#avoidance in a common reaction to trauma #magnus was doing his best to forget that even when someone asked him how he was doing or simply talk about what’s really bothering him he would defect it #which is his way to cope and with time move on
as i like to say, in jungkook’s own words, ‘oh man holy shit’
can you hear my fucking tears. this is the best thing I’ve ever uploaded. I’m crying really hard cause this is perfect here you want to know why jeon jungkook is perfect? listen to this my friend i dare you tell me differently. its freaking comeback october and they freaking dropped this song right now I’m ready to hop off a cliff because this is just isudfhu oh my god alright okay I’m sorry I’m just really emotional. anyways
listen with good headphones for the best quality or, if you’re wearing earbuds, listen with both buds :)
enjoy your four minutes in heaven ^.^ (its literally heaven no lies)
I can tell that I’m already late just by the music
coming out from the house. My stupid heels are more of a burden than a plus to
make me look pretty. Once I get to the door I ring the doorbell a few times
before being welcomed by Shannon himself. A wide smile takes over his face, his
arms opening to hold me for a few seconds.
“Sorry for the delay, work was crazy today” I
apologize, pulling away from him to look him in the eyes.
“It’s okay” Shannon says, leaving a kiss on my
The place is already full, everyone wanting to
celebrate Shannon’s birthday. I look around, scared to see those eyes that I
haven’t seen in months, the ones that didn’t even dare to look at me during
that wedding day. Luckily, he’s still not here, neither is Annie.
I walk around for a while, Shannon busy talking to
his guests. I get to see Tomo and Vicky having a few drinks outside, sharing a
few comments, and laughing about them. They are my best option tonight, so I
walk to sit by their side. It seems like I haven’t seen any of my friends in
ages, and Vicky must feel the same, since she jumps to hug me the second her
eyes lay on me. We spend the next hour catching up, Vicky and Tomo telling me
all about their new apartment, and then I get interrogated by my trip with
“Where did you go?” Vicky asks me, handing me a
“Mainly Tokyo, but we visited a few of the small
villages too” I say, before taking a good drink from my beer.
“And after that? I feel like I haven’t seen you in
And they have indeed not seen me in a while. My
mission to avoid Jared and everything that reminded me of him was going pretty
well, until now obviously. His arrival was burning on my skin, my heart not
prepared for the moment in which he’ll walk through those doors, ring in hand,
my best friend by his side.
The beers and wine keep coming our way, and it
doesn’t take me much to start laughing hysterically, telling funny stories
about Shannon, and feeling like my head is in another planet. I even forget for
a second about Jared, but only for a second.
Shannon walks out to the backyard, giving me a full
smile when he notices how happy I look. I walk towards him, being held by his
arms the second I’m next to him. He looks so happy, and I hate that I feel so
scared to see Jared when his brother is so happy about this party.
“You’ve been drinking” He mutters in my ear.
“A bit” I laugh, “Do you still have that bottle of
whisky we bought the other day?”
“Maybe”, he mutters again, “Haven’t you drink
Shannon laughs at my drunkenness, and ends up
taking my hand to walk me inside. He gets two drinks done for us, his eyes not
looking away from mine. I laugh, choking on my drink, starting to couch without
being able to stop laughing.
“You’re crazy” Shannon laughs, taking me by the
hips to pull me closer to him.
I leave my drink aside, fully knowing what he’s up
to, but we stop. I can hear my name being shouted and I can feel my heart drop
to the floor.
We turn to the entrance, noticing Annie running to
get in front of me. Four months since I last saw her, or spoke to her. Four
months. Shannon lets go of me, and Annie takes his place squeezing my body.
“Oh, my God!” She shouts, “I’ve missed you so
Then why haven’t you called me? Too busy fucking
the love of my life?
“I know, me too!” I laugh, squeezing her too.
“I have so much to tell you! I can’t believe it’s
been so long since we last saw each other!”
And it should have continued like that. But I see
Jared entering the room, and my heart definitely skips a bit. Annie’s still
holding me, giving her back to him, and even though Shannon gave a step back, I
can feel the tension filling his body too.
Jared walks towards us, giving his brother a hug,
while Annie just can’t stop saying all the things she needs to tell me in more
depth later on. The brothers share a few words, and I can’t wait for the moment
I can just walk away from this.
“The honeymoon was so great!” She keeps talking, “I
bought so many presents, we need to get together one day and I’ll bring them
“That’s great, Annie” I mutter, taking the drink
back to my lips.
