northern redneck

im going to my step grandpa’s memorial service up in fuckin mason, wisconsin, population 87 this fine easter weekend and it’ll be the first time i’ll’ve seen any of my fuckin northern redneck family since transitioning and even though my mom’s given them a heads up it’s gonna be Weird and probably offensive

BATHTUB BACTA PART 2: ELECTIC BOOGALOO

Ok, so my original Bathtub Bacta Post has been getting a TON of really great feedback, and I’ve had Yet More Ideas, so I figure it’s time for a second post to answer some questions and clarify points!

1. BACTA AS LUBE

The conclusion reached in the original discussion of this topic is that in order to be “smeared on” as is described in multiple canon works, Bacta is probably about the same consistency as neosporin or vasaline, which is about the texture you want for, uh… the rough stuff.  Bacta is also great for treating micro-tears, which is also probably a good thing when you and your eight-armed partner decide to get freaky in the back of the freighter on the way to Concord Dawn or smth.

As with all forms of personal enjoyment, everyone has their own preferences, and probably more than a few people are going to be turned of by the medical/pineapple scent, or having to wait for the stuff to thaw out before use.

2. LOL WHAT IS CANON?

So, if you’re into star wars at all, you might have noticed the series have a few issues regarding canon, namely, there’s like, six canons, they all conflict, and basically most people have learned to pick out the parts they like best and chill.

TO THAT END, I’m drawing my use and statistical theories from the media i have most readily available and enjoy the most, namely the Clone Wars and Rebels animated series, the movies, and the Edge Of The Empire tabletop RPG system, which if you like star wars and rolling dice, you should all play right now.

No, really, go to your local nerd store and get the thing, you will thank me.

I KNOW, I KNOW, some of Y’all love the old EU and Legends and whatever, and You do You.  But EU does not regularly supply me with obscure economic data that my weird gremlin brain desires, so all of this is based on the newer canon(s), which are pretty explicit about bacta being short for Bacteria, and its administration and costs, if you’re willing to read between the lines a bit.

(If you wanna make you own post about bacta based on legends I’ll definitely give it a read!)

3. COSTS AND ADMINISTRATION

In EotE, the creators are nice enough to provide us with costs for everything your party might need, and an interesting cost discrepancy comes up:

“Basic” Medkit, which does not contain bacta: 50 cr

“Proper” Medkit, which does: 100 cr

Refills on bacta for proper Medkit: 20 cr.

Bacta Tank, which does not need refills if you don’t use it too much: 2000 cr

HENCE

Bacta itself is pretty cheap, but the devices to administer it are expensive.  It also comes up in EotE that Bacta is transported Frozen (as half a sentence in the middle of an extensive paragraph about world-building, but it was important to keep the Players from doing something particularly VILE, so remember GMs- ALWAYS read all of your source material!), which leads me to believe that the extra 30 cr in the “proper” medkit are an administration device that thaws the stuff out

TANKS on the other hand, are like the vats bacta is grown in, and contain live cultures, so they don’t need to be re-filled.  It was a hell of a thing for the rebellion to accquire, but ultimately more cost-effective than trying to re-supply constantly.

Also, if you just sort of convert credits into USD, bacta is only slightly more expensive by the ounce than really good lube is.

4. to the half-dozen people int the tags freaking out that: YOU CAN’T JUST GROW A MEDICALLY IMPORTANT THING IN YOUR TUB!!!!

Guys, growing bacteria cultures is literally the easiest thing ever.  Just don’t do the dishes for a week.  No, really, growing bacteria for human consumption is a thing humans have been doing since probably three weeks after intentionally farming crops was discovered.

I have a red-wine-vinegar culture in an extra-large mason jar in my pantry right now.  His name is Steve, and I gave him a bottle of two-buck-chuck three months ago and give him a skimming every week or so.   Mom has a sourdough culture in the fridge back home.

This is easier than houseplants, and WAY easier than trying to brew your own booze, which has got fermentation, extraction AND the potential to explode on you, but people all over the world have been doing that with a remarkable level of safety since forever.

Like, it requires some know-how and probably a sterile container, but i promise IT’S NOT HARD AND REALLY FUN.

5. MIXING SPICE INTO BACTA

So, if Bacta is a microbial agent suspended in extra-thick Saline with vitamins, why not put other stuff in?  Especially if you were already in the Spice Trade, why not make a value-added product.  It’s not popularly discussed, but pretty much all banned drugs in the US have medicinal properties- IN REALLY SMALL DOSES. So while adding a lot of product to your bacta is probably a waste/going to kill someone, adding small amounts might get you something medically valuable.

