not our budget

Osomatsu-san PS Vita game translation - Ichimatsu 11 - Rental Family

Ichimatsu: There there, kitty.  

Cat: Meow. 

Ichimatsu: Look it’s a stalk of foxtail. Is that fun? 

Cat: Meow! Meow! Meow! 

Ichimatsu: So that is fun. 

Cat: Meow! Meow meow meow! 

Ichimatsu: Hmm? What have you found? This is… Some kind of… screw? 

Cat: Meow? 

Ichimatsu: Hey, this isn’t food. I’ll feed you later, so hold on for now. 

Cat: Meow! 

Ichimatsu: Still why is something like this…? …Well, whatever. 

Keep reading

“hello,” the dark lord said, “i need a library card.”

“everyone needs a library card,” the librarian said brightly, sliding a form across the desk. “fill this out.”

the dark lord produced her own elaborately plumed quill from the depths of her robes and scrawled her name in handwriting that was completely illegible but seemed to whisper the secrets of the dark from the blinding white page. “yes, but i need mine in order to take over the tri-kingdom area.”

the librarian’s polite smile barely faltered. “funny, the last dark lord to try that didn’t bother with a card.”

“yes, and do you see that fool currently ruling our kingdom? no. of course not. utterly ridiculous, to attempt to take over any size country without a library card, much less an intermediate-sized one like this.” she accepted the thin plastic card with a gracious flourish of her gloved hand.

the librarian, adding the new card’s number to the database, privately agreed, but chose not to say anything.


the librarian balanced the pile of pulled books under one elbow and held the list of call numbers in their hand for easy consultation. “intermediate spell casting for grades three and four,” they murmured, running fingers along the peeling spines until they found it. “willing to bet that’s sorrel’s request.”

they fit the large, paperbound book under their elbow and moved on, checking the list again. “magical creatures encyclopedia, L through M. that’s jackaby trying to finish the entire set by midsummer.” they would get that one last to carry it around the shortest amount of time.

“next — the complete guide to raising the dead.” they paused in front of the row of shelves with the right call numbers. they could guess the requester of that one too, but knew better than to say it out loud.


the return slot thunked loudly as it swung open and closed, having swallowed the returned books with a wet gulp.

“good morning,” the dark lord said pleasantly as she looked up from sliding her books in — or as pleasantly as “good morning” could sound when it was uttered by a voice that sounded like gravel being chewed to pieces by the jaws of a large monster.

“it is, very,” the librarian said crisply, conjuring a clean handkerchief for the still-slobbering return slot.

the mouth just visible under the dark lord’s enormous cloak hood curved into a scythe’s blade smile, but she said nothing else.

“did you enjoy your books?” the librarian asked, since she wasn’t moving and there were no other people waiting (most likely because of the dark lord standing there).

the hood nodded up and down. “extremely. especially the taped lecture by doctor dramidius ardorius of the dark arts institute.”

“well, we have many more taped lectures. i especially recommend the one on the healing powers of tea.” they tilted their head in a now get out sign. the poor steam-powered self-checkout contraption would get overheated if people were too scared to check out at the front desk.

they didn’t really expect the dark lord to take the recommendation seriously, but the next day they noticed the cloaked, hooded specter glide out the door with the taped lecture on magic-infused herbal teas tucked between a CD of dark chants and a step-by-step art book on drawing occult symbols.


“you give good recommendations,” the dark lord said with a shrug when the librarian raised their eyes from the front desk’s computer to the shadows of her hood.

the librarian wasn’t sure what to say. “you seem to take up quite a lot of my time.”

“i’m only a simple library patron,” the dark lord replied in a saintly voice that resembled a dragon coughing up a partially digested house. “do you enjoy mermaid song?”

“yes. you can find the library’s collection in the CD section over there.” they looked pointedly back down at the computer.

“i hear there’s a concert on the shore tomorrow evening.”

“perhaps we’ll get a recording of it.”


the dark lord continued taking out books on various unsavory topics. the librarian continued suggesting books on healing, positive thinking, and community service. the dark lord seemed more amused with each visit. her smile was almost charming, once you got past the long, sharp teeth.


the librarian was trying to go about their usual morning ritual of pulling books that had been requested the night before, but the dark lord wouldn’t stop making faces at them from behind gaps in the shelves. she seemed to find it hilarious. the librarian hadn’t decided yet if they were amused or annoyed.

