nor will she ever be

Friend: “Hey, I haven’t seen you in forever! how are you?”

me: “Fine, thanks.”

Lemony Snicket from outta nowhere: “Of course, in this case, ‘fine’ is only meant to reassure. She has never been less fine, nor was she ever fine in the first place. Here, the word ‘fine’ could be defined as ‘I am actually slowly dying on the inside, but don’t wish for anyone to worry’.

What is a story you have been dying to tell?

When I was 15 years old, I ran away from home because I was pissed off at my parents for a reason I cant remember. I didnt have much money, so I decided to hop onto the skytrain(public transport train in British Columbia) and ride it as far as it would go. I reached the end of the line in less then an hour, and decided I wanted to ride it all the way back again, while trying to formulate some kind of plan of how I wanted to live the rest of my life without my parents or anyone. At the last stop, or the first stop depending on your perspective of it, a girl came on and sat in the row right behind me. I didnt pay much attention to her at first, as I was busy writing my life plan on a napkin. It was a few minutes later that she got up and came sat next to me, curious as to what I was writing. I told her the story, and after a few laughs, we began talking about everything and anything. Her name was Amanda, 17 years old, and absolutely wonderful. She told me she was getting off at the last stop, which was also the first stop, depending on how you look at it. It was also the stop I had gotten on originally, and I told her we would ride to it together. The train ride took less then an hour, and what a wonderful hour indeed.

When the last stop did come, we both knew we probably wouldnt see each other ever again(this was before the days of cellphones, and I was a shy little kid afraid to make moves). As we got to the end of the sidewalk which split in two different directions, she went right and I went left. Before saying goodbye she turned to me and asked me a question that has become a wonderful part of my life; she asked me, “Tell me something you have done, or want to do, that you think I should do? It can be anything, as challenging as you want it to be, or as easy. As long as you give me the rest of my life to complete it, I promise I will do it..” I was confused as to why, but I thought about it, and told her, “Sing a song acapella in a room full of strangers.” She said perfect and asked me if I would like a challenge as well. I told her I did, and she told me, “read, from start to finish, “Ulysses” by James Joyce.” I had never heard of it at the time, but I agreed, and we said our goodbyes.

I have a awful memory, and cant remember most conversations I have with most people. But I remember all of that clearly. You know why? Because of the challenge she gave me. In the 12 years that have past since, I have tried to read that book in over 150 different sittings. Everytime I open my copy of the 780 page monster of a book, I always think of her, and I always think of that day. Ive never been sure if it was her intent or not, but she left her lasting memory on me with that challenge. I soon after learned what she did, was a completey wonderful and amazing thing for me. So I decided to keep it going. Ive met a lot of strangers in my life; some that have become friends, and some, due to living in different time zones and whatnot, didnt. I dont want to just have experiences and then let them go. I want to remember these meetings, and embrace the fact that they happened. So whenever I leave someone who has left an amazing impact of my life, I always make sure to add them to my Ulysses Bucket List. I ask them to give me a challenge, as difficult or as easy as they want it to be, and regardless of the fact that they have done it or not; simply something their heart has had wanted to do.

Some have been easy and fun; I met a man in India 9 years ago who told me to, for a week or a month, cook/buy twice as much food as I intend on eating, and give the other half to a stranger in need. I completed that mission 8 years ago, and thought about that man and the time we had all the way through. I met a girl on a cruise 6 years ago, who told me to jump into a body of water on a slightly cold day, without touching or feeling the temperature of the water first. I did that the very same year. I met a couple at an outdoor music festival a few years ago that told me to wear the most bizarre outfit imaginable and walk through a public place, completely oblivious to the fact that you arent looking normal. I did that task the very next day, at the same festival. Some have been difficult, to say the least: three guys I met in Amsterdam and smoked all night with, told me to go to a mall and give 10 strangers 10 presents. That one took a lot of courage, but I did it a year or so after I met them. It was nerve racking, but at the same time exhilerating leaving my comfort zone. A girl I met on a plane told me to sky dive; Im still in the process of getting that done. A couple I met in Cali on the beach told me to tell the 5 people I hated the most, that I love them and respect them. That one was very difficult because of my stubborness, but ive come close to completing that list many a times(still in the process, 2 more people to go).

And some things, have had an everlasting impact on my daily life. I met a girl at a music festival, who told me that whenever I get mad at someone, walk away, sing my happy song in my head for 5 minutes, go back to the person im mad at with a clam heart and mind, and work things out. Ive made this my way of life. I once met a man at a gym in a hotel I was staying at, that told me “whenever your body and brain tells your that you are exhausted and done…use your heart instead and push out 2 more reps.” Ive made this my motto when working out or working on any kind of extrenuating exercise in which my body demands me to quit. I also use it while working on anything, and while studying. One of the best pieces of advice ive ever received.

There are many others that each brought joy to my life. There are still many tasks I have yet to accomplish, and everytime I think of these tasks, I think of the people that gave them to me. It amazes me how well I remember all these people, while I cant remember so many aspects of even yesterday. These experiences, not only do I take from them a “mission” or a “challenge”, I also take from them a memory of them that never fails to appear inside of my mind. I opened my Ulysses book for probably the 300th time yesterday, and read a few pages, which prompted me to share this story with you today. Im in the final 30 pages of the book, also known as the most dreaded of the read(in the last 40 pages or so, James Joyce doesnt use a single punctuation mark; no periods, no commas, no nothing; a straight 50 page run-on sentence).

I never saw Amanda after that day, nor do I know if she ever did get a chance to sing a song to a room full of strangers. But what I do know, is that she gave me a gift that has never once stopped giving. So wherever you may be, thank you for giving me the Ulysses Bucket List. And I swear i’ll finish it one day. My life advice? Simple: Create your own Ulysses bucket list.

Characteristics of Narcissistic Mothers

** I decided to just post this directly on the blog because I believe every person who has an abusive mother should read this.

1. Everything she does is deniable.

There is always a facile excuse or an explanation. Cruelties are couched in loving terms. Aggressive and hostile acts are paraded as thoughtfulness. Selfish manipulations are presented as gifts. Criticism and slander is slyly disguised as concern. She only wants what is best for you. She only wants to help you.

She rarely says right out that she thinks you’re inadequate. Instead, any time that you tell her you’ve done something good, she counters with something your sibling did that was better or she simply ignores you or she hears you out without saying anything, then in a short time does something cruel to you so you understand not to get above yourself. She will carefully separate cause (your joy in your accomplishment) from effect (refusing to let you borrow the car to go to the awards ceremony) by enough time that someone who didn’t live through her abuse would never believe the connection.

