parents, strangers, friends, etc) are right
-secretly worry that they’re not really ace
-have watched all their friends from high school be in happy relationships
-have gone to friends’ weddings and are not sure how to feel about that
-don’t mind the idea of a relationship but worry that they won’t find someone who respects that they are ace/ace spectrum

you are real. you are wonderful. you can find love and romantic relationships and respect. and I’m writing this down so I don’t forget it. because I feel all of this. a lot.

I have to get it out of my head. How I fell for him. How I miss him.

I remember the first day I met him, and his eyes were a warm brown. It was still summer then, and all I wanted was to talk to him. I wanted to know if he felt the same thing.

Time passed.

I thought of him more and more. I thought of his laugh and the smell of his jackets and our deep conversations late at night and the way his smile lit up a room. And then we talked as if we’d known each other all our lives. Maybe in another life we did. I didn’t know what love felt like, but that sure seemed like it. It felt like falling. There’s this terrifying feeling that creeps up on you when you realize you need someone so badly. Your heart races. You say stupid stuff. You make wishes at 11:11. I was just a kid, but it didn’t matter. I’d still do it now.

Time passed again.

He faded from my life just like a season. One moment he was there no matter what, the next there was silence. That’s when I began to feel empty. The loneliness of abandonment always nags at you until you give into it. Even if you resist, it’s there. I miss him like you miss oxygen when you’re underwater too long. I miss him like that lemonade I was dying for the day we met. I miss him like you miss the rain when it’s a hundred degrees.

I want to tell him that he’s still everything, that the littlest things remind me of him. I want to say I feel alone when I look up at the stars without him beside me and that a field of grass under the sun isn’t peaceful without our quiet conversations. I want to tell him I think of him every night as I have trouble sleeping, every day as I feel detached. I want to say I’m in love. But I won’t tell him. I never do. I never did.

If he ever reads this, he won’t even know it’s about him.

—  you can’t be the one
I Remember

An anon request a rucas one shot based on the song Two Is Better Than One. I had so many different idea running through my head for this one. I’m not entirely sure how I feel about this one, but I hope you enjoy. 


Riley had just dropped the bombshell that she might be moving to London, and Lucas feels like someone just ran a truck right through his heart. They had been through so much to get to this point, finally being together, and now there is a possibility of it all being over when it was just getting started. Lucas couldn’t fathom the idea of living without Riley in his life, but if she moves thousands of miles of away, that’s what might happen.

Lucas and Riley had just had a heartfelt conversation on the stairs, but it was cut short when Maya pulled her away. He wanted to stop Riley from going, but he knew she needed time with Maya. Lucas watches the two walk up the stairs and out of sight, and he feels a pang in his chest. When he walks back into Topanga’s, he realizes this isn’t where he wants to be right now; he’s rather be alone. Lucas doesn’t say much when he leaves. He didn’t need to; everyone understood.


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4

“That right there - that’s what I’ve always liked about you…” Thawne started with a wicked smirk curling at his top lip to reveal a set of teeth that suddenly seemed too sharp. “You’re just too smart for you’re own good.”

“Dr. Wells…” You weren’t sure how to get out of this, but playing dumb seemed to be the way to go even though you were currently handcuffed in a room you never knew existed in S.T.A.R. Labs. You still had to try. Quickly forcing a laugh that sounded too nervous for your liking, you asked, “Are you feeling okay? I think you’ve been working too-”

“Stop.” He growled. “You know who I am, don’t you? Say it.” 

You pursed your lips and shook your head chaotically in a last attempt to lie to the man who had the power to reach through your body and stop your heart…

“Go on…” He urged through a rough whisper, his voice menacing and dark. “Say it.”

“Eobard Thawne.” You managed in a jittery tone… “Are you going to kill me?”

“Oh, no.” He said with a dark laugh. “I’ve got bigger plans for you…”

(X) (X) (~♫♪~) (~ Read One Shot Here ~)

yeesh, i’m sorry. never meant to set this up as a Zen-worshipping blog, but here we are… i need to get all of these lovey-dovey feelings for him out of my head T_T so here’s some more Zen… and his hair


Before the two of you had started living together, you’d never really had the chance to appreciate Zen’s hair. You knew it was long, sure, and you had kind of guessed - since the hair was attached to his head - that it was well-cared for. 

