not my best but i'm tired and i really wanted to post it before going to bed!

50 Things I’m Convinced Harry Styles Does: A List

1. He requests exactly four kisses before bed.

2. He drums on your shins while you rest your legs in his lap.

3. He calls your mom and dad by Mr. and Mrs., no matter how many times they’ve told him not to.

4. He says, “I should’ve gotten what you got.” every time you go out to eat and then demands half of your plate in trade for half of his.

5. He gets drunk and orders things like a pound of unrefined shea butter through one-click AmazonPrime.

6. He uses your body wash in the shower because, “’t smells nice. Like a field of daisies.”

7. He swerves in the car because he gets distracted by a dog on a walk or a baby in a stroller.

8. He says, “You too!” and giggles knowingly when the ticket-taker at the cinema says, “Enjoy your show!”

9. He pinches your bum whenever he walks by, just to hear you squeal.

10. He asks you to pronounce “aluminium” over and over again because you say it so weird and it makes him smile.

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So I got some bad news today. Health stuff wise. This is personal stuff that’ll likely have a big impact on my writing, but ultimately it’s still personal so I’m going to put it under a read more. I apologise in advance to people phone-browsing.

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Cold Cape Cod Clams, ‘Gainst Their Wish Do It

Rucas Fic Week 2017

Day Eight// AU + Free Choice: Unwilling and unable to face everyone on her own when it comes time to attend Auggie and Ava’s wedding, Riley Matthews hires a solution in Lucas Friar. Loosely based on The Wedding Date.

Notes: Obviously, this is an AU and it takes place in the future. The characters are adults. While I’m not someone who will ever write smut, and I don’t plan on getting particularly graphic with language or even implications, the vary nature of this story is a bit more adult than what I’ve written previously. I’d place the rating somewhere around a PG-13/14.

Also, this is essentially the first installment to what has started developing into a multi-chapter fic. So this starts a lot of threads and leaves them dangling by the time you reach the end. But you will get answers eventually.


The invitation comes on a Wednesday and Riley immediately considers throwing it in the trash and pretending she never got it.

It’s not that she hasn’t known it would be coming–Auggie had told her about the engagement weeks ago and asked her to be what he called his ‘Best Sister’–but receiving the invitation makes it real. Auggie and Ava are getting married, they’re holding the wedding in Cape Cod, and Riley is expected to join them and the family for a week of wedding festivities at the end of the summer. Riley could just about throw up at the thought. It’s really the sort of scenario she’s been trying (semi-successfully) to avoid since high school graduation nearly eleven years ago, and if the invitation were from anyone else she probably would crumple it up and pretend it got lost or RSVP with an easy lie about not being able to get the vacation time at work, but this is for Auggie.

The only acceptable reason for Riley not to attend would be massive injury and/or death.

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petesass  asked:

hi there friendo i heard u were accepting requests for mm headcanons and i being the gay shit i am, i'm here to do a request. trans boi mc accidentally breaks his binder/stp and gets upsetti spaghetti but RFA + saran wrap get them a new one/comfort them!! soz this is weird i'm just a trans boy that needs someone w good writing skills to make my dreams of a trans boy come true tbh ok adios bye ademain oh yikes this was long

I’m sorry this took so long to post. I wanted to make your dreams come true so I pushed myself to finish this.

NOTE: I had done some research on the matter, and I was informed about the bandage thing. Wrapping bandages is NOT a permanent solution for binding if you’re going to and or thinking of doing it. I wrote it in the sense as a temporary solution for the problem but it is BAD to do on the regular. Like it just can fuck you up. Probably best to avoid using it as an option for binding. I just want people to be safe ^^. And thank you whoever brought it to my attention.


  • based on your texts, you weren’t having such a fantastic day
  • when you came home, he could tell you were tired and stressed
  • you said you were just going to go lay down for an hour so he just let you be
  • a while later he heard you shouting profanities in the other room
  • when he went to go check up on you, you were sitting on the bed with your head hung low and your fingers in your hair
  • looking at the ground, he noticed your broken binder
  • more like you’re only binder
    • never knew how much they cost and kind of understood having just one???
  • while you’re stewing in your own anger and sadness, you feel someone tap your shoulder
  • when you look up, this nugget brought a roll of bandages for you
  • “Let me help you wrap up. Is that okay?”
  • you have to help him a bit because his hands get tangled
    • those butterfingers
  • texts or calls throughout the day to make sure you’re doing okay
    • not just because you were upset but for the wrap
    • wants to make sure it’s still in good condition
  • wants to understand the process so he sits with you as you’re shopping for a new one
    • yeah wow they’re pretty damn expensive
    • but would rather you have more than one so you’re not in a BIND later wINK WONK 


  • it was just a normal morning for you
  • but the one thing you’ve been dreading happened
  • a few months ago you realized how shitty you’re binder has got over the year
  • you told yourself you would get a replacement but since your current one still did its job, you put it on the back burner
  • and then eventually forgot about it
  • which brings you back to now
  • as you were putting it on it just snapped 
  • you didn’t think it would have a great affect on you
  • but the anxiety started to settle in 
  • you couldn’t stand to look at yourself in the mirror
  • Jaehee realizes you’ve been in the bathroom for a while and asked if you were alright
  • “Yeah it’s just…let me come out?”
  • when you leave the bathroom, she sees the broken binder and your long face
  • this was the first time she was in this situation and wasn’t sure EXACTLY what to do
  • she just takes the binder and gives you a nice long hug
  • when you say you don’t want to leave the apartment, she doesn’t object
    • you seemed kind of shaken by this so she wanted to make sure you were comfortable
  • when she gets home she shows you the binders she ordered for you because she’s a perfect gelato


  • you were at school/work for a few hours when you started to get pain in your torso
  • it was beginning to become really painful so you snuck off into the bathroom to remove your binder for a bit before you had to head back
  • but as you were putting it back on, it snapped 
  • and with that, you snapped
  • after panicking for five minutes, you decide to call Zen
  • “Hey babe. You usually don’t call me around this time. Lucky for you I’m on break, how are you?”
  • before you even spoke, he could tell something was wrong
    • your heavy breathing could be heard from across the room for goodness sake
  • the moment you asked to come over and bring your spare binder, he darted right out of rehearsal
  • it gave you enough time to continue your panic attack before you heard someone come through the bathroom
  • thankfully it was Zen
  • you opened the stall with your hand out and as he was handing you the other binder, he asked if you were alright
  • you didn’t feel like you wanted to say anything so you closed the door once the binder was in your hands
  • Zen didn’t leave, he just waited for you to come out and once you did
  • he wiped any remaining tears away with his handkerchief
  • cleaned your face with some water then held you closely
  • doesn’t want to see his precious MC so upset! just wants you to feel better ^^


