not alone

OCD isn’t just “being tidy” it’s
-being unsure about everything all the time
-vividly remembering doing something but worrying you didn’t do it
-worried you did something bad or wrong and you clearly didn’t.
-what if you did this “well I didn’t” are you sure?
-“are you sure” is pretty much the worst question to hear cause you’re never really sure
-double and triple (and so on) checking dates and​ times for meetings and appointments even though you know you have the right time

~obviously this is not an exhaustive list and I encourage people to add more~

I saw Love, Simon yesterday with my two friends who are both straight. Two rows in front of me were a group of girls from my old school who were all in the same class ran by the teacher I had a massive crush on last year (and still do). Behind us was another group of girls and to my right was a wlw couple and behind them was a teenage boy with perhaps his younger sister.

Throughout the film the girl behind me was sobbing at all the parts that I was, my heart was wrenching and with every quote I felt like all the parts of my life that I had kept hidden and buried in 3am tears, the parts of my life that I am still much too ashamed and afraid to speak of, the parts of my life I vowed to my heart I would never reveal, were displayed on a big screen right there in front of me.

When Simon’s mother said “You can exhale now” I cried. The girls behind me cried. The couple next to me cried. The teenage boy with his sister cried. The two girls from my school who had been out for years, cried. But my two straight friends did not cry nor did the boy’s little sister or the girls from my school who were not gay. And that’s when I knew, that we were all from different walks of life, we had different likes and dislikes, different hobbies, different interests, the girls behind me had bright green hair cut short and I was just the girl with long brown hair, we were all completely different people. And that’s the thing, we are nothing alike. But we all related to the burden of carrying parts of yourself like an unwanted weight on your shoulders, and we all know what it’s like to exhale now.

I walked out of the cinema and my friends resumed their lives, one even said the movie was “too gay” and they walked around our city unmoved. Because they get to live in a world where they are represented in all aspects of their life. The billboards, the movies, the songs, the books, the very poster on the bus that took us there, represents and normalises them.

As I turned the corner the girl who had been sobbing behind me in the movie walked hand in hand with her girlfriend. She smiled at me and I smiled back. How crazy I thought, to have somebody know my secret.

And I want everybody to understand that there are thousands and thousands of people who share or have shared your pain and every single day you encounter these people, whether you realise it or not.

Physics says: go to sleep. Of course
you’re tired. Every atom in you
has been dancing the shimmy in silver shoes
nonstop from mitosis to now.
Quit tapping your feet. They’ll dance
inside themselves without you. Go to sleep.

Geology says: it will be all right. Slow inch
by inch America is giving itself
to the ocean. Go to sleep. Let darkness
lap at your sides. Give darkness an inch.
You aren’t alone. All of the continents used to be
one body. You aren’t alone. Go to sleep.

Astronomy says: the sun will rise tomorrow,
Zoology says: on rainbow-fish and lithe gazelle,
Psychology says: but first it has to be night, so
Biology says: the body-clocks are stopped all over town
History says: here are the blankets, layer on layer, down and down.


The Sciences Sing a Lullabye

Albert Goldbarth, 1948


Graphic - 36…

5 Chester’s Songs About Being Strong

I don’t know about you guys, but I couldn’t get over what happened to Chester just yet and I don’t know if I ever will. I’ve been playing his songs in my iPod and in my head, some of them are sad, some of them are empowering.

The lyrics made me question why a man that writes songs about being strong, get back on your feet and let bad things go did what he did, but I guess there’s a limit every person can go to before tearing apart. 

So this is the 5 songs Chester Bennington composed (or recorded) about being strong.

5. Somewhere I Belong

The song is about someone who’s in the darkness and wants and tries to find the light. 

“I will break away, I’ll find myself today”

“I wanna heal, I wanna feel what I thought was never real
I wanna let go of the pain I’ve felt so long
(Erase all the pain till it’s gone)
I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I’m close to something real
I wanna find something I’ve wanted all along
Somewhere I belong”

4. One More Light

Chester’s words in the beginning simply kill me, ‘cause now I’m singing this song for him. We all care and we all feel very much each day.

“Can I help you, not to hurt, anymore?”

“There are things that we can have, but can’t keep”

“And you’re angry, and you should be, it’s not fair
Just ‘cause you can’t see it, doesn’t mean it, isn’t there”

“Who cares if one more light goes out?
Well I do”

3. Not Alone

I like this song not only because it brings hope and love, but also a sense of freedom. The way he sings “you are not alone”… it just gives me chills.

“The cold comes, racing through my skin
Searching for a way to get to you through the storm”

“Go, leaving all you’ve known, you are not alone”

If I may, I’d like to make a small change in this verse: “No, don’t give up your hope, you are not alone”, ‘cause that’s exactly what I’d say to him.

2. Iridescent

A powerful song, not only for its lyrics, but also for the sonority.

“Do you feel cold and lost in desperation?
You build up hope, but failure’s all you’ve known
Remember all the sadness and frustration
And let it go”

1. The Messenger

This song won’t stop playing in my head when I heard about Chester. This one song that fills up the heart with so much hope. 

When you feel all alone
Cut off from this cruel world
Your instincts telling you to run
Listen to your heart
Those angel voices
They’ll sing to you, they’ll be your guide back home

When life leaves us blind
Love keeps us kind
It keeps us kind

When you’ve suffered enough
And your spirit is breaking
You’re growing desperate from the fight
Remember you’re loved
And you always will be
This melody will bring you right back home

When life leaves us blind
Love keeps us kind
When life leaves us blind
Love keeps us kind

So I guess this is me, trying to say goodbye…