not a joke at all no sir

tygermama  asked:

For your first sentence meme - Shmi didn't need to use the Force to know her troops were up to something, they were acting just like Ani when he tried to hide sweets.

Shmi didn’t need to use the Force to know her troops were up to something, they were acting just like Ani when he tried to hide sweets. Too quiet, unusually bouncy, and inexplicably sticky.

… She really sort of wished she were joking about that last one, but no, somebody’s glove had gotten glued to the ceiling and there were two troopers trying to pull a third off the wall.

“Do I want to know what’s going on here?” she asked one of the troopers, looking at the general chaos filling the room.

“I’m quite sure we have no clue what you’re talking about, sir,” one of the troopers said cheerfully.

She looked around again, taking in the room - the blue liquid spilled all over the floor, the fire in the corner that one trooper was frantically trying to extinguish, and of course the overall stickiness.

“No clue,” she said. “Of course. There’s nothing going on here at all. My apologies, trooper. Please try not to break anything too vital.”

For this writing meme

8

Get that hair out of your face. Let me see. Christ! That is disgusting. No wonder you cover that up. Have you seen it? I mean, have you looked in the mirror? That is gross as hell. I can see your socket. I want to touch it. Oh, come on. Can I touch it? … All jokes aside, you look rad as hell. I wouldn’t cover that shit up. It may not be a hit with the ladies, but I swear to you, no one is gonna screw with you looking like that. No, sir.

i am so on board with the idea of percival being a giant softy

he was adorable with the lamia (at least until the enchantment turned all the knights against each other)

Originally posted by sandiest-cupid

but consider:

  • percival being a massive hugger. he hugs everyone if he thinks they’re having a bad day. once he hugged arthur without thinking and there was a stunned silence and then arthur joking appointed him the Official Court Hugger, and he takes it very seriously
  • they send percival if they need to rescue a child or someone very afraid. he talks to them real quiet and gentle and every time he returns with them riding double on the horse, clinging to him
  • once they found a baby in an devastated village and he insisted on being the one to carry it home. he wrapped some cloth into a sling and rode into camelot like a proud mama
  • the castle is crawling with cats after he rescued one and it had kittens. they nap in the armory and keep merlin company when he cleans arthur’s armor. they all sleep in percival’s room and at night you can hear them purring
  • the mothers of camelot all adore percival and give him an abundance of baked goods as thank yous. he always comes home with muffins and bread and sweet buns and one time, an entire cake that gwaine stole pieces of
  • he likes to knit and no one questions it. it relaxes him, plus all the knights now have lovely sets of winter hats and scarves

Robber: gimme all your money

Mark: greetings, sir, would you prefer tea, coffee or just a fancy combination of two molecules of hydrogen and one molecule of oxygen

Robber: I got no time for jokes man

Mark: you appear to have a very hectic routine, let me volunteer you for some coffee

Robber: bro pls i need your money *sobbing*

Mark: I haven’t any cash in all seriousness but-

Robber: *removes mask* *is actually Haechan* just make me some coffee then

just saw beauty and the beast

- i cried the moment emma watson started singing
- i LOVED the beginning part where the narrator explains the curse
- dude lumiere was amazing and everything i wanted him to be (be our guest was STUNNING AND SO COOL)
- lefou!!!!! him being gay wasn’t used as a joke at all i loved what they did with that
- the beast having a song??! YEAH DUH
- i cried while “beauty and the beast” was sung
- emma thompson and sir ian mckellan, nothing else needs to be said
- THIS WHOLE MOVIE ❤❤❤

please sir, step aside, this dog has some serious dog business that needs to be businessed

Your fave is problematic: Liam Kosta
  • refuses to wear a goddamn shirt for his big emotional character-building monologue
  • sir your abs are distracting
  • do I need to up the thermostat, your nips could take my eye out
  • this is like James doing pull-ups during his intro scene all over again
  • send help
10

