noooo dan

Bad Muffin Puns | 17.08.17
  • Dan: There were lots of snacks. There were muffins and there were not many muffins left.
  • Phil: Yeah.
  • Dan: There were what? Two muffins left. So I was like "can I have one of these muffins please?" and for some reason this barista was like... he was fully zazzed.
  • Phil: He was so zazzed!
  • Dan: Enthusiastic guy, it was like...
  • Phil: I don't know why.
  • Dan: It with verve spinning around making coffees. And he went "oh, really? Another muffin? These are so muffIN right now." And we were like *ha*.
  • Phil: I did a little snort.
  • Dan: Nice pun because they must have been popular or whatever. So me wanting to pun back -
  • Phil: Trying to be the pun master!
  • Dan: - I went "mm, yeah, just get muffINSIDE me." The muffin.
  • Phil: No, I literally -
  • Dan: Obviously...
  • Phil: - walked away.
  • Dan: Obviously, the muffin! Are you kidding me?
  • Phil: *incredibly fond laughter* That was enough for me to walk away.
  • Dan: Right, right. Okay, he made that joke and I went "get muffINSIDE" and I almost did like finger guns but I gave him that look like "we did a..".
  • Phil: We did a moment.
  • Dan: He just went like *confused face* and then turned around and then the person up was like "what did you order? How much was that?" and he was just off making a drink.
  • Phil: I don't blame him for turning around, Dan. ♫Turn around, Nero man♫
  • Dan: Who-who would make a pun and then not understand the following thing?
  • Phil: I know. Some people just aren't ready to go to the pun activity.
  • Dan: Whatever, so that's me. There's why I don't go outside.
  • Phil: But then as I walked away, that actually meant Dan bought my cookie, so thanks for that.
  • Dan: I did, yeah, I forgot that.
  • Phil: Yeah, it was a good cookie.
  • Dan: Give me two pounds.
  • Phil: Noooo...
This One’s For You

prompt: 

genre: fluff, smut, fluffy smut !! (it’s rly soft nd rly cute like i melted writing this)

warnings: swearing, anal, handjob, sickingly sweet fluff, #bants, slight praise kink but isn’t mentioned

word count: 1350 (YEET)

read on ao3!

a/n: my new years resolution hasn’t failed! depending how i feel tomorrow, y’all might have more than two fics this month *yay* but anyways, i’m finally uploading a fic !! thank you to everyone who stuck around, it really means a lot to me. thank you to holly for getting me through tough times and dragging me by the ear to make me happy again. i hope you guys enjoy this cute lil fic as i had fun writing it. IT’S SO CUTE PLS ENJOY IT <3

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I feel like Dan Harmon doesn’t get enough credit for co-creating Rick and Morty. Sure, Roiland comes up with the weird alien stuff, and the show’s visuals are an extrapolation of his personal art style, but Harmon’s the guy who takes these elements and shape them into stories we care about. He’s what makes Rick and Morty different from your standard Adult Swim fare.

And Harmon’s definitely responsible for 90% of Rick’s personality. It’s pretty apparent from his podcast that he and Rick have a lot in common.

I dunno. Someone referred to Harmon as “the other guy” and I was like “noooo.”

anonymous asked:

Omg I totally agree with you Jonah Ham and the others did a lot of horrible things to Ames and Dan but noooo just because his parents are evil he has to be seen as the devil himself uughhhh and yes Cara Pierce is so pointless Long life to Ian Kabra

Right!!! Holy shit scholastic!! You guys made it canon that Ham was the one who set fire to the Cahill mansions!! Jonah left Amy and Dan to the crocs!! And SINEAD!!!! ARE WE REALLY JUST GONNA FORGIVE SINEAD LIKE THAT HOLY FUCK!!!!!!!

Ian didn’t get a choice in his parents!! He was CANONICALLY raised in a severely emotionally abusive household!! Send him to therapy!!! He’s trying his best!!

Everyone in this series needs therapy tbh esp Ian and Dan. 

Cara had so much potential!! Like holy shit did she ever. But nooo she had to be Ian’s girlfriend that’s all that matters. 

anonymous asked:

I need your usual long ramble for the joint younow please! You always combine all the best moments into one place and I am always grateful <3

Aww thank you! I apologize for it being a bit late as always.

