I have this idea for a little while. It is very sad, but I mean, I’m a writer, I need to write some sad stuff too.
Warnings: Mentions of suicide, suicidal theme in the text
Also, read the note at the end
(the gif doesn’t fit in at all, but I couldn’t find anything more appropriate)
The first week after the incident, Ethan was in shock and denial. It felt like there was a barrier of fog in front of him, and there was no way out. Everything felt untouchable, as if he didn’t really exist. No matter what Mark, Amy, Kathryn, or Tyler tried; no one could reach him. He acted like a ghost, floating around. He was neither awake nor asleep. He just… was.
The second week after the incident, the fog seemed to lift. He was more responsive, but he still seemed shut off. More than not he was lost in thought, and he seemed apathetic to everyone around him. When Mark managed to cut his hand badly, Ethan didn’t even help. He just played his videogame, muttering “bummer” under his breath when Mark told him. It’s not like he meant to be so cold, but everything still seemed unreal. He built up walls of glass around him, muffling the noise. He didn’t want to feel, or think. He didn’t want people to worry, but a wall of glass is still see-through.
The fifth week after the incident, the glass walls seemed to get thinner. Ethan started doing more. He made more videos, exercised more, and he even cleaned the apartment thrice a week. He was still loud and energetic in his videos, but it wasn’t hard to see that the light in his eyes were gone. His fans told him to take some time off, but he couldn’t. The walls were getting thinner, and he had to keep himself distracted. He had to keep himself from feeling. He went out running with Mark, pushing himself harder than he had ever done. He didn’t even notice Mark’s concerned looks.
The seventh week after the incident, the walls broke. He was at Mark’s house, going to fix some breakfast, and suddenly it all came crashing down. The pain grabbed a tight hold of his chest, and he couldn’t keep himself standing. Everything he was holding tumbled to the ground, along with him. The sorrow and pain started choking him, and he tried to fight it off. He screamed so loudly he couldn’t hear himself, and darkness surrounded him. The regret and blame was knocking him down with death threatening punches, making his ears ring. He saw everything from the night. He saw her. The jump. The lifeless body. The way he tried to wake her, as if she was just asleep. He remembered how she smiled at him from the top of the building, how her eyes were filled with tears. Everything he said, everything he did, nothing worked. The way her hand felt so cold and lifeless in his. Screaming, he hit the tiles on the floor, wanting to forget that night.
“Ethan, Ethan, what are you doing?” Mark yelled as he looked into the kitchen. Ethan sat crumbled on the floor, sitting amongst shards of broken glass and spilled juice. His arms were bloody, but he kept hitting the floor, the fridge, anything. Tyler rushed to his side, and the two men lifted him up. Ethan yelled at them to let him go, but they held onto him, no matter how much he kicked and yelled. Amy and Kathryn stood and watched, Amy hugging Kathryn tightly at the sight of the scene. Tyler held Ethan close to his chest, his arms wrapped around him in a protective manner. Ethan grew weak, finding it hard to stand up. He stopped fighting, and slowly, everything became blurry. He felt dizzy and nauseous, and suddenly his legs disappeared beneath him. Darkness took over him as loud, muffled voices shouted his name.
He didn’t want to respond.
He opened his eyes and saw Amy smiling softly at him. Lifting his arms, he was going to rub the sleep out of his eyes, but he noticed the bandages over his hands. The memories came flooding back, and he had to shut his eyes tight, trying to block out the images of the lifeless body. Amy stroked him on the arm, but he swatted the hand away. She pulled up a little tray with food on it, placing it on Ethan’s lap. He looked at it confusedly, as if he had never seen food before.
“You’ve been asleep for about 36 hours… We thought we’d let you rest, but you need to eat.” Amy sat by the end of the bed, and Ethan looked blankly at her. “Thanks, but no thanks. I’m not hungry.” He looked away from the food, and a picture caught his eye. It was of him and his girl… ex- girlfriend, merely three weeks before the incident. She looked so happy. He hurriedly faced the picture down, and looked back at Amy. There was no pity in her eyes, but they were warm and filled with love.
“Ethan… We know you’re hurting. Everyone knows, even your fans. You’ve been in shock, alright, but you’ve also built up walls around you. We’re here for you. Her death affected all of us, and you most of all. Let us help,” Amy reached for his hand, but Ethan didn’t grab it. Chuckling, he put away the tray and stood up. He laughed loudly, worrying Amy. His eyes were blank and filled with tears, and still laughing, his voice started breaking.
“Amy, this is my fault. Everything of this is my fault-”
“This isn’t your fault. Nobody knew-”
“I should have known!” He pointed at himself, his voice booming and his body shaking. “I should have known, okay? I was her boyfriend. I was supposed to protect her, keep her happy. I was supposed to be there for her. But I didn’t know. I didn’t know, I wasn’t there and now she’s dead.” His voice was trembling with every word, tears spilling down his cheeks.
“You weren’t there. You weren’t there that night, but I was. I should have stopped her! I should have talked her out of it; it was my responsibility! What am I worth if I can’t stop someone from feeling like their life is worthless? What if any of you guys start feeling suicidal, and I’m not able to be there for you?” He stopped for a moment, trying to collect himself. “I saw her. I saw her the moment she went from alive to dead. And it hurts. The images haunt my mind and whenever I close my eyes, I see her lying there. Dead. I can’t help but feel like this is my fault. I should have known. I should have done… something. Anything. Instead, I’m alive, and she’s dead.”
Slowly, Amy stood up. She walked up to Ethan, and hugged him tightly. He let all his emotions spill, and cried into her shoulder. The knot in his chest loosened, and it felt a little easier to breathe. After a little while, he stood up straight, and Amy smiled at him. She dried his tears, and fixed his hair a little bit.
“Even if you don’t believe me right now, it was not your fault. In the end, it was her choice. You cannot keep blaming yourself. It is very hard. I understand that. I’m not going to say that your feelings will disappear overnight, or that you will be happy the next week. What I can say though, is that we’re here for you. We’re here if you need to cry, talk, or get your mind on something else. We will support you through the night and guide you to the day. You just have to be willing, okay? We love you Ethan,” she squeezed his hands gently, and he hugged her tightly thankful for his friend.
“I love you too, Amy.”
And things weren’t all right. He was definitely not all right.
But that day, a little bit of darkness disappeared in Ethan.
And that was a start.
So a lot of you might be wondering why I chose to write something like this. No, I don’t sit fantasizing about Ethan having a girlfriend, and her killing herself. There isn’t really any huge reason why this is a fanfic at all, I just like using youtubers for my characters.
Anyway, many people blame themselves after incidents like these. I remember that my friend called me in the middle of the night,and I didn’t answer. He cut himself, and I blamed myself a lot after that. If only I hadn’t been asleep. If only I hadn’t had my phone on mute.
Still, it was not my fault. And it is not your fault.
You hear me?
It is not your fault.
Still, be there for each other. Care for one another. If anyone need to talk about things that relate to this, just message me.
And remember, it gets better. Even if it doesn’t seem like it will.