  • with this donut’s love to pamper you
  • among your matching tailored suits, you have some pretty good quality binders in your drawers
  • and you had to admit, they were good quality binders
  • but you would take those words back very soon
  • you were feeling kind of nauseous at work/school so you went to go take it off for a few minutes but it snapped as you were taking it off
  • now you were freaking out because you would have to walk out of the bathroom without one and the EYES TO JUDGE WOULD BE UPON YOU
  • after ralphing for a hot minute you get a call from Jumin
    • donut has really good sense of timing
  • you felt up to talking so you picked up the phone
  • “Hey Jumin, how’s Hong Kong?”
  • “Is everything alright?”
  • super Jumin was able to tell something was up with you
    • even could tell you just vomited?
  • you told him what was wrong
    • he starts writing down shit because he was going to sue the fucking company that made your binder
    • no matter how you insist not to, you know he’s going to do it anyways
  • calls Jaehee to go get you one of your other binders and bring it to you
  • while you’re waiting, he keeps you on the phone to calm you down
  • has you do some breathing exercises and gives you positive affirmations
  • once you were calm you talk about his trip for a bit until you hear Jaehee’s voice


  • you worked really hard on the RFA party on the vineyard tomorrow
  • and you laid out your outfit for the occasion
    • figured you could just wear your only binder no big deal
  • then as you were getting ready for bed, Seven is lying in bed while on his phone when he hears a snap from the bathroom
  • “MC?”
  • when you don’t respond, he gets out of bed to check up on you
  • he sees you sitting on the bathroom tiles with your broken binder in your hands
  • “The RFA party is tomorrow…”
  • oh god
  • “And this is my only binder…”
  • insert mini freak out
  • before you could escalate, he sits down with you and keeps an arm around your shoulder
  • calms you down with those kind words of his
  • jellybean doesn’t want you uber stressed out or get worried over spilled milk
  • brings you to bed and makes sure you fall asleep first before he did
  • when the big day comes around, he get a bunch of bandages to wrap you up
    • kind of gets carried away when he helps wraps you
  • during the party comes around to you when you were free to make sure you’re doing ok


  • Saeran was just chilling on his bed while listening to some tunes
  • not a care in the world
  • he could have sworn he had heard something earlier but didn’t pay too much mind to it
  • when he heard something again, he took out one of his earbuds
  • turns out you were calling for him this entire time
  • didn’t even know you were here O_O
    • you were soaking wet from the rain and you wanted to be somewhere dry and warm
    • which is why you decided to stop by your boo’s place for some clothes
  • jumps out of bed and rushes to you in the bathroom to find your broken binder on the floor
  • oh shit
  • you weren’t looking too good either
  • pulls you out of the bathroom and to his room
  • gives you some of his clothes 
    • gumdrop gives you privacy as you’re changing
  • when you’re fully clothed, he has you lay down next to him while listening to some music
  • doesn’t really say anything but you felt a lot better having him there to get your mind off of it
  • it was okay since you were wearing mostly all day, it was nice to let your body breathe for a bit 
I'm comin' home (AJ Styles x Reader)

(First Fic on tumblr! I know I’m not the best writer in the world but I can’t get better if I don’t keep writing and practicing! I’ve read through it twice and didn’t see any grammar/spelling errors but if I notice one later I’ll fix it!)
Characters: AJ Styles, you, a little Dean Ambrose, mention of Nikki Bella
Warnings: Angst, possible cheating
Very loosely (like you can see it if you close your left eye and close your right eye) based on the song Hold On by the Scott Brothers And a special shoutout to one of my favorite blogs llowkeys (my mobile won’t let me tag) for being my go to AJ source for all things from sassy answer to anons to very sexy pictures of the one and only AJ. You helped inspire this so I hope you like it.