“We bought Constance this beautiful necklace, she
cannot stop wearing it. I’m so happy, you know how insecure I am about her”
“I know” I say, taking another sip.
“But I think she’s starting to like me a bit more
now, she has even invited me to lunch a couple of times”
The brothers disappear from our side, and I give
one last worried face to Shannon. Annie keeps talking, and I know I should be
really interested in her conversation, since we haven’t talked in so long. But,
my head’s in another place, and I’m too drunk to deal with all this.
And we sit, and she keeps talking, and I keep
giving her the same short answers, and Annie doesn’t even notice how
uninterested I look.
Worst best friend ever.
And the hour passes and she’s still talking, and
I’m still drinking, and I can see her smile, she’s happy, so fucking happy. And
I’m sad, so fucking sad. And all I want to do is cry, because I hate to see her
so happy, but I also hate myself for feeling like that. And I know that I’m
about to cry, because my chest starts heaving out, my vision turning even more
blurry. And I don’t even excuse myself, I just run away from there, taking two
steps at a time at the stairs, locking myself in the bathroom the second I’m
A couple of minutes pass before I can hear someone
knocking on the door, calling my name.
“I just want to be alone” I mutter.
“Well, I don’t want you to be alone. Open
the door, we can be alone together”
I get up from the tub, yes, the tub, to open the
door. Shannon is waiting for me outside, a bottle of water on his hand. I let
him in, and we both sit inside the tub, this isn’t our first time.
“She just couldn’t stop talking about him, I had to
run” I mutter, after taking a good sip from the bottle, “It’s been four months,
I should be ready for this”
“Yes, you should. But you’d loved him for years,
you have the right to feel like you’re feeling now”
I can feel the tears coming back to my eyes, start
rolling on my cheeks.
“Hey” Shannon says, cupping my cheek with one hand,
drying the tears that got to escape.
Don’t do it, my heart says, but my mind has a
In just a second I get to Shannon, in just a second
I press my lips against his. I’m desperate, my lips show this, and I know they
are trembling. I just want Jared out of my system, I want him out of my mind…
Just like I wanted him out the night of the wedding.
This time I stop in time, getting up from the tub,
checking my face on the mirror, trying to fix my make up as much as possible.
“Where are you going?” Shannon asks me, getting up
from the tub too.
“Back to the party” I almost whisper, Shannon
standing by my side, his hand taking mine, “Please, don’t…”
He nods, taking his hand away, but with a smile on
“There’s still a lot of alcohol downstairs”
“Enough for tonight” I say, finally feeling a smile
invade my lips.
We head downstairs, nobody noticing my washed face,
and Shannon’s protectiveness over me. I get to see Jared the second we enter
the backyard. He’s not with Annie, she’s just boring Vicki with her endless
talking. Ok, I got to stop that. But, seriously, she just keeps talking.
Shannon gives me a look, kind of asking me if we go
there. And we do.
The day of the wedding, Jared didn’t look at me
once. I wanted to dance with him and, in the middle of the song, tell them how
happy I was seeing him so happy with his life, with his choices. Because he
chose a girl who couldn’t hate her best friend just for being happy about her
life, someone who was bright, smiling even in her darkest days.
But he didn’t look at me, and I couldn’t ask him to
grant me one dance, just one song. Because I ruined everything between us. Love
Shannon gets me a bottle of water, intercepting
Annie when he notices her walking toward me.
“She’s not feeling very well” I hear him say, “Long
day, and too much alcohol, not a good combination”
Annie nods, probably feeling terrible for taking
too much talking about her and not taking a bit of time to ask about me. Or at
least that’s what I’d like to think.
The guys take over the conversation, and I just
stand there, feeling out of place. It sort of feels like before, when Jared and
Annie were not engaged yet. Everyone looks the same too. Well, that’s what I
believe till I see Jared face.
We lived together for a while, and we’ve been
friends longer than I would like to admit. I knew that face, I knew what those
bags under his eyes meant. And, out of the sudden, everything became clear.
Annie had always been a good talker, but not to this extreme. She was avoiding
people talking to her, by talking to them. She didn’t want people asking them
question, so she gave them answers before anyone could question her intentions.
A smile appears when I notice part of what’s going
on, and that parts feels happy. And I know I should stop feeling happy over sad
things, but I just can’t help it.