But to start, I’ll just quote my quick summary from the other day:

“Very happy old married couple bickering and completing each other’s sentences. You know how they say couples who have been together for a long time start morphing into one another and become really in sync with their behaviors and speech? That’s them. That’s Dan and Phil. This live show somehow just made that even more obvious than it already was. Incredible.”

Incredible, indeed. They are the epitome of old married couple going on their 60th year together. Grandparents got nothing on them. I apologize, I know the ‘married’ thing is a tired explanation by now but I truly don’t know how to describe it anyway else. They are more married than anyone I’ve ever known and they are not even married. That deserves a special award I think. And we only see not even 1/10th of their everyday lives. God only knows the level the domesticity reaches when no one is watching. I fear I may not be able to physically and mentally process that extreme so it is probably for the best that we are not exposed to it.

And as I mentioned before about the synchronized thing, I felt like there were several moments when quoting the Spice Girls and singing the line “when twooooo become oneeee” loudly would have felt alarmingly appropriate. Because they have definitely melded into a singular conjoined unit. They are one entity now. It’s slightly scary. But more so beautiful. Scarily beautiful if you will.

Favorite moments below:

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Amusement Park

REQUEST: Dan fingers yn on a roller coaster :3

 

A/N: So I spent literally all day thinking about this because the physics of it just don’t seem possible. All the bumping and jolting and acceleration of a roller coaster would make it dangerous. Dan could break his fingers or do some damage up there to the poor girl. So, I made it so it happens on a slower log-flume type ride that is long haha. I hope that’s okay!

 

“Ooh, let’s do that one!” you exclaim, pointing to the log flume ride with a grin on your face.

Dan groans. “Noooo,” he whines. “That one is boring. And it’s like a half hour long.”

You grab his hand and pull him through the amusement park towards the entrance to the ride, ignoring his protests. “We can make it not boring,” you say with a wink as you step into the ride. Dan looks at the two-person pods that make up the journey through the mock-river and smirks as he realizes what you’re getting at.

“Okay maybe this wasn’t the worst idea, then,” he admits. You smile up at him before leaning onto his chest, glad that he isn’t arguing anymore. He drapes one arm around you and pulls out his phone to play games while you wait in line for the ride. When you finally reach the front and your pod floats up, he puts his phone away and the two of you step inside.

As soon as you’re away from the crowd and floating downstream Dan hops over to your side of the pod. He presses his lips to yours eagerly and enfolds you into his arms, reaching one hand down to cup your bum. You giggle into the kiss, surprised by his eagerness but turned on by it nonetheless.

You reach up and hold his face in your hands, kissing him back passionately. You break apart for an instant to murmur, “We don’t have much time.”

He smiles against your lips and slides a hand up your skirt, grazing his fingertips over your panties and causing you to gasp. Your gasp makes his smile widen and you know you’ve encouraged him, for better or worse. He moves your panties to the side with his fingers and begins to probe you, lightly at first. Your breath hitches and he takes it as a sign to go deeper and faster. You move your hands, tangling one into his messy amusement-park hair and gripping his shoulder with another. He begins working your clit with his thumb whilst pumping two fingers in and out of you.

You squeeze your eyes shut, taking in every sensation; the feeling of Dan’s fingers, his scent mixed with the scent of the water from the ride, and the noises of the park surrounding you. Dan takes your eyes shutting as a queue that you’re close- which you are- and increases both the speed of his pumping fingers and the friction against your clit. A small moan escapes your lips and you feel his at your ear, “Shhh, baby,” he whispers, and his breath sends tingles throughout your entire body. “I know it’s hard, but you have to be quiet this time.” he places a small kiss followed by a nibble on your earlobe and you can’t take it anymore.

You release the tension that’s been building in your body for the past fifteen minutes. In an effort not to scream out Dan’s name, you tighten your grip on his hair and shoulder. He slows his movements to let you ride out your orgasm and doesn’t remove his fingers until he’s sure you’re finished. “Right on time,” he says, eyebrows raised as the ride comes to the drop off point.