“ooh, look at this,” the dark lord said, pulling a sturdy but beaten up board book featuring a werewolf mid-transformation on the cover from the shelf. “this was my favorite when i was just a little menace.”

“somehow i’m not surprised.”

the dark lord tucked the book into the ridiculous basket made of a large skull that floated alongside her. “didn’t you have a favorite picture book when you were little?”

“Barker the Sentient Book End,” the librarian said promptly. “i screamed for it every night until someone read it to me, long after i’d already memorized each page.”

the dark lord cooed, sounding like a cross between an owl and something eating an owl. “adorable. i knew you had a little monster in you somewhere.”

the librarian crossly debated denying being a monster at all or pointing out they had actual kraken blood in them.


they should have guessed how close the dark lord was from how good her mood was, but it wasn’t until they arrived at work on monday that the librarian heard the news.

“the newest dark lord managed to overthrow the faeyrie monarchy last night. something about combining traditional herbal spells with a newfangled mental magic based on the power of willful thinking… or something. the news reporter mentioned the use of mermaid song in a mild kind of mind control, i think? i wasn’t listening. the good news is, our budget stays in place.”

the librarian contemplated hurling the can of bookmarks across the room, but concluded that it would be both unprofessional and unsatisfying. they settled for aggressively stamping returned, only slightly saliva-covered books with red ink.


the phone clicked loudly. “public library, how can i help you?”

“by taking my offer,” the dark lord said, slightly hesitant voice like a rock slide that wasn’t sure it was ready to slide. “the royal library in the capital needs a new head librarian.”

“why’s that?” the librarian spun in their new swivel chair, tangling the phone cord while they were at it, thinking they wouldn’t want to leave so soon after getting it.

there was a cough like the ocean spitting out a new island. “erm, hmm, last one got… eaten. tragic. these things happen when you’re very, very small, you know.”

“so i’ve heard.” the librarian stretched the phone cord and watched it bounce back. “well, i’m happy where i am.”

“well.” her voice was more disappointed than they’d expected. “it’s a very nice library, you know. large selection of mermaid song in the CD section.”

“the royal library is part of our system. i can request any materials from there that i want to be delivered here.”

a pause. the dark lord had not considered this. “well, maybe i’ll take the royal library out of the system.”

“you wouldn’t dare disrupt the workings of our very intricate library system set up at the dawn of time.”

“maybe i would!”

“no.”

“fine. i wouldn’t.”

the librarian swiveled some more, wrapping the cord around with them until it ran out of give and spun them in the other direction. “would you like to grab a coffee sometime?”

“yes,” the dark lord said, voice too surprised to resemble anything in particular. “i can travel down meet you tomorrow morning.”

“don’t you have things to do?”

they could sense the shrug from the other end of the line. “i’ll move the capital to your town. i can do that, you know. i’m the supreme ruler of the tri-kingdom area.”

“yes,” the librarian agreed, un-spinning to return the phone to its cradle. “just don’t forget who gave you the library card.”

went to a househunters-watching party over the weekend; here’s my impression of the show

VOICEOVER: She wants a historically accurate thirteenth century castle in the heart of bustling downtown L.A. He has his heart set on living in a small metallic orb that would float over a bottomless gorge, beyond space and time. Can this pair of newlyweds see eye to eye???

WIFE: The location is nice but I don’t know about these staircases…I just had my heart set on an escalator made of sand and artisan brie.

HUSBAND: Well it’s definitely not a small floating metallic orb.

REALTOR: That…would defy several laws of physics.

WIFE (squinting): Do you have anything that is simultaneously larger, cheaper, newer, and more historic?

REALTOR: Um.

WIFE: And I need a big kitchen. I love to cook!

(Cut to footage of the wife in her current kitchen, wearing an apron and surrounded by pots and pans. She is hitting a banana with a hammer. On the counter next to her is a pile of doll hair.)

HUSBAND: Yeah, get her a nice kitchen. Of course, I won’t be spending any time in there, ha ha! (His laugh is loud but his eyes are so empty. They are empty all the way back.)

WIFE: And I need a room for my shoes. That is simply non-negotiable.

