not a nats post

A lil context: our party (of around 5) had been captured by drow and abandoned a small island inhabited by humans, goblins, and orcs. We decided to approach the orcs to see if they would aid us in taking out the drow and get off the island. I play a female half-elf paladin, while my friend plays her twin brother. Our campaign has been run using milestone levelling, rather than XP for story reasons. 

Orc Leader: by our custom to gain our loyalty, you must compete to show your physical prowess! 

(DM tells us to roll Athletics or Performance to see which of us will be picked for the trial) 

Me: rolls nat20 Athletics

Twin: rolls nat20 performance

Orc Leader: you! The small double-elf persons! You shall compete in our physical challenge!

Twin: *leaning into the orc’s space* what kind of physical challenge, big boy? Surely we can bend the rules a little.  

Me: I wink flirtatiously.

DM: Make a persuasion roll, with advantage because of your sister 

Twin: rolls nat19

DM: Seriously? *rolls a nat1 for the orc’s saving throw* oh come on! 

Orc Leader: (nervously) Crekkar accepts your challenge!

DM: And so you both take Crekkar to his tent and show your …physical prowess. *rolls dice* You both tire him out easily while you remain almost unaffected. The orcs appreciate your strength and endurance and are now your allies. 

Me (ooc): *jokes* level up!

DM: … actually. I had planned for the milestone to be after you conquered the orc camp, either by killing them or proving yourself in combat. So, yeah. The entire party is now level 3. 

Monk: I can’t believe I can now catch arrows because the twins are sluts 

i hope pidge finds a cute space girlfriend who is really happy to hear pidge infodump about all kinds of tech and how cool it is and how it all works. this happens all the time. like every single day and pidge just rambles on and on and thinks her gf is just listening but not paying attention

but then one day pidge and hunk are helping coran with some kind of device. and pidge’s gf comes in and just stares at what they are doing for a while. after a few minutes she suggests something to make the device work better. pidge, who was been focused on trying to find the right length of cable wire, lifts her head and stares at her gf incredulously

gf: what?

pidge: how did you know that would work?

gf: well last week you mentioned something about types of power sources and i thought it might work 

and pidge realizes that her gf hadn’t just been listening but also learning from her and cue the star and heart eyes and fluff

(Unfortunately our consistent party tends to be just three people: myself, my husband, and a friend of ours. When I’m DM, I’m almost constantly caught off guard by the things my players do. Even when I go out of my way to try and come up with every possible thing they could do, they manage to do something unexpected. Here’s a few examples…)

Bear Hunting

(Story is an elven man is a mentor to a young human boy. His parents died under mysterious circumstances; everyone believes a bear killed his parents. After some investigating, it was determined that the elven man killed both parents with arrows to the heart, on account of they were going to sell their son into slavery. This follows.)

Husband: I let the elf go and go hunting.

Me: Uh, okay. What are you hunting for?

Husband: A bear.

Me: ….. *retrieves Bestiary* Ooookay then…

(He eventually succeeds in killing two bears, then brought one to the boy as ‘the one that killed his parents’. I actually, honestly expected him to kill the elf mentor…)

Overreacting

(A young boy is causing a scene in a city, harassing some guards. My players come and get the situation calmed, getting the guards to leave. It turns out that the boy’s father was a wizard who was wrongfully executed and he’s taking out his anger on the guards. Then this happens…)

Me: The boy, still distraught, casts Magic Missile at (husband). Take 2 damage.

Husband: Ow.

Friend (a ninja): I jump kick the boy in the head.

Me: ….what.

Friend: *hard stare*

Me: …. (We roll appropriately) He takes 12 nonlethal damage and is knocked unconscious.

Friend: *to my husband, in character* Shall I dispatch this miscreant for you, master?

Husband: NO.

Brothel Battle

(A slaver ship captain is in a brothel. I expected the players to just wait on the docks for him to return. Instead, they split up and end up at the brothel together. One is an Inquisitor (husband), the other is a vigilante (friend). Both are male. I fully expect both of them to enter as patrons. Instead…)

Friend: I disguise myself as a woman named ‘Rose’.

Me: …..Okay.

Husband: *shaking head*

Friend: I go inside and pretend to be looking for a job.

(We RP him approaching the Madame, and her offering rates and such things for 'Rose’. Note that the vigilante’s hero name is “The Wild Rose”, the brothel’s name is “The Blooming Rose”, and the Madame’s name is “Rosa”. The place is also heavily guarded by false patrons wearing masks. Husband comes in as a patron looking for a woman of Rose’s exact description, so he’s escorted to her room as her first patron. Then they just wait in the room for the man they suspect to be the captain to come by. After actually yanking him into the room when he turned down Rose’s advances [he preferred strong women, but Rose was dainty and childlike], they fight, and win. However, an alert goes up. I expect the pair to jump out the window. Instead…)

Husband: I run out of the room and around the corner, duck into another room, and cast Invisibility on myself.

Friend: I scream and pretend (Inquisitor) killed my customer.

(They proceeded to escape and even took the captain’s boots before they left, both of them invisible at this point.)

A Whole New Use for Bear Traps

(Same as the previous game, the two are sneaking around the house of a rich family and spot bear traps in the garden. I expect them to either move the traps, spring them, or ignore them. Instead…)

Friend: I PICK UP THE BEAR TRAPS.

Me: ….Okay, you do so.

(Few moments later, after a successful perception check to notice footsteps nearby…)

Me: You hear someone sneaking around.

Friend: …..I HOLD THE BEAR TRAPS IN MY HANDS AND READY AN ATTACK.

Me: …..WHY.

(It was an ally of theirs sneaking around, but he barely managed to NOT get her head stuck in a bear trap. Later on he used them again on a guard. Rather than roll damage, I just accepted it as the guard died instantly. For his sake…)