not my drug dealer

My favorite Shady/Illegal tips

*If you don’t have a stamp, reverse your destination and return addresses. The post office will deliver it to the return address for free

*One bag of garbage from a McDonald’s dumpster has hundreds of receipts in it, each of which has a survey. Submit each one for lots of free food

*Holding a cell phone to your ear justifies loitering. This aids in public urination, dumpster diving, stalking, trespassing, etc

*If you’re going to plagiarize, plagiarize something in a foreign language. Use a translator and spend a few minutes touching up the results.

*If they have free refills, save your cup. Next time you eat there, your drink is free.

*A plastic coffee stir stick can fool any push in coin acceptor that loads the coins on edge. Just insert stir stick, push the mechanism forward until you feel the stick hit a bump, push the bump down with the stick and push the mech all the way in

*If you look like you know what you’re doing, no one will bother you.

*When lying, always include something slightly embarrassing, or something that makes you look bad, as part of your story. It’s not only going to disarm their skepticism (admitting to something embarrassing gives an impression of humility), but even if they remain skeptical, they’ll be left wondering why you would make something up that you’d rather keep secret if it were true

*Using Clorox or any bleach will turn the red/pink liquid detection dot on electronic devices back to white so they replace them under warranty

* “A drug dealer in DC taught me to pick my nose if the police are staring at me. No one picks their nose if they think someone is watching them, so it’s the ultimate way of being nonchalant.”

* "I learned that you can get into almost any special event by wearing a chef coat. Even just carrying one and walking like you know where you’re going will work every time. Most people don’t want to look stupid by asking you who you are.“ 

* "My go to missing work call was never "I’m sick”, it was “Family problems”. They never questioned it, it’s vague enough and embarrassing enough that nobody ever asks.“ 

*As part of the employee training at Target, they teach you that if a customer argues over a price, and the full price is under $20, to just give it to them for whatever price they claim. It’s cheaper for the company to move on to the next customer than to call in a price check.

*Put a rolled up sock in the change slot on a vending machine, come back back 4 days later….and pull sock….you will be 6-ish dollars richer.

*If it’s a small lie, like who farted or who put the empty milk carton in the fridge, I’ll tell a terrible lie. I’ll not be able to hold a straight face, contradict myself, basically suck at lying.Now everyone I know thinks I can’t tell a lie to save my life. So when I really need a big lie, I nail it every time. No one ever suspects me when I lie straight faced.

*Bring crutches to an airport. Bypass every line (including boarding) and you are chauffeured to your gate the second you pass through security.

*Make up a secret to share with someone- they may open up and share far more valuable real secrets.

*Here’s a classic. Drive over to your 7/11 of choice. Fill up a Slurpee and drop some candy bars in that bitch. Make sure the candy bars aren’t showing. Cover the Slurpee and pay for it. Free Snickers bitch.

*I tell everyone i’ve never done any drugs. Suddenly everyone offers me cocaine, ecstasy, pot, lsd. I think i’ve had $200 worth of drugs each weekend for free.Same with liquor. "Im not drinking tonight” BOOM! Everyone gives me booze. Its like everyone wants to break your integrity as soon as you tell them you are not doing whatever they are doing.

*If you need to cash from an ATM and its not a large amount, buy a 5 cent piece of gum from a gas station that has the cash back option. Its cheaper than a $3 charge

*Act less intelligent than you really are. Acting stupid can get you out of some tricky situations. Feigning ignorance is way better than admitting you knew better but did it anyway. My old man used to say ‘It is easier to beg forgiveness than ask for permission’…sometimes it’s true.

*Every time I fly, when I land I’ll pen a little complaint to the airline that flew me. You know, I’ll come up with something like “oh, they denied me a drink! Oh, the food wasn’t vegetarian!” Whatever miscellaneous hogwash potpourri comes to my crazy brain. And like clockwork, within a business day, they’re reimbursing me with a $50 voucher, a $100 voucher, I can sell that on the secondary market.

*I’ve always had a lot of success in shutting nosy people up by blaming any personal issue on allergies. Crying from a panic attack? Allergies giving me puffy eyes. What’s that mysterious pill I’m taking? Allergy meds. Why am I acting spaced out/hungover/tired? Allergies meds making me drowsy.

*If you really wanna get away with some shit, buy a reflective vest, a white hard hat, and a clipboard. You can go ANYWHERE.

White people, January 1st -May 4th: Build the wall! They’re taking our jobs! They’re drug dealers and criminals! Get them out!

White people, May 5th: We love Mexicans! Their music, their food, their tequila, those festive hats! Woooo!! Cinco de Mayo!!

White people, May 6th - December 31st: Build the wall! They’re taking our jobs! They’re drug dealers and criminals! Get them out!

|| Dealer Rick - Making fat stacks the only way he knows how.. 
By synthesizing and distributing drugs to Ricks throughout the citadel and across the multiverse… Sorry no Mortys allowed.

 I assume all drug dealers have cool coats so they can display their goods discreetly… at least the good ones anyway..

9

“I had a syringe put to my neck by a drug dealer in Dublin when I was about 16. 
I was buying hash in the wrong part of town — well, the right part of town for what I wanted, I suppose — and I hadn’t 
got my wits about me that day. I got jumped on, thrown into this f*cking rubbish chute with a big metal door, which immediately closed behind me and left just a crack of light coming through. And then 
a syringe was pressed to my throat, 
filled with what could have just been 
ketchup, but I wasn’t going to ask for 
the lab results. I’ll never forget that. That was very scary.” — Colin Farrell 

So this year I’m going to a highschool in this small town. Next door to the school is apartments with drug dealers, so my school has a pretty bad drug problem. Well, we have these anti drug greasers at our school and it’s weird as fuck. They’re all just a bunch of kids from our school with slicked back hair and leather jackets and they warn people of the dangers of doing drugs. They all hang out at the bleacher at lunch and listen to old 50s rock and roll.

