not going to think anymore my brain hurts

i. domesticity

I drink milk every day because my doctor says I need it to grow. Kind of like I need this calcium rush in order to make my bones stronger so I stop cracking them so easily. Preventing them from ever reverting to the weak, knobbly knees of last summer when a boy I had a crush on. Had a crush on, crushed me. Like a pulp. Into grains. Like a spoon grinding up soggy cereal swimming at the bottom of a bowl. I wake up in the middle of the night, remembering I didn’t drink 3 glasses today, and run to the refrigerator in my socks and chug it straight from the gallon, barbaric and yearning like a schoolgirl hitching her skirt up too high, and picture the white flowing through my veins. Softening me. Rounding me out. Giving me curves. I get a brain freeze instead and pray I’ll stop crying over spills and that I can sleep with this cold lurching in my stomach.

ii. vicinity

Maybe one day my hair will stop being so limp in the heat, but I don’t think that kind of thing can be anticipated, so I just have to wait. Girls like me live in the back of an un-air-conditioned convenience store, ratty sweatpants, tight tank tops, and crawl out with week-old receipts bursting from their pockets. Like glued ribcage kind of girls, like elastic hair tie, red marks around the wrist kind of girls. The cashier doesn’t mind when I snag a magazine from the rack and browse through it without paying because no matter how hard I try, I end up looking pre-pubescent anyway. And they let things slide. For a girl like me, at least. I’m saying, lopsided bun, wide eyes, a mouthful of crooked teeth, stars pulling them into their places, I was always too scared to get braces. The cover has some headline about how to enlarge your breasts naturally, which I think might be useful, and another about how to communicate effectively with others without saying hurtful things, which makes me laugh. I flip to the back to check my horoscope and eat that prophetic, adolescent shit catered to the teenage soul up like Eucharist laid under the tongue. Swallow down a spoonful of March’s: “Prepare to face some stress this month, but that’s okay! You’ll be able to get through it and find time to relax.” I want to rip out the page and shove it into my bra, like keeping these soft, meaningless words close to my chest will make them seep into my heart and change me. Stop making me think so much, fill my brain up with Arizona tea and static instead. But I’m cheap, and I shove the magazine back. I think my chest will stay flat forever.

iii. mobilization

I seek healing. Mending. I’m fingernails deep, sitting in the back of a subway at 3 a.m., pressing crescent moons into the leather seat, trying to dig up salvation. You can’t find that here, you can’t find that in the cracks between the tiles, you can’t find comfort in the ground up cigarette butt stamped into the floor. I’m wishing against this fogged up glass I could say anything, anything that would make sense for once, so someone could help me. Like please, my mind is bending in backwards, like please, I don’t think this underdeveloped chest can take any more of this resentment or it’s going to explode through my ribcage, out of my flesh, like please, I don’t want to hurt anymore. And it’s not my fault that I launch myself around like I’m in some sick little competition, pretending I don’t care, like I’m having the time of my life. Of course I’m not, of course I’m not, I don’t think having your hands shake and your brain go fuzzy whenever you think a little too much is fun, something to be documented for the world to see. I guess I’m different from other people that way, I’d rather people think I’m having a good time than actually have one without anyone knowing. I wish I knew how to sew, so I could stitch up my fibrillating heart, no matter how sloppy and crooked, but the needle jabs my finger as the subway lurches left, and I bleed, I bleed, I bleed.

iv. unearthliness

My mom told me not to walk naked in front of the altar. Disrespectful, she called it, and even though I agree, sometimes I test my divinity and emerge from the bathroom, the steam from the shower wafting off smoke like the incense in its pot. Young god, skin tinted green from fake gold. Young god, empty stomach, fruit scooped out of its rind, leaving me seedless. This hatred has roots, and I don’t know whether I want to dig out my insides with my hands or fill myself up until I’m close to bursting. I let people think the scratches on my knees are from a night of alcohol and a boy tugging my hair. Of course, it’s that and not child worship on a scratchy rug, not begging for forgiveness, not praying for glamour and glory, not hoping for. Of course it’s not hoping for something better.

—  this pain lasts in every location
CD 26 / 8 DPO

My abdomen doesn’t hurt anymore, thankfully. This morning my lower back hurts and I have no appetite.

I feel crazy. I feel like my brain is sabotaging the rest of me into thinking I’m pregnant (hysterical pregnancy?) but.. what if I am. That would be amazing. I don’t think I can test for another few days and am going to try to hold off as long as possible.

Spider-man is a bit consumed with job stuff, so when I talk about maybe baby, I’m not sure that he really hears me. Or he doesn’t want to get his hopes up, which is fair.

37. I had a dream about you.

Bucky Barnes was avoiding you.

He wasn’t even doing a good job of hiding it. He would see you walk into a room or something and then look like a deer caught in headlights. Bucky would scamper off leaving you to wonder what the hell was going on.

It had been a few days of this happening when you felt like you couldn’t take it anymore.

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Sometimes I think pregnancy is magic or something because I really can’t even fathom what it’s like anymore. Like I used to be able to imagine what my stomach would look like or what it would feel like to look at two pink lines on a test or go to an ultrasound and hear our babies heart beat. And I’m not trying to be negative I just can’t imagine it anymore. My brain can’t grasp the concept. And it hurts and it doesn’t and ugh all the emotions.

Dan x Reader - Request: I Don't Want To Lose You

REQUEST / PROMPT :
Hey can you do an imagine thing where Dan and y/n are fighting one night (idk about cleaning or something) and she leaves but forgets her phone and its middle of winter in london and she gets lost and dan gets worried cause he cant reach her and he goes out and finds her sitting on a bench shivering
(requester wanted name to be private)

Dan x Reader
I Don’t Want To Lose You

Y/N’s POV
The past few days have been weird, Dan’s been acting really far away mentally and is really quiet. Not only that, he’s acting like he doesn’t to be around me anymore. We’ve been friends for around one year and just started dating 5 months ago, but as of now there was no explanation to why he was like this. We’ve never had any big fight or argument, but now I’m afraid this will be it. Dan hadn’t even been mean or aggressive, not even passive, but his guarded nature was seriously confusing me. While his current behavior may have been a little rude, I know it wasn’t intentional. But seriously what was bringing it on? We haven’t had any disagreements, nothing had happened, and I don’t think I’ve done anything. So what was it?
I was sitting on the couch and Dan was on the Mac Desktop sitting at the table. He was quiet but it didn’t seem like anything was wrong, so I decided to ask if he wanted to go to dinner with some friends, as we got an invite earlier today.

“Dan?” I asked and he took off his headphones to turn to me.
“Uh yeah?” Dan spoke neutrally, although he sounded a bit down.
“Do you want to go to dinner with Jack, Anna and you know, our other friends some time?” I spoke, trying to sound peppy at the end.
But Dan wasn’t haven’t it and instead just shrugged.
“I don’t know.” He mumbled.
“Alright well do you wanna do anything this week?” I said but Dan just remained silent and went straight back to the desktop screen.
“Dan are you mad at me?” I asked calmly.
“What? No why would you think that?” Dan said quietly, but his demeanor was suddenly getting defensive.
“I don’t maybe because you’ve been ignoring for the past week.” I spat out but apparently Dan had wanted to retort. He shouldn’t be the one getting defensive.
“I’ve just been busy alright?” Dan said groaning. Okay this was it, now I really need to know why he’s being such a prick.
“Okay fine, but that doesn’t make up for how you’ve barely spoken to me– and acted so distant—-do you even want me here?” I said with my voice slightly shouting.
“Oi, okay of course I want you here. But I have a lot of work to do, and stop assuming things. It’s like your putting words in my mouth.” Dan sassily said back.
“Well, there’s no words to put in your mouth… Since you barely speak to me.”
I said bitterly.
“Whatever.” Dan said as if he was annoyed. Like he should be the annoyed one.
“Dan honestly why are you acting like this?” My voice was breaking now but Dan didn’t even notice, probably didn’t even noticed my runny eyes. No response.
“You know what, I’m going to get some fresh air.” I said running out instantly grabbing my coat and bag and rushing outside.