This scene right here. It’s underrated. It shows what position these two are both in. In this job. In this time period. The both have an impairment. They are seen as the bottom of the food chain in the office, in the SSR. Daniel with his disability and Peggy with her gender. This scene shows that they both understand what it’s like for the other. They are taken for granted and all they can do is say “yes, sir, right away, I’ll do that.” And that’s how it is. They can relate to each other and that’s what I love about their relationship. What Hayley Atwell said in this article – “I think what makes it work is that she saw something in him that’s the same quality she found attractive in Skinny Steve (Chris Evans), which was a man with great morals dealing with very real physical hardships. In the workplace, her gender is considered a disability. Sousa has a disability from the war, and therefore has to deal with that limitation. Because he deals with it with such dignity in the way that Skinny Steve did, that’s what attracts her to people. I think it’s inevitable that they end up together. He’s not intimidated by her. He respects her and admires her, and supports how brilliant she is and how good she is at her job, and is not threatened by that. I think that’s a bloody hard thing for men in the 1940s to not be intimidated by. He’s pretty special in that regard.”

We’re Watching How It’s Made

Evans Turtle: how it’s made: the incredibly specific robots in how it’s made
copperbadge: I want Tony’s bots and JARVIS to do a fake How It’s Made. "Today, on How We Make: Captain America’s Shield!“  
copperbadge: "A blanket to put over Sir”
copperbadge: “And mixed drinks without a blender”  
Reesa: I want both the incredibly specific robot one AND the bots and jarvis one
daroos: Or it could be a “How we make: Iron Man Armor” but then the video is just Tony drinking and shooting the shit about inconsequential stuff.
copperbadge: LOL YES 
daroos: “J which secretary of defense did I pee on that once?”
daroos: “Sir, this is a show designed for all ages”
daroos: “Kids love peepee jokes”
copperbadge: Then just a montage of all the times Tony faceplanted while testing the armor

percival graves actually looks like this

but grindelwald aint having that shit 

he uses rogaine spells and trades in all the clothes for custom tailored italian shit

he isn’t even subtle or gradual about it

so now all of macusa is like “why is he suddenly…?” “hot?” “yeah”

tina loses a bet and walks up to graves like “sir, why are you suddenly gorgeous?” and graves is like “………reasons”

Overall thoughts on Unfortunate Events netflix series
  • SPOILERS!!!
  • -It's good
  • -I wasn't expecting all the songs oh my gosh.
  • -I know that a lot of people will hate that it ended with a musical number but I thought it was great.
  • -NPH as Olaf was great
  • -That twist that the mom and dad were the parents of the triplets.... Wow. I knew they weren't the Baudelare parents from the beginning but wow for some reason I wasn't expecting the triplets.
  • -Lemony was spot on.
  • -The jokes were great
  • - Daniel Handler as a fish mongrel was great
  • -The forth wall was completely obliterated
  • -Sir and Charles relationship confermed!
  • -Somewhat disappointed they didn't do the sword fight or the never ever ever ever ever ever ever thing but what ever they did the he found himself reading the same sentince over and over so I can't really complain
  • -LITERALLY
  • -*Cough*
  • -Yesica Haircut
  • Please if anyone want a to yell about this show with me just say the word and I'll be down with that.

Coalface? In the Watch?”

Dink. “Corporal Carrot says there’s some good buried somewhere in everyone,” said Detritus.

“And what’s your job, Detritus?”

Dink. “Engineer in charge of deep mining operations, sah!”

Vimes scratched his head.

“That was very nearly a joke, wasn’t it?” he said.

“It this new helmet my mate Cuddy made me, sir. Hah! People can’t say, there go stupid troll. They have to say, who that good-looking military troll there, acting-constable already, great future behind him, he got Destiny written all over him like writing.”

There are a few things I love about this. Obviously the ongoing friendship between Detritus and Cuddy, very important to my heart and soul. Carrot’s genuine belief that there’s some good buried somewhere in everyone, too. He’s becoming much more complicated as a person, but at his core he’ll always really believe that.

But also, Detritus says “great future behind him.” It was just the last book, I think, that established that trolls think they travel through time backward because you can see the past. It’s a tiny piece of worldbuilding, and here it’s casually reflected in Detritus’s language, and that’s so cool, that level of consistency and thought, I love that

BTS Reaction #5

When BTS meets your parents for the first time as your boyfriend.