HUSBAND: Also, if we can swing it with our budget, I’d love a finished basement where I can really unwind and stew in my toxic masculinity and repressed emotion. And hardwood floors.

WIFE: And hardwood floors.

HUSBAND AND WIFE IN EERIE UNISON: Hardwood. Floors. (somehow it sounds like way more than two voices, more like the collective whisper of an army)

REALTOR: Okay, I will certainly, um. See what I can do? Anyway, this next house, it’s a metallic orb hanging on a sturdy cord near a ravine—

WIFE: Well it’s definitely not a genuine thirteenth century castle—

HUSBAND AND WIFE: (stare at each other in open contempt)

REALTOR: Heyyy so why don’t we take a look inside?

la-belle-et-la-bete  asked:

are you still doing fic outlines, if so: All But The Kitchen Sink, Viktuuri

Oh my god. Yuri on Ice: HGTV AU.

- “I’m a figure skater,” Victor says.

“I’m… also a figure skater?” Yuuri says.

“And our budget is 2 million!”

- (”Wait,” Yuuri says. “Really?”

Victor rubs Yuuri’s arm. “Our last ice show did very well.”)

- Neither of them are helpful.

-The least bit helpful.

- “Anywhere I can be with Yuuri is home,” Victor keeps sighing.

“Okay but how many bathrooms,” the hosts keep replying.

- Victor honestly believes that, but also he’ll casually drop statements like “we’re really in the market for eight bedrooms minimum” or “if you can’t fit a California king inside it is it really a walk-in closet.”

- (He’s trolling, mostly, but he does want to make sure they have enough bedrooms for their eventual hockey team of children.)

- For the first several houses, Yuuri’s response to everything is to wring his hands and say “It looks nice.” Finally, after all-out begging from the producers, Yuuri gives actual opinions and it turns out they are BLISTERINGLY SAVAGE.

- The camera crew stalks him from that moment on, zooming in on his beautiful thoughtful face, waiting for him to quietly eviscerate another McMansion.

- They are the first couple in the history of the show who do not want a double vanity. “Why?” ask the hosts. There’s a smash-cut to these clingy octopus monsters brushing their teeth while wrapped around each other.

- Victor pretends to be torn about their eventual house. He knows how reality TV works. He pretends the lack of apron sink in the kitchen is going to be a dealbreaker.

- And then their faces upon entering the master suite and seeing the hot tub become an extremely popular reaction gif.

- “I need it,” Yuuri hisses. Victor cries a little.

WOOT BROKE W(b)ITCH HAUL

HEY YOU

YES YOU

ARE YOU BROKE BUT STILL WANNA PULL THE THREADS OF THE ETHER AND DEFY THE ESTABLISHED LAWS OF MAN INVOKING THE ANCIENT MAGICK?

GOOD.

You and I are gonna go S H O P P I N G

But, Semiramis! I just told you I’m broke! I can’t get nice things!

*smack*

WRONG.

The world is full of wonders, one of them being

DOLLAR STORES

Remember sweeties, a witch’s best friend is scavenging.

Open your eyes. Look around. Scout your neighborhood.

But what about the things that I can’t get out on the streets!?

That’s what we’re shopping for!

Now before we move on, close your eyes… then open them again because you need to read the rest of the message… and repeat the following mantra:

THE CRAFT REQUIRES NOTHING.
THE CRAFT REQUIRES NOTHING.
THE CRAFT REQUIRES NOTHING BUT MYSELF.

No fancy ingredients, no pretty crystals, no expensive incenses will work better than your RAW HEART AND SOUL.

Mkay?

Now let’s go get some of that good shit.

How good?

Diz gud.

Now, it’s no mystery that a broke ass witch needs to pay a visit to the local dollar stores to get her materials every once in a while, but if you’re like me and live in a place where there are no dollar stores (and there are no dollars either) WHERE TO GO?

The answer is here:

CHINESE IMPORT STORES ARE YOUR NEW SANCTUARY.

These places are AWESOME for a witch on a budget, because they carry EVERYTHING. From toys to art supplies to kitchenware…

AND SPIRITUALITY SUPPLIES.

(That’s where we come in)

Speaking of budget, by the way. Let’s set one.

Say… $15?

FIFTEEN AMERICAN DOLLARS. I will take you home with some nice and rare goodies that will spice up your spells.