Many of her putdowns are simply by comparison. She’ll talk about how wonderful someone else is or what a wonderful job they did on something you’ve also done or how highly she thinks of them. The contrast is left up to you. She has let you know that you’re no good without saying a word. She’ll spoil your pleasure in something by simply congratulating you for it in an angry, envious voice that conveys how unhappy she is, again, completely deniably. It is impossible to confront someone over their tone of voice, their demeanor or the way they look at you, but once your narcissistic mother has you trained, she can promise terrible punishment without a word. As a result, you’re always afraid, always in the wrong, and can never exactly put your finger on why.

Because her abusiveness is part of a lifelong campaign of control and because she is careful to rationalize her abuse, it is extremely difficult to explain to other people what is so bad about her. She’s also careful about when and how she engages in her abuses. She’s very secretive, a characteristic of almost all abusers (“Don’t wash our dirty laundry in public!”) and will punish you for telling anyone else what she’s done. The times and locations of her worst abuses are carefully chosen so that no one who might intervene will hear or see her bad behavior, and she will seem like a completely different person in public. She’ll slam you to other people, but will always embed her devaluing nuggets of snide gossip in protestations of concern, love and understanding (“I feel so sorry for poor Cynthia. She always seems to have such a hard time, but I just don’t know what I can do for her!”) As a consequence the children of narcissists universally report that no one believes them (“I have to tell you that she always talks about YOU in the most caring way!). Unfortunately therapists, given the deniable actions of the narcissist and eager to defend a fellow parent, will often jump to the narcissist’s defense as well, reinforcing your sense of isolation and helplessness ("I’m sure she didn’t mean it like that!”)


2. She violates your boundaries.

You feel like an extension of her. Your property is given away without your consent, sometimes in front of you. Your food is eaten off your plate or given to others off your plate. Your property may be repossessed and no reason given other than that it was never yours. Your time is committed without consulting you, and opinions purported to be yours are expressed for you. (She LOVES going to the fair! He would never want anything like that. She wouldn’t like kumquats.) You are discussed in your presence as though you are not there. She keeps tabs on your bodily functions and humiliates you by divulging the information she gleans, especially when it can be used to demonstrate her devotion and highlight her martyrdom to your needs (“Mike had that problem with frequent urination too, only his was much worse. I was so worried about him!”) You have never known what it is like to have privacy in the bathroom or in your bedroom, and she goes through your things regularly. She asks nosy questions, snoops into your email/letters/diary/conversations. She will want to dig into your feelings, particularly painful ones and is always looking for negative information on you which can be used against you. She does things against your expressed wishes frequently. All of this is done without seeming embarrassment or thought.

Any attempt at autonomy on your part is strongly resisted. Normal rites of passage (learning to shave, wearing makeup, dating) are grudgingly allowed only if you insist, and you’re punished for your insistence (“Since you’re old enough to date, I think you’re old enough to pay for your own clothes!”) If you demand age-appropriate clothing, grooming, control over your own life, or rights, you are difficult and she ridicules your “independence.”


3. She favoritizes.

Narcissistic mothers commonly choose one (sometimes more) child to be the golden child and one (sometimes more) to be the scapegoat. The narcissist identifies with the golden child and provides privileges to him or her as long as the golden child does just as she wants. The golden child has to be cared for assiduously by everyone in the family. The scapegoat has no needs and instead gets to do the caring. The golden child can do nothing wrong. The scapegoat is always at fault. This creates divisions between the children, one of whom has a large investment in the mother being wise and wonderful, and the other(s) who hate her. That division will be fostered by the narcissist with lies and with blatantly unfair and favoritizing behavior. The golden child will defend the mother and indirectly perpetuate the abuse by finding reasons to blame the scapegoat for the mother’s actions. The golden child may also directly take on the narcissistic mother’s tasks by physically abusing the scapegoat so the narcissistic mother doesn’t have to do that herself.


4. She undermines.

Your accomplishments are acknowledged only to the extent that she can take credit for them. Any success or accomplishment for which she cannot take credit is ignored or diminished. Any time you are to be center stage and there is no opportunity for her to be the center of attention, she will try to prevent the occasion altogether, or she doesn’t come, or she leaves early, or she acts like it’s no big deal, or she steals the spotlight or she slips in little wounding comments about how much better someone else did or how what you did wasn’t as much as you could have done or as you think it is. She undermines you by picking fights with you or being especially unpleasant just before you have to make a major effort. She acts put out if she has to do anything to support your opportunities or will outright refuse to do even small things in support of you. She will be nasty to you about things that are peripherally connected with your successes so that you find your joy in what you’ve done is tarnished, without her ever saying anything directly about it. No matter what your success, she has to take you down a peg about it.


5. She demeans, criticizes and denigrates.

She lets you know in all sorts of little ways that she thinks less of you than she does of your siblings or of other people in general. If you complain about mistreatment by someone else, she will take that person’s side even if she doesn’t know them at all. She doesn’t care about those people or the justice of your complaints. She just wants to let you know that you’re never right.

She will deliver generalized barbs that are almost impossible to rebut (always in a loving, caring tone): “You were always difficult” “You can be very difficult to love” “You never seemed to be able to finish anything” “You were very hard to live with” “You’re always causing trouble” “No one could put up with the things you do.” She will deliver slams in a sidelong way - for example she’ll complain about how “no one” loves her, does anything for her, or cares about her, or she’ll complain that “everyone” is so selfish, when you’re the only person in the room. As always, this combines criticism with deniability.

She will slip little comments into conversation that she really enjoyed something she did with someone else - something she did with you too, but didn’t like as much. She’ll let you know that her relationship with some other person you both know is wonderful in a way your relationship with her isn’t - the carefully unspoken message being that you don’t matter much to her.

She minimizes, discounts or ignores your opinions and experiences. Your insights are met with condescension, denials and accusations (“I think you read too much!”) and she will brush off your information even on subjects on which you are an acknowledged expert. Whatever you say is met with smirks and amused sounding or exaggerated exclamations (“Uh hunh!” “You don’t say!” “Really!”). She’ll then make it clear that she didn’t listen to a word you said.


6. She makes you look crazy.

If you try to confront her about something she’s done, she’ll tell you that you have “a very vivid imagination” (this is a phrase commonly used by abusers of all sorts to invalidate your experience of their abuse) that you don’t know what you’re talking about, or that she has no idea what you’re talking about. She will claim not to remember even very memorable events, flatly denying they ever happened, nor will she ever acknowledge any possibility that she might have forgotten. This is an extremely aggressive and exceptionally infuriating tactic called “gaslighting,” common to abusers of all kinds. Your perceptions of reality are continually undermined so that you end up without any confidence in your intuition, your memory or your powers of reasoning. This makes you a much better victim for the abuser.