I didn’t even stop to check before I reached the shops just around the flat and sat down on a bench. My eyes wearing already tearing up, my mouth quivering and mind questioning everything. I turned to my bag to open and grab my phone to ring a friend, but my phone was nowhere in my bag. Shoot. I freaking left my phone in the flat. It’s 10PM in London, winter is nearly in full swing and here I am looking like a mess, with my mascara running and no phone. It’s too early to go back and Dan should think about what he’s done, so I guess I’ll sit out here like a mess for a little while longer.

Dan’s POV
After procrastinating the inevitable fact that y/n was nowhere to be heard from, and now hasn’t come back for at least 20 minutes. I’m freaking worried. When she left I didn’t even bother to look at her, I was too busy being a twat. But I could’ve sworn her voice broke slightly before she ran out. Why did I do this? It’s winter and now y/n is all alone in the middle of Islington, thanks to me pushing her away. I texted her earlier to know avail, and it’s 15 minutes now. Okay Dan, it’s fine maybe she’s just not answering text. Call her. I do and pace around the flat worriedly, wait what’s that noise? It’s a vibration ringtone, except it’s buzzing from y/n’s phone. I look the table in the hallway, y/n forgot her phone. My girlfriend’s gone and left her phone, how am I meant to reach her? Is she alright? What have I’ve done? I instantly put on some jeans, grab my winter coat and head out into the brisk cold winter wind of London. I have two thoughts in my mind pushing pass all the other unimportant and annoying ones. Where the hell is my girlfriend and is she okay? Bloody hell, I hope she’s alright. I rush down the back of our street calling out her name.

“y/n!” I shout multiple times waking up and down the street. “y/n! Where are you?” I say, but my only response is a dog bark. Okay maybe she headed to Starbucks, no they’re closed now. Wait a minute, everything’s closed now. y/n is alone and everything is closed. Where would she go, where could she go? I walk to the front of our street turning left to where all the shops, restaurants and pubs are. I see a couple of men, a group of friends, a couple, and a waitress getting off from her shift. But no y/n. I walk around more worriedly calling out her name, and then see a tree with a bench with someone sitting on it. y/n. Oh my god it’s y/n, she’s okay. I instantly run over to her and accidentally startle her.

"Dan! What the he–“ y/n shouts as she turns around to see my tall figure. Great job Dan. She’s scared at first, but once she realized it was me she just looks tired and annoyed. I don’t blame her really.
“Sorry.” I said empathically looking at her under the streetlight. Her hair is messy, and her eyes are red, it looks like she’s just been crying. I made her cry. I hurt her.
“What are you doing here?” y/n’s voice shakes brokenly, while her frail body scoots around shivering. She must be freezing.
“y/n…” I say sadly, ashamed in myself.
“What do you want Dan?” She says distantly. Even in the combo of bad moon and street lighting, y/n manages to look beautiful.
“I’m sorry. I know I’ve been acting so weird these past couple of days. This whole week basically. It’s just– I’ve been so paranoid.” I say while y/n looks up at me still shaking from cold, Dan give her your bloody jacket.
“Here, you’re freezing. Wear mine.” y/n motions a decline, but accepts it once I drape it over her cold body. I sit myself down beside her on the chilly bench. A few moments of silence passes by before y/n speaks up.

“Paranoid about what?” Her voice asks quietly.
“Well many things really. Life. Oh yes, another existential episode with Dan.” I say trying to lighten the mood, but y/n just sighs bittersweetly. Way to go Dan, just go on and continue to explain yourself.
“Once I was thinking about that, I was thinking about you and how it’d affect you and our relationship. I began to get so worried and caught up in my mess of a brain. So, I thought I’d distant myself so you wouldn’t get hurt.” I say sighing and now sitting considerably closer to her.
All y/n could mutter was a why and I was quick to answer hopeful to make up for my empty replies this whole week.
“I was scared that you wouldn’t want to be with me anymore. I don’t even know why you like me in the first place, you can surely do better I’m such a mess.” I confessed to y/n truthfully, while her face remained grim and she gulped.
“Why would you think that?” y/n put her cold hands to the sides of my face, staring at me intently.
“Self crippling doubt.” I muttered looking down, it was true.
“Dan…” y/n said sadly, probably pitying me.
“I know I’ve been treating you awful lately, pushing you away, being distant, it’s just I’m not good enough for you. I’m so sorry y/n.” I told her sincerely.
“Dan, I love you for you. Don’t think you’re not good enough, because that’s not true.”
y/n said sweet as she was.
“Yes it is, you’re wonderful and amazing. You put up with me.” I said slightly chuckling.
“It’s alright, you just need to tell me these things. Bottling them up doesn’t do any good, but at least you’re not rude about it. Just distant.” y/n flashed a small giggle back laughing at my dumbness, at least she can laugh about it. “You dork.” She muttered. I just nodded nervously scratching my head trying to fix my fringe.
“But seriously stop it.” y/n said pointing her index finger act me serious and strict.
“I know I’m so stupid. I truly am sorry y/n.” I apologized, she needed to understand how truly bad I felt.
“It’s okay Dan, I forgive you.” y/n whispered back in my ear.
I instantly pulled her in a tight hug, and ran my fingers on her smooth skin and through her pretty hair. She was so soft and she felt so nice. I missed her so much.
“I don’t ever want to loose you. I can’t loose you like I just did.” I said choking on my words before y/n cut me off with a kiss.
“Don’t worry you won’t.” My lips touched hers once again. Finally.

Broken Promises

Isaac X Reader

Smut or fluff 

Word count: 2.8k 

Summary: He is always breaking his promises.

Here you were again with no one by your side, her promised he was not going to do it again, he said that he would be with you, he said that it would kill him to not be with you. It was all a lie, thinking he would change but you being the a gentle soul you believed him and the sad thing was; you loved him. Thinking on the time he made you that promise;

You have been best friends with Isaac since you could remember, you have always been there for him; when his mother and brother died, to his father’s abuse and then when Derek turned him, he started not coming to school, only a text from him once a week at most but he was your best friend you weren’t going to leave him but after he left you behind Scott had convinced you that you were the only person that can bring Isaac to his senses.

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Supernatural is not about romance, only… IT REALLY IS!

I don’t know if someone has already talked about this, but I haven’t read anything similar to what I have to say, so I’ll give it a try.

This morning I was thinking about the show, about Dean and Cas to be more specific (I do that a lot!), and suddenly I wondered: Why is the word “LOVE” being used so much? I have made some connections and, of course, I can be mistaken, but I want to share them with you all.

Do you remember the conversation between the fake Ezekiel and Dean in 9x02?

Zeke!Sam: You were protecting your brother. I am in Sam’s head. Everything he knows, I know. And I know that what you did, you did out of love.

Dean: Yeah, uh, look, Zeke—I’m gonna call you Zeke—I’m not really with the whole, uh, love, and… love.

A lot has been said about why Dean mentioned the word “love” twice. When Zeke said love, he was obviously talking about the love Dean has for Sam, but Dean said “love and… love.” The first one is Sam. Who is the second one? That question matches pretty well the so obviously repeated line “WHO DO YOU LOVE?” in the opening song for season 9 (x). We already know who the first love for Dean is (Sammy), but “who do you love,” Dean Winchester? Who’s the second love in your life?

Then in the season 9 finale, Metatron said this:

“This is a story, […] a marvelous story, full of love and heartbreak and… love.”

Dean and Metatron made the exact same pause “and… love”. The phrase was mentioned again, but this time there was an additional word: “heartbreak”. That might mean nothing, except… if we pay attention to the chorus of the season 10 opening song, we get this:

“YOU’RE A HEARTBREAKER, DREAM MAKER, LOVE TAKER” (x)

So… in 9x23, Metatron made a connection to the “love and… love” said by Dean and added “heartbreak” to it, and in 10x01, we hear “heartbreaker, dream maker, love taker.” Not only did we get the heartbreaker (who is obviously Dean because the season opening songs are always describing Dean somehow), but we also got another two additional phrases “dream maker” and “love taker.” And in the same episode, we got Castiel saying this:

“Not all bad comes from it – art, hope, LOVE, DREAMS.”