Let’s go in.

Oooh what a promising start. This here, my friends, are 25 grams of the purest coke Palo Santo wood. Don’t like it in its natural state?

They have it in incense too!

But we ain’t getting that shit. I’m allergic so I can’t burn anything scented or else I… die.

But know they’re there, as well as essential oils, and they’re quite accessi-

WHAT!?

28 BUCKS FOR A BOTTLE OF ESSENTIAL OIL!?

AIN’T NOBODY GOT CASH FO DAT

Nah I’m just kidding. This is the price in pesos, meaning that these oils are *math happens* $1.55 each!

What a D E A L

BUT THAT’S NOT WHAT WE’RE HERE FOR BECAUSE I’M SOON TEACHING YOU HOW TO MAKE YOUR OWN OILS.

Also, holy shit…

You HAVE to see the candles aisle in this place.

They have them twirly

Large

Larger

The photo is not blury, you’re drunk

Scented

Scentless

Birthdayful

Oh hellooo thereee~

Twelve candles for $1.94 you say?

Meaning SIXTEEN CENTS A CANDLE?

Adopted.

Don’t let anyone tell you cheap candles don’t get the job done, people!

Plus they burn just as good.

NOW at this point the store was 10 minutes away from closing time, so I had to stop taking pictures to get my ass outta there, BUT

Here’s a look at what we got:

That doesn’t look too good, let’s add a F I L T E R

Those little crochet doilies that will serve as my new altar tablecloths? They were $0.55

But Amis! Those don’t look too witchy, more like what my grandma puts under her vases!

First of all, how dare you.

Second of all, how dare you.

Granmotherly stuff is witchy by D E F I N I T I O N. Embrace the grandma aesthetic, y’all!

Also:

If you’re poor you have to be CRAFTY. Look at that! It has a pentacle now. How long did it take? Literally 30 seconds! Imagine what we could do with a whole afternoon!

Ok, I admit it, that was a fiasco, BUT WE’RE ONTO SOMETHING THERE.

Let’s take a closer look at what else we brought, shall we?

This tiny chest is 7.5 cm wide x 5.5 cm tall x 5.5 cm deep (3 in x 2.1 in x 2.1 in) and will hold my pocket altar. It was *drum roll* $1.70!

I was getting tired of using my mom’s big ass scissors to cut my tiny delicate herbs, so I got myself this pair of snips! Price: $0.55 and they’re sharper than Tom Hiddleston’s style. Plus they serve a multitude of purposes, like shanking a bitch.

A quick stop by the crystal shop that was also closing (pfft crystal shop. Sounds like out of a fantasy novel, love it) yields the following goodies:

-Onyx ($0.55)

-Fluorite ($0.27)

-Snowflake obsidian (hard to get where I live. It’s kinda pricey at $2.20. I recommend other kinds of obsidian or maybe just black glass as I’ve been using until today, it still works awesomely. I got the obsidian because I wanted to experiment with it and my Mentor recommended me to get it, same as the fluorite).

-And the CUTEST little quartz formation. This one kinda defeats the purpose because it was a bit pricey. You don’t need it; any clear quartz will work the same.  It was $4.50 and it was my guilty pleasure of the month. It also came with a free satchel that’s most certainly going to be used with magickal results in the foreseeable future.

More of it because it’s so gorgeous ♥

Back to the fluorite! That shit is large and cheap! Well, you see, it’s kinda ugly because I was part of a larger stone and broke down the middle when they were trying to perforate it to make it into a pendant.

But check this hot babe out

W O R K I T

Coming back from the imports store, I paid a visit to my pot dealer erh I mean my herbs supplier. Got myself some ginger for $0.27

AND THEN

I SAW IT

Maybe they don’t package it like this in your country, but here this little shitty capsule is worth its weight in GOLD.

Y’all know what this is?

This is SAFFRON.

Now normally I steer fucking clear of things this expensive, but when I asked my dealer I mean the vendor she said it was on sale.

This stuff LITERALLY sold by FRACTIONS OF GRAMS. In this case that’s 0.2 grams of saffron, that’s 0.007 ounces. YES. ZERO POINT ZERO ZERO SEVEN. Insert here Bond reference

Retail price? Normally around $8 per capsule (EIGHT AMERICAN DOLLARS!)