It’s been four days. Four days since I’ve talked to AJ. Its not for lack of trying on my part either. I’ve tried calling, face-timing, and texting him and he never responds. He’s never done this before. Normally he calls me all the time when he’s on the road. During the day he’d send me pictures of him out and about with his coworkers/friends. And on nights when I really missed him I could convince him to FaceTime me so I could see his smiling face. But now I can’t get him to talk to me.
I tried to think back to the last time we talked. About 5 days ago he called me from a town in Ohio where Smackdown was being taped. He said he was getting ready for bed and wanted to say goodnight to me. We talked for an hour before hanging up. I don’t think any negative things were sad. He was pretty happy with how Smackdown turned out. I, of course, had watched and told him how proud I was of him. We talked about how he would be home in 5 days, which meant he would be home today. I couldn’t think of anything that would make him mad at me. Maybe I said something and he misunderstood me. I guess I’ll find out when he comes home and I’ll explain everything.
AJ would be home around 6 tonight. I had everything planned out on how to figure out why he stopped responding to me. I’d cook his favorite meal and we’d talk over dinner. Once noon rolled around I decided to head to the store and pick up the ingredients for dinner. I get dressed and head out. I walk around the grocery store grabbing anything I’ll need for tonight. I check over my shopping and see the next item on the list is seasonings. I push the cart to the aisle and look for the seasons I need. Then I hear someone talking. Normally I would never listen in on a strangers conversation but I could have sworn they said AJ’s name. We lived in a somewhat small town, as a way to distance ourselves from the spotlight AJ lives in when he’s on the road. It was normal for people to gossip especially about the town celebrity. I looked around and saw two woman I didn’t know at the other end of the aisle looking away from me. “I’m telling you Helen it’s true. My son Jimmy told me. He has one of those wrestling fan sites and someone posted a picture of AJ Styles with some girl in his lap at a bar. And it was for sure not his fiancée.” “I don’t know Nancy. I’ve run into him a few times. He seems like such a nice guy. And I’ve seen him and (Y/N), I think that’s his fiancées name, out on dates a few times when William and I go out. They seem pretty happy and pretty in love.” “Let’s see if I can find the site my son showed me.” The first woman, Nancy, said pulling our her phone. “Well it’s not the same website but there’s quite a few links on here. Poor (Y/N). I wonder if she knows yet.” Both women shrug and start up on a new topic while walking father from me and to a new aisle. I get my phone from my purse and google ‘AJ Styles cheating’. AJ and I wanted to keep our relationship semi private. I didn’t want to the spotlight but he felt like it was important that people know we were together. He figured it may help keep gold digger girls off him. But I guess that wasn’t working. Google finally pops up results and I don’t believe my eyes. At least seven websites are reporting on AJ with different woman. I open a few of the links and almost cry right there in the grocery store. Dozens of pictures of AJ are posted. Each one he has a beer in one hand and a different girl near him or on his lap. This must be some joke. I look through the other websites and it’s all the same. I close my phone and walk out of the store without the items I was shopping for. I was in no mood to cook for him tonight. Tonight would be him explaining to me what the hell is going on. Once I get home I start crying. Why would AJ cheat on me? Was he getting tired of me? Was this his way of calling off our wedding that was only 3 months away? After a few minutes of tears and questioning everything I decided to find out some truth. I had only been to live shows a few times but while I was there some of the super stars gave me their numbers in case of emergency and I couldn’t get a hold of AJ. I look through my contacts and just decide to try Dean Ambrose. He and AJ didn’t get along well but he was always nice to me and I imagine he was also at bars and would tell me the truth. He doesn’t seem like the kinda guy to sugar coat things. Right as I’m about to hit the call button a text from AJ finally appears. “Sorry babe can’t make it home this week. Something came up we all have to stay. Try to be home next week. - AJ” What? He wasn’t coming home at all? We haven’t seen each other in a month or talked in almost a week and the only thing he has to stay is Sorry. He didn’t say he missed me or that he loved me? Once I read the message again to make sure I’m reading it correctly I call Dean. It rings three times then he answers. “This is Dean.” “Hey Dean. This is (Y/N) (Y/L/N). AJ’s fiancée. Have you seen AJ lately? He hasn’t been answer my calls and I’m worried about him.” I decide not to jump straight to the is my fiancé cheating on me line. “I’ve seen him a few times since the show. Seems like he’s fine. Hasn’t been making that stupid face he makes when he’s pissed.” “Okay. Now, um, this is really awkward but to ask but I figured you out of all people would give me a straight answer. I’ve seen the pictures on social media of AJ at bars with other women. Are those real? Is that really happening?” There’s a silence on the other end of the line. That can’t be good. It means he is trying to find the right way to tell me AJ is cheating. “Yeah they are. I’m sorry (Y/N). After the first time it happened we figured he was drunk and not thinking straight. Nothing happened the girl just danced on him and sat with him. When it happened again the next time Nikki Bella asked him what he was doing since he has a fiancée and all. He just snapped at her and told her to mind her own damn business. She thought about telling you but then realized no one but AJ knew your number.” With every word he said my world came crashing down. AJ was cheating on me. “So he starting talking girls back to his room?” “He took them somewhere.” “Is it true that something came up and you all have to stay for another week? He just sent me a text saying that.” “Yes that one is true. They scheduled wrong and our week off is in a week not this week. Listen I’ve gotta go but I’ll talk to AJ for you. I won’t tell him you know about the girls but I’ll tell him to actually call you since you’re worried about him.” “Okay. Thanks Dean you’ve been very helpful.” “No problem (Y/N). I hope things work out.” And with that the phone call is ended. For the next few days AJ still doesn’t call. Dean has started texting me updates on him though. He told AJ to call me and AJ said he would at some point but that hasn’t happened. Dean did say he hasn’t been hanging around any girls at the bars so that’s good I guess. I can’t believe the only contact I’m having with my fiancé is through a guy he can barely stand. During the rare moments I’m not thinking about AJ I’m thinking about our wedding. The wedding that might be called off. I had already bought a dress but I could sell it only. Same with the rings. The stone in my engagement ring was my grandmothers so I’ll take the stone back and him the rose gold setting back. I’ll see if I can take his silver band back to the jeweler where I bought it. Food could easily be canceled. Same with venue and hotel rooms among other odds and ends. I’d have to tell my family. That would be a mess. I’d have to move out of the house since it was his before we got together. I’d probably have to move back to home with my parents and find a job to save up money to rent an apartment. And here I thought I was living in a perfect fantasy world. Guess not. Today is a week later which means AJ should be home today. I don’t know if I’m ready. I’ve trying to mentally prepare myself for the last couple of nights. My phone started ringing while I was making my self some lunch. I knew who it was before I even looked at the caller ID. AJ had set his intro music has his ringtone on my phone. Everyone else was stuck with the generic ringtones preset on the phone. I take a deep breath before answer. “Hello.” “Hey Darlin’ I’m packing up now and I’ll be at the airport soon. So I’ll be home in about 3 hours. Is my girl gonna be waiting on me?” That’s what I normally did. I would go to the airport and wait for him to land and once I saw him I would run into his arms. But how could he be acting so casual? After everything that has happened. I take another breath and decide to call him out on it. “You’ve been cheating on me. And don’t lie either. I’ve seen the pictures and I’ve talking with Dean Ambrose. You didn’t talk to me for days and I have to find out you’ve been hanging around other women at bars from two strangers in the grocery store. And even when Dean told you I was worried and you to call me you didn’t. So tell me what the hell is going on? Is this your way of saying you want to call off the wedding and break up? Should I start packing my bags now and book a plane ticket to my parents?” By the end of this I’m crying. “Darlin’. Please don’t cry. I-I… It’s a lot to explain. I promise I don’t want to call off the wedding. I love you. Once I get home I’ll explain everything to you. Okay?” He sounded sincere. Like he was sorry. “I’ll be at the airport. It’s raining here and you should walk in the rain.” “Thank you Darlin’. I have a surprise for you. You’re gonna love it. I’ll see you soon. I love you.” “I love you too.” It’s such a knee jerk reaction I don’t have time to stop myself from saying it. But then again I do still love him. I start getting ready to head to the airport. After a shower, where I think about everything AJ said, I get dressed and do hair and makeup. Then I get to the airport and want by the baggage claim for AJ. Twenty minutes and a lot of games of phone solitaire later I hear people walking towards the area where I’m standing. I put my phone in my purse and look up. He’s one of the last to get to the claim area. I walk over to him and don’t say anything. He smiled a somewhat sad smile at me and waits for his suitcase to arrive. Once it does he grabs it and we wordlessly walk to the parking lot. “Do you want me to drive?” This is the first thing he says to me. “No. I couldn’t find the keys to the truck so I had to bring my car and you don’t like driving my car.” I say as we reach my car. He puts his bag in the backseat and we both get in. The drive is silent. Which is so unusual for us. Normally he’s telling me about his trip and at some point his hand will makes its way to mine and doesn’t let go until we are home. We reach home and head inside. AJ sets his suitcase in our room and comes back out to the living where I’m sitting on the couch waiting on his explanation. He sits in the chair across from me and sighs dragging his hand down his face. Something he does when he’s nervous or doesn’t want to talk about something. “I promise nothing happened with those girls. I didn’t sleep with any of them. I didn’t kiss them. Nothing happened. I only brought one back to my room and as soon I opened the door I thought of you and sent her away. I don’t know what got into me Darlin’. I guess I’m just worried about the wedding. I’m getting nervous. I don’t want what happened last time to happen again.” This would be AJ’s second marriage. The first ended in divorce. “But it won’t. I love you and would never cheat on you like she did. You are the only guy in the world for me. I care about you more then I care about myself.” I try my best to hold back the tears in my eyes but they slip anyway. AJ leans closer to me and wipes them away before sitting back straight. “I know that. And I was being stupid. And I am so sorry Darlin’. I promise it won’t happen again. These last two weeks I’ve been an idiot and I can’t believe I hurt my favorite girl for such a stupid reason. Can you forgive me?” “Hey can I be so sure it won’t happen again? There’s just a few months until the wedding and even after that things could happen.” “Come on the road with me. You’ve always said you want to travel and see new places. We would have to be more public with our relationship but you know I love you and you love me why not let people how much we love each other.” He moves from the chair to the couch and takes my hand in his. “Please forgive me Darlin’. I’ll do anything to prove how sorry I am.” I look down at our hands together. My tiny fingers laced with his bigger ones. Light reflecting off the stone in my ring. I look up to his face and I can see the sadness in his blue eyes. I take free hand and brush an out of place from his forehead and smile. “Okay. I’ll forgive you. And I’ll come on the road with you too.” His face breaks out into one of the biggest smiles I’ve ever seen and he kisses me for the first time in over a month. It’s simple, soft, and full of love. We pull apart and I lean into his chest and he wraps his arms around me. “Where’s my present? You said you bought me something?” He looks at me for a spilt second and laughs. “We just had a very touching heart-to-heart talk and now all you can think about is your present?” “Well if it’s from you then it’s bound to be an awesome present.” “It’s in my suitcase. I’ll go get it.” I lean up so he can get off the couch. He disappears to our bedroom and soon returns with a plain blue gift bag. He sits back down and pulls me on to his lap. “Here you go Darlin’.” He hands me the bag and I immediately reach my hand in. What I pull out is a t-shirt. One of his WWE merch t-shirts. A shirt that I probably have at least 3 more of in my dresser. I look at AJ for a moment confused and he takes the shirt and turns it around. On the back it says ‘AJ’s wife & Number 1 Fangirl’. I smile and giggle a little before setting the shirt aside. “I love it. I’ll wear it to every show. Make sure everyone knows who my man is.” “Damn right you’ll show them. If you start hanging around backstage I don’t want those idiots to think you’re free game. You’re mine.” “Yes I’m yours. Very happily yours.” I smile and kiss him again before he starts telling me all about his month on the road.