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Out of the Rain

Zimbits, 1350 words, A03

They’re a team, but they still need to work out the next play.
Reaction fic to Junior Year Part #10

*****

Bitty really hopes no one hears them making their way upstairs – he’s not sure what he’ll say if Chowder wanders out into the hallway right now.  He still can’t quite get his head around the fact that Jack is here, in the Haus, and apparently about to spend the night in his bed, without any reason (manufactured or otherwise) other than wanting to see him.

Jack closes the door carefully behind them and slides the lock, then turns and looks at Bitty. He’s still got that nervous expression on his face, and it hurts Bitty’s heart.  Bitty folds himself against Jack’s chest again, not caring about how damp his shirt is getting.  It feels too good to have Jack’s arms around him, to bury his face in Jack’s neck and breathe him in.

“Sorry, I’m sorry,” he says after a minute, pulling back and looking up at Jack.  “I said you could dry off, and here I am standing in your way.”

“You’re never in my way,” Jack says softly.  “And I thought you said that you would dry me off.

Bitty’s jaw drops and a hand flies to his mouth.  “Mr. Zimmermann, what are you implying?”

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aropotato  asked:

junkrat helping out a trans guy with dysphoria? (bonus points if he suggests blowing something up to take my mind off of stuff)

“A’ight mate, who needs some blowin’ up?” Junkrat asked, eyes looking around the room to find the culprit who upset you. A small chuckle came from you at his question, shaking your head to let him know it’s no one’s fault. Cocking his head to the side he rose an eyebrow, his voice now hushed “Is it about..?”

Without another word he pulled you into his chest, arms wrapped around you tightly. 

“Y’know, it’s not your fault ya were born like this. Ya shouldn’t beat yourself up like that. And, a’ight maybe I ain’t 100% sure how ya feel but I know how shit life can be, an’ things get real tough at times but ya can’t give up. Keep ya head up, mate.” He gently pulled away from you and leaned down to your eye level, a small smile on his face. “ You’re a guy, just like me an’ every other guy in the world - ya’ve always been one an’ ya always will be. You’re (y/n), one an’ only, one of a kind. Who cares what others think? If they argue I’ll blow ‘em up!” Cue the giggle from him before he pulled you into another hug. “It will pass, ya just have to keep pushin’ forward, yeah? An’ if things get too tough, I’m right here next to ya.”

There was a small moment of silence, his smile widened as he felt you nod against his shoulder. He let go of you once again to look at your face, reaching forwards to wipe your tears away. 

“Say, what about blowin’ something up with me, yeah? We’re gonna make a total mayhem!” Jamison’s eyes brightened when he heard you laugh, an adoring smile of his own creeping it’s way onto his face before it morphed into a happy grin. “Hey! There’s the laugh I love so much!”

Leaning forwards he placed a short, sloppy kiss on your forehead.

“ There’s my (y/n).”

yeesh, i’m sorry. never meant to set this up as a Zen-worshipping blog, but here we are… i need to get all of these lovey-dovey feelings for him out of my head T_T so here’s some more Zen… and his hair


Before the two of you had started living together, you’d never really had the chance to appreciate Zen’s hair. You knew it was long, sure, and you had kind of guessed - since the hair was attached to his head - that it was well-cared for. Even when you first saw him, in person, you hadn’t realised just how ridiculously gorgeous his hair was. Also, how ridiculously long it was. He wasn’t a short guy, and his silvery strands fell all the way to his waist, even brushing what you now knew was an equally gorgeous backside.

Zen never really spoke about his hair much - he was always more focused on his body and his face. But honestly, the fact that his shower - and bathroom cabinets - could be mistaken for a women’s spoke for him. They were lined with products that you were fairly sure he imported, products that you knew cost more than you earned in a week; he could have opened a shop with the stock of clips, hair ties, and brushes he kept in the baskets below his sink. He never really spoke about his hair, but oh boy, did he take care of it. Which would explain why it was so silky smooth. And soft. And so, so much fun to play with.

“Hey, ____?”

“Mmm…?”

“What are you doing?”

It was rarely that Zen actually had his hair down - even when the two of you were relaxing, at home, he kept it swept up in his usual style. Only when the two of you were in bed, bearing all to one another, did he let his hair free. It was one of your favourite times of the day - no matter the activities that took place in your bedroom, his hair was always immaculate, and the perfect comfort for you, especially at the end of a long day.

“Playing with your hair.”