How much on sale?

TWO DOLLARS.

A tip for the broke witch: hunt down for sales. Even if you don’t use the ingredients in your spells, you can still trade them with other witches or with anyone, really.

After this I went home and decided to try out my new candles.

And as I said, if you’re poor, you gotta get crafty!

I cut one of the candles in half. A part went to my pocket altar, and the other half

I used one of those ceramic saucers with the little erh… lower level circle in the middle?

USE CERAMIC. THIS IS IMPORTANT. IT RESISTS TEMPERATURE WELL AND YOU’RE GONNA NEED IT.

Melt the wax in the microwave or on the flame and then make sure it stays in the center of the saucer. Then take it out and wait until it cools down (or put it in the freezer if you are an impatient little shit). DO NOT LET IT SOLIDIFY COMPLETELY.

Then you take it out and use a round cookie cutter (or if you’re a cheap ass like me, find something else)

I just used the styling nozzle of my hair drying because F U K D A P O L I C E

Put it again in the freezer and once it’s completely solidified use a spatula because you, my dear witch

Just made yourself a moon wax amulet!

Engrave it with your sigils, place it on your altar, carefully soften the bottom with heat and use it as a seal, the possibilities are endless!

BUT WAIT, WHAT ABOUT THE REMNANTS!?

EVIL EYE WARD!

The rest? Melt it again or use it as a poppet in case you wanna cast a spell over an onion ring…

By the end of the day, our haul is:

-Altar cloth $0.55

-Herbs snips $0.55

-Mini-altar wooden box $1.70

-Dozen of blue candles $1.94

-Ginger root $0.27

-Satchel $0

-Snowflake obsidian $2.20

-Fluorite$ 0.27

-Onix $0.55

-Quartz crystal formation $4.50

-Saffron Capsule $2

A grand total of $14.53!

Of our budget of $15 we still have $0.47 that where I live is enough for the bus ride back home!

If we take away the unnecessarily pricey stuff (the quartz and the saffron) we got everything for $8.03!

Now if THAT’S not magick, I don’t know what is!

SOME FINAL TIPS!

1)      REUSE as many things as you can.


2)      MOVE THOSE FEET. I know it doesn’t sound appealing, but CHECK SEVERAL PLACES. Find the best prices by checking different stores and comparing.

3)      BE CREATIVE. If you find yourself in need of something you can’t afford, think and find a way to replace it or get it through other routes. As I said, witch trading is a thing!


4)      BARGAIN. There’s no shame in it, people! If you’re dealing with independent merchants and buy regularly/are buying a lot, try to get better prices! Don’t disrespect their business, though!


5)      REMEMBER YOUR MANTRA. Witchcraft requires NOTHING. Except you.

Now go out there and work your Magick!

-Semiramis, the Magpie Witchling

MAKE A BUDGET: and stick to it. making a budget can be confusing and difficult, but what we’ve found is that understanding where your cash flow is coming from is absolutely key. be realistic about the goals you set, and set aside a small buffer amount each week in case something comes up. budgets don’t have to be the same every week, because what you do in a week can change.

check out our second post in the finance series: how to budget

USE CASH: and leave your bank card at home. studies have shown that people are more likely to spend less when using cash because there’s a better sense of how much money they’re spending/saving. besides, using cash will force you to stick to a budget!

BRING YOUR OWN FOOD: we love food but food is expensive. buying groceries every week or two and making your own lunches/snacks can save you a lot of money in the long run. (see this buzzfeed article for some recipes)

BUY GENERIC BRAND: because most of the time, generic brand is just as good as name brand. don’t let prejudice keep you from saving money!

TAKE ADVANTAGE OF FREE THINGS: if you want to hang out with your friends, consider free events happening around you. there’s usually always something happening on campus. at the very least, you can always get the free swag from those events!

APPLY FOR SCHOLARSHIPS: yes essay writing can be a pain and it may seem like a snowball’s chance in hell that you’ll get it, but just do it. a lot of scholarships don’t get as many applicants as they make it seem so you have a better chance than you think you do!

TEXTBOOKS: borrow them from a library if you can and take pictures of the pages you need (or just do your work at the library.) failing that, see if your school bookstore lets you rent textbooks instead of buying them! If you absolutely have to buy your textbooks, buy used whenever possible. don’t be afraid to scrounge the internet for a cheap(er) copy.