Thus, in the season 10 premiere we got the “dream maker, love taker” and suddenly, we also got someone who mentioned dreams and love… someone who is not supposed to experience those emotions because they are “human things.” And what’s the most interesting part? After Cas said dreams, we immediately got Dean’s face on our screen.  

FULL CYCLE. We started with Dean and went back to him.

In case we were not sure the “dream” reference was totally about Castiel, in episode 10x02 we got a little girl asking him, “Did you have a good dream?” Two episodes in a row using the word “dream” around Cas when we know there’s a “heart breaker, dream maker, love taker” somewhere. How much more obvious can they get? And of course, Cas answered that he can’t dream, because of course he can’t. The kind of dreams he has, the kind of dreams (hope and love) someone has awaken in him are human emotions given to him by a human. “He’s in love… with humanity” as Metatron would say. Though Metatron himself later corrected this and said that everything Cas did was “about saving one human”, “to save Dean Winchester.” That’s not even subtext! All that is canon!

In case we were not sure the “heartbreaker” reference was totally about Dean, also in episode 10x02 we got a brokenhearted Crowley looking at his selfie with Dean while a song is playing. What does the song say?

“Hey there lonely girl, lonely girl, let me make your BROKEN HEART like new.” (x) I don’t even think I need to explain this anymore. It’s so obvious it really hurts my brain.

What can we expect from now on?

Well, we already know Dean needs Castiel (season 8 established that very clearly with all the I need you’s we got from Dean). Now we are learning what kind of love Cas has for Dean (clue… “He’s in love”). We just need Dean to reciprocate, to be the “love taker.” I’m just going to add here the definition of taker: “Someone who takes or receives something; someone who accepts an offer.” That means Dean-many-issues-I-hate-myself-Winchester might at some point take, receive, accept love that is being offered to him. Who is the one feeling/offering that love? I think that everybody and their mother knows that it’s a certain angel of the Lord.

I’m completely sure that Dean and Castiel are endgame. The Carver era made us a promise since season 8. We just need to be patient. What was the promise? Go back to episode 8x07 and listen to the song playing when Dean was driving and saw Cas for the first time in season 8 (not in a flashback but the real Cas, walking on the side of the road). When you rewatch that part, you will hear this:

“We gotta get out of this place if it’s the last thing we ever do. We gotta get out of this place… Girl, there’s a better life for me and you.” (x)

So… if it’s the last thing they EVER do, I’m sure there’s a better life for Dean and Cas somewhere down the road. That’s their endgame. That’s the promise we were given a long time ago. It might take a couple more seasons, I don’t know, but I’m sure we’re heading somewhere.

Depression is terrible tonight. I don’t want to fight anymore. There’s no point. I’m fighting so hard and I always go downhill when I think I’m actually managing. I’m tired of this cycle and I don’t want to do it anymore. I don’t want to try new meds. I don’t want to keep taking current meds if I continue to feel this way. I don’t want to pretend I’m ok just because the people around me don’t care enough. I’m going to try to sleep this off now because my brain hurts and I don’t want to hurt myself or anything else.

HLWILY Series Extra: 'Come Home'

An extra to the: HLWILY Series

No visuals. 

Song: Come Home- OneRepublic & Sara Bareilles 

“Did you have a good time, Dad?” Harry stowed his bags away and sank down across from his father in the plush leather seat. He could hear the engine of the small plane rumble to life behind him. He slunk back, his eyes heavy and limbs still thrumming. His ears felt like they were underwater. Each hurried thud of his now calming heartbeat brought with it the flavor of the night. Last show of the tour. Every endpoint of skin was tingling, his vision dancing with blots of color as he slowly came back down to a gentle rest. He’d be useless tomorrow, when this delicious high wore away. 

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No one ever said being a demigod was easy. In fact, no one had said that. Ever. Not once in the history of forever had anyone looked to their comrades and proudly proclaimed: “Gee guys, I sure do love being the bastard child of an Olympian God and a mortal. It sure is the good life being chased and hunted and targeted! Mortal peril really ruffles my jollies, hur hur, this is it, mates, this is the good life!”

At least Percy was pretty sure that had never happened. HE certainly hadn’t said anything of the sort. Probably…had he? Anyway, it didn’t matter. The point was, THE POINT WAS,

“Telekhines. Telekhines are my point.” Percy pointed dramatically at Jason with the hand that wasn’t holding his 5th (6th? 8th? who was counting anymore, anyway) bottle.

“…type of fish?” Jason slurred, equally intoxicated, and not really following.

“No no no,” Percy waved his arms, “"S a mammal, your ACTUAL mammal. Difference is, difference is they…uhm…”

“Mate out of water?” Jason supplied.

“Don’t think so, that’s not it. No. Gross. No.  Something about their young. Whatever, they’re monsters, my point is, my point IS their brains.”

He reached for another bottle.

“What about their brains?” said Jason, reaching for the same.

“Big brains. That’s my point. Size of…size of…size of fucking HUGE brains, dude. And then there’s, like, hippocampis, ok? Brain city, take it from me! Whole damn SEA full of brains.”

“Kraken?” Jason took a big gulp.

Percy blinked, “Uh?”

“Great big fucker, sleepeth beneath the deeps or whatever. I read somewhere, he’s supposed to, like, come to the surface when the sea boils or something.”

“Yeah?”

“Fact.”

“There you are then. Wait, no, wait, I met a kraken once.”
“No you didn’t.”
“Did too, did too! They build nests.”

“That’s birds.”
“No, no, they totally build nests.”

“Huh, is that right?”
“Crazy world, dude, crazy-”

“So what’re you getting at with the tele- telikinn- telepho- the seal things. What’s your point?”

“Right! Fuck, what was my…right ok, no,” Percy hiccuped and cured it with another deep gulp of whatever was in the bottle, he wasn’t really tasting it anymore, “My point is that all these stupid monsters they got BIG BRAINS RIGHT, and then here’s us-”

“Here here!”
“-here’s us, fightin’ them, getting killed and hurt and all this other dumb shit and like, for what, right?”
“To…not die? I think. I think that’s why we do it.”
“Yeah but WHY. If they’re so smart why can’t they just. Just not? Why do we always gotta go and, and kill ‘em? I mean I went to Tartarus-”
“Sorry about that-”
“-not your fault. Anyway, while I was down there, right, saw all these monster hatching out of Tartarus’s weird zit pods-”

“Nuh-uh, that’s how monsters are made?”

“Seriously dude, it’s sick, anyway-”

“Gross.”

“Right. Anyway. What’s the point of killin’ 'em, and shit, when I mean we could all be working…working TOGETHER right or…not killin’ EACH OTHER is what I’m saying.”
“Nico.” Jason muttered and Percy squinted at him.

“Huh?”
“Nico. Son of Hades, skinny guy-”
“I know who Nico is, what about him?”

“He’s really, you know, big brain and stuff.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah, asshole.” Jason glared, “But he, he you know, he fights us too sometimes.”
“Sometimes, yeah. I think that’s my fault, kind of.”
“Probably.” Jason finished off his bottle.

“The fuck do you mean probably? You know what, this has nothing to do with-”

“Big brains. We- you and me-” Jason gestured between them, “We’re kinda fuckin’ stupid, Perce.”

“Huh? What, us? Naaaaaaaaaah man, nah, we’re-”

“Dude no. We’re fucking. We’re like rocks with swords. We’d be so. So useless without the girls.”
Percy considered this, “Yeah I guess.”

“They have big brains too.”
“The biggest.”
“But they’re stuck with us.”
“We’re not that bad, dude, I mean we got. We got…” Percy struggled for a word. What had they got? “We got…more beer.”
“YEAH.” Jason cheered, completely forgetting the point he was making earlier, “Yeah we do. Dude. Dude. We should…you know what we should do?”
“No. Yes. What?”  Percy looked at Jason, who beamed at him.

“We gotta go, we gotta go tell everyone how much we love 'em.”
“Dude that sounds-”
“Dude no! Nico, right, it’s about 'preciating our friends and what we got.”