My whole perspective of the night changes when I
finally notice what’s going on. I can see that Jared’s smiles don’t reach his
eyes, that Annie tends to avoid his eyes, but tries to stay as close as
possible so no one suspects that something is going on.
But I know, because I know them too fucking much. I
want to stand in the middle of the circle, interrupt their conversation with a
hysterical laugh and shout how stupid they are for doing something that lasted
only four months. But I have no other proof than my knowledge of my two best
My mind is full of theories over what could’ve happened when I hear my
name. I come back to earth, noticing the freaky smile on my face. I must look
“Are you alright?”
Everyone’s looking at me, and Jared knows that I know. Because I see it
in his eyes, and I just want to run to him and punch him in the face. Because
he decided to “spend the rest of his life” with someone for less than four
months, and we could’ve have lasted for eternity.
“Is okay if I sleep here?” I ask Shannon, leaving the crazy smile aside.
The worried expressions change to surprise and playfulness. Annie starts
asking all the wrong questions, and I just ignore her. Shannon nods to my
answer, and I just leave them all behind.
I’m Annie’s best friend, or was. Best friends notice when the other is
head over heels for someone, even when you’re head over heels yourself. The
thought creeps my mind as I walk toward Shannon’s bedroom. I noticed when both
of them started falling for each other, and Shannon noticed when I fell for
Jared. Jared was too blind to noticed my feelings, but she was always really
good at reading me.
What if she knew?
I take all my clothes off, standing in the middle of Shannon’s bedroom
just in my underwear.
What if Annie knew what I felt for Jared and just decided to go ahead?
I know it would have been selfish of me to just demand her to stop
having those feelings. But before he was her friend, he was mine, and that gave
me some kind of right over him, right? Well, Jared is not a possession, but… I
guess you get my point.
It’s still dark by the time I open my eyes. Shannon is by my side, still
dressed, but too drunk to even cover himself with a blanket. I get up from bed,
taking the first thing I can find to put it over him.
I feel dizzy, still a bit drunk. I’m already in the middle of the
corridor when my mind decides to confirm that I’m walking to the kitchen to
grab a glass of water.
The whole place is a mess. I’m sure the party finished not so long ago,
and the house still smells like a mix of alcohol, sweat and people.
The light in the living room is still on, and as I walk there I notice
the bearded figure laying on the couch. As always, I just stand there,
awkwardly staring at Jared. His eyes are closed, but he’s not sleeping, I know
that, although he hasn’t feel my presence yet.
“Are you just going to stand there and watch me?” Ok, I was wrong.
I’m well aware of my attire, and something inside me cringes when I see
him open his eyes and stare at me as if this was the first time his eyes really
laid on me.
“What are you doing here?”
“Shannon’s my brother, it isn’t too weird if I ask if I can stay
at his place” He laughs, straighten his torso to finally sit on the couch,
“What are you doing here?”
“Too drunk to drive” I shrug, and a new round of laugh comes out of his
How could I spend four months without that laugh?
Jared pants the space beside him, asking me to sit there. And I do it
“So, you noticed?”
“I noticed something, I’m not exactly sure what I noticed”
I’m not facing him, but he’s sitting with his left side leaning on the
couch. I don’t want to face him, but his hand goes straight to my hair, taking
a small lock of it just to play.
“Isn’t it weird that you know me better than Shannon?”
“We lived together, you know me too”
“Not as much as to notice some things that were going on here” Jared
mutters, leaving the lock aside to knock my head.
“Yeah, well, let’s not talk about that”
His hand slips over my jaw in order to grab my chin and turn my head to
him. The bags under his eyes are even worse than I could see earlier, and the
beard that decorates his face is not a fashion statement.
“What happened?” I ask him, and he know pretty well that I mean.
“Things changed, we both changed” Jared sighs, his hand leaving my chin,
“She became something else. She was demanding things I couldn’t give her, she
needed me with her all the time, and I just couldn’t do it”
“You needed your space?”
“No” He almost shouts, “I needed you”
I can feel the gasp coming out of my chest and I just can’t stop its
coming. I want to shout, I want to jump over him and kiss him like is the end
of the world. I want to do so many things. But I just stay there, petrified.
“I saw you that night, and I know what happened with Shannon” His voice
starting to tremble, his eyes looking a bit soggy, “I knew something was wrong
from the moment we talked at the beach, and seeing you two leave together… I
knew I had fucked it up”
Jared waits for a few seconds, maybe thinking that I have something to
say, but I don’t. What could I possibly say?