EVERY CENT COUNTS: even though Canada has discontinued the penny, this still holds true. as broke students, we all know that sometimes that nickel can make or break your day. so save what you can, even if it doesn’t feel like much!

this is by no means an exhaustive list. if you have more tips, send us a message and we might make a follow up post!

  • [Veronica is tapping rhythmically at her phone screen, Jughead is clicking away at his keyboard equally as much, and Archie notices]
  • Archie: Stop it.
  • Veronica: Stop what?
  • Archie: You're talking about me in Morse Code. Well, you know what? Joke's on you 'cause I know Morse Code. Ha!
  • Veronica: [chuckles] Sure, babe. That's what we're doing. In our very limited free time and with our very limited budgets, we went out and took a class on a very outmoded and very unnecessary form of communication...
  • Jughead: [looks at camera]
  • Veronica: ...just so we could talk about you. In front of you.
  • *cut to Veronica and Jughead in interview room*
  • Jughead: Yeah. That's exactly what we did.
  • Veronica: [nods and smiles]

capriccioso-stars  asked:

Why the hell is your governor trying to defund 911? Why dies he think this is something he should do? How is he trying to spin it? I have so many questions

BRUCE RAUNER IS THE FUCKING WORST

(pardon my french but he’s the second worst governor I’ve ever lived under (worst was fucking Pence back in Indiana), but where Pence is competent and evil (lawful evil), Rauner is a blundering child (chaotic evil), a dunce, a farce of a governor who hasn’t done a single thing since we put him in office. (I say we, but I sure as shit didn’t vote for him.) Not “done a single thing right,” not “done a single thing wrong,” he hasn’t done a single thing. He just sits there and refuses to pass any useful legislation, balance our budget, or do his fucking job. This state’s been mismanaged for a very long time, but Rauner’s driven us to a tipping point.

We’ve been operating for three goddamned years without a state budget. We elect this schmuck and then he just sits on his hands and does nothing. He got elected because he was a political outsider claiming that he was against career politicians, and now Illinois is probably going to be the first state with a junk credit rating. It’s getting so bad that CPS- our public school system- is floating on loans. Chance the Rapper has done more for Chicago Public Schools than our state government has and I am not making that up. Things are so bad here, we might have to stop selling lotto tickets because we won’t be able to pay winners.

Currently the big fuckup is this call center bill. We have this thing in called the Emergency Telephone Act. It does two things: it provides some money to 911 call centers and, more importantly, it’s what authorizes 911 services in the state. The act expires on the 1st of July, and Rauner hasn’t signed the bill renewing it. The reason he says he’s doing this is because Chicago wants to hike up the monthly phone tax (which supports 911 call centers). This means if you have a landline phone, you’d pay a whopping five dollars per month (which is an additional… I think, like, eighty cents more than what it is now) added to your phone bill. Outside the city, the tax would increase to one dollar and fifty cents. According to the governor, it’s more important to have a lower phone tax than it is to have a functional 911 service. The state House and Senate passed it and most of the state’s politicians have been asking him to sign it. It’s not like this is some pork barrel project that’s siphoning funds, it’s not like it’s something that only affects Chicago, it’s 911 across the entire state. He’s not trying to spin it, he’s not saying it benefits anybody- he’s just using the fee hike as an excuse to sit on his hands and do nothing


Here’s some news articles if you want to know more about Bruce Rauner, the Fleshy Lump in Springfield who Does Nothing:

And here’s some opinion pieces/things with an obvious political spin

  • [Iris is tapping rhythmically at her phone screen, Cisco is clicking away at his keyboard equally as much, and Barry notices]
  • Barry: Stop it.
  • Iris: Stop what?
  • Barry: You're talking about me in Morse Code. Well, you know what? Joke's on you 'cause I know Morse Code. Ha!
  • Iris: [chuckles] Yeah, babe. That's what we're doing. In our very limited free time and with our very limited budgets, we went out and took a class on a very outmoded and very unnecessary form of communication...
  • Cisco: [looks at camera]
  • Iris: ...just so we could talk about you. In front of you.
  • *cut to Iris and Cisco in interview room*
  • Iris: Yup. That's exactly what we did.
  • Cisco: [nods and smiles]

anonymous asked:

