not seduced

We were in a bar, and our dwarf decided to go talk to a tiefling

D: Hey, what are you up to?
T: Well, I’ve been pretty upset recently… My husband hasn’t been very nice to me lately, and he recently cheated on me…
D: Huh… So, you interested in a one night stand?
*He rolls for persuasion, gets a 12*
T: You know, you seem nice, but sorry, no.
D: …So, what’s your husband like?

Context: Playing Broken Worlds, the Kill Six Billion Demons tabletop (not the post-apocalyptic one), our group saved my hometown from a big bad beastie and there’s a city-wide party. –our initiative rolls are 2d6+mod–

DM: Okay you got drunk and found our sleeping quarters, what do you do next?

Beggar: I seduce the mayor’s assistant because she caught my eye earlier.

*rolls 11+2 initiative*

Beggar: Awww yeah I’m gettin’ some!

DM: *hands me 2d6 again* Good initiative. Roll for the pussy.

Beggar:…what? But I just rol-

DM: Roll. For. Da p00sy.

Beggar: Uhh…

*nat 12*

Fated: OH MY GOD DUDE YOU JUST GOT HER PREGNANT

DM:………….mark experience. You have a permanent +3 modifier for the next quest……

And now I have to come up with children characters for the sequel campaign because I rolled too well on da p00sy!

Creative Use of Magic

My players are using Ant Haul and the party trox to carry over six tons of iron in a palanquin to smuggle it past the two guards on duty at the city gate.
Bard: Two guards you say?? -grinning widely- I cast Matchmaker on them.
DM: Oh crap. -both fail their saving throws-
DM: Well… the two of them are now glancing at each other and blushing.
Bard: Aww, they’re in love. So now it won’t be weird when I cast Unnatural Lust.
DM: -Nat 19- Oh! He makes it!Bard: Unnatural Lust on the other one then!
DM: -fails- Fuck. He suddenly sprints across the road and tackles his partner into the bushes.
Trox: I lift the iron and run into the city!
DM: So… You just smuggled over six tons of smelted iron into the city by making the guards outside fuck.

And they call female sailors 'bad luck.'

Drunk Female Captain: I stand on the table in the bar [full of drunk sailors] and yell out “If you seadogs can gather enough gold, I’ll take my shirt off!”

DM: “You take 3 nonlethal damage from being pelted by money. It’s a lot of gold.”

Captain: “Haha! That’s what I’m talking about!”
————
First Mate: “Sir, perhaps you should put your shirt back on now?”
Captain: “Nah, the men paid for this, I’ll let them enjoy themselves a bit longer. Besides. If you think I’m ever gonna get that shirt back, you don’t understand horny sailors.”
Bartender: “Yeah, a sailor ran off with it a while ago.”
Captain: “See? Now, who here wants to buy me a drink!”
DM: Three people raise their hands instantly.
First mate: “You’re milking this.”
Captain: “You can bet your ass I am.”

You do what?

Context: I just joined a Homebrew 5e campaign and decided to be the party politician (aka the Bard). I had such high deception, and in the first meeting this happened.

DM: A single beautiful lady stands before you. Genshi and Orao (NPCs) freeze and step backwards.

Me: I wave and say hello. *A moment of silence passes*

DM: The lady seems unnerved. Orao tells you she is the queen of hell and Master of Deceit.

*Short battle follows where our party member who is a dragon flew into the air and I made false images of us to run past the goddess*

DM: So you all ran out of the crash zone.

Me: I’d like to make the me illusion blow the goddess a kiss.

Everyone: You do what?

DM after recovering from shock: She seems confused and stares at the false you.

*After dragon crashes and pins the goddess down*

Me: I’d like to hit on the goddess.

DM: You’re a girl character right? Okay, she is insulted that a lesser being is hitting on her.

*Even later*

Me: I’d like to convince her she’s actually into me.

Everyone: Good luck. Roll for it.

Me: 30 *Stunned silence. DM looks at my sheet. Rolls, buries his face in his hands, and sighs sadly*

DM: You just seduced the fucking Queen of Hell.