not so happy with this but all for amanda :)

Sometimes the customer is wrong for unrelated reasons.

Due to the well of my friends’ “def not an axe murderer” date recommendations drying up, I have turned to that most sacred of modern relationship institutions: online dating. As a very busy person trying to get it in with other very busy people, I prize honestly and directness above all else when it comes to profile creation. I include full body shots in my photos, try to minimize the use of MySpace angles in selfies, and write at the very top of the summary/caption/profile that I am fat. Not “curvy,” not “thick,” not “lots to love”–I’m f*cking fat. I’m not ashamed of it, but I also known that weight is a dealbreaker for lots of people. I don’t want to waste anyone’s time.

About a year ago I met “Evan” via Tinder. We exchanged friendly messages for a few hours one night and agreed to meet up for drinks the following evening. I waited for a full hour past the designated time, and just as I was getting up to leave, the texts started rolling in.

“I can see you sweating from here.” “How long does it take you to roll out of bed every morning?” “Is there an earthquake or are you just getting up for more pretzels?”

Really idiotic, juvenile shit. Four separate numbers, commenting on things like my clothes, which clued me in that the senders were nearby. This went on for 15 minutes before I finally saw Evan, trying to hide in at a corner table and giggling with a group of buddies. I made eye contact, saw that he saw me, and then walked out. The texts kept up until I blocked the numbers a few hours later.

I ran into Evan about 3 weeks later. We got on the same elevator, and he tried really hard at being super interested in the emergency phone instructions. I just confronted him, and he admitted it was just some “game” that him and his friends play. He knew I was fat before agreeing to meet up; they all did, because that’s what they do. Match up with fat women, then either ghost them or “troll” them at the meet-up. It was also kinda obvious he’d never seen any consequences from this bullshit, as he was sweating pretty hard and looked more humiliated than I felt. I just said whatever and walked out, expecting to never see him again.

About a month ago, some local foodie wrote a great review of the restaurant I own, and we’ve been slammed ever since. In the past, I stayed mostly in the kitchen, but I’ve been doing more and more front-of-house stuff lately, and Valentine’s Day I was working a bit of a split between the two.

I saw Evan just as he was pushing in his date’s chair. My name isn’t on the restaurant, and he didn’t see me. I checked the section up at the hostess stand and saw that one of my favorite old-timers, Nan, was going to be his waitress. I went to the bar till, took out $400, put it in her hands, and said, “This is going to be your only table for the rest of the night. You are going to make this the worst date he has ever been on.”

She spilled every single thing she brought out to the table, all over him. I was waiting for him to blow up on Nan, but he bottled it up, obviously trying to make a good impression on his date. She seemed like a perfectly lovely lady; I told Nan to make sure everything was good for her and terrible for Evan.

She poured ice water on his d*ck. She smacked the back of his head with the edge of a tray. Spilled soup on his shirt. Dropped every fork he asked for. I personally oversalted his food, used the shit liquor for his drinks, used flour instead of sugar on his dessert. To be honest, I don’t know why he didn’t just walk out. He must have really wanted to f*ck this woman.

Finally, he cracked. Demanded Nan find the manager and bring her out. I was only too happy to emerge from the kitchen with my chef’s coat and say what, I’m not ashamed to admit, I’d been planning out all night.

“I would have said hi earlier, but I didn’t want the earthquake to disturb your dinner.”

I will savor the look on Evan’s face for the rest of my life.

He was a little too flummoxed to explain, so I pulled a chair up to the table and introduced myself to his date, Amanda. Told her how I met Evan. Showed her some fun old messages. Then I told gave her a voucher for a free meal on her next visit and told Evan to get the f*ck out and never come back.

He deleted his Tinder profile.