Whatever You Say

Jefferson wasn’t a fan of working late nights, being an early riser most days. He was, however, a fan of doing what had to be done, so when Washington called a late meeting, he was there. He was also very much a fan of coming home to the man he loved, even if that man was asleep, so he was grateful that Madison had agreed to stay the night at his house even if Jefferson wasn’t there for most of it.

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9 Bedtime Distractions

(AN: Just a wee word for the pure of heart: it gets a little steamy in here with this one. You’ve been warned.)


Dan: “Daaaan,” you singsonged, an intentional hint of annoyance in your soft voice, “Dan!” You got nothing but a half-hearted ‘hmm?’ from Dan’s place sitting on the floor. His eyes were glued to Fallout-Black-Ops-Auto-Scrolls 9000 or whatever, the video game you’d regretfully bought him for Christmas, not batting an eyelash in your direction. Not that you were the needy type, but it was getting late and you just wanted Dan to yourself once in a while. “It’s getting late,” you cooed, “Can’t we just… go to bed?” You felt like you were practically begging him, it was pathetic.

Without moving a muscle your way he responded, “Just let me finish this one last thing.” But that’s what he always said. You huffed and stood your ground on the sofa above him for a little while longer, watching whatever little journey his ‘character’ was going on. Whatever it was, it looked incredibly boring.

“Are you almost done?” You asked him periodically. Yes, you were well-aware you sounded like an absolute child, but you hoped your petulance would pry him away for the night. He’d been playing for hours, you could have sworn. “Aren’t you bored of that already?” You whined.

“Nope,” he replied. Dan well knew that he could get a little attached to new video games, but that certainly didn’t stop him.

You slumped yourself down on the floor next to him, very much next to him, your shirt riding up your back just the slightest. “Now?” You pried. He didn’t even glance before shaking his head no. You sighed a frustrated sigh, slinging your nearly bare legs over his. “Now?” You asked once more, wiggling your legs to get him to look. Most nights he was quite the legs guy, but he didn’t budge. Dan was absolutely torturing you at this point. With another dramatic sigh, you blocked his view of the telly, straddling him with your knees on either side of his legs. “Won’t you look at me now?“ You whined. He was teasing you to oblivion.

Dan looked into your eyes, nothing more, and pecked your lips with far too much chastity. “You look very nice, dear.” He ducked his head and craned it to the side in order to see the screen again, exposing his irresistible jawline. God, he was absolutely killing you!

If he was going to play this proverbial ‘game,’ then so were you. You didn’t dare move from your place on his lap, but instead began to sway your hips. Not grinding on him, no, but damn well wanting to. You leaned forward and placed open-mouthed kisses along his jawline, sucking there when it suited your fancy. Continuing the riding motion of your hips on his lap, your mouth found its way down Dan’s jaw and onto his neck, nibbling a possessive path he would be seeing in the morning. It was worth it when he would close his eyes for a moment and let out the occasional ’ah.’ Perhaps now you were finally getting his attention. You stopped at the crook of his neck, a known Daniel Howell Weak Spot, and let your lips linger ghostly against his skin.

“For fuck’s sake, darling,” Dan swore, tossing his controller to the side before gripping your waist to halt your movement, “you know what you do to me?”

You smiled a triumphant smile as Dan’s lips lunged for yours with an undeniable hunger. His large hands grabbed your bum, feeling what was his through the fabric of your pyjama shorts, gaining a surprised yet pleased yelp from you. You enjoyed your victory for the rest of the night, Dan particularly enjoying his ‘loss,’ if you could really call it that. Maybe it didn’t teach him to get off his video games, but it certainly did teach him how to get you on him.

Phil: For the fifth consecutive night in a row, Phil was up past midnight reading whatever Steven King novel tickled his fancy that month in the lounge, avoiding bed, and any contact with you for that matter, like the plague. His night owl tendencies drove you absolutely bonkers sometimes. Perhaps his subscribers liked the videos, but you, for one, were not a fan of ’Sleepless Nights with Phil.’ Not unless you had a say. You tried your hardest to sleep through it, you really did, but Phil’s conversation with his vlog camera still seemed to boom through the paper-thin walls of your flat.

You trudged – dramatically – into the kitchen to find something to eat. If you were going to suffer through the night, you’d have Phil know, and you might as well make it worth your while. With a slam of the refrigerator door, you made yourself known.

“Sounds like someone else is awake,” Phil noted to the camera, “or I’m being burgled,” he joked. He found his way to you and was about to turn his camera to you before noticing you were in nothing but a little satin slip, and it was probably not AmazingPhil-audience-friendly. His face amused you, however; his tongue stuck out just slightly, face flushed, and eyes on every part of your body at once. “What are you doing up?”

“I could ask you the same,” you retorted, passing him a wink. You took a large bite out of the apple in his hand and smiled at him deviantly. He now had his camera pointed at your face, to which you waved brightly despite your exhaustion.

“Hey!” Phil accused without holding back a loving chuckle, “That was my apple, you criminal!”

“Oh, was it?” You joked with an air of innocence. You stepped toward him and wrapped your arms around his middle and you lifted your head to face his. You were at just the right height to where Phil could bend down and kiss you if he wanted, but he resisted. Your chin rested against the soft cotton shirt on his sternum, looking up. You gave him your best please-come-back-to-bed-and-love-me look, peering into his light eyes close enough to see the pupils dilate at the sight of you. But all Phil did, damn him, was look right back. “Come back to bed…”

Phil moved the camera to his left hand, freeing his right hand to let it slide right below your waist. “But I’m not tired,” he whined like a child. At this point you didn’t know how much longer you could take it. “I like this,” he said in a much softer tone, feeling the satin of your slip between his fingertips and biting his bottom lip just so, “it’s lovely.”

“Maybe I’ll let you borrow it sometime,” you joked, intentionally teasing him so he’d get the damn idea already, “I think you’d look dashing in peach.”

Phil let out an entertained hum/chuckle from his chest and smiled down at you. The camera was still in his hand but no longer part of his focus. The hand that laid just above your bum moved down and inward, pressing your body against his deliciously. His head dipped down to steal a kiss from your lips, nothing heated, but enough to get you wanting more. “You taste like apple,” he noted, grinning at you as if he was the one that was trying to get something from this. Phil kissed you again, this one more brief than the last.

