northwestohio

Worth a read. Reflections on my night and avoiding my zoo of a backyard.

Hello all 8 followers! I hope you all take the time to read this and get to know about me a little. It’ll actually be a little interesting…hopefully.

Tonight is one of my last nights home on break, and I did something that never ceases to make me reflect. I went on a night drive. I didn’t just drive random places. I drove to places that were special, important, or just very frequently traveled when I lived at home. I drove to my best friends’ houses. I drove the back roads that I used to visit when my older friends used to include awkward, junior high Brandon on their college hang outs. I drove to my theatre and my high school where I grew up and found my passion, and met my very best friends.

Now, the interesting part. I was listening to my old alternative music from high school. I also started thinking: I can’t believe how all these places have given me such unrealistic expectations for my future. This is why I’m so sad. I want so badly to share all these memories. I want to show someone all the houses I used to dream about living in when I grow up. I want to talk about how I met my friends, the crazy things we did in that forest, and all the good and bad milestones in my life. But I feel like I can’t.

There wasn’t anybody beside me: it was me, my cigar, and my angst-y teenage music. That is the source of my unhappiness. All these amazing things I need to share are just sitting in my memory. When I experienced all these things, I thought that one day I would have someone to share them with.

I don’t know who I am, but I know who I used to be. I got to let out some of the screaming things I’ve been wanting to yell at some people, so I guess that was a positive to being alone. But, still, I can’t shake how different I expected my life to be. It just doesn’t measure up.

That’s apparent when I come home and don’t want to leave my friends and my bed. Being home is a distraction in itself. But it won’t last. I have a present, and I have a future. I just don’t feel content, and I don’t know what I need to do to fix that. I wish I could get in a time machine and warn myself to not have expectations and to not let my happiness depend on other people who don’t care enough to even recognize how much I care about them.

Also, side story: I came home to a family of skunks in my backyard. I scared the crap out of one of them, literally. But they wouldn’t leave so I could get inside. One thing I don’t miss about my hometown.