Okay so it’s time for fluffy headcanon about MC and Damien’s happily ever after:
- MC’s handwriting gradually starts to improve because he and Damien write letters to each other constantly. Like every day. He’s not at Damien’s level of penmanship, but he’s getting better. He still seals his letters with the kitten wax seal though.
- They keep up the letter writing even after they move in together. ‘My beloved, could I trouble you to purchase a dozen of the finest eggs when you pay a visit to the grocer after work? I had hoped to make french toast when Amanda graces us with her presence this weekend.’
- They both write letters to Amanda while she’s at college too. She usually sends back a torn piece of notebook paper with ‘ok cool, love ya pops’ written in colorful gel pen and sealed with a sticker (she saves the actual catching up for phone calls and visits, but she thinks the letters are hilarious)
- She usually refers to Damien as her dad’s ‘suitor,’ until they get married and then she starts calling him stuff like ‘esteemed father.’ She also calls him Gomez Addams or Lestat at times.
- Lucien is slow to admit it, but he really warms up to his new family too, especially since his dad is so happy. He and Amanda become good friends and text often, he finds her easy to talk to and she grows fond of her new gloomy bro who’s actually sweeter than he seems.
- After Lucien goes to college and moves out, MC and Damien decide to get a dog. They want a hypoallergenic one though, because of course they want Lucien to be comfortable when he visits. They end up with a tiny fluffy Bichon who they name Queen Victoria. Of course.
- MC and Damien attend pretty much every Victorian themed museum exhibit or event or movie or whatever they can get their hands on. MC has honestly gotten interested in the stuff and lets Damien design him a whole historically accurate outfit too. He doesn’t wear it every day, but it’s kind of fun to put that stuff on for dates and special occasions.
- They avoid scary movies, but every so often there’s a gothic horror movie that’s just SO accurate with the Victorian costumes and has such FANTASTIC attention to detail and…yeah, they’ve got to go see it. Damien holds MC’s hand the whole time and hides his face on his shoulder during the really scary parts (MC lets him know when the scary bit is over and it’s safe to look again.)
- MC is usually pretty adverse to the outdoors, but he really likes working with Damien in the garden. It’s relaxing, and he likes to listen to Damien talk about the flowers and their meanings while they work.
- Damien really helps MC deal with the grief about his late spouse that he just wasn’t able to let go of yet. Damien’s attitude toward death and grieving is really just the thing he needed, and Damien assures him that it’s fine to take all the time he needs. It doesn’t matter that his spouse passed a while ago, that grief is still perfectly valid. Turns out it’s a lot easier to finally work through everything when he’s not trying to put on a brave face all the time for Amanda.
- When they finally get married it’s the most extravagant affair. A very historically accurate recreation of Victorian weddings down to the last detail (except for, of course, no one batting an eye at the two grooms.) MC cries because he’s a big softy. Damien cries too because he never thought he’d find such happiness. Those fancy monogrammed handkerchiefs get a lot of mileage.
- Just Damien and MC being so happy and healthy and in love!!

Robert doesn’t really mind if Amanda calls him dad or not. He knows now that that kind of thing takes years of respect and trust, god knows he doesn’t deserve Val still calling him her dad after all he’s done. So when he comes home late from a date with MC, he’s absolutely shocked to see Val and Amanda in the living room, cheesy streamers and a banner that reads “HAPPY FATHERS DAY DADS” in blue glitter letters, and Val looks happy, arms crossed over her chest as amanda bounds over, thrusting one present each into their hands before retreating to Val’s side. His present is a beautiful piece of redwood, sanded down to a fine sheen, perfect for whittling. Val makes a side comment that she found it in the middle of the road, figured he could make something pretty out of it. He doesn’t care about that, doesn’t care about amanda mumbling “so many google searches for a piece of wood”, all he cares about the hug Val gives him and the whispered “happy Father’s Day, dad”

6

dirk gently’s holistic detective agency + text posts 1/?

Things I Will Never Get Over in the DCEU

1. Clark Kent saying: “"Kal? That’s my name?” in the breathless, joyous tone

2. The line: “Welcome to the Planet.”

3. The fact that Henry Cavill adopted a dog and named him Kal-El and adopted a bat named Ben

4. Znyder’s gorgeous cinematography and visuals

5. Hans Zimmer’s score for both MoS and BvS

6. Amy’s performance as Lois Lane

7. Ben’s performance as Bruce Wayne

8. Alfred’s sass

9. Diana’s outfits in BvS

10. The absolute devastation of my feelings when Clark (spoilers!) sacrifices Krypton for humanity and later sacrifices himself for humanity

11. How amazing it is that Jesse Eisenberg gave a mind-blowingly powerful, multi-layered performance as Lex Luthor

12. Wonder Woman’s theme when she appears in BvS for the first time in full costume

13. The aesthetics of Suicide Squad

14. Will Smith’s performance as Floyd Lawton 

15. Zoe Lawton

16. Harley’s sigh of relief after she realizes June Moon’s alive and Rick can have his happy ending

17. Killer Croc’s makeup

18. “"We just saved the world! A little thank you would be nice!” “Thank you.” “You’re welcome!”