“Nico?”

“Yeah he- he doesn’t feel loved by us.”
“Ah, what?” Percy stood up, “No, dude, no, I love the SHIT out of Nico.”
“Same bro! And like…like Leo!”
“Fuck yeah Leo!”
“YEAH!”

“OK you’re- yeah. You’re right ok. Hold on, I gotta. I’m gonna get some more booze. We’ll share. It’ll be so great just you see ok let’s do this.”

“We got big brains, too dude.” Jason threw his arm around Percy’s shoulder as they stumbled toward the door. 

“Yeah dude. And big balls, ahaha!”

“Shit yeah, dude. Hell yeah.”
“Hell yeah.” They tried to fist bump but missed and dissolved into a mass of giggles.

It wasn’t easy being a demigod.

Sweaters~ A Larry Stylinson AU.

Basically

Louis is always forgetting his sweater.

Harry is always there to warm him up.

Harry falls asleep sometimes

And Louis always lets him.

(OR. Louis and Harry are childhood best friends who fall in love with each other despite the others disorders, and despite the fact that one of them comes to term with their sexuality a little quicker then the other)

-

Harry is six years old and sitting on his front porch. It’s cold outside and the rain had just stopped, typical London weather. He’s sitting on the porch swing with his little hands wrapped around a juice box. His hair is much too long, curls falling all over his face. He has three layers on; the product of an over protective mother. His long sleeved shirt, his hoodie, and his sweater. All just because he absolutely had to drink his juice outside, and watch the new people next door carry boxes into their house.

“What are you looking at?”

Harry is suddenly aware of another boy, who looks a little older then him, standing at the end of his driveway. He’s wearing a short sleeved shirt and has his arms crossed over his chest, brow furrowed.

“I’m watching ya move in,” Harry shrugged.

“Why are you doing that?”

“Dunno,” Harry said, stepping off the swing, a wobble in his step and walking over to Louis. “My name’s Harry Edward Style. You’re my neighbor.”

“I’m Louis. I’m in grade three,” the boy, Louis says, less snappy then before.

“I’m just in grade one, but me mummy says I’m really very much mature for my age,” Harry says. Louis is taller then Harry, and thinner too. Harry is chubby and small, but it’s mostly just baby fat.

Louis also has brown fringe by his forehead, and bright blue eyes.

“I’m sure you’re very mature,” Louis replies sarcastically.

“Well. I’m mature enough that I know that you should not be in this weather with not a coat on,” Harry says, words rushed.

“I know. I moved from Doncaster to Florida. Florida is in the United States of America. In case you didn’t know. Well anyways, in Florida, the weather is warm. I don’t have a sweater right now. My mum has to go shopping,” Louis explained.

Harry nodded understandingly and slid off his outermost layer, his sweater and handed it to Louis.

Louis shook his head but Harry persisted until Louis had the sweater in his arms. Louis looked at Harry dumbly and slid on the sweater. “Well thanks Harry,” Louis smiled softly.

“I don’t have a lot of friends,” Harry frowned.

“Well, I’m too old to be your friend Harry,” Louis said.

“Oh. Alright,” Harry frowned, looking up at Louis with sad, watery green eyes. Louis quickly wrapped his arms around Harry, the way he hugged his little sisters when they cried. Harry circled his arms tightly around Louis’ waist and squeezed him.

“It’s okay Harry. Don’t cry. I’ll be your friend.”

And that was where it all began.

-

Louis and Harry became inseparable after that. Louis became Harry’s body guard of sorts. Harry was a sensitive kid, shy and reserved, and he was bullied for it. Kids didn’t understand why Harry didn’t talk much. Harry only really talked to his mum and Louis.

Louis walked Harry to the bus and sat with him always. After school Louis had footie practice, so Harry rode home alone. Sometime the kids picked on him, and he’d go home crying. On these days, Louis would go to Harry’s house and go up to his room, he’d wrap his arms around the smaller boy tightly and just gently coddle him until Harry felt like talking. After Harry was feeling better, he’d listen as Louis talked about his day. Harry was still a little kid, and his favorite thing to do was ask Louis pointless questions. That was okay though, because Louis loved to talk.

“How was footie?” Harry asked.

“It went well.”

“Are you any good?”

“I’d like to think so.”

“Are the kids nice to you?”

“Yeah they are.”

“Why aren’t kids nice to me?”

“Because you don’t talk to them.”

“Why are you nice to me?”

“Because you’re lovely Harry.”

“Louis?”

“Yes?”

“Can you teach me to play footie?”

“Yes Harry. I can.”

-

By the time Harry was in fifth grade, and Louis was in seventh, Harry was on the junior varsity footie team. Louis was on varsity. Harry’s team mates picked on him still, because he was different. He was quiet. He wore flowers in his hair. He had big sweaters that looked like dresses on him, and he wore them all the time without shame. Harry also wasnt very good at footie, but whenever Harry asked, Louis always answered the same.

“You’re the best on the team Harry.”

And that was that.

Because Harry believed anything Louis told him. Louis was his best mate.

One day, while they were walking to Louis house from the bus, Harry silently handed Louis his extra sweater. Louis was forgetful, and he often rushed out of the house without a proper jacket. Harry was the opposite, even on warm days he was wearing multiple layers. His mum says its cause he’s small, and he gets cold very easily. She says he’ll grow out of it. Harry isn’t so sure. He’s been as tall as Louis for a while now, but he still gets cold all the time. Even though Harry gets cold, he always gives Louis his extra sweater. Because Harry liked the way Louis smiled gratefully. He thought maybe if he couldn’t do much for Louis, the least he could do is help keep him warm.

“Wanna play for a bit?” Louis asked.

Harry nodded.

The two headed to Louis’ backyard and kicked the ball around for a bit. Louis always let Harry win. Harry never caught on that Louis wasn’t doing his best.

“Louis. I’m winning,” he’d smile.

“Well duh,” Louis would fake mock.

“Why duh?”

“Because Harry. You’re the best on the team.”

And that was that

-

In eighth grade Louis gets diagnosed with ADHD and ADD. He had to take two pills every morning, and a pill at night that helps him relax and sleep. Harry cries for a long time, because he’s only in sixth grade and doesn’t understand.

“Are you going to die?” Harry asked.

He was in a tent on Louis’ bedroom floor. Louis had just gotten back from the kitchen, where his mum had called him to come take his night time medicine.

“Of course not. Don’t be silly.”

“Does it hurt?”

“No. It’s not physical Harry. It helps my brain. Helps me focus and relax.”

“I think you were just fine before.”

“Well obviously I wasn’t,” Louis snaps.

They don’t cuddle much anymore, because Louis’ getting too old. He’s fourteen now. Harry is twelve. The boys are in the tent in separate sleeping bags, having a usual Friday night sleepover.

“I think you’d be perfect no matter what any doctor said.”

“No body is perfect.”

“You are.” Louis doesn’t say anything. Harry has always been like that. Fond and sentimental, always open about it. He never hides his feelings or emotions. Louis just unzips his sleeping bag and climbs into Harry’s. Harry wraps his arms around Louis tightly, because Louis really doesn’t like to snuggle much anymore, so whenever he does, Harry takes advantage.

“I’m not gonna die,” Louis assures him, going back to the original question.

“Of course.” Harry agrees.

“I’m sorry I snapped,” Louis sighs, arms secure around Harry.

“It’s okay. We’re okay. And…You’re gonna be okay too.”

-

Harry goes to Louis graduation. Louis doesn’t act like himself though. He ignores Harry in favor of his friends. He doesn’t explain to Harry the inside jokes his friends laugh at, or answer Harry’s questions.

“Are you excited for high school?” No reply.

“Louis do you want to come over?” No reply.

“Louis what are you all laughing at?” No reply.

Louis feels bad, he really does, and even though Harry will always be his best friend, there are times when Louis has to choose others before Harry. Because Harry is younger. Harry is only in sixth grade, and Louis is going into high school. Eventually Harry leaves the circle of people and goes to his mum, telling her he’s tired and wants to go home.