How many jokes do you think Gabe has about that statue? :D:D

BRUH I WROTE THIS TO A FRIEND LIKE AN HOUR AGO:

Them (reading the comic): JFC GABRIEL WITH THE “i’m not the one with the statue” LINE

Me: PEOPLE ARE LOSING THEIR SHIT.  HIS HELLA CASUAL SHRUG

Like:  “lol sorry babe, you got that shiny sculpture on the front lawn, not me, I'mma go have a beer and then take a nap. Wake me up when our cowboy son gets home so I can give him a hug, kks thaaaaanks, Jack - good luck out there ‘breadwinner.’”

——–

But also consider:

Gabe, staring at the statue: did they sculpt your dick too
Jack: jfc Gabe it’s fucking 5:30 am and I haven’t had coffee yet
Gabe: have you ever made that pose in your life
Jack: I’m going back to sleep
Gabe: I miss when your hair was that thick
Jack: I miss when you actually had hair
Gabe: Imma graffiti “Jack sux” on it
Jack: Not “Jack sux dick” on it?
Gabe: …
Jack: …
Gabe: What would I ever do without you?
Jack: fall apart probably

———

Jack: oh hey we’re actually under our budget this month.  Maybe we can buy a treat for the agents - 
Gabe: *unrolls blueprints for a Commander Reyes statue that’s like a foot taller than Jack’s*
Jack: …
Gabe: …
Jack: …this height isn’t accurate at all.
Gabe: just wait until you see Rein’s blueprint

———

Gabe: …I think I figured it out.
Jack: what
Gabe: you’re literally my trophy husband
Jack: …
Gabe: only your trophy is like fifteen feet tall and really difficult to move
Jack: …have you tried to do that?
Gabe: … listen
Gabe: the current position really fucks with the aesthetic of the front garden
Jack: …have you asked Reinhardt for help yet?
Gabe: oh no, good call

———

Post-Recall:

Reaper: …you think we can tear that eyesore down yet?
Soldier: 76: …only if we burn it too
Reaper: …
Soldier: 76: …
Reaper: what would I ever do without you?
Soldier: 76: are you serious
Reaper: oh wait

Top military budgets in the world.

1 United States 596 billion
2 China 215 billion 
3 Saudi Arabia 87.2 billion 
4 Russia 66.4 billion 


Imagine. If we only spent as much as China did, maybe a little more. Still be #1, but without the ridiculous margin. 

We could instantly add 380 BILLION dollars to our budget without even touching taxes. 

That’s $1,190 per person in the US instantly. 

The Most ANNOYING kinds of episodes on Property Brothers

Scenario 1:

“Hi I’m Husband and I’m a High School teacher, this is Wife, she’s a stay-at-home mom. We’re looking for a place in the city closer to work. Our max budget is $900,000

Me:

Scenario 2

“Our dream home is 3 floor detached with a view in the city with 5 bedrooms, open concept chef’s kitchen, an ensuite with a claw foot cast iron tub, marble countertops and fireplaces, all new appliances, high end finishes, high ceilings, and custom walk-in closets. Our budget is $75.”

Me:

Scenario 3

Jonathan: I always budget 10% contingency money.

Couple: Does that mean we can get our custom walk-in his and her closets?!

Me: 

Scenario 4

Jonathan: So this house is basically a blank slate. There are no walls so you can see everything, no kitchen , no finishes. The demo is pretty much done. And with the place at $500,000 market value, you have about $120,000 for renovation. You can pretty much do whatever you want.

Couple: …mmm I don’t know Jonathan… we’re not really looking to go through another renovation 

Me: WELL IT’S A GOOD THING YOU’RE ON PROPERTY BROTHERS

  • Oikawa: [clicking noise]
  • Iwaizumi: [clicking noise]
  • Ushijima: Stop it.
  • Iwaizumi: Stop what?
  • Ushijima: You're talking about me in Morse Code.
  • Iwaizumi: Yeah, Ushiwaka, that's what we're doing. In our very limited free time and with our very limited budget we went out and took a class on a very outmoded, very unnecessary form of communication just so we could talk about you in front of you.
  • Ushijima: Am I wrong?
  • Oikawa: No. That's exactly what we did.