“Best turn that camera off now, yeah?” You suggested. What was to ensue (you hoped) certainly wasn’t part of the family-friendly AmazingPhil brand, and you only wanted Phil to yourself, not his audience. You didn’t let go as he flipped over the viewfinder and powered off the device. You kept your hands on him, holding and saving him as if from an invisible bandit. He was yours, all yours, and you were going to keep him.

After a long moment of his mouth on your neck, he laid a kiss on your lips and asked you lowly, “Bed?” You thought he’d never ask. You nodded and initiated, for once, a long and heated kiss. This was your victory lap, finally getting what you most wanted. You smiled against him and laughed quietly on the journey back to your long-awaited feather-down haven. He laid you down, as gently as his giant body could, on the mattress and followed suit on top of you. Maybe you weren’t quite the ruling seductress you’d made yourself out to be, but something certainly was working, as you got quite a lot of affection from Phil. “You know what, Y/N?” Phil weaved his words betwixt apple-flavoured kisses and small, low chuckles, “I’m still not tired.”
I'm Not Mad, I Swear!

Chris Motionless X Reader, fluffy!

This story was requested by @Lexyscissorhands! I changed it to a Reader POV, I hope you guys enjoy! P.S. This is a story I’ve posted on my account on in the past, so it’s mine and NOT plagiarized!!)

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Red // 1

Red — ft. Oh Sehun

// Contemporary Romance
// Adult Fiction
// Sexual & Explicit Language — it’s mildly smutty later on

A/N: This is my take on a requested CEO!au. I made this a mix of other concepts from the drabble list: “I don’t think I can do this anymore.” “I don’t want to hide this anymore. I’m not some dirty little secret.” 

// 1 // 2 // 3 // 4 //

‘You’ll be here soon?’

My hand grips onto my phone while sitting in the back seat of the car service. It weaves in and out through traffic as the driver makes it way to Arcola National Public Library. A part of me dreads the end of this drive and a part of me just wants the night to stop here and now right on the chaotic road without having to attend this philanthropy gala. But instead, I focus all of my professional attention onto the call with my stern and clear voice accentuating every word. "Yes, sir. I’ll be there in seven minutes.”

‘Seven. You’re always so exact,’ he chuckles and I can already imagine his laughter; how his head tilts and shakes mildly from side to side. ‘And also—sir? You know I prefer it when you use my name.’

I ingrain his pitch into my head and soul, knowing far well this will be my very last phone conversation with him. “Yes, but you are my boss and I’m your executive assistant, Sehun. Sir is the appropriate form of address.”

‘That may be true but you didn’t say that yesterday night.’

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anonymous asked:

Helloooo!! Could you write a scenario for Taichi, Kenjiro, Semi and Tendou when they have their first big fight with their s/o? I need something angsty with a good ending >.< I hope that's not too many characters but I'm on mobild and don't know where your rules are/ if you have any x.x sorry!

YES SHIRATORIZAWA. Honestly guys, send in more of these boys. I am so hyped about this season!!! 

Also, yes I do have rules! I posted a link for mobile users but you would have to scroll down my blog to find them. I also forgot that you asked for a first big fight and I was really tired when I wrote this BUT I tried really hard on these(: (but if you don’t like these, definitely feel free to send in the request again!)

Long//Female Pronouns Used


It was after Taichi’s volleyball game, his team had won and you guys were going to go out and celebrate. You exited the bleachers and started making your way to find Taichi. That’s when you say him, except, he was with another girl. She was hanging all over your man. You felt your stomach drop and your face burning up with anger. You could feel the tears starting to well up in your eyes, “Taichi how could you?!” The middle blocker was shocked to see you, “(Y/n)-chan!” The sight before your eyes was too painful to look at. You turned your back and ran out of the gymnasium as fast as your feet could carry you. 

You made it all the way home. You were out of breath but you were too sad to even notice. As soon as you entered your room, you threw yourself onto your bed. You muffled your loud cries into your pillow, not wanting your parents to hear. All of a sudden you felt your phone vibrating, you looked at the screen and saw Taichi’s name. You ignored him and went back to crying into your pillow. That’s when you heard something against your window. At first, you didn’t think anything about it, but the noise wouldn’t stop. You went to look out your window to see what was up. 

Standing outside of your window was Taichi, he had small pebbles in his hands. “Taichi, what’re you doing here?” He dropped the tiny stones, “I came to see what was wrong! You started crying and ran out of the gym!” Crossing your arms over your chest you said, “Don’t play dumb Taichi! You know I saw you with that girl. She had her hands all over you!” Kawanishi dropped his head into his hands. “No, (y/n)! It’s not what you think, that was Reon’s sister!” 

You stood there dumb founded. Not only did you falsely accuse Taichi of cheating, but you made a complete idiot of yourself in front of everyone. You couldn’t take it anymore. You left your room and headed down the stairs and out of the house to where Taichi was. You jumped into his arms, knocking him onto the ground, smothering him with tiny apology kisses. 


“Kenjiro, I know you want to get better, but practice has been over for two hours and I need to get home.” Shirabu looked unphased, “Ok. I’m going to stay here for a while. I’ll see you at school on Monday.” He didn’t move his eyes from the ball and continued to practice. You were worried about Shirabu, he’s been practicing non-stop. Lately, he’s been so tired that he’s falling asleep in class. You walked behind Kenjiro and wrapped your arms around him, “Kenny please stop, you’re going to over work yourself!” He clutched the ball with his large hands. You could feel his sweat seeping through his shirt, but that wasn’t going to make you let go. “Please Kenjiro, please st-”

“I can’t! I have to be able to give the best tosses I can to Ushijima! If I don’t, then I won’t be able to play with strong players. So please (y/n), just keep supporting me and let me-” 

You squeezed him harder, “No Shirabu! You need to rest! I can’t support you if you don’t know when to take a break! I refuse to help you practice or got to your matches anymore. I-I just don’t want you to make yourself sick. I love you Kenjiro…I want to see you succeed but you need to go home and get your rest!” 

Shirabu was silent for a moment, then he started to chuckle, “That’s what I like about you (y/n). You always know how to keep me in line…” He turned around and placed his hands on your cheeks. “You’re right, I’m sorry.” Kenjiro leaned his, resting his forehead on yours. “Come on (y/n)-chan, let’s clean up the gym. I’ll walk you to the station tonight.” 


Semi had asked to come over and go swimming with you. At first you were excited, not only would you get to see Semi in all his glory, but you got to show off your cute new swimsuit! Only problem was, you guys hadn’t even been in the water for ten minutes and all Eita was doing was complaining about Kenjiro. Semi didn’t even comment on your new one piece! 

“That punk Shirabu…I can’t believe he replaced me as the official setter!” Lately, that’s all your boyfriend has been talking about. Shirabu this, Shirabu that. Usually you took the time to comfort Semi, but today you just weren’t having it. “I’m not trying to be rude Semi, but don’t you think you should get over it now? I mean it’s been a few months? Plus isn’t he a second year? Maybe take this time to coach him or something.” You could tell he was getting pouty because he crossed his arms and puffed out his chest. That’s when he swam over to you, “I thought you were on my side!” 