“You’re tired again?” Anne frowns.

Harry nods and waves at Jay.

Anne frowns and grabs Harry’s hand, saying goodbye to Louis mum, Jay, and leading her son to the car.

“We need to go to the doctor.”

“Why mum?”

“Because harry, you’re a little boy and you’re always tired.”

“Okay.”

“Did something happen with Louis?”

“I don’t think we’re friends anymore mum.”

But before Anne can respond, Harry’s head is against the window in the back seat, and his eyes are closed.

-

“Harry I said I’m sorry.”

“Go away Lou.”

“Come on Harry. I can’t believe you’re mad at me for this!” Louis is banging on Harry’s bedroom door. Harry’s door doesn’t have a lock on it, but Harry Is on the other side holding it shut. Louis knows he could easily open it and over power Harry. He doesn’t want to though. He wants Harry to open it all on his own.

“Harry please let me in.”

Harry lets him in. Because he can never say no to Louis. Louis walks in, and he’s wearing one of Harry’s sweater. Harry stares at the sweater a little too long, and Louis feels the need to explain, “I missed you. You haven’t talked to me in a week.”

“I’m sorry Louis. I thought we weren’t friends.”

“Why on earth would you think something like that Harry?” Louis frowned, and hugged Harry tightly.

“Because you have new friends.” Harry wrapped his arms around Louis tightly and hugged him close. He began crying, because he couldn’t believe Louis was here. He thought Louis hated him. “Don’t cry Harry.”

“When you go to high school, you’re not going to want to hug a baby like me anymore.”

“You’re wrong Harry. I’m always going to hug you. Very tightly. Always. Because you’re my little buddy Harry. You’re my neighbor and my best friend. I love you lots,” then Louis pulled away and sat on the bed. Harry sits down beside him.

“Louis?”

“Yes Harry?”

“I’m going to quit footie.”

“Why?”

“Too rough. The kids hurt me.”

“On purpose?”

“I don’t think so.”

“Oh alright.”

“When they bump into me it hurts.”

“It doesn’t hurt me.”

“Maybe that’s because you’re stronger.”

“Maybe.”

“Are you upset I’m quitting?”

“No. Whatever makes you happy.”

“Louis. You make me happy.”

“Thank you. You make me happy too.”

Harry lays down on the bed and falls asleep, and it worries Louis, because usually Harry has trouble sleeping. When Louis leaves, he pulls on a different one of Harry’s sweater, leaving the one he brought with him on Harry’s bed. Harry likes when things smell like Louis. On the way out, Harry mum tells Louis “don’t worry honey. He’s just felt over tired lately.”

“Is he okay?”

“He’s going to be just fine.” She smiled.

And that was that. -

“Fibromyalgia,” Harry is crying in his closet. Louis is on the floor across from him. Harry has his arms wrapped around himself. It’s the day before the forth of July. June was a bad month for Harry and Louis. Harry had to have constant tests at the hospital, going in once a week while they tested him for different things.

Louis just missed his best friend. Louis also hated seeing Harry so sad and scared.

“Maybe I have ADHD too,” Harry has suggested once.

“Maybe,” Louis agreed, but he knew he didn’t.

Today, the results were in, and Harry was diagnosed. He would have to start taking pills, but they would only help a bit. “What does Fibromyalgia do?” Louis frowned, scared for Harry. That sounded serious, and Louis hated it.

“It makes me tired all the time. And it’s the reason I always feel cold. It’s also supposed to make me depressed, which means I’m sad all the time,” Harry explained, trying his best to remember every symptom his mum had explained to him, but their were just so many, and Harry couldn’t remember them all, “It’s why in footie, when the kids bumped into me, it hurt so much. Because my body is fragile. I have achy bones. And sometimes they are going to hurt no matter what I do, but getting bumped into will only hurt them more.”

Louis nodded, because all of that made sense to him. Harry had always acted like that. He never thought it was a problem though. Recently Harry had become more tired though, so maybe that was a problem. Louis frowned and opened his arms and spread his legs, so Harry could crawl in between them. Louis hugged him tightly and whispered, “But you aren’t going to die, right?”

“No. The doctor said I won’t die.”

“Then this will be fine Harry. Everything will be great still.”

“Louis. I’m messed up.”

“So am I.”

“I think this is a bit more serious than ADHD.”

“Yes I agree, but you’re not alone here Harry. I’m on your side.”

Harry didn’t respond, and when Louis looked down, Harry was fast asleep in his arms. Louis began to cry, because this is what it would be like from now on between them. Harry would always be falling asleep, or be hurt, or feel cold, or feel sad, or feel sick. And it made Louis feel overwhelmed that he couldn’t do anything about it.

Anne came in that night and found them hidden in the closet together.

Something she would later find extremely ironic.

-

It isn’t as bad as they thought. Some days are really good, and some days are bad. For both boys. Some days Louis is being too aggressive or loud or impatient, and they can’t hang out. Some days Harry just feels tired or sad or sick, and they can’t hang out. Their syndromes cause them both problems, and their friendship is always a struggle, but they promise to never give up on each other, because best mates don’t give up on each other.

The summer is still good though.

They play footie, and Louis is extra gentle. Still let’s Harry win. Still tells Harry that even though he quit, he is the best on the team. Louis never pushes Harry or kicks the ball too hard. Harry is like glass now, and Louis is very careful with him. The way he is careful with his baby sisters.

They go to the beach with their families. Louis loves the water, he is so happy to swim. Harry and he play in the water for about an hour, before the waves begin to hurt Harry’s arms, and Harry has to get out. Of course, Louis gets out as well, and they lay on towels to dry off. Harry climbs on top of Harry and they lay together chest to chest. Harry falls asleep on Louis. Louis doesn’t mind. Though he can tell this image must appear strange to the others at the beach, he doesn’t care. He just wraps his arms tightly around Harry and naps as well.

Harry cries a lot about Louis going to High School, and every time Louis hushes him and promises that they will only be apart for two years before Harry is back in the same school as him. He talks and talks for hours and hours about good ways to try to make friends, to try to be social. Harry just disagrees, because, “those kids are mean, and besides, all I need is you Louis." 

-

On the first day of High School, Louis wakes up early, and he walks Harry to the bus, the way he has for the past six years. It feels strange to watch Harry. He’s biting his finger and tears on his face. It’s warm outside but Harry has three layers of sweaters on, to keep him warm. Harry has a flower tucked behind his ear and he gets on the bus, waving as he leaves Louis behind. 

Louis had never felt so sad in his life.

-

At school Louis makes new friends, and becomes good mates with his footie buddies. Josh, Niall, Zayn, Ashton, Calum, Stan, Michael, Luke, Ed, and Liam are his closet friends and are all his friends on his team. Harry doesn’t like hanging out with Louis when he’s with his friends. They are loud and rough, and so is Louis. Louis forgets he has to be careful with Harry when he’s around his school mates. He forgets to treat Harry like he’s fragile. Harry usually just goes home to sleep, and Louis feels horrible about that.

-

Louis learns about sexuality at school. Learns that some boys date boys. Some girls date girls. He learns this because his friend Zayn’s sister is dating another girl. After he finds this out, Zayn explains the entire concept of homosexuality to him. Louis gets anxious then, because he’s never had a crush on a girl before. The only person he has ever found cute is Harry. Harry is a boy. And then Louis is scared that maybe he’s gay.

Louis tells Harry about how some boys like boys, and Harry nods, because he already knew, and he had always figured Louis knew too. Harry just nods and asks questions, because he wants Louis to feel smart. Louis is older, and Harry thinks it might embarrass Louis to know that Harry knew about gay people before him. 

"I think I might be gay actually,” Harry says after their talk. They are laying on Harry’s bed, and Louis is in Harry’s sweater (as usual). 

“Why?” Louis asked, brow furrowed.

“I just think I may like blokes is all. Never been fond of girls.”

After Louis leaves, he cried in the bath tub at his home, because he doesn’t want Harry to be gay. He also doesn’t want to be gay. Because if they are both gay, then maybe they are more then best mates, and that thought scared Louis to death.