To the one person in the tags concerned about “Pineapple Express” being a treatment of PTSD- yes, PTSD is a complicated disorder than needs probably both meds and therapy.  The name was a joke about my cousin’s favorite marijuana strain for treating his, and how it’s a pun about the smell.  Psychoactive compounds in Bacta would probably be very symptom-specific (anti-seizure, anti-anxiety, sedative, etc), and would not be a substitute for the therapy that like 90% of the galaxy needs.  But! It would be helpful perhaps, in treating people who have received traumatic injuries, to prevent them developing the disorder.

It DOES have an issue of any mutant strains of bacta could cause serious issues, like cancer or unwanted limbs, so there’s probably development of a bacta-killing counteragent in case of decontamination.  It’s the rebellion’s MOST secret project, both because they don’t want the empire releasing THAT on the galaxy, and because you start talking about drug-resistance and the military/diplomatic type’s eyes begin to glaze over.

6. BACTA AND THE LACK OF ADEQUATE MEDICAL CARE IN STAR WARS

So… anyone who knows anything about birth, probably saw episode three and went THAT’S NOT HOW ANY OF THAT FUCKING WORKS.  We can talk about how Lucas maybe doesn’t know how uteri work, but if we take everyone’s spectacular incompetence there as a deliberate world-building choice… it kinda fits.

See, Earth, right now, has the GFFA’s ass kicked, in terms of potential available medical care.  We have all manner of surgery that seems to be absent- like facial reconstructions and c-sections.  

The Blue Shadow Virus was a serious concern in TCW, despite the fact that they knew what the virus was (the talk of a major outbreak starts BEFORE they know it;s been modified)  Do they not have vaccinations in SW?  

In Shatterpoint, Mace Windu ruminates on how a breakdown of sanitation on Harun-Kal has resulted in the outbreak of many diseases like dysentery and pneumonia, which people die from, despite having access to a hospital.  

There’s also some debate to the average expected lifespan in SW: wookiepedia and other sources cite 120-150 as being average for humans, but the low age of consent (15 in the civilized parts), lack of secondary educational institutions and relative youth of most of the protagonists suggests that life in the GFFA is rather short. Besides a handful of force-users, there are no humanoid characters in SW over the age of 60. (and I’m 90% sure the force is pulling some life-extending BS with it’s favorite toys, but that’s another post)

MY THEORY:  because bacta (and previously, Kolto) ARE so effective at treating traumatic injury, it’s kind of sapped a lot of the demand for medical advancement in SW.  Lots of modern surgical technique was developed in response to wartime injuries, which led later on to studies like orthopedics and oncology and the like.  In a universe where people live “long enough” if they make it off the battlefield in less than three pieces, medical science lags behind due to lack of demand and opportunities to experiment.

ADDITIONALLY, as was brought up in the tags, the Jedi have been progressively losing their ability to heal using the force.  Partly, i think from Bacta serving as such an effective crutch that Healing is gradually removed from the syllabus and replaced with more lightsabers/murderology, partly from the creep of the Dark Side, and partly from people with the know-how getting killed off.

So yeah, magical healing juice? Not so great for civilization.

7. FUN PROHIBITION STUFF

Ok, first of all, I’m so glad so many of you think “Uncle Jesse’s Extra-Viscosity Varmint Grease” Is funny because I thought of it at 4AM while on cold medicine and laughed way too much.  Varmint Grease comes from eastern Ohio, heartland of the northern redneck, and is used when you gotta squeeze under the porch or behind the water heater because the goddang skunk is back.  (It also makes an appearance in Futurama and I promise whoever wrote that joke is from Ohio)

Think of all the objects that get misappropriated to smuggle Bacta: Kids lunch boxes, fuel carries, imperial plumbing, some jackass carves compartments out in the doors of their speeders, which works great until they leave it out in the sun and the stuff sort of melts everywhere, doing exciting things to the upholstery.

Smugglers would also have to disguise the scent from customs officials with all manner of interesting things.  Like mint, which gives you an exciting sort of tingle if you’re one of those deviants that uses it as lube, or possibly vanilla.  Do not disguise scents with vanilla, it’s more potent than you think.

“Why does this ship smell like a bakery?”  Asks some dumbfounded official to the smugglers, who then produce the cookies they had to learn how to bake to explain why their ship smells like the Pillsbury doughboy’s asshole.

Their Pineapple-vanilla clusters turn out to be a great side business tho.

Florida’s Wizarding School

So @your-bvcky and @bellafarallones made an amazing post about some ideas for other non-Ilvermorny American wizarding schools. Here’s the link. Read the whole thing and submit what you want to them because it’s v good.