Request here

Jin:

“I love your daughter SO much that I would do ANYTHING for her.”

 “Oh really?”

“Yes.”

 “Then dance.”

 *immediately drops down and does a whole cheer routine*

 “I was joking… but you’re the perfect man for her.”

Originally posted by jimins-bootae


Yoongi:

“So, what was it like when you first met our daughter?”

“…”

*parents start tapping their feet”

*sighs, giving up all of his dignity* “…It was like I was shot by cupid’s arrow…” 

Originally posted by hugbin


Namjoon:

*standing in front of the door*

“Okay, don’t do anything weird-” *you see him posing* “-what are you doing?”

“Trust me, Y/N, I know what parents like. You need to make a strong first impression in order to impress them.” 

“What? No, stop it-”

*parents open the door*

*continues posing* “Hello, sir. I am the man dating your wonderful daughter.”

“…” *slowly closes the door*

Originally posted by jiminjuice


Hoseok:

“I love Y/N so so much, I promise that I’ll treat her the way she deserves to be treated. I swear, I won’t let anyone hurt her for the rest of her life.”

*parents in awe of how perfect he is*

“Y/N? Are you sure this is the boy you’re dating???”

Originally posted by twinklestars06


Jimin:

“So.. I heard that you like cute boys!”

“Well, yeah, did Y/N tell you that?”

*nods* “I’m pretty cute.” *strikes a pose and tries to add aegyo* 

“…” 

“Aren’t… I c-c-ute…?” *continues to pose*

Originally posted by forjimin


Taehyung:

“How did you and Y/N meet?”

“Oh it’s a really long story, are you sure you’d like to hear it?”

“Of course! We have all the time in the world!” 

“REALLY? WELL OKAY THEN, SO I MET HER AT…” 

*rambles on for an hour*

“Alright, alright, that sounds great! How about we continue this another time?”

“SHHH… THERE’S MORE!” *continues rambling*

Originally posted by sonyondan


Jungkook:

“What makes you think you’re compatible with our daughter?”

“I’m good at anything, similar to how she’s perfect at everything.” *preparing to bust out his skills*

“Oh, really? Can you show us something?” 

*starts singing, rapping, and dancing*

“Wow, alright, you really are talen-”

*carries you bridal style while doing squats*

Originally posted by jungxook

Patented SMH DadJoke Shutdown™
  • <p> <b>Holster:</b> What do you call a police officer in bed?<p/><b>Ransom:</b> Big boy.<p/><b>Shitty:</b> Daddy *kissy face and wink*<p/><b>Bitty, racily:</b> Mr. Policeman, sir, yes, please!!<p/><b>Jack:</b> His name.<p/><b>Lardo:</b> Anything but his name.<p/><b>Holster:</b> .....an undercover cop. but okay, fuck all of you<p/></p>

so heres a funny story that i also think would be beneficial for all the game masters out there. in my group, i set up an obsidian portal account, which for those of you who dont know lets you make a wiki for your campaign and is SUPER useful so i really recommend. 

anyway, one of my players decided it would be funny to create a joke NPC called “sir mise” and used that one picture of a kitten with chainmail. for the description, all it said was “a great philosopher. so game day comes around. the group has undergone vigorous training and tests to become part of an elite group that carries out secret missions for the king. they pass and have a celebration and then its time to meet their handler. the one that they will go through for missions and various other things. they get to the conference room or whatever it was and sitting there is this tiny person in chainmail and a helmet with their back turned to them. they turn around and guess who it was. youre damn right. it was FUCKING SIR MISE. 

my players just about lost it. the player who made that page is just sitting there with their hand over their face shaking their head as i take on the role of sir mise. i make sure to use “meow” in just about every sentence i can a la super troopers which only adds to the utter ridiculousness. it was great. one of the funniest and honestly best sessions ive ever had. 

 but the reason why i bring that up is that we as gms feel like we need to do everything alone but that isnt the case. take your players’ paranoid ramblings as they talk OOC about what could be ahead. take their offhand remarks or jokes because it only helps you as a dm and can make for some pretty interesting and fun scenarios.

here is how to do non-homophobic productions of classical texts with queer themes: take the moments of tension, when the subtext becomes most visible, the moments that are usually treated as jokes, and lean into them. treat queer love and desire with the same dignity and complexity as the heterosexual narrative.

so for example, let’s look at this exchange from twelfth night.