You sighed, “I am on your side Eita, I just think it’s time for you to move on. Just work even harder to get your spot back!” He made a pouty face, “You don’t get it do you?” Ugh that’s it, you have had enough! “You know what? Do whatever, I’m tired of always comforting and supporting you about this. If you don’t want my opinion, then don’t come to about your problems.” You started to get out of the pool, “Hey! Where are you going?” 

“What does it look like I’m doing? I’m going to dry off and go inside.”

“Oh no you don’t!” Eita grabbed you by the waist and pulled you back in. “What the heck Semi?!” He started poking you around your hips and stomach. His was face turning red. “I guess I’m upset about the whole situation mainly because now I don’t look as cool when you come to my games. I mean I’m always on the bench watching everyone else…” Oh, now you get it. He was worried about trying to impress you.

“Semi, you’re so silly.” You turned to face Eita and gave him a wet kiss. “I don’t care about that. I mean, of course I want to see you play, and I get really excited when you do. But all I care about is you wanting to get better and giving it your all!” 

He gave you a big grin, “You know (y/n), I can tell you’re starting to fill out some.” You splashed him, “Shut up!” He gave you even more tiny kisses and he continued to poke at sides.

Tendou (This one isn’t too angsty sorry)

“(Y/n)-chan, take a look at this manga!” You and Tendou were having yourselves a cute little date. He wanted to head on over to the bookstore to see if any new Shounen Jump had been released. “Oh cool! Is that the new one from that anime you’ve been watching?” He nodded his head in excitement, “Yes! I’m going to go pay for it! You wait here, I’ll be right back!” He practically skipped to the register. “He’s so cute…”

“Speaking of cute.” You heard a voice behind you. When you looked to see who it was, you saw that it was classmate of yours. “Oh, hello (c/m/n). Are you here to buy the new shounen jump to?” He shook his head, “Not exactly.” He took a step closer. “By the way, you look absolutely adorable today. Are you alone today? We could get away from here if that’s ok with you?” He grabbed your wrist and started to pull on you.

“Actually, I’m here with my boyfriend, and will you please let me go?” He wouldn’t take no for an answer though. “Oh are you still dating that chump Tendou? Why don’t you dump him and go with a real man like me?” That’s when a large shadow appeared. It loomed over your classmate, you recognized it perfectly. It was Tendou. 

He snorted, “Excuse me? What’re you doing to my girl?” (C/m/n) let go of your wrist. “Hey look man I don’t want any trouble.” Satori wasn’t having it though, he grabbed your classmate by the collar and held him against the book shelf. “Let me give you some advice pal, if I ever hear about you hitting on my girl ever again, I’ll throw volleyballs at your head so hard that you’ll slip into a coma.” 

“Ok, Ok! I’ll leave her alone for good, just let me go!” Tendou set down the scared boy and watched as he ran out of the bookstore. You looked up to Satori, “Thanks babe!” He draped an arm around your shoulder, “Nobody messes with miracle boy’s girl!” 

You sighed, “The moment’s over…” He yelped a little, making the store clerk shush him. The two of you left the bookstore hand in hand, feeling very proud to have such a protective boyfriend. But not before Tendou snuck in some kisses in between the bookshelves~ 

Title: I Want to Hold Your Hand

Summary: Upcoming Youtuber Lucas Perkins, otherwise known as lightperks, has no intention of hiding his growing admiration for Phil Lester. He blatantly flirts with him at YouTube events and continuously praises Phil in his videos. Phil thinks it’s sweet and hilarious but Dan isn’t happy at all and he doesn’t plan on letting Phil know how he feels about him anytime soon.

Starts off Platonic Phan

Word Count: 3.49K

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Title: What You Are In The Dark
Fandom: Haikyuu!!
Pairings: Tsukishima Kei/Yamaguchi Tadashi
Words: 2157
Summary: Late nights aren’t anything new.
Read on AO3

This is the fic I wrote for @yankasmiles for the @tsukyamgiftexchange! Enjoy!~

Lil note: Okay it’s time for a super embarrassing confession and I hope this isn’t too weird but here we go. So when I first got the message in my inbox like “you will be making a gift for: yankasmiles” I kind of panicked. I saved this as “oh no oh no oh no” in my google docs. I’m a huge fan (I typed fuge han at first lmao) of yours and I admire you so much, both as an artist/general content creator and as a person, and I was really nervous writing this because I’m like “omg what if it’s actually good and Yanka likes it and we start talking and we’re kinda friends??!?!!” because yeah I’m a very shy bean. I just want to talk tsukyam with you because you’re the actual Tsukyam Queen and I’m rambling now but I hope this isn’t too awkward and I really hope you like this!! Happy holidays and happy 2017!!!

Also, thanks to @violet-boy for betaing! You deserve the world <3

The poster is neat and organized, just the way Kei likes it. All the outlining is done, the title’s written at the top in purple pen in a simple but interesting script filled with loops and swirls - thanks to Tadashi, of course; Kei’s never been artsy enough for anything like that - and the pictures are laid out in columns, waiting to be glued down. It isn’t anywhere near finished, sure, but it looks good for what it is. And it’ll get done before tomorrow morning. Somehow.

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summary: phil’s ace and can’t help but feel like he’s broken

genre: angst, but there is fluff at the end

warnings: identity crisis kind of

word count: 1000 exactly (i swear i’m some kind of wizard this is amazing)

link on ao3!

a/n: i really really really like holly

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Makorin Day 4: Kids

In which Rin overthinks everything.  

It’s 3am and Rin can’t sleep.

Makoto is lying beside him with a peaceful expression on his face, his arm splayed out protectively over Rin’s waist.  It’s warm and comfortable under the blankets, enough to lull him off on most nights, but his mind just won’t shut up.

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anonymous asked:

I'm not good at coming up with prompts just looked some up some so here are a few I thought were funny: 1 we were having a fun games night w our friends but now everyone’s left your flat apart from me bc we’ve played twenty games of connect 4 and still haven’t managed to find a winner and gdi i will beat you. 2 my cat ran into your garden so i followed and now i'm running around and whistling and i thought you were out but you are watching from your window.

Yes hello I’m doing both of these.

1. Saturday Night’s Alright for Fighting (Get a Little Action In)

“Getting late, Sid.”  Geno spins his red plastic coin between his fingers as Sidney ponders his next move.  “Maybe we call it a draw?”

“It’s not that late,” Sidney says absently.  Dropping his piece in the far left column would let Geno win, but the others he isn’t as sure about.  Trying to think three moves ahead, he takes a moment to glance at the clock.  “Not even nine yet.”

“I thought maybe we go to bed early.”  Out of the corner of his eye, he sees Geno’s eyebrows dart up, and his voice drops into a low rumble that shivers its way down Sidney’s spine.  “See if I can tire you out.”

“I …”  Sidney looks up again to take in the way Geno’s looking at him, all dark eyes and a slow, small smile.  “Oh.”

“Everyone else already gone.”  His smile turns a little wicked.  “I promise Duper I give you a ride.”