19. Heathens

20. Deadshot checking to make sure Harley’s okay at every chance without making it look like he actually cares about her

21. Batman’s fight scenes!

22. Diablo at full power “It’s on, bitch!”

23. How Viola Davis made Amanda Waller so imposing I’d rather fight Enchantress than take Waller on any day

24. How bonded all the cast seems to be

25. The genius decision of casting Jason Momoa as Aquaman

26. Amber Heard as Mera, queen of Atlantis

27. The paradise of Themiscyra

28. The whole Wonder Woman movie!

29. The resounding message of hope even in the darkest times in every movie

30. The “Martha.” scene

So I just finished Damien’s route and I loved it and it was adorable so here have a cute au:

  • Mary and Damien have known each other since they were young children. Their parents were friends so they often ended up having play-dates together. But since they came from very “traditionalist” (read: bigoted) families, they ended developing a very tight bond over their shared fear of their parents ever finding out they’re trans and poly, respectively
  • The day Damien (the younger of the 2) turned 18, they left their small-minded little town together and never looked back
  • It was difficult at first, with no college education and working two part-time jobs each to pay rent. But they were able to power through it. Together they were able to put Damien through school.
  • Damien even meets a pretty sweet guy in his last year of college. They hit it off real well. But after a year or so of dating, he starts pressuring Damien to start “acting more ladylike” and to “hurry up and get over this tomboy phase”. Mary is having none of this, so she packs them both up and they hit the road once again.
  • It’s easier this time, with Damien having his degree and Mary having experience as a secretary at a vet clinic. The two arrive in Maple Bay, where they end up settling down.
  • Mary is there to support Damien when it turns out he’s pregnant.
  • For the first three years of his life, Lucien calls her “mom”.
  • When Mary meets and falls in love with Joseph, she says a great big “fuck you” to social norms and has Damien as her best man at her wedding.
  • Damien is totally godfather to both Chris and Crish
  • (Robert is the twins’ godfather)
  • When MC and Amanda move to the neighborhood, Mary sees Damien’s smitten expression at the backyard barbecue when he first lays eyes on MC, and she decides to keep a close eye on the two
  • Mary also sees the way MC looks at Damien, and relaxes, knowing that this is him. He’s the one they’ve been waiting for. She listens to Damien gush about their dates, and is super proud of her sweet boy when he tells her how he was able to sit through an entire horror movie without fainting.
  • She listens to Damien worrying about what MC will think when it comes out that he’s just “some boring it worker”, and she starts sharpening her hatchet in preparation. But then she sees MC’s expression when he sees Damien that day at the shelter. And she relaxes, because he’s shocked, but he’s still just as smitten as always.
  • The three are inseparable after that, and when Mary meets MC’s daughter at her graduation party, the last of her fears are put to rest. Amanda’s a charming, mischievous little imp of a girl - she’s rebellious, but it’s clear how much she adores and respects her father. Any man who could raise such a beautiful person would be a good influence on Lucien.
  • With MC’s help, Damien is also eventually able to convince Mary to leave her toxic marriage. She and Joseph part on relatively amicable terms. They have joint custody of the kids. Mary ends up moving in with Damien and Lucien temporarily.
  • After a few months of hemming and hawing, Mary and Robert get their act together and…get together.
  • For Damien and MC’s first anniversary together, MC enlists in Lucien’s help to find a breeder with hypoallergenic dogs that Lucien is okay with. They end up coming home with an adorable little maltese terrier puppy. Damien starts crying when he sees it.
  • When Amanda’s first summer back from uni rolls around, she’s noticed that her father spends basically all her time at Damien’s home. So she just rolls her eyes and tells them to “hurry up and move in together already!”
  • There’s a lot of stammering and blushing and eventually they agree
  • Lucien tries very hard not to show how happy he is. It doesn’t work.
  • Mary ends up buying MC’s old home, and she and Robert live there together, with her kids over every other week.
  • Lucien, a year younger than Amanda, has just finished high school. He’s not quite as ambitious as his new sister. He likes his life in Maple Bay, in his tight-knit little community with all his friends and family. He ends up attending a local community college instead of going away for university.
  • Lucien and Amanda become thick as thieves. In the four months Amanda is home for summer vacation, they get up to a lot of mischief, along with Ernest. But Amanda’s steady sense of responsibility keeps the boys from doing anything too outrageous.
  • During Amanda’s second summer home from uni, MC and Damien finally get married. Mary is Damien’s maid of honour, and Craig is MC’s best man.
  • Amanda and Lucien, despite repeated protests that they’re waaaay too old for it, end up being the flowergirl and ringbearer respectively. (Their fathers had offered to have either Mary’s twins or Craig’s twins do it - both had staunchly refused and jealously guarded their coveted positions).