Narcissists gaslight routinely. The narcissist will either insinuate or will tell you outright that you’re unstable, otherwise you wouldn’t believe such ridiculous things or be so uncooperative. You’re oversensitive. You’re imagining things. You’re hysterical. You’re completely unreasonable. You’re over-reacting, like you always do. She’ll talk to you when you’ve calmed down and aren’t so irrational. She may even characterize you as being neurotic or psychotic.

Once she’s constructed these fantasies of your emotional pathologies, she’ll tell others about them, as always, presenting her smears as expressions of concern and declaring her own helpless victimhood. She didn’t do anything. She has no idea why you’re so irrationally angry with her. You’ve hurt her terribly. She thinks you may need psychotherapy. She loves you very much and would do anything to make you happy, but she just doesn’t know what to do. You keep pushing her away when all she wants to do is help you.

She has simultaneously absolved herself of any responsibility for your obvious antipathy towards her, implied that it’s something fundamentally wrong with you that makes you angry with her, and undermined your credibility with her listeners. She plays the role of the doting mother so perfectly that no one will believe you.


7. She’s envious.

Any time you get something nice she’s angry and envious and her envy will be apparent when she admires whatever it is. She’ll try to get it from you, spoil it for you, or get the same or better for herself. She’s always working on ways to get what other people have. The envy of narcissistic mothers often includes competing sexually with their daughters or daughters-in-law. They’ll attempt to forbid their daughters to wear makeup, to groom themselves in an age-appropriate way or to date. They will criticize the appearance of their daughters and daughters-in-law. This envy extends to relationships. Narcissistic mothers infamously attempt to damage their children’s marriages and interfere in the upbringing of their grandchildren.


8. She’s a liar in too many ways to count.

Any time she talks about something that has emotional significance for her, it’s a fair bet that she’s lying. Lying is one way that she creates conflict in the relationships and lives of those around her - she’ll lie to them about what other people have said, what they’ve done, or how they feel. She’ll lie about her relationship with them, about your behavior or about your situation in order to inflate herself and to undermine your credibility.

The narcissist is very careful about how she lies. To outsiders she’ll lie thoughtfully and deliberately, always in a way that can be covered up if she’s confronted with her lie. She spins what you said rather than makes something up wholesale. She puts dishonest interpretations on things you actually did. If she’s recently done something particularly egregious she may engage in preventative lying: she lies in advance to discount what you might say before you even say it. Then when you talk about what she did you’ll be cut off with “I already know all about it…your mother told me… (self-justifications and lies).” Because she is so careful about her deniability, it may be very hard to catch her in her lies and the more gullible of her friends may never realize how dishonest she is.

To you, she’ll lie blatantly. She will claim to be unable to remember bad things she has done, even if she did one of them recently and even if it was something very memorable. Of course, if you try to jog her memory by recounting the circumstances “You have a very vivid imagination” or “That was so long ago. Why do you have to dredge up your old grudges?” Your conversations with her are full of casual brush-offs and diversionary lies and she doesn’t respect you enough to bother making it sound good. For example she’ll start with a self-serving lie: “If I don’t take you as a dependent on my taxes I’ll lose three thousand dollars!” You refute her lie with an obvious truth: “No, three thousand dollars is the amount of the dependent exemption. You’ll only lose about eight hundred dollars.” Her response: “Isn’t that what I said?” You are now in a game with only one rule: You can’t win.

On the rare occasions she is forced to acknowledge some bad behavior, she will couch the admission deniably. She “guesses” that “maybe” she “might have” done something wrong. The wrongdoing is always heavily spun and trimmed to make it sound better. The words “I guess,” “maybe,” and “might have” are in and of themselves lies because she knows exactly what she did - no guessing, no might haves, no maybes.


9. She has to be the center of attention all the time.

This need is a defining trait of narcissists and particularly of narcissistic mothers for whom their children exist to be sources of attention and adoration. Narcissistic mothers love to be waited on and often pepper their children with little requests. “While you’re up…” or its equivalent is one of their favorite phrases. You couldn’t just be assigned a chore at the beginning of the week or of the day, instead, you had to do it on demand, preferably at a time that was inconvenient for you, or you had to “help” her do it, fetching and carrying for her while she made up to herself for the menial work she had to do as your mother by glorying in your attentions.

A narcissistic mother may create odd occasions at which she can be the center of attention, such as memorials for someone close to her who died long ago, or major celebrations of small personal milestones. She may love to entertain so she can be the life of her own party. She will try to steal the spotlight or will try to spoil any occasion where someone else is the center of attention, particularly the child she has cast as the scapegoat. She often invites herself along where she isn’t welcome. If she visits you or you visit her, you are required to spend all your time with her. Entertaining herself is unthinkable. She has always pouted, manipulated or raged if you tried to do anything without her, didn’t want to entertain her, refused to wait on her, stymied her plans for a drama or otherwise deprived her of attention.

Older narcissistic mothers often use the natural limitations of aging to manipulate dramas, often by neglecting their health or by doing things they know will make them ill. This gives them the opportunity to cash in on the investment they made when they trained you to wait on them as a child. Then they call you (or better still, get the neighbor or the nursing home administrator to call you) demanding your immediate attendance. You are to rush to her side, pat her hand, weep over her pain and listen sympathetically to her unending complaints about how hard and awful it is. (“Never get old!”) It’s almost never the case that you can actually do anything useful, and the causes of her disability may have been completely avoidable, but you’ve been put in an extremely difficult position. If you don’t provide the audience and attention she’s manipulating to get, you look extremely bad to everyone else and may even have legal culpability. (Narcissistic behaviors commonly accompany Alzheimer’s disease, so this behavior may also occur in perfectly normal mothers as they age.)


10. She manipulates your emotions in order to feed on your pain.

This exceptionally sick and bizarre behavior is so common among narcissistic mothers that their children often call them “emotional vampires.” Some of this emotional feeding comes in the form of pure sadism. She does and says things just to be wounding or she engages in tormenting teasing or she needles you about things you’re sensitive about, all the while a smile plays over her lips. She may have taken you to scary movies or told you horrifying stories, then mocked you for being a baby when you cried; she will slip a wounding comment into conversation and smile delightedly into your hurt face. You can hear the laughter in her voice as she pressures you or says distressing things to you. Later she’ll gloat over how much she upset you, gaily telling other people that you’re so much fun to tease, and recruiting others to share in her amusement. . She enjoys her cruelties and makes no effort to disguise that. She wants you to know that your pain entertains her. She may bring up subjects that are painful for you and probe you about them, all the while watching you carefully. This is emotional vampirism in its purest form. She’s feeding emotionally off your pain.

