Aries: Slow your roll, it’s getting away.
Taurus: Burn the worry as fuel, the smoke will smell nice.
Gemini: The next book series you start will eventually be forgotten.
Leo: It is actually impossible to remove a lightbulb from your mouth. Drive to the emergency room.
Virgo: You seem lonely despite all the panache and circumstance, the stars and I are here if you need to talk.
Libra: All things must end. Some things ends are musty.
Scorpio: The stars are sorry, they mixed up your horoscope with the one for two days from now, check in again later.
Sagittarius: There’s a bite in the air, which is good, bites haven’t been seen around these parts since the 80s.
Capricorn: Keep your hands to yourself.
Aquarius: Call your old friend. You have something to bond over now.
Picses: Make a blanket fort and defend it with a firearm. None shall remove you.