not 2 hate myself anymore

Journal entries to you

11/06/14
In English class my teacher asked me to define the difference between love and hate and I swear to god I almost said your fucking name.

8-13-14
Stars never look pretty anymore. I tried looking at them, one night when the loneliness crept through closed doors and loud music. But when I went outside suddenly I was on fire and my wrists were stinging again and I couldn’t stop thinking about the glass I cleaned up that night.

8-12-14
I’m realizing now that I’ve never stopped being lonely. You covered it up. You showed me the stars, but now I know that you were never looking at the stars. You were finding answers in the black holes of my eyes.

7-29-14
I want to shout I love you so loud it’s breaks your ribs. Maybe then you’ll know why I was breathing fast when we met.

7-18-14
I want to punch the letters of your name so hard into a typewriter that they keys jam

6-5-14 (4:46 am)
I recognized your knock on the door. I knew it was you before I saw your sparkly eyeshadow. The way you pulled your sleeves over your hands confused me, but I was so caught up in the freckles on your skin I barely noticed. I wish I had.

6-4-14
I was so close to forgetting. But then you came around and asked for your necklace back. I like to think your breathing stuttered.

5-16-14
I wish your name was poison so all I had to do was call you one more time.

4-28-14
The last time I said your name my voice cracked and someone laughed, so I’m trying not to do that anymore.

4-2-14
Missing you makes me hate myself.

3-22-14
Someone asked me this today: “If you had one wish, what would it be?” And the first thing that came to mind was your name but instead I said true love, because i know they mean the same thing.

3-16-14
You used to tell me that that the bruises on my skin in the shape of your mouth were stars and that I was a universe. I never felt big enough to be one, but now I fill up the space in out bed and nothing hurts more.

3-12-14
You smiled at me today and I couldn’t remember how to breath, but that’s okay because at least you’re smiling. I’m not sure how to.
(At least not for real. Faking it is so easy it’s almost funny)

3-2-14
Don’t you remember the night when I was lonely in a crowded room so you took me out to see the stars? I was lonely again tonight (only now just by myself) so I tried it but it felt like the stars were sparks on my skin.

2-26-14
There’s broken glass everywhere and I think my finger is bleeding but I don’t know where it went wrong. I’m so scared.

2-24-14
She was crying today. I asked of I could help but she yelled at me and now I feel empty again.

2-20-14
Maybe she was always sad and I just couldn’t see it behind the lipstick on her teeth or the sparkly eyeshadow she loved so much. (It was my eyeshadow but I think it looked better on her.)

2-13-14
She seems sadder than when met, and I’m Not sure why. I hope that’s she’s okay because I know sadness can destroy as much as can build.

2-2-14
Everything is easy with her. Romance is so much more fun now. We were dancing today and there wasn’t any music but the house (her house, mine is too boring and small and filled with old sadness) was cold and we were warm.

1-14-14
Her eyes are so beautiful its making my chest hurt because eyes just can’t be that shade of brown.

1-4-14
I got her number and she’s so funny I haven’t smiled this much in years.

1-3-14
I met the most amazing girl today but I remember when I was around her, breathing was a lot harder. I think that’s a good sign.

—  inspired by this