A peculiar form of this emotional vampirism combines attention-seeking behavior with a demand that the audience suffer. Since narcissistic mothers often play the martyr this may take the form of wrenching, self-pitying dramas which she carefully produces, and in which she is the star performer. She sobs and wails that no one loves her and everyone is so selfish, and she doesn’t want to live, she wants to die! She wants to die! She will not seem to care how much the manipulation of their emotions and the self-pity repels other people. One weird behavior that is very common to narcissists: her dramas may also center around the tragedies of other people, often relating how much she suffered by association and trying to distress her listeners, as she cries over the horrible murder of someone she wouldn’t recognize if they had passed her on the street.


11. She’s selfish and willful.

She always makes sure she has the best of everything. She insists on having her own way all the time and she will ruthlessly, manipulatively pursue it, even if what she wants isn’t worth all the effort she’s putting into it and even if that effort goes far beyond normal behavior. She will make a huge effort to get something you denied her, even if it was entirely your right to do so and even if her demand was selfish and unreasonable. If you tell her she cannot bring her friends to your party she will show up with them anyway, and she will have told them that they were invited so that you either have to give in, or be the bad guy to these poor dupes on your doorstep. If you tell her she can’t come over to your house tonight she’ll call your spouse and try get him or her to agree that she can, and to not say anything to you about it because it’s a “surprise.” She has to show you that you can’t tell her “no.”

One near-universal characteristic of narcissists: because they are so selfish and self-centered, they are very bad gift givers. They’ll give you hand-me-downs or market things for themselves as gifts for you (“I thought I’d give you my old bicycle and buy myself a new one!” “I know how much you love Italian food, so I’m going to take you to my favorite restaurant for your birthday!”) New gifts are often obviously cheap and are usually things that don’t suit you or that you can’t use or are a quid pro quo: if you buy her the gift she wants, she will buy you an item of your choice. She’ll make it clear that it pains her to give you anything. She may buy you a gift and get the identical item for herself, or take you shopping for a gift and get herself something nice at the same time to make herself feel better.


12. She’s self-absorbed.

Her feelings, needs and wants are very important; yours are insignificant to the point that her least whim takes precedence over your most basic needs. Her problems deserve your immediate and full attention; yours are brushed aside. Her wishes always take precedence; if she does something for you, she reminds you constantly of her munificence in doing so and will often try to extract some sort of payment. She will complain constantly, even though your situation may be much worse than hers. If you point that out, she will effortlessly, thoughtlessly brush it aside as of no importance (It’s easy for you… / It’s different for you…).


13. She is insanely defensive and is extremely sensitive to any criticism.

If you criticize her or defy her she will explode with fury, threaten, storm, rage, destroy and may become violent, beating, confining, putting her child outdoors in bad weather or otherwise engaging in classic physical abuse.


14. She terrorizes.

For all abusers, fear is a powerful means of control of the victim, and your narcissistic mother used it ruthlessly to train you. Narcissists teach you to beware their wrath even when they aren’t present. The only alternative is constant placation. If you give her everything she wants all the time, you might be spared. If you don’t, the punishments will come. Even adult children of narcissists still feel that carefully inculcated fear. Your narcissistic mother can turn it on with a silence or a look that tells the child in you she’s thinking about how she’s going to get even.

Not all narcissists abuse physically, but most do, often in subtle, deniable ways. It allows them to vent their rage at your failure to be the solution to their internal havoc and simultaneously to teach you to fear them. You may not have been beaten, but you were almost certainly left to endure physical pain when a normal mother would have made an effort to relieve your misery. This deniable form of battery allows her to store up her rage and dole out the punishment at a later time when she’s worked out an airtight rationale for her abuse, so she never risks exposure. You were left hungry because “you eat too much.” (Someone asked her if she was pregnant. She isn’t). You always went to school with stomach flu because “you don’t have a fever. You’re just trying to get out of school.” (She resents having to take care of you. You have a lot of nerve getting sick and adding to her burdens.) She refuses to look at your bloody heels and instead the shoes that wore those blisters on your heels are put back on your feet and you’re sent to the store in them because “You wanted those shoes. Now you can wear them.” (You said the ones she wanted to get you were ugly. She liked them because they were just like what she wore 30 years ago). The dentist was told not to give you Novocain when he drilled your tooth because “he has to learn to take better care of his teeth.” (She has to pay for a filling and she’s furious at having to spend money on you.)

Narcissistic mothers also abuse by loosing others on you or by failing to protect you when a normal mother would have. Sometimes the narcissist’s golden child will be encouraged to abuse the scapegoat. Narcissists also abuse by exposing you to violence. If one of your siblings got beaten, she made sure you saw. She effortlessly put the fear of Mom into you, without raising a hand.


15. She’s infantile and petty.

Narcissistic mothers are often simply childish. If you refuse to let her manipulate you into doing something, she will cry that you don’t love her because if you loved her you would do as she wanted. If you hurt her feelings she will aggressively whine to you that you’ll be sorry when she’s dead that you didn’t treat her better. These babyish complaints and responses may sound laughable, but the narcissist is dead serious about them. When you were a child, if you ask her to stop some bad behavior, she would justify it by pointing out something that you did that she feels is comparable, as though the childish behavior of a child is justification for the childish behavior of an adult. “Getting even” is a large part of her dealings with you. Anytime you fail to give her the deference, attention or service she feels she deserves, or you thwart her wishes, she has to show you.


16. She’s aggressive and shameless.

She doesn’t ask. She demands. She makes outrageous requests and she’ll take anything she wants if she thinks she can get away with it. Her demands of her children are posed in a very aggressive way, as are her criticisms. She won’t take no for an answer, pushing and arm-twisting and manipulating to get you to give in.


17. She “parentifies.”

She shed her responsibilities to you as soon as she was able, leaving you to take care of yourself as best you could. She denied you medical care, adequate clothing, necessary transportation or basic comforts that she would never have considered giving up for herself. She never gave you a birthday party or let you have sleepovers. Your friends were never welcome in her house. She didn’t like to drive you anywhere, so you turned down invitations because you had no way to get there. She wouldn’t buy your school pictures even if she could easily have afforded it. You had a niggardly clothing allowance or she bought you the cheapest clothing she could without embarrassing herself. As soon as you got a job, every request for school supplies, clothing or toiletries was met with “Now that you’re making money, why don’t you pay for that yourself?” You studied up on colleges on your own and choose a cheap one without visiting it. You signed yourself up for the SATs, earned the money to pay for them and talked someone into driving you to the test site. You worked three jobs to pay for that cheap college and when you finally got mononucleosis she chirped at you that she was “so happy you could take care of yourself.”