But I’m a born-and-raised Florida boy, and I have this weird pride of my state, so naturally I had to go crazy about details of their Florida school. Here’s what the said:

Everglades Witchcraft Academy

  • Florida has its own school because, well, it’s Florida.  you know how it is.
  • located, obviously, in the Everglades swamps
  • originally witches only, hence the name, but became co-ed during the Civil War when wizards wanted to escape Confederate military service by going into hiding
  • one of the last schools to desegregate, second only to Appalachia
  • alligators as pets technically are against school rules but again, it’s Florida.  almost half the student population has pet gators.  a mess.
  • partially underwater- it helps the school stay cool in the Florida heat
  • a family of swamp apes (essentially, smelly florida bigfoots) lives on school grounds.  they keep no-majs out, but it smells really bad, so it’s a trade off

So here’s what I have to add:

GENERAL

  • MOSQUITOES. The everglades is out the wazoo full of mosquitoes. there would have to be protection from that. I imagine a spell, like a lower-level version of that protector one they used in HP7.2 against the death eaters
  • i imagine the skunk apes acting like a muggle security team, with walkies and stuff and taking WAY TOO MUCH pride in it all. like they set up snares and misdirections to keep the no-majs away
  • the head of security (and patriarch of the family) is a big guy named Sakbilanee (brown arm), Socky for short. He plays tough, but he really loves the kids. He pretends to get mad at their troublemaking, but students will also find candy and treats on their beds with mysterious clumps of hair nearby
  • so florida is like 90% water, right? there are rivers and canals and springs and underwater aquifers flowing all over the state and almost all of them lead to the everglades. So like i’m thinking: what if they have a floo powder system with the waterways in FL? So they have an existing system or they use powder or a spell and they jump into the St. Johns river or a spring near Gainesville, and they flow through the groundwater and pop up outside the school
  • EWA is the most diverse of all the schools. Miami alone has huge populations of black, afro-caribbean, latinx, white, and seminole people. So EWA would have to be just as diverse
  • everything is in English and spanish. A lot of things are in haitian creole and muscogee (seminole/miccosukee language) as well.
  • There is a HUGE history and influence from the seminole and spanish history in florida
  • racism is unfortunately a big issue still, what with a lot of central and northern florida being redneck farmers
  • EWA has a strong independent vibe, based on the whole confederacy thing, but mostly from the Seminole Wars
  • Some kids from the bayou of Louisiana, and southern mississippi, alabam, and georgia opt to go to EWA instead of the Apalachian school

HISTORY

  • EWA has its roots in the Calusa tribe, but has switched hands between Calusa, Spanish, Seminole, and now American multiple times
  • It started more as a community thing for fostering medicine men, but developed into a full-blown school
  • there used to be a boy’s school outside of St. Augustine: St. Augustine Academy of Wizardy (La Academia de Magia de San Augustino). This dissolved around the time of the civil war, hence the integration of EWA soon after
  • SAAW has its roots in the Timucua tribe, with a similar style to early EWA. The overly religious spanish destroyed it along with the Timucua, but some Spaniards found it in the 1700s and re-established it.
  • SAAW was the site of a big Magical Civil War battle, and that’s how the school was ultimately lost
  • I disagree about the desegregating thing (one of my only disagreements). Florida is in the south, but it’s like weird and diverse and stuff. I imagine pre-1900s (when the east coast railroad connected the north and south of the state), EWA was mostly native in its population. and that’s why it was chill about boys joining sometimes. SAAW was the strict european BOYS ONLY school
  • The school still keeps its seminole heritage at its core, and it was a hub of protecting both magical and mundane seminole during the Seminole Wars

SCHOOL

  • Instead of a big castle or singular building, EWA is a collection of close-together buildings. This minimizes the effect on the swamp and allows for different style rooms for different classes
  • Parts of the school are above the water on stilts. some of them, like the care of magical creatures classrooms, have glass bottoms to allow for observation of the swamp below
  • Conservation is HUGE here. No-maj science isn’t really taught, but there is a Hydro-Magic class that teaches a lot of similar subjects, but with a magical twist
  • some parts of the school are entirely underwater –> they provide Blue Palmetto (a magical cousin of the saw palmetto) berries that provide a similar effect to gillyweed
  • other parts of the school are above the water, but occasionally experience flooding, whoops
  • students and staff canoe or kayak or airboat between rooms
  • sometimes some of the older students steal the airboat and go on joyrides, much to the chagrin of the skunk apes and staff (except Socky, who knows how much fun it is)
  • the dorms and bedrooms are located in large stilt houses. boy’s and girl’s dorms are on opposite sides of the school, but that doesn’t really do much, especially with all the gay kids
  • Years 1-4 and 5-7 are kept mostly separate, except for sleeping
  • sleeping areas are organized vaguely like dorms in colleges, with RAs and such.
  • There is a special Magical History of Florida class offered as an elective. It’s become quite popular now, mostly becauseof its professor, Isabella Bowlegs, a half-Seminole half-Cuban former Chief of International Affairs in MACUSA
  • The school used to be divided by Seminole Clans (similar to how houses are divided in Hogwarts, but these are cultural familial bonds). With all the non-native people now at the school, the clans are no longer used, but there are still plenty of leftover vestiges of when they were used.
  • The clans are: panther, bear, deer, bigtown, wind, bird, snake, and otter