HAPPY NEW YEAR AGAIN!!!!

dream daddy is the cutest sh*t and i’m still emotional about all of hugo’s dates

Initial thoughts on DDADDS

At last, I have a copy of Dream Daddy: A Dad Dating Simulator to call my own! I’ve played for about 3 hours so far, and this game has already charmed the pants off of me. Here are some highlights:

  • The Dad creator is really cool, with a lot of different options to work with to make your own awesome Dadsona
  • But more importantly, when I was choosing what type of Dad bod I wanted, they had 3 body types that came wearing either a tank top or a chest binder. You guys, they have trans Dads, and it made me so incredibly happy to see that kind of inclusion, major kudos to the developers
  • You have an awesome daughter Amanda who helps guide you through your social life, but she’s more than just a host. She’s my daughter, we watch crappy tv together and talk through our problems together and I actually care about her
  • All the Dads are awesome! I was a little hesitant about some of the dads based off of their looks, but they’re all so unique and fleshed out, I really want to get to know all of them
  • YOU GUYS THE DAD JOKES ARE ON ANOTHER LEVEL
  • AT ONE POINT I WAS HIT WITH 6 DAD JOKES BACK TO BACK
  • Seriously, I’m playing this game just constantly giggling to myself
  • There’s a decent amount of My Chemical Romance jokes too, which I appreciate
  • Naruto/Sasuke slash fiction
  • The music is really enjoyable to listen to, certain games have me muting my laptop because the repetition is a killer, but the background music is pretty cool and not grating at all
  • Not only are the Dads cool, but their kids are cool too! They also have their own unique personalities and they are more than just props to move the story forward
  • The writing is fucking fantastic, it’s funny and heart-warming and makes me blush and cringe and laugh out loud

The wait was definitely worth it. Please go play DDADDS, you won’t regret it

4

Footage from the police interview with ‘Selfie Killer’, Amanda Taylor

On the 4th of April 2015, Amanda Taylor stabbed her father-in-law, Charles Taylor (59), to death, with the help of Sean Ball. Amanda blamed Charles for her husband’s death, Rex Taylor, who had hanged himself in August 2014. After the stabbing, she posed for a selfie with the dead body and shared it online.

‘‘… I was very happy, I was very happy just to finally get all that built-up hate and anger and all those feelings out on him… When I stabbed he just looked at me and was like “what are you doing?” … I continued to stab him but he kept yelling and it made me nervous so Sean took the crow bar, the tire iron or whatever, and hit him in the back of the head… I was just really excited and I was like hey I’m gonna take a picture so I can post it and show everyone. It was just something that I, it made me really happy…’’

Amanda Taylor was charged with first-degree murder and got sentenced to life in prison. Sean Ball was charged with second-degree murder and got sentenced to 60 years in prison.

Your Guide on Edit Theft

Topics covered in this guide:

1. The Basics

  • What is edit theft?
  • Why is it bad?

2. Proper Use

  • Using edits in other contexts.
  • Using edits on themes.

3. Proper Credit

  • Why “not my edit” is not okay.
  • Always ask first!

Read more below the cut!

Keep reading

3

In case you couldn’t tell from the obsessive yelling, I am thoroughly enjoying Dirk Gently. So heres an attempt to fit all the awesomeness into one giant picture. I think I mostly succeeded (although I missed out the Rowdies…and Pepe…and, well a lot honestly), but I’m pretty happy with it. Also have some bonus icons/close ups because I’m really happy with how these two dorks turned out.

2

09.22.17 // 12:55 P.M - HAPPY FIRST DAY OF FALL! 🍁🍂. I’m so freaking proud of my layout this week… Mainly the doodle on the bottom hehehehe! 

Thank you all so much for 2200 followers! I want to celebrate somehow, but I’m not sure what to do. Send me some suggestions:) ❤️❤️ 

 - Amanda

anonymous asked:

The Dads react to a mute Dadsona, who lost their voice during Amanda's childhood.