She also gave you tasks that were rightfully hers and should not have been placed on a child. You may have been a primary caregiver for young siblings or an incapacitated parent. You may have had responsibility for excessive household tasks. Above all, you were always her emotional caregiver which is one reason any defection from that role caused such enormous eruptions of rage. You were never allowed to be needy or have bad feelings or problems. Those experiences were only for her, and you were responsible for making it right for her. From the time you were very young she would randomly lash out at you any time she was stressed or angry with your father or felt that life was unfair to her, because it made her feel better to hurt you. You were often punished out of the blue, for manufactured offenses. As you got older she directly placed responsibility for her welfare and her emotions on you, weeping on your shoulder and unloading on you any time something went awry for her.


18. She’s exploitative.

She will manipulate to get work, money, or objects she envies out of other people for nothing. This includes her children, of course. If she set up a bank account for you, she was trustee on the account with the right to withdraw money. As you put money into it, she took it out. She may have stolen your identity. She took you as a dependent on her income taxes so you couldn’t file independently without exposing her to criminal penalties. If she made an agreement with you, it was violated the minute it no longer served her needs. If you brought it up demanding she adhere to the agreement, she brushed you off and later punished you so you would know not to defy her again.

Sometimes the narcissist will exploit a child to absorb punishment that would have been hers from an abusive partner. The husband comes home in a drunken rage, and the mother immediately complains about the child’s bad behavior so the rage is vented on to the child. Sometimes the narcissistic mother simply uses the child to keep a sick marriage intact because the alternative is being divorced or having to go to work. The child is sexually molested but the mother never notices, or worse, calls the child a liar when she tells the mother about the molestation.


19. She projects.

This sounds a little like psycho-babble, but it is something that narcissists all do. Projection means that she will put her own bad behavior, character and traits on you so she can deny them in herself and punish you. This can be very difficult to see if you have traits that she can project on to. An eating-disordered woman who obsesses over her daughter’s weight is projecting. The daughter may not realize it because she has probably internalized an absurdly thin vision of women’s weight and so accepts her mother’s projection. When the narcissist tells the daughter that she eats too much, needs to exercise more, or has to wear extra-large size clothes, the daughter believes it, even if it isn’t true. However, she will sometimes project even though it makes no sense at all. This happens when she feels shamed and needs to put it on her scapegoat child and the projection therefore comes across as being an attack out of the blue. For example: She makes an outrageous request, and you casually refuse to let her have her way. She’s enraged by your refusal and snarls at you that you’ll talk about it when you’ve calmed down and are no longer hysterical.

You aren’t hysterical at all; she is, but your refusal has made her feel the shame that should have stopped her from making shameless demands in the first place. That’s intolerable. She can transfer that shame to you and rationalize away your response: you only refused her because you’re so unreasonable. Having done that she can reassert her shamelessness and indulge her childish willfulness by turning an unequivocal refusal into a subject for further discussion. You’ll talk about it again “later” - probably when she’s worn you down with histrionics, pouting and the silent treatment so you’re more inclined to do what she wants.


20. She is never wrong about anything.

No matter what she’s done, she won’t ever genuinely apologize for anything. Instead, any time she feels she is being made to apologize she will sulk and pout, issue an insulting apology or negate the apology she has just made with justifications, qualifications or self pity: “I’m sorry you felt that I humiliated you” “I’m sorry if I made you feel bad” “If I did that it was wrong” “I’m sorry, but I there’s nothing I can do about it” “I’m sorry I made you feel clumsy, stupid and disgusting” “I’m sorry but it was just a joke. You’re so over-sensitive” “I’m sorry that my own child feels she has to upset me and make me feel bad.” The last insulting apology is also an example of projection.


21. She seems to have no awareness that other people even have feelings.

She’ll occasionally slip and say something jaw-droppingly callous because of this lack of empathy. It isn’t that she doesn’t care at all about other people’s feelings, though she doesn’t. It would simply never occur to her to think about their feelings. An absence of empathy is the defining trait of a narcissist and underlies most of the other traits I have described. Unlike psychopaths, narcissists do understand right, wrong, and consequences, so they are not ordinarily criminal. She beat you, but not to the point where you went to the hospital. She left you standing out in the cold until you were miserable, but not until you had hypothermia. She put you in the basement in the dark with no clothes on, but she only left you there for two hours.


22. She blames.

She’ll blame you for everything that isn’t right in her life or for what other people do or for whatever has happened. Always, she’ll blame you for her abuse. You made her do it. If only you weren’t so difficult. You upset her so much that she can’t think straight. Things were hard for her and your backtalk pushed her over the brink. This blaming is often so subtle that all you know is that you thought you were wronged and now you feel guilty. Your brother beats you and her response is to bemoan how uncivilized children are. Your boyfriend dumped you, but she can understand - after all, she herself has seen how difficult you are to love. She’ll do something egregiously exploitative to you, and when confronted will screech at you that she can’t believe you were so selfish as to upset her over such a trivial thing. She’ll also blame you for your reaction to her selfish, cruel and exploitative behavior. She can’t believe you are so petty, so small, and so childish as to object to her giving your favorite dress to her friend. She thought you would be happy to let her do something nice for someone else.

Narcissists are masters of multitasking as this example shows. Simultaneously your narcissistic mother is
Lying. She knows what she did was wrong and she knows your reaction is reasonable.
Manipulating. She’s making you look like the bad guy for objecting to her cruelties.
Being selfish. She doesn’t mind making you feel horrible as long as she gets her own way.
Blaming. She did something wrong, but it’s all your fault.
Projecting. Her petty, small and childish behavior has become yours.
Putting on a self-pitying drama. She’s a martyr who believed the best of you, and you’ve let her down.
Parentifying. You’re responsible for her feelings, she has no responsibility for yours.


23. She destroys your relationships.

Narcissistic mothers are like tornadoes: wherever they touch down families are torn apart and wounds are inflicted. Unless the father has control over the narcissist and holds the family together, adult siblings in families with narcissistic mothers characteristically have painful relationships. Typically all communication between siblings is superficial and driven by duty, or they may never talk to each other at all. In part, these women foster dissension between their children because they enjoy the control it gives them. If those children don’t communicate except through the mother, she can decide what everyone hears. Narcissists also love the excitement and drama they create by interfering in their children’s lives. Watching people’s lives explode is better than soap operas, especially when you don’t have any empathy for their misery.

The narcissist nurtures anger, contempt and envy - the most corrosive emotions - to drive her children apart. While her children are still living at home, any child who stands up to the narcissist guarantees punishment for the rest. In her zest for revenge, the narcissist purposefully turns the siblings’ anger on the dissenter by including everyone in her retaliation. (“I can see that nobody here loves me! Well I’ll just take these Christmas presents back to the store. None of you would want anything I got you anyway!”) The other children, long trained by the narcissist to give in, are furious with the troublemaking child, instead of with the narcissist who actually deserves their anger.