“Yeah,” Sidney says, a little embarrassed by how breathless the word sounds.  He glances down, sees the board between them.  “But …”

“Serious, Sid?” Geno asks flatly, and Sidney bristles.

“We’ve been playing for over half an hour!” he protests.  “We can’t quit before we have a winner, okay, we just–what?”

“Nothing,” Geno chuckles, shaking his head with a look that Sidney can only classify as fond.  “Don’t know what I expect.  Maybe we make more interesting, though?”

“Sure,” Sidney shrugs.  “What were you thinking?  Five bucks?”

“No.”  Geno purses his lips for a moment before breaking out into a shit-eating grin.  “Winner is top when we go upstairs.”

Sidney stares at him for a long moment.  Geno’s eyes are bright, his tongue poking mischievously out of the corner of his mouth, and he’s still turning that damned token between long, clever fingers.

“You couldn’t have thought of that twenty minutes ago?” Sidney demands, and finally drops his coin into the last column on the left.

2. You and Your Pussycat Eyes

“Dixi,” Zhenya croons, padding further out into the grass.  He says a quick prayer of thanks that it hasn’t rained recently–he’s already learned that the drainage in his new backyard isn’t exactly the best, and he doesn’t have time to go back inside and hunt down a pair of shoes.  “Dixi, come back, gorgeous,” he calls.  “You’re missing breakfast!”

She doesn’t really seem to care, as the next thing he sees is a flash of brown and orange as she scrambles over the fence into the next yard over.Cursing to himself, he only hesitates a moment before dashing to the gate.  None of his neighbors are ever up this early to see him in his bathrobe and bare feet, excepting–of course–the man whose yard he’s about to break into.  Zhenya’s seen him out running this time every morning for the past two weeks, though, so he figures he should be fine.  Just go in, he tells himself, opening the latch on next-door’s tall wooden privacy fence; get the cat; come back and shut her inside again where she can’t wander off.  Dixi is smart, and she’s used to being outside, but this is a new neighborhood and Zhenya doesn’t want her getting lost or hurt.

“Pretty girl,” he calls out.  The grass on this side of the fence has just been cut, and he feels vaguely guilty leaving footprints in the nice neat patterns the mower’s left.  “Come out, sweetheart.  Time to go home,” he singsongs.  “There’s a nice piece of fish waiting for you,” he adds in a shameless lie.  “Doesn’t that sound good?”

“Um.  Excuse me?”

The voice startles him so badly that he slips a little on the dewy ground, barely saving himself from falling flat on his ass.  He looks up in trepidation, and apparently his luck this morning is holding steady, because sure enough, his neighbor is standing on the patio, a mug clutched in one hand as he stares at Zhenya in mild alarm.

“Sorry for … intrude?” he tries, biting back a wince at the thickness of his accent.  His grasp of English tends to get weaker when he’s nervous about something.  His gorgeous neighbor standing there in a sweat-damp t-shirt and running shorts that show off his thickly-muscled thighs is almost enough to make him forget the damn language altogether.  “My cat, she get out, run over here.”

“Yeah.  I, uh …”  His neighbor’s gaze drops, taking in Zhenya’s attire–or lack thereof–and when he raises his eyes again his cheeks are faintly pink.  “I had the kitchen window open?” he says hesitantly.  “I’m guessing your cat is probably the one sitting in my sink now.”

“Oh.”  Zhenya can’t quite seem to decide between embarrassment and relief.  He takes a step forward, then stops himself, gesturing towards the open door.  “I can come get?”

“Yeah!  Yes, come on in.”  He leads the way, but pauses before he’s taken more than a couple of steps himself.  “I’m Sidney, by the way.  Crosby.  I guess we’re neighbors?”

“I just move in,” Zhenya confirms with a smile.  “Evgeni Malkin.”  He sees the familiar look of suppressed alarm on Sidney’s face, and can’t help but laugh a little.  “You call me Geno.”

“Okay.  Geno.”  He gestures to himself.  “Sid.”

“Is very nice to meet,” Zhenya grins.

“Very nice,” Sidney agrees, and this time the pink that floods his cheeks is even brighter.  “Do you, uh, want a cup of coffee, maybe?” he asks, apparently forgetting about the unplanned trespassing, the cat waiting in the kitchen, and the fact that Zhenya isn’t wearing any pants.

“Would love coffee,” Zhenya says, because his mother didn’t raise him to turn away from good fortune.  “Thank you.”


 So the amazing wrote some awesome headcanons about the Marauders (, and I wanted to do something to thank them. So here’s a Wolfstar ficlet I wrote about the headcanon about Remus, I really hope you like it! It’s very rushed and I haven’t written much HP so I’m still grasping, but I wanted to do something for you for brightening my day.

 As a rule, Remus Lupin is a very calm person. Any of his classmates could tell you that he never raises his voice and never gets upset, not even in situations where anyone else would. He stays calm and collected, and uses a healthy dose of sarcasm to get through frustrating situations. Quite a few people, including some of the teachers most tired of dealing with certain students, have wondered what his secret is.

 His roommates, however, haven’t needed to wonder after the years of sharing a dorm with him. They know full well that the reason Remus can always stay so calm, is that he doesn’t. Not always.

 Remus had been off all day. Not many people could tell, but his best friends knew him well enough to know when he wasn’t himself. Sirius had tried to ask him about it a few times, but after getting brushed off with an annoyed “I’m fine” for the third time, he decided it was best to let it go for the time being.

 It was after dinner when all four marauders had retreated to their dormitory, that it all culminated.

Remus had been looking for his ink bottle for a good few minutes, refusing the others suggestions of just borrowing some from them.

 "No, if I don’t find it now I’ll have to look for it in the morning, and I won’t have time to revise for transfiguration.“

 After about ten minutes and with Remus looking like he might hit someone, Peter asked timidly: "Hey, Moony, that isn’t your bottle of ink under James’ bed, is it?” Remus stared at Peter for a moment. Then at the bottle, very visible just to the right from the left leg of James’ bedstead.

 "Right", he said quietly, snatching the ink bottle into his hand. Without another word he went to his desk and started writing the essay he’d needed the ink for in the first place. Sirius’ eyes followed him silently.

 Remus had gotten about two paragraphs done when his she knocked down the ink bottle with the sleeve of his shirt, soaking both his parchment and shirtfront.


 The ink bottle went flying, crashing into a wall. James and Sirius shared a glance.

 "C'mon Pete, let’s go down to the common room and play some chess”, James said and grabbed the hand, who didn’t object to being dragged away from the dormroom. They had both gotten familiar with these situations over the years.

 Sirius remained sitting on his bed, wincing slightly as Remus’ desk chair was smashed against the nearest bedpost. Remus swore loudly, kicking his desk.

 This went on for a while. It always did. Remus cursed and threw around half of the things in his trunk, kicking and punching and swearing until he was too tired to anymore.

 When Remus fell to his knees next to the remains of his chair, Sirius took his cue and walked over, sitting down beside him. They sat in silence for a moment, only broken by Remus’ heaving breaths. When breaths turned into sobs, Sirius wrapped his arms around Remus, who fell against him without hesitation. He was too tired to do much else. Sirius stroked his hair and let Remus cry into his shoulder. They stayed there for what might have been hours, might have been minutes, neither of them kept count.