“How was your ride?” the worker asks as he helps you out of the ride and back onto dry land.

“Amazing,” you say breathlessly, and he gives you a slightly confused look before shrugging it off.

“Your pictures will be available right over there,” he says, pointing to a booth down the path from the ride.

Your eyes widen, “Wait, pictures were taken?” you ask.

He nods, “Yes, there is one area on the ride where photos are automatically taken and available for purchase.”

You turn to Dan, whose face is a mask of horror. You both shuffle away and down the path, “What are we going to do?!” you say in a strained whisper.

“I don’t know! Maybe it’s not that bad?” Dan suggests.

“Not that bad?! You were fucking fingering me!”

“Maybe you can’t tell, I don’t know!” he says, and you both hush as you reach the booth. One screen is black and it says, ‘This photo is unavailable due to a graphic nature’ and you blush realizing that must be your’s. Your suspicions are confirmed when you see a female employee glaring at you and a male employee snickering and giving Dan a thumbs up.

“We’re leaving!” you announce awkwardly, grabbing Dan’s hand and rushing out of there as fast as possible. “That was the worst thing ever!” you say, your face burning with embarrassment. You turn to your boyfriend and see that he’s laughing so hard he can barely stand. “Dan!” you scold.

“Come one!” he says between giggles. “Lighten up. You know it’s funny.” Despite your best attempts to stop it, a smile creeps onto your face and you burst out laughing along with him. Although you know you’ll never be getting fingered on an amusement park ride again.

The Pajama Fic: Part 12

*Okay I am so sorry about the long wait but life got in the way *shakes fist* I hope you can all forgive me with this new chapter that turned out longer than I intended. Oh well. I have no idea if this is good. Enjoy*

The next day’s events were far less glamourous than the photoshoot. It was late afternoon by the time the coach arrived to pick everyone up. Although comfortable clothes had been recommended there was little suggestion as to what we were going to do and the speculation during that morning had ranged from a group massage to skydiving.

“Maybe we’ll get to do that cool bubble rolling thing.” Tyler suggested whimsically.

“What the fuck are you talking about boy?” Asked Troye somewhat done with Tyler’s abstract imagination.

“You know when they put you in the bubbles and you get to roll around.” He attempted to clarify causing Troye to give him a condescendingly confused expression.

“Do you mean Zoorbing?” Asked Phil, determined to understand Tyler’s ramblings.

“Yeeaah, when you roll around in a bubble!”. The was a collective ‘Oh’ of understanding from everyone on the coach.

“That would literally be amazing!” Shouted Joey, clapping his hands together in excitement.

“I wouldn’t get your hope up though, it seems like we’re heading into the centre, not towards a field or anything.” Said Louise, staring out the window at Los Angeles passing by.

Before long the coach is pulling up in what seems to be a relatively normal street and you all climb out into the open.

“Go in there.” Shouts the coach driver, pointing towards the building directly adjacent to you. It was a bar, a bar named 'Bronco Billy’s’.

“Oh my goodness gracious you can’t be serious.” Muttered Joey staring at the western themed bar. It was exactly as you imagined: Slightly under lit the bar was filled with men wearing plaid and throwing darts. Decorative, rustic looking bottles lined the shelves behind the bartender whom was wearing an obviously fake mustache. The whole thing looked like the set of a parody movie.

“Haha I have never felt more gay.” Laughed Tyler as he stood in the entrance in a multi-coloured button down that complimented his outrageously coloured quiff. You and Dan were hit with an attack of the giggles as you both couldn’t help but notice how hilariously out of place you all looked in your skinny jeans, imaginative hairstyles and expressions of sheer awkwardness.

“Oh good you’re all already here!” An enthusiastc voice called from behind you which you recognised as the Sony lady from the day before. Everyone very quick crowded around her and you giggled again as you hear Tyler mutter “Please save us.” to her under his breath.

