ϟ “Harry had a thin face, knobbly knees, black hair, and bright-green eyes. He wore round glasses held together with a lot of Sellotape because of all the times Dudley had punched him on the nose. The only thing Harry liked about his own appearance was a very thin scar on his forehead which was shaped like a bolt of lightning.“ - Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone, Chapter 2
I came up with a “humans as aliens” scenario on the bus and now I’m writing a story snippet.
Karikki was sitting in the ship’s mess when the most recent addition to the crew stumbled into the room and collapsed into a chair with a relieved groan, dropping her head onto the table.
“Rough shift?” ie said, making a sympathetic noise as ie broke off another piece of ir food pack.
Melanie Dupré, recently hired on as a ship’s mechanic and as of one month ago the only human crewmember of the Xanaki Star, mumbled something into the table before lifting her head so that her translator could actually be of use.
“I could swear the ventilation ducts actually hate me personally,” she said. “I’ve been running around all day.” A look of horror crossed her features then, and she groaned again, dragging her hand across her eyes. “And I left my food packs in my room. Goddamn it.”
Karikki churred soothingly. “Don’t worry about it, you can have one of ours,” ie said, getting to ir feet and digging one of the vacuum-sealed silver packs out of the pantry.
Melanie made a noise that Karikki had learned to interpret as grateful and peeled the pack open, looking down at it dubiously. “You’re sure this is okay?”
“We’re nutritionally compatible!” Karikki said. “The captain checked, before we hired you on. Just in case you ran out of your own supplies. It should be fine.”
“Okay. Thanks,” she said, breaking off a square of the compressed nutrition block and popping it into her mouth.
A look crossed her face then that it took Karikki a moment to identify: disgust, ie realized. That was disgust–which was made all the clearer when Melanie gagged and grabbed a napkin, spitting the square out into her hand. “Oh my god,” she said.
Karikki could feel ir antennae fluttering anxiously. “What’s wrong? Are you okay? Is that a bad texture for humans?”
Melanie wiped her mouth, scrubbing at her tongue with the side of her hand. She shook her head. “No, the texture’s fine, it’s just like one of our protein blocks. It’s the [——], I’m sorry, I don’t mean to offend you, but it’s awful! How can you eat that?”
Karikki flicked ir ear. “Sorry, say that again? I think your translator cut out in the middle. It’s the what?”
a comprehensive list of every harry potter character i want to know more about
hannah abbott - is she doing okay? how’s her and neville’s relationship going? do they have any kids? does she make like the best butterbeer ever? i want to know
bathsheda babbling - apparently she was the ancient runes teacher at hogwarts and truly i just want to know more about her because look at that fucking name
katie bell - how’s my girl katie doing? hopefully not too affected by that whole dark curse thing she had to deal with? also i just want to know more about her like how’d she get into quidditch what were her stats like when did her and oliver wood get married
phineas negillus black - truly it’s tragic that whenever i picture him in my mind i see phineas from phineas and ferb with black hair and a very large black wizarding cloak on but like besides that how was he as a headmaster? what was he like? does he take joy in being a little dick head? i truly want to know
susan bones - how is she after her aunt’s death? what’s she doing with her life? susan bones sounds like the type of girl who’d be really really good at braiding hair. is she really really good at braiding hair?
lavender brown - i hope she’s doing okay and that she’s learning to live with the scars greyback gave her and hopefully she’s not a werewolf and listen she just liked ron is that really such a crime jk rowling did her so dirty!!! also i want to know everything about her and parvati’s relationship “friendship” and all the crazy make-outs shenanigans they got into
charity burbage - how’d she get into teaching muggle studies? was she scared those last few moments of her life? was she a good teacher? why the hell did jk rowling never let us witness a muggle studies class
alecto & amycus carrow - damn tell me everything about these two what was their childhood how’d they get into the dark arts literally how far were they willing to go because like torturing children is just fucking evil
the cattermoles - did they actually grab their family and get out of britain?? i sure hope so
penelope clearwater - how’s she doing??? did she get like fucking awesome grades?? how’d she react when percy was being a Dick? important questions
dennis creevey - legit how many times did collin write to him about harry? i bet dennis was like “jesus fuck mate shut up”. is he doing okay? i sure hope so. i hope he got into photography too
fleur delacour - listen i just want to know MORE what kind of student was she??? how many friends did she have??? i want more elaboration on her relationship with her sister. i want a whole god damn book just about fleur’s life. god damn it
dedalus diggle - how did anyone let him become an auror with a name like that
the dumbledores - please, for the love of god, i’d die if jk rowling gave us a book on the dumbledores. think about all that information. wow.
arabella figg - how did a squib get in contact with dumbledore? how was her life growing up being a squib? what were all her cat’s names? did she go play bridge every night with her friends? these are questions i need answers to
seamus finnigan - “me mam” oh you sweet boy how i love you. when was the first time he and dean kissed and was it as magical as he thought?? i won’t rest until i am answered
mundungnus fletcher - so like did he become like he is because of his name or did he change his name to reflect the fact that he was an utter piece of shit
filius flitwick - how’d he get into charms!!! what were his favorite teaching methods!!! favorite students!!! literally anything!!!
florean fortescue - i want to know every single damn flavor of ice cream he had in his shop. also, did he ever reopen it??
astoria greengrass - how’d she and draco meet? what are her political views?? her family life??? what kind of mother was she to scorpius?? i bet she was a damn elegant one
rubeus hagrid - like i want DETAILS about his life at hogwarts. every damn one. and about his life afterwards. i want a tour of his cottage. transcripts of every date he went on with madame maxime or whatever. a list of every single pet he ever owned. i want stories about him going to romania and visiting charlie. i want EVERYTHING
angelina johnson - my BITCH how’s she doing???? how’s life after hogwarts for her?? is she kicking ass and taking names?? i sure hope so. is she playing quidditch? or maybe she’s like a wizarding lawyer or something like stone cold bitch!!!! love that girl. what kind of mother is she? when did she and george fall in love?? does she still meet up with alicia spinnet and katie bell every once in a while for tea and biscuits and a chat?
lee jordan - IS HE A PROFESSIONAL COMMENTATOR. THAT’S ALL I WANT TO KNOW
bellatrix lestrange - i honestly just want to know everything about her. how was she growing up? her relationship with her sisters? when did she like fall in love or infatuation or lust or whatever with voldemort??? is like the no nose thing a kink? when’d she lose her mind? important questions
frank and alice longbottom - how’d they meet? how’d they fall in love? how’d they get married? they deserved better
ernie macmillan - did he ever stop being such a little bitch?
minerva mcgonagall - LEGITIMATELY EVERYTHING I WANT TO KNOW EVERYTHING i want a 1000 page essay detailing her time at hogwarts
cormac mclaggen - did he ever stop being such a big dick?
the patil sisters - listen tell me about like hinduism and magic and indian culture and hindu mythology and magic and also just everything about these sisters and their sisterly bond and how they were both underestimated and taken for giggling girls even though they were smart as fuck i love them
kingsley shacklebolt - okay i wanna hear how awesome he was at school and about how everyone loved him and i wanna hear about his adventures in the ministry and him talking to the muggle prime minister and basically how fucking awesome he was
dean thomas - his love for soccer!!!! tell me all about it!!!! his love for seamus!!!!! tell me all about it!!!!
ted tonks - how did he and andromeda fall in love??? did he try to convince her he was worth it???? was he Smooth As Fuck??? important questions
the weasleys - like i KNOW we know a ton about them but i just want MORE. i want more charlie and bill and bill and ginny’s relationship and all the siblings hanging out and i just want MORE of the dynamic