not seduced

Context: Our party had been hunting the mystery of what happened to a collapsed kingdom. We found that it was destroyed by a creature capable of eating stars- among other things. Our sorceress found some dream vision spell and decided it was perfect for getting more information and, of course, ended up drawing it’s attention and getting herself marked as a target. After a while, we found someone who had some information on the creature.

GM (As the NPC): So, it’s marked you then. The only way to keep its gaze from you is to gain the protection of a god. If you devote your being to one, mind, soul and body, you may be granted that. May I suggest looking into becoming a cleric or paladin? Of course, you could also be taken as a lover by a god. That always works, but honestly that’s a little unrealistic.


Sorceress: (Pauses) … So do you know how to get gods on Tinder?

Context: I’m a new DM playing with a small group of veteran D&Ders (consisting of a high-elf Ranger, a Dragonborn warrior and literal cat? cleric), and they suggested that we do a small series of one-offs to get me used to being a DM. We’re in our third one, which is based off the C'thulhu mythos, and they’re about to face off with Nyarlathotep when this happens.

Me: Okay, you find your way to Nyarlathotep’s chapel and as you enter, you hear his voice in your head saying, “Ah, my sacrifices have arrived.”

Ranger: What does he look like?

Me: Knowledge check that.

Ranger: *rolls an 18*

Me: You remember he is described as a tall, swarthy, sinister man, looking as if he had just walked out of Egypt. Dark skin, dark eyes, well built; he looks like a Pharaoh that walked straight out of the past.

Warrior: I roll to seduce!

Me: Excuse me?

Warrior: I roll to seduce the handsome Egyptian-Eldritch god.

Me: … I don’t even know why I’m allowing this but okay.

Warrior: *rolls a nat20*

I’m just staring in disbelief at this point, and everyone else is laughing.

Me: Okay, fine. Nyarlethotep pauses and considers, then grabs you and stuffs a tentacle down your throat and into your stomach, placing something, probably an egg of some sort, there before tossing you back down. Congratulations, you are now pregnant with the Dunwich horror. In about a month, it’ll eat through your stomach and probably you before bringing chaos upon the world.

Now its his turn to stare, and I’m just like, “What?”

Cleric(OOC): Wait, what? His character’s a dude!

Me: The forces of chaos care nothing about your insignificant human gender binary.

One of our players had to leave the game permanently, so our GM tried to decide the fate of their character.

GM: So Priscilla has fallen in love with one of the prostitutes in town and has elected to stay behind.

Player 1: Is it a guy or a girl?

GM: *rolls die* Guy.

Player 2: Aw man, how boring!

Entire table: *grumbles about heteronormativity*

GM: Okay you know what? Fine! *pulls out several dice*

GM: Priscilla is now dating *rolls die* 3 people. They are *rolls more dice* a cis guy, a trans guy, and a nonbinary person. *rolls more dice* Two of them are prostitutes. *rolls more dice* It’s the cis guy and the trans guy. Are you all happy now?

Entire table: Yeah that works for us. 

Context: were being attacked by two hydra, and my dragonborn bard named Fiddle, plays kazoo

DM: And it’s now Fiddle’s turn.

Me: well… Exactly how hard would it be to seduce a Hydra?

DM: …. What

Me: I’m gonna play it a love song on Kazoo, and seduce it.

DM: …. Fuck, roll I guess

Me: *rolls a 19 plus my proficiency in performance and my charisma modifier* 26.

DM: I guess you-

Me: wait. *Pulls a kazoo from my bag and starts playing Rick Astleys Never Gonna Give You Up*

DM: okay- yeah- you seduce the Hydra with relative ease.

We are in a very busy and crowded tavern and the barkeep is completely overwhelmed.

Bard: I really want a pizza
DM: I don’t think pizza exists yet
Rouge: Well we want some bread with tomato sauce and cheese.
Barkeep: I really don’t have the time or staff for this right now
Bard: I roll to seduce for pizza
*Rolls Nat20*
DM: *sigh* Not only do you get the pizza, the barkeep invents pizza for you.

Again with this

Very early on in the yearly 5e campaign after a side quest where one player’s character got four boyfriends (a young elvish bard guy with several very high rolls), the other players followed suit in trying to make relationships with NPCs and it was established that pretty much every NPC in-universe is bi or pan for the sake of convenience when rolling to flirt. This had the unintentional consequence of making *literally every character in the campaign non-straight*. After the entire campaign was over several players were on a one-off mission and the following exchange occurred. The session was nearly over as we’d just found the person we were sent to look for.

Simon: So the girl is able to walk and stuff?
DM: No, she’s too weak.
Alex: I cast cure wounds on her.
DM: Yeah, she—literally any amount of HP gets her walking, no need to roll.
Simon: Okay, so we… take her back home, the barkeep was her dad right? This was the daughter?
DM: Yeah, they look a lot alike. She also tells you so when you ask.
[a few minutes later]
Simon: I wanna roll to flirt with her.
DM: Yeah there it is. That—I was waiting all mission for this one. The DC is high dude, just warning you.
Simon: Cmon dice… *nat 19*
DM: That’ll do it! Alrighty then!
Alex: Wait, dude, did—did you just make the first straight character in this universe?
DM: …Oh my god I did.
Alex: *joking* We needed the diversity, really, the believability was suffering.
DM: Finally! First one ever!
Simon: I’m a girl.
Alex: …wait—
Simon: I’m using my elf lady, remember?
[Pause, then laughter]
Alex: NEVERMIND!
DM: So close, and yet so far!
Simon: WE’VE GONE AND DONE IT AGAIN, FOLKS.
DM: I tried, I really did. I—I tried to make that evil wizard and his son straight, but nah, never works. Always ends up like this. You guys started this.
Alex: Every time.

20 minutes into the first session of my players’ first campaign and pirates attacked their airship.

Bard: I’m gonna seduce the captain. (Successfully seduces the pirate captain) Hey captain dude uh you’ve got a uh. Really big ship.

Captain: You know what they say about guys with big ships, right?

Bard: They have a lot of money

While this is happening the rogue sneaks up behind the captain to kill him but instead of just stabbing him, he tries to shoot him with an arrow and misses.

Captain: What was that????

Bard: (Grabs the captains face and pulls him close) HEY DON’T LOOK OVER THERE! CHECK THIS SHIT OUT!

The bard then did a death drop in front of the captain to distract him and the rogue suplexed him off the side of the air ship. The rest of the session went about the same.