“You’ll be delighted to know that today’s activities will be spent in here and you have free access the bar if you so wish.” This recieved a few appreciative nods and a muffled 'woohoo’ came from Jenna’s direction. “If you’d like to step around the corner I think you’ll find exactly what you’re going to be up to.” The bar looked like one room but now that she mentioned it you realised it was more of an L shape and in fact there was another part to it hidden around a corner. You all shuffled gingerly towards it when suddenly you heard a loud "YES!!” from Connor who was leading the pack. His reaction was joined with laughter as you all rounded the corner to find what was unmistakably a large bucking bronco.

“Oh my fucking god.” You choke out as Dan claps his hands to his mouth and Phil lets out a wild laugh.

“Are you seriously making us ride that thing?” Laughed Tyler whose face had turned tomato red from laughing.

“Sure thing.” Said the rep. “Just don’t get drunk enough to throw up and don’t forget to film everything. We have hired it for the whole afternoon.”

“Well this is going to be interesting.” You mutter cynically as you watch Connor bound forward for 'first dibs’.

“I need me some alcohol for that shit.” Announced Tyler as he watched Connor being flung off the bull, skinny limbs flailing everywhere, to cheers and shouts of laughter.

Yourself, Dan, Phil and Troye all replied “Yeah” at the same time and made your way over to the bar.

4 drinks in you had found out that the Sony reps name was Hazel and she had a pug called Buster. You were also finding Dan was getting more and more flustered as he ordered a round of shots for himself and Tyler.

“Man I think you should slow down.” Said Phil helpfully, patting Dan on the back.

“Man I think you should go on the bronco.” Said Tyler unhelpfully with a wry smile, mimicking Phil’s helpful tone.

“Yeah Dan! Maybe you should go on the bronco…” You agree, raising your glass to clink with Tyler.

“Haha no I’m not quite drunk enough for that, thank you.”

“Aw, pretty please.” You implore him, the idea of Dan being flung off the bull at high speed already making you giggle.

“Guys come on, enough with the peer pressure already.”

“Peer pressure. Peer pressure.” You begin to chant quietly and then Tyler joins in.

“Peer pressure. Peer pressure. Peer pressure!” You both chant, steadily getting louder. Dan looks at the laughing Phil for support. There’s a moment’s pause and then;

“Peer pressure. Peer pressure.” Phil joins in to and Dan lets out a huge sigh.

“If this was the office I’d look directly into the camera lense right now.” Dan whined over the top of you all.

“Yes, we get it you’re a cynical bastard.” You say, grabbing his arm and pulling him towards his impending fate.

“You’ve got to bite the bullet, man.” Says Troye, patting the reluctant Dan on the back.

“Noooo.” Said Dan as he was pulled gradually towards the bull.

“You’ve got to think of all the memes Dan.” Said Phil. “Just think of how many memes you will create today. It will be your legacy.” And that was how Dan was convinced to ride the mechanical bull. Everyone was filming as Dan mounted. His face was slightly red from blushing but he deadpanned as everyone waited for it to begin, cameras trained to capture the moment.

“Oh my God what have I done…” Dan cries in a surprisingly high pitch voice as the bull begins to spin. His face has you and Phil in tears before the real show even began.

“The moment I get off this I’m going t…” But then the bull gave a more violent buck that caused him to career sideways to roars of laughter from the group. You lean on Phil heavily as tears of laughter stream down your face. Dan is practically horizontal, holding onto the bull for dear life, spinning round in circles and screaming.

“Yaas baby!” Scrams Tyler, punching a fist into the air as Dan manages to straighten himself up onto the bull again. Dan manages to give you a momentary glance which conveyed regret and a little bit of fear, before the bull started bucking again. The tears were now rolling down your face as you clung onto Phil for support, the sight of Dan being bucked forward and back being one of the funniest things you had ever seen.  Next thing you know you a pair of black skinny jeaned-legs fly through the air and Dan manages a complete flip before spectacularly landing face down on the inflatable mat. You turned round to look at Phil to find that he had legitimately fallen over from laughing so hard and was gripping his stomach as he curled into a ball on the floor. Dan crawled off the mat and walked over to you.

“I’m in so much pain.” He moaned, looking at you with a pleading expression.

“Aww poor baby Howell.” You coo sarcastically, wrapping your arms around him in a hug and patting his back.

“Shut uup.” He whines leaning down to bury his face into your shoulder.