“Yeah-huh, I can feel that.” You could hear the smile in his voice as he leaned back into your touch. “You’re the only one who ever gets to see my hair like this, you know?” You hummed in affirmation, moving your attention back up to his scalp. “Oh… That feels good…” Glancing over his shoulder, you saw Zen with his eyes closed, smiling as you massaged him. A while passed as you continued the movements, methodically pressing and rubbing.

“Why is that?”

“Huh?” You were sure he would have fallen asleep, had you not spoken.

“Why do you never wear your hair down? It’s lovely…” He groaned as your thumbs moved to press into his neck - he was always bent over a script, or his phone, or working out - the knots in his body were unbelievable, and you had no complaints about being the one to work them out.

“Honestly?” He sat up, allowing you greater access to his back. “It’s just too long. I like it this length - it makes me look even more unique,” you smiled to yourself - no one else could say that about themselves so casually. “but it would get in the way if I wore it down every day. Besides,” he glanced over his shoulder at you. “if I wore it down around others, then it wouldn’t be so special for you. I prefer it this way, and I think you do, too.”

“Makes sense, I guess-”

“Oh, and it’s super sensitive.”

“… What?”

“Yeah.” He turned around fully, now. “Like, if it gets caught on anything, or pulled. It’s… Not something I want happening in public.” A slight flush spread across his pale skin, and he laughed sheepishly at your confused gaze. “It’s kind of hard to explain, to be honest. I like you playing with it, because… You’re you… But I don’t want anyone else touching it. Y'know?”

“When you say sensitive-”

“Yes.”

“Really?”

“Yeah.”

You couldn’t stop your mischievous grin. “So…” Zen was looking visibly panicked now - he seemed to have just realised exactly what he had revealed to you. “If I were to… Pull on it…”

“Ah… That’s for you to find out another time, my love.”

“Aw, come on.”

“We’ve already done it once tonight!” He was now visibly flustered, slowly shuffling away from you on the bed. You relented, holding up your hands.

“Alright, but no promises.” You loved this - finding out new things about the person you had fallen in love with. Every small thing you learned made you love him all the more, made you want to find out more, and, above all, made you grateful that you had even met this strange, lovely person.

“… But I wouldn’t mind you continuing that massage…”

Chuckling at his admission, you gestured for him to turn back around. That same waterfall of silver hair returned to your gaze - you were grateful that Zen only ever wore his hair down around you, really. He was almost ethereal, bathed in the moonlight streaming through the still-open balcony doors, all pale skin, crimson eyes, and white hair. Knowing this was a sight only you would ever get to see, you realised that Zen was quite right: You definitely preferred things this way.

I have a second interview tomorrow! I’m pretty sure I got the job ^___^

I also just found out that some cool people I went to high school with work there!! It’ll be so much easier to transition since there will be people I know there. There’ll be a lot less pressure, and I’ll have people to laugh at all my dumb jokes (I love love love making people laugh!!!)

I feel like working again will really help improve my mental health. Getting back into a routine, fixing my sleep schedule, making my own money, and it’ll be a good distraction from all the bad thoughts in my head. 

I feel like I desperately need a break from….myself? Kind of like when you hang out with someone too much and it feels like they’re smothering you so you need to take a break from them for a little while, but eventually come back to them? That’s how I feel about my own self right now haha….. Too much time on my hands to think about sad stuff.

6

“Who’re you?”

Beth didn’t speak, biting her lip instead. Her shoulders were squared and she lifted her chin. His eyes roamed her face and she allowed that too. They stopped on her forehead.

“What’s your wound? Did you get bit?”

She didn’t answer, but took a step forward. He lifted his machete higher in warning.

“Did…you…get…bit?” he growled out. She shook her head and his tension eased a little.

“What is your wound?” he asked.

“Gunshot,” she murmured. His eyes widened at that, and she supposed it was even more bizarre for other people to hear she survived such a thing.

-

It looked like a map out of Georgia and there was some sort of written scrawl at the bottom. The man’s next words caused her heart to stutter.

“Do you know Rick Grimes?”

The “yes” tumbled out before she could stop it. The man’s eyes lit up and he took another step forward. It didn’t feel threatening so Beth didn’t move away, but she watched him carefully.

“Is he a part of your group?”

Beth bit her lip before revealing: “He’s our leader.”

[x] (pls dont remove the text thanks)

Why is the Legend of Zelda fandom full of such #Edgy people...