So Louis does what any boy afraid of his sexuality does.

He gets a girlfriend.

-

“Her name is Eleanor. She has brown curly hair, and pretty brown eyes. She is in art club and she likes fashion. She always smells nice. I like her because she is funny and nice,” Louis explains to Harry the second Harry opens his front door. Harry is confused at first, until he realized Louis is talking about a girlfriend.

“Okay.” Is all Harry says.

Louis breathes a breath of relief.

They go to Harry’s couch and play video games.

And that’s that. 

-

Louis tells Harry they have to stop cuddling. He says he can only do that with Eleanor now. When Harry starts crying, he doesn’t hug him. Instead he tries to explain, “Eleanor is jealous. I’m sorry. She’s a jealous person Harry. I have to do what she says.”

“Why do you have to do what she says?” Harry doesn’t understand.

“I love her.”

Harry kicks Louis out of the house and cries in his room, when his mom comes in, he tells her that he thinks he is in love with Louis. Anne smiles fondly and explains she suspected this all along. Harry then tells her that Louis loves Eleanor, and that Louis can’t hug or snuggle with him anymore because Eleanor is a jealous kind of girlfriend.

Harry explains he wants to sleep until he is happy.

Anne sighs and lets Harry fall asleep on her lap.

For once, Harry’s ability to sleep all the time comes in handy.

-

The boys don’t talk for months, because Louis is busy and Harry is tired. Harry begins to see a therapist, because his Fibromyalgia makes him sad all the time, and losing his only and best friend just makes it worse. Harry begins taking medication separate from his regular pills. Antidepressants they are called. He is supposed to become happier from them, but he doesn’t. He misses Louis so much.

Eleanor breaks up with Louis on his birthday, Christmas Eve. Louis doesn’t understand her reason, but he also doesn’t really care. He wants to feel more emotions about this. He wants to get sad or angry because he lost a girl he loves. Instead, he realizes, he is sad and angry because he’s stupid, and he lost a boy he loves.

Louis rings Anne and asks for Harry, but Harry is sleeping.

And that’s that.

-

In January Louis waits at the school bus stop. When he sees Harry, there is a flower crown on his head, and Louis wonders when he started wearing those. Harry sees Louis and stops in his tracks, turning around to run home. Louis doesn’t hesitate to chase Harry down, tackling him onto the grass. Louis hold Harry down and kneels on either side of Harry’s thighs.

“Louis,” is all Harry says.

“I’m sorry Harry. I’m so sorry.”

“I don’t want to be your friend anymore.”

“I know you don’t.”

Louis lets Harry go and sits behind him. The bus arrives but Harry doesn’t move. He sits still and misses the bus. The next half an hour is spent with Harry scolding Louis, telling Louis what true friends do and what true friends don’t do. Louis agrees with everything he says, and Louis feels like a very shitty person, and an even shittier friend. 

Louis opens his arms and spreads his legs, because usually Harry would crawl right into his arms and snuggle him. Harry doesn’t, instead he flinches and looks confused. “Eleanor and I broke up,” Louis whispers, hoping Harry would understand. 

“Louis. You should know I’m gay.”

“I know you are.”

“You should know I love you.”

“I know you do.”

Louis did know. He had known all along he thinks. He thinks Harry is too young to make up his mind about such things, he is only in seventh grade, but he also feels very happy that Harry is in love with him.

“Do you love me back?” Harry hesitates.

“I love you like a friend,” Louis offers, because he’s not ready to confront his confusion. He’s not ready to make up his mind about this yet. This entire conversation makes him uncomfortable and he feels weird. Feels like he doesn’t belong. But Harry hugs him tightly and kisses Louis’ cheek. Louis hugs him back, and then they go explain to Anne that they made up, and also that Harry missed the bus.

Anne calls Harry in sick and then she calls Jay to tell her about Louis. 

Harry sits on the living room floor with Louis, because Harry’s bones hurt from being wrestled to the ground. Louis can’t stop blabbering apologies, but Harry is nothing but forgiving and pleasant. Anne gives them green tea with sugar, and they sit and sip the hot beverages while Harry fills him in about the last five months they had been without each other. Harry tells him about his new pills, and the woman, Erin Miller, his therapist who he goes to talk to now about his problems. 

“Do you talk about me?” Louis asks.

“I do.”

“Am I a problem?”

“Not anymore.”

Louis shivers, and Harry hands him one of his extra sweaters.

It’s as if nothing had changed at all.

-

On Harry’s birthday, Louis gets him a gift card. It seems like a crummy gift, but it is backed up with bucket loads of meaning. It’s a card with fifty dollars on it, for the flower shop down the street. Louis explains to Harry that now he can go to get flowers for his crowns, and he won’t have to pay his own money for years, because flowers are so cheap, and he gave him so much money.

Harry almost cries at how perfect it is.

-

On Valentines Day, Louis gives Harry a rose. Harry gives Louis chocolate. It’s perfect, because Harry loves flowers and Louis loves sweets.

Later that night, they’re laying on the couch in Louis’ basement.

“I still love you, you know,” Harry whispers.

“I do know.”

“Will you ever love me back?”

“I can’t answer that Harry.”

After a bit, Louis starts to cry, because he knows Harry loves him, but it’s too hard to say it back. Louis wants to throw up because he’s hurting Harry, and he knows he is. Louis feels too much inter turmoil over such a strange subject to him. He doesn’t think he can accept his sexuality, and he’s in denial.

Harry holds him tightly while he cries.

Harry doesn’t question why he’s crying.

And on Monday at school, Louis gets another girlfriend. 

-

Louis has his new girlfriend for the next year, but he handles this one better then he handled it with Eleanor. This time he doesn’t outcast Harry.

Harry starts hanging out with Louis when he’s around his other friends again, because he wants to be more social. He starts high school this year and that scares him a lot. 

Harry always looks sad when Louis puts his arms around his new girlfriend, Jade Thirlwall. But he soldiers through it, and he becomes good friends with Liam Payne and Niall Horan.

Harry doesn’t feel like he fits in with Louis’ whole big group of friends, but when it’s just him and Liam, Niall, and Louis, he feels better.

-

Liam Payne comes out as gay to their entire group in March, and Louis is almost jealous.

-

A year has passed. When Harry graduates eighth grade, he goes out to pizza with Louis, Niall, and Liam. He emotionally sobs to his mates how he is scared of High School, and hopes to have friends as good as Louis’. Louis wraps an arm around Harry when he begins to cry. He does this for two reasons though, the first of course because Harry is crying. The second is because Liam is staring at Harry, and he has been all night. Louis hates it.

In the car, Harry falls asleep on Liam’s shoulder, which makes Louis sad. Because Louis is right here on the other side of Harry, but Harry fell asleep on Liam. 

Louis feels replaced.

This must be how Harry felt around Eleanor.

-

July sixth is a big day for the two of them, because Louis breaks up with Jade, and Harry has his first kiss from a boy (or anyone for that matter).

Big surprise. It’s with Liam Payne.

“I felt like I was floating. Do you feel like that when you kiss Jade?”

Louis shakes his head, because no, he never felt like that.

“Jade and I broke up anyways,” he whispered.

“Oh I’m so sorry Lou.”

“It’s fine. Are you going to like, be Liam’s boyfriend now?”

“I don’t know, maybe.”

That night, Louis cries himself to sleep, shaking and sobbing at the thought that he waited too long. Harry is over him and doesn’t love him anymore. He clutches at his sweater, which is really Harry’s sweater, until his mum comes in and calms him down, tries to ask what’s wrong, but Louis just sobs.

-

The next day is a bad day for Louis. His mum forgot to fill his prescription and now he is out of medication for his ADHD and also for his ADD. He warns Harry of this before he enters the house, Harry of course lets him in anyways. 

“I think Liam is going to ask me out.”

“Really?”

“Yeah.”

“Why?”

“Because he kissed me of course.”

And then Louis does something horrible.

“He wouldn’t want to ask you out Harry.”

“Why not?”