“Is baby bear sad that he fell off the nasty bull?” You tease again, rubbing comforting circles into his back and suppressing laughter.

“Fuck offff!” He whined again, flopping all his weight onto you in annoyance. The joke was on him though because his weight was too much for you and you both ended up crashing back down onto the inflatable safety mat.

“Pile on!!” Was all you heard before the body of Connor was flung over the to of you both, followed by about 5 other youtubers in turn.

“Enough!” you shout through screams of laughter coming from the living mountain that had been built on top of you. “I need more alcohol” you mutter to the equally squished Dan beside you, and with one herculean push you manage to escape the bundle. Dan was already pretty drunk but he seemed determined to forget his recent embarrassment with the knowledge that it had been captured on camera forever. Zoe and ALfie joined you in another round of shots and then a round of obnoxiously fruity cocktails that you both convinced the boys to try.

“We’re not going to judge you I promise!” Squealed Zoe, shaking Alfie’s ar in an attempt to break his stubborn view.

“Come on you know they taste better anyway.” You say to Dan, watching him stare at the cocktail in front of him with some hesitation.

“Oh fuck gender roles.” He slurred slightly, before picking it up, removing the umbrella and sipping the red liquid through a curly straw. He face squished into a look of derpy enjoyment. “Uhhh it’s so tasty.” He says between sips. YOu and Zoe laugh, clinking glasses and watching as Dan practically downs the drink.

“Woah watch it Daniel, I don’t want you throwing up on me.” You say attempting to slow him down and accidentally knocking the glass in the process. The red liquid moved as if in slow motion,first jumping out of the glass and then falling in an almost comic splatter across his grey top.

“Nooo my aesthetic.” He whined as you attempted to dab the stain with a napkin.

“Maybe you should stop there, man.” Laughed Alfie, taking the glass out of his hand and putting in on the bar. The barmaid however, did not clean it up immediately due to the fact she had seen the whole event and was unable to control her laughter. You couldn’t help giggle along with her as you watched Dan hopelessly dab at the bright pink stain on his clothing.

“Wait, I’ve got an idea honey.” She managed to say before disappearing in the back room. When she returns she is carrying a plaid top, identical to her own. “It’s our uniform but it’s the largest size I could find. I hope it fits you. You can keep it because no one else here is going to fit it.” She explained between suppressed laughs.

“You can’t be serious?” Replies Dan incredulously, but moments later he steps out from the men’s room wearing a tied front plaid crop top and a pink face. Pretty much everyone in the room wolf whistled as he stumbled toward the group again.

“Okay Dan, I think we should sit down for a bit.” You laugh, noticing how Dan swayed as he stood there, tummy out and embarrassed.

“Whatever.” He said in a slurry, mock sorority girl voice and you giggled as you lead him over to the table in the corner. “Thank you so very much for this.” He said in an attempt to sound serious. “Thank you for the table.” He continues nodding at you.

“No problem Dan.” You reply with a smile as Dan flops himself onto the seat opposite you.

“And thank you very so much for being my girlfriend thanks.” He stammers out, pointing a finger at your face. You giggle in response. He leans towards you slightly then says “Boop.” tapping you on the end of the nose with his outstretched finger.

“How are you feeling Dan?” You ask, smoothing down his fringe which he had managed to ruffle in the process of changing his shirt.

“Thank you now I look pretty.” He says in response, making you cover you mouth to prevent yourself from laughing in his face. “But shall I tell you who looks prettier. Definitely you.” He continues, raising an eyebrow in attempt to be flirt.

“Really?” You ask, taking another sip of you drink, thinking back to the video Dan made about the different types of drunk people.  

“Yes, very much so. You are like Kim K to my Kanye.” He says is a drunk but discerning tone. This literally makes you spit your drink back into your glass.

“oh my God Dan.” You laugh back at him.

“What I think you’re h2awt.” He replies, shrugging his shoulder and giving you an rather uncoordinated wink. “And I don’t know why you chose me ‘cause I look like a llama sloth thing.” He sighs, swaying slightly in his seat and looking down at his stomach being exposed by the crop top. “Why can’t I be like Anthony.” He moaned, tapping his tummy with his hand.