The narcissist also uses favoritism and gossip to poison her childrens’ relationships. The scapegoat sees the mother as a creature of caprice and cruelty. As is typical of the privileged, the other children don’t see her unfairness and they excuse her abuses. Indeed, they are often recruited by the narcissist to adopt her contemptuous and entitled attitude towards the scapegoat and with her tacit or explicit permission, will inflict further abuse. The scapegoat predictably responds with fury and equal contempt. After her children move on with adult lives, the narcissist makes sure to keep each apprised of the doings of the others, passing on the most discreditable and juicy gossip (as always, disguised as “concern”) about the other children, again, in a way that engenders contempt rather than compassion.

Having been raised by a narcissist, her children are predisposed to be envious, and she takes full advantage of the opportunity that presents. While she may never praise you to your face, she will likely crow about your victories to the very sibling who is not doing well. She’ll tell you about the generosity she displayed towards that child, leaving you wondering why you got left out and irrationally angry at the favored child rather than at the narcissist who told you about it.

The end result is a family in which almost all communication is triangular. The narcissist, the spider in the middle of the family web, sensitively monitors all the children for information she can use to retain her unchallenged control over the family. She then passes that on to the others, creating the resentments that prevent them from communicating directly and freely with each other. The result is that the only communication between the children is through the narcissist, exactly the way she wants it.


24. As a last resort she goes pathetic.

When she’s confronted with unavoidable consequences for her own bad behavior, including your anger, she will melt into a soggy puddle of weepy helplessness. It’s all her fault. She can’t do anything right. She feels so bad. What she doesn’t do: own the responsibility for her bad conduct and make it right. Instead, as always, it’s all about her, and her helpless self-pitying weepiness dumps the responsibility for her consequences AND for her unhappiness about it on you. As so often with narcissists, it is also a manipulative behavior. If you fail to excuse her bad behavior and make her feel better, YOU are the bad person for being cold, heartless and unfeeling when your poor mother feels so awful.

One sided friendships hurt too you know. I heard my hypothetical best friend tell her real best friend about her day from the moment she woke up till she fell asleep, and I was eavesdropping. I know it sounds creepy,but have you ever felt like you really want to be family to a certain person? You don’t want them romantically, by you just want them to be your best friend, sister/brother, and the person you run to when your crush does something cute.

It’s like I’m not in love with her, but I goddamn love her.

I am over Daenerys Targaryen.

Do D&D really think I want to watch Dany ‘enchant’ every man she meets, so much so that they all fall madly in love with her? So much so that they do all the work for her (Daario and Jorah and Tyrion for example) and make choices that are completely contradictory to their character (eg JON SNOW GIVING UP THE NORTH wth) while she sits on her dragons and makes dictatorial speeches and burns people alive? They have completely butchered Jon’s character this season just to further Dany’s plot and the epic romance that is Jonerys.

Giving up the North? There is no way in hell Jon would have made that choice. He almost forsook the Watch to join Robb when he marched south. He loves his family and he would never ever betray Robb’s memory like this. And the lords in the North crowned him king, they didn’t crown some self-entitled brat who doesn’t know anything about Westerosi history or customs (nor does she even want to know, unless it was about the ever-so-peaceful Targaryen rule). Jon knows this, knows that they would never bow to Dany. The North wants their independence, they want a Stark on the throne, and all for good reason. So why did the writers think it was okay to have Jon ‘bend the knee/swear fealty’ to Dany? Even if I accept that Jon has fallen in love with Dany, there is no way he would give up the North. Jon may suffer the agony of torn loyalties, but we all know he is too much like Ned, that he will still make the right choice (which in this case is not giving up the North). Dany already said she would help, Jon didn’t have to bend the knee. But, of course, it was ever so romantic to have Jon swear to serve her.

But, let’s not focus on Jon’s out-of-character behaviour. Dany has been doing a whole lot of tyrannical things herself. She burned the Lannister army, even though they were not attacking her. Cue Dany stans yelling ‘BUT IT’S WAR!’ Okay, I get it, it’s war you might have to do some questionable things. But Dany attacked with a horde of Dothraki, outnumbering the Lannister army ten to one (I kid you not, the Lannisters had 10,000 soldiers while Dany had 100,000 Dothraki screamers and Drogon) Bringing the Dothraki would already secure her victory, and it would have been a more honourable way to fight another army. Bringing a dragon into the scene, however, and using said dragon as a weapon of mass destruction is not honourable in the slightest. The Lannister soldiers never even got to swing their swords, they didn’t get to go down in a fight. Because Daenerys Targaryen stole that right from them. It doesn’t matter that they were fighting for the enemy, they still deserve to die in a fight.

And then Randyll and Dickon Tarly. Dany ‘breaker of chains’ Targaryen who proclaims herself a humanitarian saviour of the weak, burned them alive because they stood by what they believed in. Even if someone disagrees with me, I can respect it when a person is firm in their beliefs. Again, I can already hear Dany stans shouting ‘BUT IT’S WAR!’ So I’ll humour them. This is war, she can’t send them to the Wall (she didn’t even consider this, she was all set to burn them before Tyrion interrupted) and she doesn’t want to take prisoners. Not because of any limitation, but because she gave them a choice: ‘Bend the knee or die.’ Did you know that killing prisoners of war is considered a war crime? Shocking, I know. How can perfect, kind Dany of all people commit a war crime? Well, hate to break it to you, but she did.

Ignoring that, if Dany wanted to kill those who refused to bow to her, could she not have her Dothraki behead them? It’s not that hard is it? But no, she decides to burn them. I think that over the course of the show, people have become somewhat desensitised to the gravity of burning people alive. It is a slow excruciating death sentence, it is despicable and should never be used. But Dany has been burning people alive all over the place whenever they spark her quick-temper. And she does it for no reason other than that she can. In her mind, she has dragons, she wants to kill people, so why not have her dragons kill them for her? It establishes her ‘power’ over these destructive creatures, so that she can rule over the people by inspiring fear in them. (Although let’s be real, Dany can’t control them, dragons don’t know the difference between what’s theirs and what isn’t) To quote Ned Stark ‘the man who passes the sentence should swing the sword’. Dany has never taken ownership over the lives she has taken, because it is her dragons who do the dirty work. 

Basically what I’m trying to say is that Danielle is both a Mary Sue (because all men have to fall for her, she has special magic powers and dragons) and an Aerys 2.0 (’burn them all’ / ‘bend the knee or die’) rolled into a pretty little package. 

Have a nice day :)

reddit.com
[Theory] Star’s actions in Lint Catcher make sound psychological sense • r/StarVStheForcesofEvil
TLDR: Star’s coldness towards Marco is a reasonable expression of Star’s urge to defend herself against psychological torment. ... I’ve already...