MONSTERS

  • Skunk Apes: these are sentient, kinda like giants in Europe, but nicer. They just want to be left alone usually, but they’re mostly friendly
  • Black Gators (Alpatalochee): kinda self-explanatory, but also like 25 feet long. Students often ride and race some of the more domesticated ones
  • Swamp Lightning: essentially mullet on steroids. They’re bigger (like 4 feet long) and can travel at ridiculous speeds
  • Stikini: were-Owls. Treated similarly to werewolves in Britain. They used to be a lot worse,b ut now you hardly hear about them
  • Tie-Snake: highly venomous snakes that drown humans and other large game. Socky and his Skunk Apes are experts at trapping and wrangling these bad boys
  • Water Panthers: similar to Mishebishw of the Midwest. Essentially a panther that lives entirely underwater. A deadly beast, but they mostly stay away
  • Island Turtles: GIANT seafaring turtles
  • Long-ears: long-eared wolf creatures. Not that big of a threat. The Skunk Apes keep a pack as pets/security help
  • Fastachee: corn dwarfs. Not found as much in the swamp, but pretty common on dry land. Kinda like pixies, but nice
  • Little Thunders: large, pixie-bird hybrids that can generate lightning. Mostly just troublemakers
  • Merpeople (Nakni Okee): there are two subspecies: Oceanic and Swamp. The Oceanic are similar to the ones seen in Harry potter. The Swamp have two legs, but each leg ends in a fin. Many believe the two subspecies are not actually genetically related at all
  • Sea Serpents: another common racing animal
  • Caribbean Kraken
  • Muck Monster (Muckos): a manatee-like hybrid living in swamps and lagoons near the coast
  • Chupacabra: actually a lot more of an annoyance than anything else. Like everyone else in the country always freaks out about them, and the EWA students are like “what”
  • Mountain Cows: basically just really big cows. their milk does woders for everything from headaches to a runny nose

STAFF

  • Head Principal: Tamara Woodley - a powerful black witch, whose family has gone to EWA for at least 6 generations. She’s a former potions teacher
  • Chief of Upper School: Daniel Howard - the son of a Seminole medicine man, and the current Care of Magical Creatures. He and Socky grew up together, and they’re a dangerous duo on holidays. Don’t get too close when they start their fireworks shows. He’s a cool guy, but you’ve gotta keep up a level of respect with him or else he will NOT like you
  • Chief of Lower School: Linda Ferrier - She used to work at Ilvermorny teaching Transfiguration, until her wife Charlize got a job working for Disney. Yes, Charlize is a No-Maj. No, they don’t give a damn about what MACUSA says, they can come and fight them.
  • I already mentioned everyone’s favorite: Isabella Bowlegs
  • And everyone’s least favorite: Tomas Gonsalves - he’s the Hydro-Magic professor and honestly he’s a brilliant man, but jesus christ he’s just like a huge dickwad


i THINK that’s everything I can think of. I’ll probably think of something as soon as i post this though. Anyways, thank you so much to @your-bvcky and @bellafarallones for your original post and jumping off point. Maybe one of these days JKR will get something right about American wizardry

anonymous asked:

Human AU where Tex and Lou are trying to adopt Oak, York is their lawyer who is also dating Tex's sibling, Cal, and is also rivals with fellow lawyer, Mass. Queb is Lou's Canadian cousin. Virginia is running for town mayor or something, Wis is the town's northern redneck who's dating Mont, who works for the police department. Geo and SC are also police officers. Flo is that one really weird but awesome teacher, Conn is the nerdy professorial teacher, the Dakotas are the trouble students...

Florida is that weird old dude with the crazy stories down the street

You know you live in a redneck town when..

You pull up to that beat up old gas station in town with like 2 pumps (or 2 functioning ones) and before you have even paid gas starts spraying all over the place from the nozzle so some redneck kid pulls up in his lifted Ford F-250 rust bucket with the bumper falling off with his gf (that I knew from school) and I’m like wtf it’s spraying everywhere and he’s like “well fuck it, run it! Extra gas! Put that bitch in there!” And I’m laughing like omg this town and they hop in the truck and he just yells “yee yee! Revs the engine and spins out with the confederate flag flapping on the back of his truck.. Gosh I love this town 😂

youtube

Fuck yes! Northern rednecks