“Because you’re a silly boy who wears flower crowns and you have a stupid disorder that makes you sleep and cold and all you ever do is act emotional and tired. Why would anyone want to date someone like that? Why would anyone want to date someone with Fibromyalgia?” Louis yells.

Harry kicks him out, and Louis deserves it. 

That night Louis stares out his window into Harry’s window, watching Harry cry into his mums arms until his mum closes the blinds and the lights turn off in his room. Louis hopes he fell asleep. Actually, he knows he fell asleep, because Harry can’t help himself when it comes to that. And Louis made Harry feel ashamed of something he can’t control. 

And now Louis just feels ashamed of himself.

-

They don’t talk all month. When Louis goes to Harry’s house to apologize and explain it was his ADHD and jealousy talking, Anne won’t let him in. She says Harry’s not feeling well, but Louis knows that’s a lie. Harry just doesn’t want to see him right now, and Louis can’t even blame him really.

It’s Louis junior year, and Harry’s Freshman year. Louis and Harry sit on opposite ends of the bus, which makes both of them cry. They had both been waiting two years to be able to sit together on the bus again, but now they weren’t talking.

-

Liam does ask Harry out, and Harry says yes.

-

Fall turns to Winter and Louis’ birthday once again lacks Harry’s presence.

Louis and Liam don’t talk anymore.

Harry and Louis don’t talk anymore.

Louis has never hated his ADHD more.

Louis had never hated himself more.

That’s why he starts cutting his wrists.

-

They don’t talk all year, although Louis desperately worries about how Harry’s freshman year is going. It seems to be alright. Sometimes he asks Zayn to ask Liam how Harry is, just so he can make sure Harry is okay. 

Louis begins wearing his own sweaters, because he has to cover up the cuts, and because he no longer has Harry to give him one of his. He sits alone in the back of the bus, and watches Harry with his headphones in, sitting in the front, as far away from him as possible. It’s the worst feeling in the world.

That summer Louis goes to Florida to visit his family there.

Harry and Liam break up, but Louis didn’t know that.

-

When school starts up again, Louis has completely fallen apart. He now accepts his sexuality and knows hes gay. He also knows it’s too late to be with the only boy he thinks he will ever love. 

On the first day of Fall, Harry walks up to Louis in the school parking lot. Harry grabs Louis and he hugs him tightly. Louis just grips Harry for dear life and cries against his shoulder. Harry got bigger, taller. Grew so much. He’s taller then Louis now, but Louis is happy with that, because he needs the comfort. He just mumbles that hes sorry to Harry over and over. 

“I know you are,” Harry whispered.

Harry then takes Louis’ sweater sleeves and pulls them up, revealing his ugly scars. Louis doesn’t flinch away or try to hide them. He has never hidden anything from Harry before. Except maybe love.

“How did you know?” Louis asks in awe.

“You never remembered to grab a sweater. I knew there had to be a reason.”

Louis cries in Harry’s arms again, but Harry just grabs his cheeks in his hands and forces Louis to look at him. 

“I still love you. I never stopped loving you Louis.”

“Harry I’m gay,” was all Louis could choke out through his tears.

“I know.” And of course he did. Harry always knew everything about him.

“Harry I love you.”

“I know that too.”

Harry leans down and kisses Louis deeply, and Harry kisses him back slowly, enjoying it. Wanting the taste of Harry’s lips forever on his tongue. He reaches up and wraps his arms around Harry’s neck, tugs gently at the little curls on the back of Harry’s neck.

“Harry. Will you be my boyfriend?”

“You don’t mind stupid boys with flowers in their hair who sleep all the time?”

“I love stupid boys with flowers in their hair. Especially ones who sleep all the time.”

And that was that. 

anonymous asked:

please write a gendo/fuyutsuki sleepover club fic where gendo lies flat on his back but with a rigid gendo pose saying "lol" to whatever fuyutsuki says. also they sleep in separate sleeping bags and when gendo is asleep fuyutsuki wiggles over and kicks him while whispering "motherfucker" under his breath

MY MY, WHO COULD THIS POSSIBLY BE?? I CERTAINLY HAVE NO IDEA BUT HERE YOU GO ANON, JUST FOR YOU

the image that started it all

Fuyutsuki is a simple guy. He’s nice, as far as crotchety old men go. He doesn’t feel the need to kick puppies, he cleans up after himself, he’s relatively polite.

It’s why everyday he finds himself wondering why on earth he hangs with Gendo Ikari.

Keep reading

You were very unpredictable. One day you were sweet then cold the next. You were like that for a very long time. It wasn’t a simple mood swing. It was more of a mood for I-don’t-like-you-anymore. But I kept holding on and did not even think of giving up. I listened to my heart rather than my brain. I was hurt but I kept on fighting. Until I realized all I wanted was for you to be happy. And so I let go.
Nash Grier (Smut)

Request: Can you make me a Nash Grier smut my name it Julianna
♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡
• Julianna’s POV•
“Babe, my shift is over in about 3 hours I’ll try to get home as soon as possible” I said on the phone before hanging on the phone.
I sigh loudly, closing my eyes. I’m going to be here for the next 3 hours. “You okay, Julianna?” Ashley my co-worker said, rubbing my back in comfort. “No, it just Nash worries about me honestly, I don’t why, do you think he cheating on me because he been asking the whole week when I finish working” I said, rubbing my head that was starting to hurt because of too much thinking and thought going all around my brain.“I don’t think so, he seems a good guy” Ashley shrugged. I nodded in agreement, Nash is actually a good guy, better than my exes, He is always there for me and treats me not like a Princess but a Queen.
“How about you I cover your shift and your home so Nash doesn’t get worried anymore” Ashley said, twirling her chair in circles. “Oh my god, thanks you so much, ” I said, hugging her almost taking oxygen out of her tiny body and rushing to take a cab.
I knock on the door, the doorknob jiggle before opening the door revealing Nash. “What are you doing here?!” He exclaimed, his shot wide open. “This is my Home” I said, sending his puzzled face. “You told me-” I cut him by entering the house. “Are you cheating on me?” I said, putting my hands on my hips. “No baby, ” he shook his head. “Oh really who is these flowers” I raised my eyebrows, he sighs, running his hands into his hair. “Julianna, I just wanted to be special for today, our anniversary” he mumbled, my shot wide open. Holy shit today is our 1 year anniversary and I fucking forgot, what the fuck am I going to say.
“You didn’t forget right ” he said I could hear an upset tone in his voice. “I’m sorry I just, you know I’m so stressed I don’t have to time to look at the clock” I exclaimed.
“It’s okay, baby the only good thing is that you’re here” he said, wrapping his arms around my waist, roaming his hands around my bum before slowly lifting me up, He attached his lip into my mines making me moan how roughly his hands was gripping my bum. “Let’s take this the bedroom” he said, proceeding to the room. I loudly gasp as I saw flowers petals leading to bed and vanilla scented candles. “I was trying to finish, but you came-” I cut him by kissing his lip, leading to a passionate and sensual make out session. He slowly lays me down on the soft mattress, kissing my neck nibbling at my skin, his hands slowly worked on unbuttoning my shirt and sliding down my skirt. “Damn baby you get hotter everyday, ” he said before giving the most passionate kiss. He slips his calloused hands under my panties, spreading the wetness on his fingers then sliding his finger in my wet cunt. “Shit, ” I moan out, he started to pump faster and using his thumb to rub my clit. My thighs shaking as my orgasm was getting closer, screamed in pure pleasure as climaxed.
“Nash I need you to fuck me please” I plead, biting my lips in anticipation at the sight of him gliding down the condom his throbbing veiny cock. He climbs on top of me, running his hard member on my glistening pussy before thrust in. “Fuck, baby girl, ” he moaned. his soft lips latches onto my bruised neck to muffle his moan. He relentlessly thrusted and softly biting into my neck as my fingernails digs into his flesh. My legs bundle up onto his lower back, giving him access so can his length could brush against my g-spot.
He bit his lip concentrating on thrusting my g-spot. Sweat trickling down our boiling body our breath and pants to increase. “I’m about to cum, ” he moaned as his thrust got sloppy, It took a few of his hard thrust for both of us moan in pure bliss as we hit our high.
“Happy Anniversary, Baby I love you, “he said pecking my lip before wrapping his arms around my bare waist and pulling me closer into his damp chest."I love you too, Nash” I responded before I tiredly close my eyes and fall asleep. 
♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡
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REQUEST ARE CLOSE MAMI CHULA

My Loyalty is to Swen.

