not aligne

Those alternative D&D alignment charts that are going around kind of crack me up due to the history behind it.

I’ve posted about it before, but the TL;DR version is that the law/chaos axis of the D&D alignment system originally referred to cosmic principles, not personal convictions; there was an implicit assumption baked into the game’s default setting that Order and Chaos were cosmic forces locked in eternal battle for universal dominion, and that player characters would align themselves with one of those forces - indeed, that’s why it was named “alignment” in the first place.

So when you go and swap the law/chaos axis for, say, butch/femme, in light of that history one might reasonably suppose that you’re proposing a setting in which Butch and Femme are likewise cosmic principles locked in eternal battle.

And that’s where things get hilarious.

Like, who are the Gods of Butch? What weapons are their clerics permitted to wield? What does an Archon of Femme look like?

These are important questions.

eurovision alignments
  • Lawful ballad: Typically kind of boring, but qualifies because you can't NOT vote for it or else you'll look like a jerk. Probably about love. Or peace.
  • Neutral ballad: Trying to be a power ballad but the singer just isn't that good. Maybe about love, but not in a guilt-trippy kind of way. Sounds better in studio.
  • Chaotic ballad: Strong, overly dramatic power ballad. Either the best thing you've ever heard or just way too extra. There is no in between.
  • Lawful schlager: Upbeat and really generic, like it's trying to make sure it qualifies. Probably written by someone from Sweden.
  • Neutral schlager: Passes for a normal pop song, at least mostly. Incredibly radio-friendly. Gets a lot of jury votes.
  • Chaotic schlager: Not quite a joke entry, but could be mistaken for one if you squint. Lots of glitter and exposed skin. Why people think Eurovision is gay.
  • Lawful crazy: The staging and outfits and pretty much everything looks like a fever dream, but the entry still resembles a song. 10/10 would dance to while drunk.
  • Neutral crazy: Any entry that just screams, "hey, we REALLY don't feel like hosting next year." Almost never qualifies. Just as planned.
  • Chaotic crazy: Looks and sounds like a shitpost, because they put serious effort into making sure it looks and sounds like a shitpost. Gets a fuckton of televotes.

reminder that male aligned/female aligned doesn’t mean “basically male” or “basically female”

it just means that that persons gender identity might lean closer to male or female, but it doesn’t erase the fact that they are nonbinary

nonbinary people are nonbinary, and if their gender leans closer to a binary gender that doesnt make them said binary gender

I was applying for a Roll20 game...

DM: (looking at my character sheet) Why is your alignment Spooky?

Me: It just fit my character’s morals better than anything on the canon alignments chart.

DM: Please pick an actual alignment. I don’t care if it’s on the chart, it just has to be something that describes morals.

Me: …Neutral Spooky?

(Needless to say, I was not invited to that game when it started.)