An excellent post about Star’s behavior in Trial By Squire by @malthuswibble, check his stylish art (I couldn’t find this post on Tumblr, or I’d have reblogged it, do you have a non art blog as well?) explaining why there are no contradictions in her going from

to

to, shortly after,

She’s not crazy, nor she ever stopped caring immensely for Marco, she’s just scared.

HISTORY LESSON

Hey Supergirl fans, there was quite an interesting moment in this week’s ep, “Midvale” that I haven’t seen get a lot of attention so I wanted to point out some fun details you may have missed.

J’onn shows up disguised as FBI Agent, Noel Neill. Who is this? Besides a woman torturously identical to Kara’s mother (jeez J’onn, ya sadist)? Glad you asked.

THIS was Noel Neill (rest in peace). The first woman ever to portray the First Lady of Comics, Lois Lane.

Noel initially starred as Lois in the Superman film serials that ran from 1948-1950.

A year later she reprised her role as Lois, replacing actress Phyllis Coates in the television show, The Adventures of Superman for seasons 2-6.

Noel wasn’t done even after these productions ended (nor would she ever, really!). She went on to have a cameo in Superman (1978) as Ella Lane, Lois’ mother. This would be the beginning of the long-honored tradition of the previous Lois playing the current Lois’ mother (followed by Coates in Lois & Clark: The New Adventures of Superman & Teri Hatcher in Smallville).

There are a lot more notes about Noel Neill that could be made as well as the casting of Smallville’s Lois, Erica Durance, as Kara’s mother. However I’d like to shift focus back to the appearance of Noel Neill, the character, in Supergirl.

Actress Erica Durance used a particular accent that befuddled a lot of ya. But Smallville vets can recognize that voice as mimicking Margot Kidder, Lois Lane from 1978!

Incidentally Margot Kidder did appear in Smallville in the very same episode (4x01, Crusade) Erica debuted as Lois. Margot Kidder didn’t play an FBI agent but she did portray a mysteriously connected woman who knew a suspicious amount about Clark Kent.

Does that outfit look familiar, btw? Boom:

There ya have it folks! Talk about inception. I loved Erica Durance on Smallville and she’s the actress whose portrayal is closest to “my” headcanon of Lois. After her time on Smallville I never thought she could give to me anymore then this episode happens. And even though it’s technically J’onn J’onzz in the episode, it’s really Erica giving us a delicious double whammy of Lois’. 

dissonance [5]

summary: Go where your heart takes you. || hades!bucky x persephone!reader || mythology au

warnings: demeter is introduced and she is a cunt-nugget supreme, falling out between famiy, use of the word whore, and i think that’s it

notes: I know I said I was going to make this a fluffy scene between Y/N and James, but I had to throw some kind of discourse in there somewhere (blame H). I hope you guys like this, sorry for the long wait. Also, I imagine the cottage to look somehwhat like the one in the gif, only a little smaller. 

Feedback is always appreciated!

Originally posted by beautyisworthagif

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“At 14.3 hands this horse is perfect for a small child or 4’ tall elf”
Me, a human adult, with a 14.0 hand horse: 👌

Submission: Two days ago, April 30th 2017, I lost a member of my family. His name was OJ / OG Joe, and he was our baby. He’s was the youngest of our current cats, only 2 years. He would’ve been three in June. He was an indoor-outdoor cat, and he’s only had a collar and chip for around half a year. He was a sweetheart. A lover, always wanting pets. He was playful, but never hurt anyone. When he bit you, it was grazing. The hardest he ever did was just pressure, never enough to puncture. He loved having his head pulled back so you could rub his neck and head. He’d headbutt you and purr forever. He was soft, and the fur between his thighs was thinner than the rest and it was the softest. He loved belly rubs.

He wasn’t always an angel; he could be downright obnoxious if you needed to take him somewhere, or if he accidentally got outside before it was night. We only ever let them out at night, and they’d be in by morning. It was routine. Him and his older “brother” Milo, who was much more adventurous and wild. Sometimes we might not see Milo for a day at a time, but he always comes back. OJ would always be around, however.

Until now.

We thought he was smart. Thought he was safe; for the most part, that would be correct. He was a very smart cat. He’d always watch and wait for cars to pass before running across, but I’d always be terrified. The cars on my street always go so fast… most well over the speed limit. This street has claimed 2 of my mother’s cats before, Rocky and Tiger. Rocky, the sweetest old black cat you’d ever know, died in my mother’s arms the 3rd week of my 4th grade. I went to school and broke down crying in the lines we’d make before going to class. We never found Tiger; a friend said she saw an orange tabby in the gutter, and that was enough. Chili, a white male who’d had his ears docked to holes because of sun cancer, died at the grand age of 20 in his sleep.

The street we’re on isn’t the only danger, as my cat Tinkerbell’s daughter was either killed, or stolen, a day before we returned home from my 18th birthday in Mexico. She was a beautiful black tabby with piercing, light green eyes- I’d never seen anything like her before, nor do I think I will ever again. She was sweet, and feisty, and so much bigger than her mom it was a hilarious. As we never found her body, and she never was one to cross the street, and given her unique appearance and overall trusting demeanor… I do think someone snatched her up. We had no chips, no collars. It’s how we’d always done things.

Blackie had two twin brothers, both white with gray splotches, and both were given to a family friend who lived out in the country. They were indoor-outdoor cats, and they’d never had any problems before. Then one went missing. Coyotes, most likely. Car. Who knows. The second? I’m not sure, but I haven’t heard anything about him since so it’s not hard to guess he shared the same fate.

What I’m saying in this long-winded, very personal rambling of mine is… please, please keep your cats inside. For their safety, and for your sanity. If you truly love your animals, don’t carelessly allow them to possibly dance with death on a daily basis. You may think they’re smart, or that it’s safe, or that it would never happen to you… but it can. It does. It will. It happened to me. OJ had just come inside after we’d gone to the store, he’d eaten, and he got out through a window I was opening in my room.

I didn’t think anything of it. I never did. Why should I? Nothing had happened so far. Not 10 minutes later, I noticed a group of 3 people outside that window. Then a knock on the door, and a crying woman asking… if the little orange cat was ours. He’d been seen downtown before, he wanders, so people might call the number on his collar to be sure… but this wasn’t that. She was crying. I knew. I think my mom knew too, going by her voice. 

They’d placed his body on our lawn. He looked like he was asleep, like he was laying on my bed in the sun like he always does. But he wasn’t. He was gone. Gone quickly, without suffering. He’d been hit in the head. Hit so hard and fast it dented the bell on his collar, scuffed the fabric. 