Ok, so a lot of push and pull going on in the fandom right now. I’m concerned for some of you, I know how much this meant to you and to us. Totally gonna go candid for a minute though.
I don’t think I will continue to watch ouat. I knew swanqueen was never gonna happen. It’s way too good of a story, and even if they did tell it, they would butcher the shit out of it. So here’s my reasons.
I’m not going to watch ouat anymore because I genuinely loved the characters. Emma, Regina, snow and charming, belle and rumple etc. It was an interesting show that laid out a process of magic built upon stories we were all familiar with. The storybrooke arc gave a whole new page in these characters. It flipped back and forth between lives and painted a complex but understandable storyline.
I haven’t seen anything resembling that show since the frozen storyline. I hung in there. I supported the down episodes and kept my hopes up that it would pull itself up and be the story telling we had come to love. Again, regardless of swanqueen, I still enjoyed the stories.
-I do not want to watch a show where they have taken two of the most admirable women in fiction, women of strength and valor, of character and poise, and turned them into dumpsters for male abuse and manipulation. I mean since it’s a family show, young women should be prepared to be treated like that right? Replace a storyline about fairy tales with the cold hard truth of spousal abuse. Don’t they call that show SVU?
-I do not want to watch a show that uses romantic body language and dialog between main characters to deliberately fish for the lgbt audience and yet insults the community by refusing to acknowledge that we swen, exist. Again, this is not about sq, it’s about exploiting a fandom and misrepresentation of an entire community. And if you don’t think that is wrong, shame on you.
-I shipped emma and neil. I shipped emma and august. I shipped regina and daniel. I shipped swanqueen since 1x1. I shipped exactly all of the ships. How on earth could I not ship cs or oq? How did I literally miss the boat on this one? Because it is just hands down, bad fucking writing. It’s forced, it has no substance and the attitude of fans supporting it is pathetic. Literally being spoon fed garbage, asking for more, and lookin over at my steak of an otp, which in no way even threatens their precious beards, and calling it delusional. The irony isn’t lost on me. They actively bully the swanqueen fandom and every new episode is just a testament to how supported they are.
-They have completely disregarded their own “rules”, shit that was impossible 3 episodes ago is now full on possible, and it’s the only thing that is important. This happens every week now. Can you imagine that working out in any other coveted media? For instance, It took rumple a century to build the bricks for that curse to happen, and transcending realms was insanely difficult, and now it’s just like “hey I’m gonna pop on over to the (insert realm here) for a (insert excuse to keep cs and oq’s lame ass stories going) need anything? Oh, I also don’t need to explain how, because we don’t do that anymore. We have literally run out of ways that this could make any sense so we’re just gonna disregard what we have already established”
-I honestly think that they owe donation to some amnesia reasearch or foundation because memory loss is the staple of every single season. I have studied magic for years, craft, history, culture, and lore. I personally guarantee you all that their are in fact other spells and curses than just memory loss.
-I haven’t actually “watched” since like the middle of season 4. I simply look up from the computer when I hear Regina’s voice and I dissect the scene to see if it can be used for sq manips. I haven’t paid attention in awhile, and I almost felt bad because I thought it was because sq hijacked my brain. But in all actuality it’s because the shit just isn’t interesting anymore. You watch, you go on what you know to perceive the logical outcome and boom, fuck you for thinking this was a show that followed it’s own god damn premise.
-It has been my honor to support the needs of swen by this blog, writing romantic sq fanfiction, making art and comical posts. And sharing all of yours as well. I think of all of you as a large, slightly neurotic but well meaning family. My family. And I couldn’t be prouder. But the queer baiting is hurtful. It’s hurtful to this fandom and to the lgbt community. Which is also my family. And nobody hurts my family.
-Lana and Jennifer are just precious human beings that support so many great causes and charities, and communities, that I don’t want to associate either of them with media that supports what has been going on in the show or supporters of certain pairings. I know they have contracts, but the fact remains that these two are not supporters of certain messages this show is sending.
-I don’t appreciate that mental instability is advocated because of “love.” It’s highly insulting to individuals in recovery who fucking know better. If it’s gonna be in the script, call a spade a spade and don’t blanket that shit over and pretend that everything will be okay if the character just gets the pairing they desire. Mental instability is a life long issue that people struggle with everyday. Inaccurate representation and using it as justification for lack of genuine writing is dangerous. Believe it or not individuals living in recovery would also like to be accurately represented. We happen to live in a society that likes to blame terrorism on mental instability. And that shit is just Un fucking acceptable. It’s bad enough to have an MHD but to represent it as just a love struck phase is not a good message for children or anyone for that matter. Threatening suicide for attention? No other way to keep that sad sack, shit train of a pairing going? No other way to bring that scene together? What the actual fuck were they thinking?
-I thought that I felt inspired by the show. But I was wrong. I started writing again when I found the sq fandom. I have never wrote a ouat fanfiction that wasn’t sq. They get zero credit for everything this family has built. The turned their backs on us the minute they let YNB sit on that panel after the shit that came out of her disgusting mouth. Also, shitty actress that has spent years misrepresenting the African American community. How many times can you play stereotypical unruly black woman and still have self respect? Apparently infinite times. The entire fandom deserved better than that.
-I have been disappointed in the direction of the show before, when it became apparent that swanqueen was just a mass delusion we were all suffering from, because none of us had ever had a relationship or a friend so we couldn’t possibly know the difference between the two, and that being the only thing in our fandom to be acknowledged. Again, this particular rant is not one of their refusal to write the goods, it’s a rant about the impact that this show has on so many and how important it is to be mindful of the things that you are representing or misrepresenting on television. I could give exactly zero shits as to who ends up with who and it’s directly because of the terrible writing and insensitive attitude these assholes have shown toward their fans.
-I’m almost thankful that they don’t have more poc rep. Because I fear that between the direction of the show and shitting on their fans, that they would just balls to wall butcher the shit out of (insert ethnicity here). Racial insensitivity would just be the icing on the cake and all of a sudden everyone who has ever enjoyed any part of the show is now a dick. They killed both black guys. All two of them. Which may not be as bad as trying to write for the characters in this particular case. I can see it now, (Season six, the heros fight a race war. Because fuck poc, and let’s ignore this and keep the attention on the pirate and whoever that hot blonde is now.)

So no, I’m sorry, I hung in there. I supported, I accepted, and I went along with the story as it was being told. But this is no longer the show I was a fan of. The main characters don’t have an arc anymore. They are just completely different people for the sake of ratings and it’s a shame because this could have been one of the best shows in the history of television. It had the recipe for greatness and ground breaking story telling, and now it’s just shit soup for the sake of getting as many fans as possible. And shame on them for the way they have treated their fans.
And if you haven’t heard it today, I appreciate you. This fandom has honestly saved my life on more than one occasion.
#Viva la swanqueen # viva la swen

-Regards,
Longfelo22

2

Day: 1043
Shirt: Metallica, Guns N’ Roses, Faith No More - North American Tour 1992

Color:  Black

Brand: Sportswear

Source:  I look at this shirt and part of me thinks its awesome and i love the combo tour shirt.  so cool, it never happens anymore.  and jesus what a fucking monolithic tour.  people in 92 must’ve lost their shit.  i know i did. 

then the other part of my brain kicks in.  the one that has worked with bands like this and my head starts to hurt.  Like the back and forth about which one of these bitches go tot be billed on top…Metallica is on top , fuck that, then GNR gets to be on top on back.  if GNR is on top on back then the Metallica logo on back needs to be 10% bigger cause we Metallica has sold more records….

that kind of bickering really goes on.  while Faith No More gets whatever they get if they are lucky.  and on this tour they got replaced by Motorhead so there is that. 

agh the politics of it all.