“Dan I promise you’re very handsome.” You say sympathetically, genuinely feeling a little bit sorry for him in his drunken state.

“You really think so?” He asks surprised and you nod. He leans dramatically over the table before saying. “Well then how abouts we go get a taxi back to my place?”.

“Dan we’re in LA not London.”

“Aw fuck that would take ages in a taxi.” He says defeatedly, slapping his hand down on the table in annoyance. “But we could always go to a hotel.” He suggests, and you feel his hand rest on you knee and slowly start tracing up your thigh.

“Guys the coach is here!” You hear someone shout from across the bar. You can’t help but think it’s probably best Dan goes home now before he does something stupid.

“Come on Daniel.” You say smiling, grabbing the hand that is still moving up your leg and using it to drag him to his feet. “Phil could I have a hand?” You shout over your shoulder when you realise Dan probably won’t be able to walk all that well.

“Come on, mate. One step at a time.” Laughs Phil as he pulls Dan’s arm over his shoulder. With both of you helping, slowly Dan makes it across the bar, out of the door and into the coach. He mutters ‘thank you’ a lot as yourself and Phil manage to get him into a seat and clip a seat belt round him. However he quickly flops over when the coach starts moving and you do the rest of the journey with his head in your lap.

“I’ve got the best pillow Phil.” He mutter, patting your knee with his hand. And you both laugh in response.

Back at the house Dan has recovered a least some ability to walk again so he manages to stagger off the coach.

“Don’t worry about me guys, I’m just going to be sick.” Announces Tyler as he speeds ahead of everyone into the house.

“Don’t worry Phil, I’ve got it from here.” You says as you manage to steer Dan through the front door.

“Okay, as long as you’re sure.” He says gratefully and makes his way back to his own room.

“Oooh we’re going back to my bedroom!” Says Dan enthusiastically. “Bow chicka wow wow.” He adds, thrusting his hips around almost causing the both of you to fall over.

“Come on we’re nearly there.” You say, more to yourself than to him. Eventually you burst through the door and he flops down on the bed.

“Okay now let’s get naakeed!” He yells and gets stuck trying to pull the plaid top over his head. You laugh and release him from the top by undoing some of the buttons and he falls back onto the bed, half undressed. You help him pull his trousers off and attempt to tuck him in.

“Come on Dan, under the cover.” You encourage, trying to get him to shuffle so you can pull the duvet over him.

“Not unless you get in too!” He says grumpily, holding onto the duvet to stop him from using it.

“Sure thing Dan.” You say. “I’m just going to get a glass of water.” You step into the bathroom for a minute and return to see Dan lying naked across the top of the bed.

“Come join me!” He says in a pleading tone.

“No come on Dan, you need to go to bed.”

“With you.”

“No, Dan you’re drunk.” You say, pulling the duvet over him again. But his arms grab you around the waist and pull you into bed. “Okay, come over here and cuddle me then.”

“Yeah!” agrees Dan and you slide under the duvet with him. You sit relatively upright in bed, still completely clothed, and watch as Dan struggles to manipulate the covers around him.

“There are too. Many. Sheets.” He complains, managing to get himself completely twisted. You laugh again and untangle his legs from the covers.

“Okay now it’s time to sleep Dan.” You say slightly condescendingly, watching him settle down dizzily.”

“Yeah, I guess…” He mumbles as he rests his head on your lap. “G’night Y/N” He says quietly, and then he’s out. You stroke his hair off his face lightly.

He’s not going to remember anything in the morning, you think to yourself. “Goodnight Dan…” You whisper quietly. “…if you throw-up on me you die.” you say, continuing to stroke his hair.

IMAGINE!!!!!!!!:

Losing at a game of Halo

Dan: HAH KILLED YOU.

Y/N:……..

Dan: HAH. *does victory dance*

Y/N: ugh I hate you *laughs*

Dan: noooo you love me *laughs*

Y/N:……………….

Dan: right? *laughs nervously*

Y/N:……………………….

Dan: YOU LOVE ME RIGHT?? *laughs nervously*

Y/N: I hate you *laughs*

Dan: *DOES PIC* yeah right