You think it won’t happen to you. But it can. All it takes is one mistake, one car that’s speeding and comes out of nowhere before your baby has time to react- and that’s what they are, babies. Children. Would you let your child run around outside unsupervised? Of course not.

Please take something away from this. I sit here crying, wondering what could’ve been if I hadn’t opened that window. If I hadn’t left my room for a few seconds to grab a smaller screen. If I hadn’t let him go without a fight. I’m always going to blame myself, and nothing anyone says is going to change that. I lost my baby, OG Joe.

Please. Please keep your cats inside. Leash train them if they cry, if they’re “outdoor” cats. Please don’t let them end up like my sweet baby did. Please.

I don’t like posting things that are this sad, but sometimes I think it takes a dose of reality for people to become aware of how much risk their beloved cats are at when allowed to roam outdoors.

8

Aslaug Meme → [½] Literature: Aslaug weaving the shirt for Ragnar
✧ Wiser each day grew Aslaug in runes and magic, and it was in her mind that some day might Ragnar, though now aged, wish again to go a-viking, since this had ever been his life’s work.

Therefore called she her daughters and said: “Let us make for Ragnar a shirt, wherein I will weave magic and runes so that, old though he be, no steel nor venom shall ever hurt him.”

And she took silk from the South lands, the fibres of herbs that she alone knew, and some of her hair and that of her daughters, and she taught them magic songs, so, as they wove, they sang, and the spells were worked back and forth through the shirt until they filled it throughout. Then did Aslaug lay it by until it should be needed. ~Asgard and Norse Heroes re-told by Katherine F. Boult

I MAY NOT HAVE NOT HAD THE BEST COSTUME OR EVEN A COOL COSTUME FOR A TAYLOR SWIFT CONCERT, I MAY NOT HAVE EVER HAD A LIKE OR A REBLOG OR A TAYLOR FOLLOW, I MAY NOT HAVE 3,000 SWIFTIE FOLLOWERS HERE ON TUMBLR, I MAY NOT NOR EVER MEET TAYLOR, BUT I DO KNOW THAT SHE INSPIRES ME TO BE THE BEST I CAN BE EACH DAY, TO LOVE MYSELF, AND TO BE HAPPY - ❤️❤️❤️❤️ @taylorswift @taylornation

I feel like people are completely misreading this scene, by assuming that the Pearls’ sudden interest in Zircon’s defense means that they participated in the crime somehow, or that they know something. But I beg to differ.

Seeing how Blue and Yellow Diamond were very close to Pink Diamond, all three of their Pearls probably spent a lot of time together, and perhaps even came to know each other as friends. It’s very possible that Pink Pearl’s disappearance was completely overshadowed by Pink Diamond’s demise, and this is the first time anyone has cared to bring her name up.

Zircon: “And where was her Pearl?”

Yellow Pearl looks to Blue Pearl to see if she’s listening, as if to say “did you hear that?!” Her behavior almost mirrors that of Yellow Diamond, who keeps glancing over at Blue Diamond during the trial. It’s a look of concern. 

Blue Pearl stares at Zircon (assuming she can see through that fringe of hers), like she’s eager to hear more. If Zircon has uncovered any truth to her old friend’s whereabouts, she certainly wants to know. 

This is another reason why I don’t believe our Pearl ever belonged to PD. Her attitude towards other Pearls has always been coldly indifferent. She doesn’t see them as associates from a past life, nor does she ever express any sympathy towards them. After all, she once was a slave too. 

In That Will Be All, both the Diamonds and their Pearls are staring at Pearl when the door opens. If she had belonged to Pink Diamond, one of them would have certainly recognized her, despite all her modifications. And wouldn’t our Pearl have anxiously scrambled away to avoid being seen, if she’d known them on a more personal basis at one point? (Especially when you consider her likely involvement with PD’s murder.)

If our Pearl had belonged to White Diamond instead, then this might indicate that White Diamond was bit of a recluse even before PD’s death, or she purposely kept our Pearl isolated, never allowing her to associate with other gems of her type. 

These are just some thoughts, take it as you will.

  • Martha Dunnstock: Hey, I haven't seen you in forever! How are you?
  • Veronica: Fine, thanks.
  • Lemony Snicket from outta nowhere: Of course, in this case, 'fine' is only meant to reassure. She has never been less fine, nor was she ever fine in the first place. Here, the word 'fine' could be defined as 'I am actually slowly dying on the inside, but don't wish for anyone to worry.'
lost thoughts

Originally posted by yixingsosweet

Title: lost thoughts

Pairing: Kim Minseok/Reader

Genre: Soulmate!AU.  You hear your soul mate’s thoughts inside your head since the moment they/you are born.

Summary: The sound of his voice inside her head brings a smile to her face or a frown to her features. If only Minseok wasn’t so teasing maybe things would be a little bit easier.

If only her mind could shut up for three seconds, she would be able to study.

And she really meant those words, without caring that she liked neither this topic nor studying whatsoever, but she really needed to pass this exam, yet, the voice on her head kept singing hit songs, thinking about food and some other dirty thought that would cross their heads. Not that she had two voices inside her head, one coming from a male and the other completely hers…but it was rather something she was born with. All her life she had heard the voice of her soul mate and she’d like to think it’s beautiful –and in some way it is- but at this point, it was annoying. She had heard his voice as a kid, mostly talking about how he had lost a game with his friends and asking who she was, then when he was a teenager he would be colder…slightly lost in the feeling of going through puberty and finding new lovers, and now…the man that she recognized as Minseok was nothing more than doing anything to get her riled up.

From what he thought, she could tell that Minseok was a pretty vivid and lively person. Sometimes he thought about his friends, giving them presents or teasing them as a way of showing them his love. Other times, he simply thought about food and how grumpy he was because he was hungry. From what she knew, he was on summer break at this moment and she was taking classes in the summer, hence why she was so mad because he was doing this on purpose. Back when they were both children, they didn’t know that they could have a full conversation with their thoughts, but now that he learnt that he could talk to her and hear her just from thinking…he used it to his will.

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Miss Molly [Part 1 of ?]

Originally posted by saxonss

Billy Hargrove x OFC 

Disclaimer: Billy Hargrove is a toxic person with toxic behavior which will be FULLY ACKNOWLEDGED here. Racist, sexist, abusive, etc. This drabble (if I even end up finishing it honestly who knows) is going to focus on him as a developing and !!DEEPLY FLAWED!! character for which I believe a redemption arc is possible. Under no circumstances am I condoning, romanticizing, or attempting to erase his treatment of Max, Lucas, or any other character. If you think I am, feel free to message me about it, and we can discuss! I’m open to constructive criticism! If you’re just here to tell me to kill myself for liking a character I’m not interested! Thank you! 

Warnings: language. homophobia. 2 mentions of the term d*ke 

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