(I’ve seen one like this!! I love the idea tbh!)
Robert:
🔪isn’t too suprised, just more like “oh, you can’t talk”
🔪personally. I see him having a knowledge of sign language already due to a childhood friend teaching him. So i see this kind of being a nice memory revisit for him as well.
🔪if they got together, Robert would be his second hand translator.
🔪probably not as cold with him as he usually would be with new people.
Damien:
⚰kind of taken back? Honestly didn’t expect he would ever meet someone mute.
⚰Has a hard time understanding him with sign language, and obviously feels very bad. Like you can see his sadness with himself. It’s soulcrushing for him.
⚰Dadsona and him probably get along really nicely, due to both being different in their own way
⚰Low key Damien would probably send Dadsona flowers with what each one means.
Craig:
💦I can see Dadsona losing his voice after losing touch with Craig. When they met again, Craig was all excited, but was confused when he didn’t talk.
💦Shocked when he finds out how dadsona went mute. Like absolutely floored.
💦he tries his best tbh.
💦happy to chill with his bro no matter what.
Joseph:
📿He knows it. He sees some people come to him during church who communicate with sign language, so he learned it to help others.
📿Very happy to see the reaction he got when Dadsona saw he understood. Pure joy.
📿Very pleased to help out Dadsona.
📿Honestly, loves to see how others are with communication.

Mat:
☕Kind of confused, more shocked that Dadsona is mute. Amanda probably would translate for Dadsona.
☕This dork ends up guessing at it like a game
☕I would like to imagine he ends up getting Dadsona into playing a musical instrument so they can have music jams together, and so they can express an emotion with not just voices, but with a musical outlet melody that the both could understand.
☕slowly catches onto the sign language.
Hugo:
📚He has experienced some mute or deaf children in his classroom over the years, so he has some experience with sign language and translating.
📚Be a bit rusty, but can use understand sign language pretty well.
📚He’s pretty happy to see that Dadsona isn’t letting it really get to him much. How he still goes about with a smile brings him happiness.
📚Makes sure that Dadsona is alright and if there needs to be assistance, he is there to help :>
Brian:
🐶Pretty confused at first, not sure why Dadsona doesn’t talk. It takes a bit to pick up on what’s going on.
🐶He tries his best to understand. Picking up small phrases here and there. Daisy probably would help as well.
🐶Daisy would probably be able to pick up sign language pretty fast, so she helps her dad by teaching him more than just simply hellos and simple phrases.
🐶Brian does his best to help keep clear communication, even if he gets stumped. Sometimes feels like he’s plating a guessing game.

(ASKS ARE CLOSED STAY TUNED)

Aliens, abuse and self harm (I might make a second blog just to post these type of texts. Lemme know what all y'all think) (tw: abuse mention; abusive relationship; self harm)

Amanda was fixing a ship after a surprise attack from a ferocious specie.

She was wearing a top and shorts since it was hot and it was easier to move. As she was minding her business, Eliixa came from out of nowhere and spoke, which startled Amanda.


“Excuse me, miss Amanda. I need your signature on this document. It came from the engineer department.”


“Just a sec.” She said, as she was getting out beneath the ship.


Amanda signed and reached the document back to Eliixa.

It was in that moment that the blue alien saw Amanda’s arms.

“MISS AMANDA! HAVE YOU BEEN HURT BADLY DURING THE ATTACK? WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL THE DOCTOR??”

“Whoa whoa whoa! Chill, Eli. I’m fine, these… these are some old scars.”

“And was the responsible of this act caught?”

“Hmmm… you see… I made these. Years ago, when I was in a bad place.”

Eliixa didn’t understand. Why would miss Amanda do that? And to herself?


“But why? Why would you do that?”


Amanda thought for a minute. How would she explain that to the alien?

“Well… I… I was in a bad situation. I was dealing with an abusive husband and had a miscarriage due to the abuse. The only way of dealing with all was… cutting…”

“What? Miss Amanda, with all due respect, but… there should be another way. Why didn’t you just asked for a separation contract?”


Amanda was getting uncomfortable.

“Look Eli, I know you mean good, but there are things that most of beings do not need to know. I am in a happy place with a wonderful relationship. So you do not need to worry, okay?”


Eliixa still couldn’t understand. But she didn’t want to upset her friend.

“Okay… well, I will deliver this to the engineer department. Thank you.”

“Thank you


At night, Eliixa searched through files any info about Amanda’s ex. It took a while, but she finally found it. Where he lived, what he did…

Eliixa grinned menacingly.

She sent a message to the place where he worked.


The next day, all news broadcast were telling about a man who was arrested for beating his wife and son. Eli felt she did some justice, for both the woman and the boy and for Amanda, specially.

the cast of IT and Stranger Things and other famous kids between the ages of 12 to 18 make me so proud. they are all so unproblematic and great kids. now, I understand that growing up in the limelight like that can mess with these kids which is how some child celebs end up like Amanda Bines and Lindsey Lohan. But these kids are just so happy and act their age instead of being over sexualized and made to mature too fast. It just makes me happy that they get to be kids and do something fun.