Legit every post I see about the damn game is “Man I wish we could have the same dark art style as Twilight Princess so it’s depressing and helpless and it feels rEAL”

Like ok so:

1. First of all, get your head out of your ass you goddamn #Edgelord. I’m not sure you understand Nintendo’s Target Audience, which is isn’t a bunch of #Edgelords. It’s Family, it needs to appeal to all ages, and I don’t really think Twilight Princess appealed to many younger kids with how it looked.

2. You completely underestimate the power of what cartoon/art in general can do. The art style was inspired by Studio Ghibli, watch any of those movies and tell me it can’t be powerful. All you’d need to do is change the lighting or a few colours and bam, your depressive wankfest cometh forth.

3. Not everyone wants a depressing scenario. Yes, my favourite games are also Majora’s Mask and Twilight Princess, but that was mostly because of what the games themselves did with gameplay, not how dark it was. I can already tell Breath of the Wild is going up there too.

Please stop spamming Nintendo with this crap, because it annoys me too, it’s all over the damn place. Just let people enjoy the game, love it for what new things it’s bringing to us, and not complaining because it’s not giving you the chance for a Sad Wank™ or because it’s not adhering to the “Legend of Zelda formula” (whereas in fact, it’s closer to the Legend of Zelda formula than Ocarina of Time was, which you all seem to think is the first and only Zelda game).

In the moment, I can’t listen to Infinite’s new MV or music because my heart will start to ache in so many ways and my head starts to swirl: “The Eye” is simply one of the best songs that has been released over the last few years and I’m VERY scared Infinite won’t get what they deserve. Other fandoms are already pitying us for our “low MV views” or how we didn’t manage to give them an allkill. I see Sungjong, who has been starving himself for weeks now, I see Myungsoo who performed with a gritted face today because of the pain in his knees, I think of Woohyun who still sufferes from his cold and especially Dongwoo and how he must feel after the loss of his father. Every single one of them poured his EVERYTHING into this comeback and they simply deserve nothing less than pure love and support and I have such a bad feeling about the comeback this time, it’s kinda hard to explain, but it’s there. The competition is surely high and I’m already tired because I know how my heart will break if they don’t do “well enough” on the music shows and charts. Also “MAMAs” are coming up but other K-Pop fans seem to just look at me with a sad smile when I think out loudly if they have a chance against Exo, BTS or Got7, especially when it comes to dancing. Why aren’t we aloud to call them in the same breath as those groups anymore? When did this happen?

Infinite really delivered a comeback that thore me into pieces and I just can’t help but worry SO much for them. “The Eye” has brought me to tears, it’s such a crafted song but imagining that Infinite isn’t getting back anything of it makes me crazy. I pray and wish that they don’t feel dissappointed with themselves or get the need to do even better next time because their skills and talents are already so good, it’s nearly ridiculous. I want them to know that they have a fan right here who can’t express how glad she is that they’re existing, that they changed her life completely and that she feels so desperate right now because she doesn’t know how to ever repay the huge strength and mental support they gave to her all over the last few years. It would break my heart if I ever needed to see their dissapointed faces or need to hear how they’re sorry how they couldn’t do better and right now my head just hurts because Infinite did so much for this comeback and I’m really scared that they’ll be left with the thought that they still didn’t do enough.

It’s all about the stories we tell ourselves…

This is mostly just me thinking out loud with my hands on the keyboard. So take it as stream of consciousness or something of that kind. It’s really nothing thoroughly thought through, but rather a collection of things that I keep mulling over in my head. So from here on out: I might not make a lot of sense, probably won’t answer a thing, but just pose tons more questions. You have been warned! :)

What I keep coming back to is how tightly the show has been structuring this season around stories and how slowly but surely every single story we get told gets proved not entirely true to completely false. In a way that has always been something SPN has dealt with since they always gave the lore and legends a few twists and turns along the way, but I feel like the second half of S9 and particularly this season it serves a broader narrative purpose and all of it centers around the myth arc.

To me the thread about stories has been made a big and important point in 9x11 “First Born” for the first time, which makes sense given it was the episode to launch us into the myth arc that centers around the Mark of Cain and how Cain tells Dean and Crowley the true story that the bible did not tell. The story of how he killed his brother not out of envy, but out of “love and care” and to prevent him from getting corrupted and a slave to Lucifer. In return he received a mark, became a “soldier of hell”, a bringer of “darkness and chaos” – which btw is one pretty awesome contrast to the one entity he owes the curse to: Lucifer – the light bringer.