I Wish I Could Title Every Poem I've Ever Written, 'Fuck Man, I Don't Know'

I’m not too sure how much my family would like it
But I’m not too sure how much they like my writing anyways
They think it’s sad and weird
They ask me, ‘Why don’t you write about happy things?’

Is poetry supposed to make people happy?
Should I tell everyone things will be okay in the end then wink and walk away?
Should I talk about a sunset then slap someone’s back and say, ‘keep your head up kiddo’?
Should I tell people too take the road less traveled and then act surprised when they get mauled by a bear?

The other day my grandma recited me a poem my grandpa wrote for her when they first started dating
Some simple quatrain thing talking about trees and stars and love
It was cute
Afterwards I tried to read her something of mine but forgot about a line I wrote referencing my drug dealer
Not so cute

I see a bouquet of flowers but the petals are all tiny heads of sad old drunks weeping
I see the stars but all the constellations are college freshmen writing poems about the stars to get a blowjob or whatever
I see a poetry anthology called ‘100 love poems’ at the book store and the ink is printed on toilet paper
I see an old dog hobbling on three legs and want to give it everything I own

My family was kidnapped by drug dealers who drove off with them in a jeep. I chased them across a desert to save them, only to find out they were just going grocery shopping together at the nearest Safeway.

6 stories 3 different schools

1. i switched schools for the first semester this year (im back at my old school) and this girl got suspended because she fucked some guy in the bathroom. this wouldnt have been found out because the school barely notices anything. but someone in the stall next to them took a video and i think it got posted online.

2. short, but a couple weeks ago at my friends school, a couple got expelled because they were fucking in a car in the parking lot while the school’s power was out.

3. at my school last year (8th grade), there was a huge fight. no one thought much would come of it because were a county school and theres fights here all the time. but it got really bad. two girls got into a fist fight at lunch, but one of them beat the others ass really bad. the girl whos as got beat (lets call her K) couldnt even fight back because the other girl had K pinned down and was pulling her hair. flash forward a few days later, K is on the news. her family sued the school.

4. a girl came to my school last year because she got kicked out of her last school (same school that the couple fucked in the parking lot) for blowing a guy in the bathroom

5. during ISTEP last year, a guy got caught masturbating. he doesnt go here anymore. and just this year, our local drug dealer (in my grade and is 15) got caught masturbating. why.

6. last semester, while i was at the other school, a guy sprayed pepper spray in the spanish room at the end of class. i wasnt in there, but the spanish teacher HELD THE WHOLE CLASS OVER AND WOULDNT LET THEM LEAVE UNTIL SOMEONE ADMITTED TO DOING IT.

The Start of Something New Chapter 4 (Jughead x Reader)

Chapter 1, Chapter 2, Chapter 3

In which Jughead realizes how “perfect” the Reader really is.

“Y/N! Wait!“ Jughead ran after (Y/N) as she retreated to the closet in the library where they stored the books damaged by a pipe bursting a few months ago. His hand caught the door as she was about to slam it in his face. Archie, Veronica, and Betty stood at a distance, not wanting to intrude but still wanting to express their support.

Glancing at the three somewhat-insensitive teens, (Y/N) hesitantly let Jughead into the closet and shut the door.

“My friends are assholes, and sometimes I am too,“ Jughead started. “I’m so sorry they said that stuff, (Y/N).”

(Y/N) couldn’t decide whether to look into Jughead’s foggy blue eyes to confront him, or look away because she knew it would break her. He would break her. She shook her head, eyes closed. “I knew it,“ (Y/N) said, voice cracking. “I knew our friendship wasn’t real.“

“What do you mean, (Y/N)?“ Jughead ran a hand through his hair under his beanie, exasperated.

“You can stop pretending,“ (Y/N) said. Tears threatened to spill over. “You can go back to your perfect life now!“

“My life is far from perfect and you know that!“ He said, his face heated. “I’m basically homeless, my dad is a drunk and a drug dealer, and I was almost arrested for murder!“ He turned away from her, unable to look at someone who could make such a naïve assumption.

He wheeled back on her. “If anything, you’re the perfect one.” His eyes were narrowed, voice passive aggressive. He was the old Jughead. “At least you have a family! And a house! And you’re pretty and nice and smart! You’re normal. You’re just like Betty!”

(Y/N) inhaled sharply and tears began to flow. Her fists were clenched and for the first time since he’d known her, (Y/N) raised her voice.

“I am nothing like Betty!“

Keep reading

10

Man of the moment on mancandykings: » Colin James Farrell

“I had a syringe put to my neck by a drug dealer in Dublin when I was about 16. 
I was buying hash in the wrong part of town — well, the right part of town for what I wanted, I suppose — and I hadn’t 
got my wits about me that day. I got jumped on, thrown into this f*cking rubbish chute with a big metal door, which immediately closed behind me and left just a crack of light coming through. And then 
a syringe was pressed to my throat, 
filled with what could have just been 
ketchup, but I wasn’t going to ask for 
the lab results. I’ll never forget that. That was very scary.”