ORSINO
But died thy sister of her love, my boy?
CESARIO
I am all the daughters of my fathers house,
And all the brothers too; and yet I know not.
Sir, shall I to this lady?
ORSINO
Ay, that’s the theme.
To her in haste; give her this jewel; say,
My love can give no place, bide no denay.

in most productions of that I’ve seen, there is a moment of tension between  “and yet I know not” and “sir, shall I to this lady?” this seems like an awkward transition in the text, particularly because orsino responds with “ay, that’s the theme.” often this moment is a kiss; sometimes it’s an almost-kiss and sudden turning away. in any case, the subtext of “ay, that’s the theme” is always: “well, that was weird! I kissed a boy! let’s pretend that didn’t happen and get back to my love for olivia. olivia is the theme; she’s what matters, not cesario.” the audience always laughs at this line.

what if, instead, orsino did not turn away from his feelings? what if the moment looked more like this:

  • “and yet I know not”—cesario is, obviously, talking about himself.  he doesn’t know how his love is going to turn out.  he worries that his transness and his gender make his love for orsino impossible.  he suspects that orsino reciprocates his feelings, but is unable to admit so to himself.  he suspects that orsino’s “love” for olivia is unfounded and superficial, and this moment is an outburst of frustration with orsino for not being able to admit his true feelings.  I know not!  I don’t know what’s going to happen, man!  maybe I will die if I have to keep “smiling at grief” and leaving my feelings unexpressed.
  • then, one of two things happens.
    • cesario takes a leap and kisses orsino, or
    • orsino suddenly understands and kisses cesario
  • in either case, the impossibility of their love is, for one glorious moment, breached.
  • and then, suddenly, the moment is broken. the two lovers remember who they are.  cesario remembers that he is dependent upon his job at orsino’s court for his survival. orsino remembers that his social status compels him to heterosexual marriage. orsino remembers that his gayness is an abomination; cesario remembers that his transness makes him fundamentally unloveable.
  • and yet the moment happened.  neither of them can deny that it happened, and neither of them wants to.  but they also know that they’re trapped by their circumstances.  so this next moment is not a turning away from their feelings but an acknowledgement of them.  (this makes their sudden union at the end of the play much nicer—since they have already acknowledged their love for each other at this point, orsino does not have to guess what cesario’s feelings for him are. “boy, thou has said a thousand times thou never shouldst love woman like to me” becomes a reference to this moment specifically.)
  • finally, cesario breaks the silence with “sir, shall I to this lady?” but again, he is only acknowledging that they have to continue on with the charade of their social roles.  he is not smoothing over or denying the moment that has just happened.
  • ”ay, that’s the theme”=“yeah, I guess that’s what we have to do.”  that’s the theme that we are being forced into; that’s the narrative.
  • orsino then gives cesario a jewel to give to olivia.  what’s interesting, though, is that cesario never gives olivia this jewel.  perhaps, then, this jewel is not intended for olivia at all. perhaps orsino is not referring to his love for olivia in the next line, “my love can give no place.”  indeed—at this point, orsino’s love for cesario can give no place.  it won’t go away; but also, there is no place where it can live in the light.
2

Babette tells a joke to the family about a contract, “’Ooh, you are such a pretty little girl. Would the sweetie like a sweetie? Oh yes, how about some chocolate?’ Oh yes, please, kind sir. My mama and papa left me all alone, and I’m so very hungry. I know a shortcut to the candy shop. Through this alley. ‘Oh ya, very good. Very good. My it is dark down here. Oh, but you are so beautiful. Such a lovely smile. Your teeth… your teeth! No! Aggghh!!’”