In a way I had to think back on Cain’s whole story when mulling over “Hansel and Gretel” some more and how their story differs from the fairytale. Just like Cain didn’t kill Abel out of envy, maybe Hansel ate Gretel’s heart (there is something about this image that just kind of bugs me, but I cannot get to what it is about) thinking that way she’d be at peace (of course there is a long string of creepy problems to talk about here with the witches and Hansel’s relationship in relation to that – so I won’t), in heaven and for that willfully gave himself to the witch. One could even say he got a Mark of Cain of his own – a scarred face.

If you take these two stories as a mirror or parallel to the Winchester’s story, it poses some interesting, yet scary questions. Cain’s story was already “kind of repeated” (with some twists and turns) by Dean, question is, will we now see Sam take into account working with a witch believing it is the only way to save Dean? The signs of him possibly making a deal of some sort with Rowena or being vulnerable to a scenario of that kind have been there, so I wouldn’t be terribly surprised. But the question is: How would that break the toxic cycle of self sacrifice the Winchesters are caught in? Possibly not at all. Instead we know, the river ends at the source. I’m sure we all have our headcanons, I personally think if they are doing a really neat tie in it means Lucifer, in a broader sense I’d say it’s god it all ends with (especially now that we know god (Chuck) is alive and back), but given how this season has also highlighted fucked up family dynamics and crappy childhoods due to messed up parents it could also mean John Winchester – it’s highly unlikely though that will be the case.

Maybe it means going back to the start, for them to start over – like Tina was able to and like Dean wished he would have been able to – and do it all again, but different. “Alter the sigil, alter the spell”, alter the story you tell about yourself…

But it’s not just the stories of others that continuosly get rendered false, it’s the main characters addressing this very thing in relation to their own life stories as well. From Crowley telling Dean in 9x17 “Mother’s Little Helper” “Whatever you need to tell yourself to sleep better at night” in relation to Dean’s growing dependence to the blade and the powers of the mark Dean was not ready to admit to struggle with to Dean telling Cole in 10x07 “Girl Girls Girls” that “This was his story” and that he’s got one of those, too, but that those stories sometimes blind them and take them to dark places (a freaking amazing contrast that is painted in this one sentence within the show *bows down in front of the writers*). Storytelling - It’s a tool of reflection and projection at the same time. And with 10x05 “Fan Fiction” as well as 9x18 “Meta Fiction” the show has been delving pretty deep in terms of meta and addressing the pushes and pulls of creating content and story. Metatron said he is an entity of his word. While he loves himself some big talk, I think with this line he might have given away more than he wanted, a plan to destroy him and “destiny” all over again.

In 6x20 “The Man Who Would Be King” Castiel monologues about how they “ripped up the ending and the rules” and with that already playing with the notion of stories. Maybe in order to find balance, I think, because even after their biggest obstacle – the apocalypse – was averted nothing truly changed for the better. Maybe that is due to the big story having been derailed, but our main characters being to pre-occupied with “thankfully”” saving the world, but not picking up the pen themselves and write their own story, how they intend it to be. They are the paper, they are the ink, they are the pen, but they seem to have no idea or seem to be too afraid to start writing. Hansel said something important in that regard imo: “It was based on a true story, they just gave it a happy ending.” Maybe that is exactly the Winchesters’ problem. They only know how to write a tragedy while all of them desperately long for a happy ending.

I.
my brain is broken
it cracked like an egg the day i learned
what it feels like to know i’m not enough
it hasn’t healed quite right since
faltering on all the words that should have been said
collapsing over the ones that were

(the word damaged plays on a constant loop in my head)

II.
i’m an ass,
we’ve established that
jealousy coats my veins like thick black tar
and i am incapable of communicating
the way you deem a lover should

but i never used the threat of infidelity
as a cheap shot to try and fix you

(take what you need,
give nothing back in return)

III.
you know nothing about me
except that i am built upon the words “i’m trying”

i am inside out, upside down,
and all turned around
i am still trying to find my place,
still trying to find my name,
still searching for a face i recognize
whenever confronted with a mirror

but you never bothered to learn these things,
did you?

(all of my anger tastes like you)

IV.
i am not the girl you claimed to love
i am the person learning, however slowly, to love myself 

i am the person you will never know

(good fucking riddance)

—  “four things i’d like to say to your face”, - clarke