“There was this moment, a month ago, when I just couldn’t hold it any
longer. She was yelling at me, all her sweetness gone, she wanted me present,
to stop walking around every corner like part of me was gone. And I asked her,
I cried when I asked why she couldn’t be more like you. How could two best
friends be such opposites?”
“Shut up” I whisper, deciding to let all my bitterness out, “Shut the
fuck up, Jared”
He obeys, and I stand from the couch, starting to pace around.
“It’s too late” I start mumbling, “You can’t do this”
“I know it’s late, but the marriage is already broken” Jared stands from
the couch, coming closer to me, grabbing me by the arms, “You can hate my
timing as much as I hate it, but please, just look at me for one second”
His hands clasp my arms strongly, sending shivers all over my body. His
eyes are bright, and a few tears are shed by the two of us when we realized
what’s going on.
“You’re my best friend” I mutter, shrugging a bit.
“Best friends can be lovers”
And that’s all it takes for us to just press our bodies together, his
lips looking for mine with a desperation we had never experienced. His hands
are all over me as mine can’t stop playing with his hair. Not a minute passes
before loud moans escape the friction of our mouths, and not two minutes pass
before I’m laying on the couch, Jared’s shirt already gone.
I need him as much as he needs me, and my heart couldn’t be happier.
I can’t even notice when all the clothes is gone and we are skin to
skin, his crotch already tempting mine. But Jared decides to wait for a while,
teasing me with kisses, and his hands playfully spreading my wetness on him.
“Just do it, please” I start begging, a smile taking over his lips as he
hears my words.
Another kiss erases the smile, and I can finally feel him making his way
inside me. A loud moan comes out of my lips as he starts thrusting against my
body. His eyes are finally on me, after all this time wanting to be under his
gaze, and he’s finally looking at me. I want to cry, scream, laugh. Emotions
invade me, and I can feel the first tears coming out, a joyful smile on my
lips, as I bite the lower one to help me contain all that I’m feeling.
The thrusts start fasting, and the desperation mixes with anger and
happiness, all at the same time. And I can feel Jared loving me and almost
blaming me for making him feel like this.
And I know him so much, that even though this is our first time, I know
when he’s close. And I’m close too. And all I want is scream how much I love
His mouth devoured mine once more as his thrust turn frenetic. I want
him, he wants me.
The two screams that come out of our lips hold more emotion than any
other scream I could have made during climax. Jared falls over me, his head on
the curve of my neck. We are both gasping, feeling each other’s chests hitting
against the other.
And that’s the moment my head decides to make me laugh, and cry at the
same time. And I can feel his smile on my neck, his teeth biting my neck as he
growls against my skin.
“Again” I ask, “And again, and again, and again”
Jared laughs, facing me again, his lips giving a little peck to mine.
“I have a better idea”
He comes out of me, standing from the couch to start picking his
“Go find yours, quickly!”
I nod, standing from the couch, still a bit dizzy from the climax. And I
run upstairs, trying to be as quiet as possible, only to discover Shannon
snoring on his bed. I take all my things, leaving a quick kiss on Shannon’s
cheek, starting to run downstairs.
When I get to Jared, he doesn’t say a word, and doesn’t let me ask
either. He just grabs my arm and pulls me to him, biting and kissing my lips
with the biggest demonstration of passion I’ve experienced.
“What are we doing?” I ask him when he finally lets me go.
“I don’t even know, I just want to be with you” He
laughs, hurrying me to get dressed.
I do it as fast as I can. We can see the sunrise
through the window, and Jared kisses me over there once we are ready. We both
stared for a few seconds when we finish, his eyes falling to his hands, and I
see something that makes me skip another bit. Jared slowly takes the ring from
his finger, playing with it for a few seconds, only to let it fall between us.
“Let’s go” He says.
Jared grabs my hand, pulling me out of the house to
get inside his car. Out of nothing, we both start laughing again, and as I look
at him I can feel myself inside a dream, but I know this is true, and my heart
starts to feel warm again.
Back to Me - The All-American Rejects // Heartbeats - José González // The Scientist - Coldplay // Heart Like Yours - Willamette Stone // Last Night On Earth - Green Day // All I Want - Kodaline // Everything’s Alright - Laura Shigihara // Such Great Heights - Iron & Wine // Promise - Ben Howard // To the Moon (Piano) [Ending Version] - Kan Gao