not a french horn

Instruments renamed
  • Piccolo: scream maker
  • Flute: tooty toot
  • Oboe: quack machine
  • English horn: goose simulator
  • Clarinet: blue
  • Bassoon: rolling marbles
  • Saxophone: sexy quacking
  • French horn: star wars?
  • Trumpet: blemp
  • Trombone: fart machine
  • Tuba: big fart machine
  • Violin: crying children
  • Viola: firewood
  • Cello: delta faucet commercial music
  • Bass: bwah
Dear kids that are starting band for the first time.

Instruments don’t have gender. If you are a boy and you want to play flute. Do it. If you are a girl and you want to play tuba. Do it. No one can tell you that since you are a boy you have to play saxophone, trumpet or another instrument like that. Or since you are a girl you have to play flute, clarinet or some instrument like that. Play whatever you want to. No one can tell you other wise.

composers and their descriptions

Bach: polyphony is the new black

Haydn: surprise motherfucker

Mozart: some people just never grow up :/

Beethoven: some people just never grOW OUT OF THEIR EMO PHASE

Tchaikovsky: sad, gay, and ready to slay

Brahms: the song Girlfriend by Avril Lavigne was written specifically for him

Liszt: ill play you a piece if you strip on the piano

Rachmaninoff: this footlong handspan is compensating for something else

Wagner: wow i cant believe he stole lord of the rings

Strauss: you stop dancing, you die

Berlioz: *vapes*

Sibelius: nature is here and shes looking more beautiful than ever

Mahler: nature is here and shes PISSED

Shostakovich: fuck stalin, fuck the police, fuck tonality

Respighi: nature is here and shes a man

Messiaen: is there a subtype of furries specifically for birds?

Schoenberg: why limit yourself to just one key?

Ives: why limit yourself to just 12 notes?

Britten: gay? never heard of it

Grainger: nobody will comment on your bdsm roleplay if you write catchy tunes

Gershwin: ooooooooowwWWWWWEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAA

Reich: clap clap clap clap clap clap clap clap clap clap clap clap clap

Glass: play these 8 measures 37 times then repeat

Cage: *drags piano bench across the stage then walks offstage*

Williams: HOOOOOOORRRRRRRNNNNNNSSSSSSS


feel free to add more

my favorite instrument stereotypes
  • tuba: either too tall or too small, pop culture nerds, enjoy old memes
  • trombone: at once amazingly competent and incompetent. no one else can play their trombone because it is broken in ways only they understand
  • euphonium: the teenaged equivalent of a bitter old man who actually has a heart of gold
  • trumpet: egotistical fucks who care a lot about playing louder than the flutes
  • french horn: the only labrosone above the sin of the brass section. everyone treats them like woodwinds because they essentially are
  • flutes: really want to be first chair, insecure about their musicianship, weep a lot
  • clarinet: like the flutes but better at emotional suppression, wants to make everyone proud
  • saxophone: awesome jazz
  • oboe: the only one who doesn't think their instrument sounds like a duck, nerds
  • bassoon: rich, pretentious, correct other people's grammar
  • percussion: first i bang the drum then i bang your mom, also anger issues probably
  • <p> <b>every talented musician ever:</b> warm up with low, long tones!<p/><b>me:</b> *stumbles through a 2 octave scale in 5 seconds, sneezes, hits head on a brick wall somewhere"<p/></p>
The Best Solos
  • Piccolo: Tchaikovsky: Symphony No. 4, Mvmt. 3
  • Flute: Saint-Saens: The Carnival of the Animals, Aviary
  • Oboe: Stravinsky: Pulcinella Suite, Serenata
  • English Horn: Shostakovich: Symphony No. 8, Mvmt. 1
  • E-Flat Clarinet: Shostakovich: Symphony No. 7, Mvmt. 2
  • B-Flat Clarinet: Offenbach: Overture to Orpheus in the Underworld
  • Bass Clarinet: Stravinsky: The Rite of Spring
  • Bassoon: Rimsky-Korsakov: Scheherezade, Mvmt. 2
  • Contrabassoon: Dukas: The Sorcerer's Apprentice
  • French Horn: R. Strauss: Till Eulenspiegels Lustige Streiche
  • Trumpet: Mahler: Symphony No. 5, Mvmt. 1
  • Trombone: R. Strauss: Also Sprach Zarathustra
  • Tuba: Gershwin: An American in Paris
  • Percussion: Hindemith: Symphonic Metamorphosis, Mvmt. 2
  • Violin: Shostakovich: Symphony No. 5, Mvmt. 2
  • Viola: Brahms: Symphony No. 4, Mvmt. 2
  • Cello: Beethoven: Symphony No. 5, Mvmt. 2
  • Double Bass: Saint-Saens: The Carnival of the Animals, L'Elephant
what the instruments do the night before a Big Concert™
  • french horn: the only ones who are well rested and prepared for the concert
  • tuba: runs around screaming
  • euphonium / baritone: looks to see what the tubas are doing, and then Not That
  • flute: gets 12 hours of sleep they don't deserve
  • mellophone: gets ice cream and ignore their problems
  • trumpet: perfecting the solo and outfit well into the night
  • trombone: stays up until 3am for no reason
  • piccolo: night terrors about intonation. 1 hour of sleep at best
  • saxophone: awesome jazz
  • clarinet: stress out about disappointing their conductor/parents/selves
  • oboe: frantically making reeds
  • bassoon: frantically thinking about making reeds but being too lazy to actually make them
  • percussion: either high at Denny's or running around with the tubas
  • piano: cursing Chopin
replace every vowel in the orchestra with oob and you get the

oobrchoobstroob

featuring the


vooboobloobn
vooboobloob
cooblloob
dooboobbloob boobss

poobccoobloob
floobtoob
oobbooboob
coobr oobnglooboobs
cloobroobnoobt
boobssooboobn
coobntroobboobssooboobn

hoobrn
troobmpoobt
troobmboobnoob
toobboob

hoobrp
pooboobnoob

toobmpoobnoob
boobss droobm
xyloobphoobnoob
toobboobloobr booblls

and dont forget the soobxoobphoobnoob