 When Remus’ sobs slowed and then stopped, Sirius wordlessly guided him onto his bed. Sirius didn’t even bother considering giving Remus space, he knew that wasn’t what the teen needed right now, but climbed to the bed with Remus and pulled him close.

 Remus was already near sleep, but Sirius quickened the process the best way he knew how - he started singing, along the melody of a muggle song which name he couldn’t quite recall. Remus fell asleep in seconds, snuggling as close to Sirius as he could with sleepy determination.

 When Sirius woke up in the morning, Remus was already up, sitting next to Sirius on the bed with a text book in his lap. Any evidence of last night’s breakdown had been vanished, and the way Remus smiled as he saw Sirius’ eyes blink in the light of the morning, looked lighter than it had in weeks.

anonymous asked:

What if I don't want to recover? I mean, my disorder (AvPD, neurosis, depression or just idiotism - who knows? My self-dx was AvPD with BPD traits but I'm not sure anymore) is ruining my life, I make the situation worse and worse, but (>)

(>) all I want (and do) is to curl up and die instead of doing anything for myself. They say and I know I have to try harder but… how to stop running away from that all? I’m so tired of it.// Sorry if it was inappropriate, stupid or something else.

Don’t apologize, this wasn’t inappropriate or stupid at all. Your feelings are never stupid. And I’m sorry that you’re struggling. Recovery is a hard thing… It takes a lot of work and it’s easy to feel like you’re not cut out for it. And it’s exhausting. That’s why relapses happen, that’s why people get burnt out for a while… But that doesn’t mean it’s not worth it. 

I know it can be hard to try and understand what’s worth it about recovery. It’s really hard for me too. I saw my first psych when I was around 6 or 7 years old. I can honestly tell you that I don’t remember a life without pain… I’m told I was a happy child before things went bad and I’m sure I was, but I don’t remember it. I’ve been in and out of the mental health system my whole life, and I’ve always told myself that I obviously don’t want to get better and would prefer to remain miserable or disappear, and that’s why I’m so unresponsive to treatment, and why I run away from any help or support or love. I’ve never believed that I deserve to feel better, or that it’s something I’m even capable of. But that’s not true. It’s not that I don’t want to be happy… It’s that I don’t know how. 

And I don’t know you or your life, but I think that sometimes we need to take a step back and stop blaming ourselves for our exhaustion. It’s a scientific fact that life is just harder to handle for some people. There’s something in the brains of some people that make us sensitive to the world. And that’s no one’s fault, and certainly not yours. I think it’s important to step back and stop blaming yourself for not wanting to recover and realize that you’ve lived a long time, whether it be 2 years or 20, being unhappy and having no direction. That messes with your perception in a way that’s not easy to explain.

It’s hard to tell you it’s worth it to recover so you can experience something you might not remember, and I think it’s why so many of us are confused or affronted by the idea. What could possibly be worth all this? But there is something there that’s worth it, or else no one in the world would be able to get out of bed in the morning, even those without mental illness… Speaking as someone who certainly isn’t “better” and isn’t sure when “better” will ever be a part of my future. I don’t leave my bed most days. My phone has been broken for over 6 months and I haven’t fixed it so that no one can contact me. I just dodged the best counselor I’ve ever had for a month and a half because I’m a coward… I’m not going to lie to you or try to sell you a false positive. I’m in the same boat and have been for a long time.

And I could tell you to find something worth recovering for in small happy moments, like the perfect cup of tea or a really great sunset… And it’s not that those moments don’t feel good, but it’s hard to even notice things like that when you’re like this. I think it’s more than that. I don’t think you need to focus on fleeting moments that may or may not define your happiness. 

I think that if you want to see what is worth recovery, you need to know that life can be more than just surviving. I don’t think recovery is about reaching happiness. I think recovery is about reaching a point where you are actively living your life for you, and then that gives you the opportunity to find happiness just like any other person. Recovery gets you to a point where you care enough about yourself to want better things for yourself.

I don’t want to just tell you something optimistic and dismissive because it’s not always as easy as positive affirmations. And I know how frustrating it can be to keep hearing ‘it gets better! keep trying!’. Recovery is a long process but it’s not exclusive… It’s really hard but you’ve probably been through a lot of hard things in your life. It might help to go through something hard that you chose for yourself, and chose to help yourself. You wouldn’t be in pain if you didn’t have a reference point of something better.

I’m sorry for how long this is.. I really hope I’m not coming across as preachy. I’m just trying to say that you’re not alone in this but I also don’t think you’re hopeless. Take care of yourself. 

- Shinji

Sweet Sixteen- Chapter 7
You guys are being hella freaking sweet to me today, so have another chapter. :)

Vic and I spent the rest of Saturday together, well at least up until he had to go to work. He told me he wanted to stay home with me, but Jaime was still off sick so he had to go and run the place. He assured me there would be no incidences like the one from Friday, and I believed him. He wasn’t stupid enough to do it again.

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Hear My Prayer

It has been several years since they’ve last had to save the world. They still hunt regularly, but the Winchester star in the hunter universe has diminished. They settle down in Kansas, within an hour or two of the bunker, which stands empty most days. They only return to it during initial research for cases.

Sam gets a big ass dog and falls in love with a ridiculously tiny and adorable librarian with a wicked sense of humor. She doesn’t bat an eyelash when he comes home from hunts bruised and battered, and turns into their new Bobby, fielding calls from suspicious officials and digging up new research while they’re away from the Men of Letters’ library.

Cas and Dean finally give in to their years of unresolved sexual and romantic tension, and move in together. Dean builds a panic room in their basement so that eventually they can move their hunting gear out of the back shed and actually have a place to put their lawn mower. Cas bakes a lot of pie.

They’re happy, for the most part. But there are always nightmares and flashbacks to deal with. There’s always Dean’s nagging sense of failure and inadequacy. That’s the thing that makes Cas want to rip his grace out and fling it into the ocean. He can physically feel Dean’s dismay, his self-loathing, the desperation for a salvation he doesn’t even believe in. It sits in the hollows of Cas’s heart, clawing at the sides.

It’s worst after a hunt that goes poorly. It’s a thing that happens, no matter how hard they try, no matter how good they get at working together. Dean stalks around in a black mood for days, shrugging away from Cas’s touch and pouring bourbon in his coffee. Cas hides the tequila and bakes extra pies, luring Dean out from under his dark cloud.

This week is the worst one, though. A little girl died. Dean got to her about three seconds too late, barely in time to hold her as she died. Cas distracted the witch long enough for Sam to vanquish her, and they helped the parents bury their little girl in the safest grave they could contrive. Sam had mentioned cremation, but at the look on their faces, dropped the subject quickly.

Cas looks up from the pie pan he’s washing in the sink—the apple pie is already in the serving dish—when Dean stomps into the kitchen. “Hey,” Cas says.

Dean grunts in response, but Cas feels the pinch of Dean’s desperation between his own shoulder blades. Dean opens the fridge and glares at its contents, unimpressed.

“The pie is cooling,” Cas offers.

Dean lets the fridge door close and stares at his feet.

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