non renner

Steve: Look, did you know about this? Mortals being dropped from twenty feet. It’s unbelievable. 

Bucky: I know, right? Twenty feet? Walk it off. 

Steve: Buck, you do know that normal people don’t just “walk off” a twenty-foot fall, right? 

Bucky: So… all those times I pushed Barton off a building and he was all “Ahhh!”, he wasn’t just being funny? 

Clint: No. 

Tony: I thought it was funny, Bucky.

Tony: Rules were made to be broken.

Steve: They were made to be followed. Nothing is made to be broken.

Bucky: Uh, piñatas?

Peter: Glow sticks.

Clint: Karate boards.

Natasha: Spaghetti when you have a small pot.

Tony: And rules!

Clint: So, why’d you agree to come?

Bucky: ‘Cause Tony made me.

Clint: I tried to back out, too. Tasha said I had to go.

Bucky: Really? Your pally makes you do stuff? You’re a scary spy.

Clint: You’re an assassin, and your husband makes you do things, and he’s only four feet tall.

[Tony’s quietly singing Behind Blue Eyes in his lab while Bucky, Steve, Quill and Clint watch in shock]

Bucky: Wow.

Clint: Um, could we go back to the haunted house? Because this is creeping me out.

Quill: Does he do this a lot?

Clint: Sure. Every day the earth rotates backward and the skies turn orange.

[Tony continues on singing unaware of his audience]

Steve: Now I remember why I used to have such a crush on him.

Bucky: Well, he is pretty good.

Quill: His voice is pleasant.

Clint: What?

Bucky: Oh, come on. It is kinda sexy.

[Steve and Quill nodded in agreement]

Clint: I’m fighting total mental breakdown here, Barnes. No more fuel in the fire, please.

[Tony finished his song oblivious of his admirers]

Bucky: Tony got stung by a jellyfish. 

Tony: Alright, alright. I got stung. I got stung bad. I couldn’t stand. I couldn’t walk. 

Steve: We were two miles from the house. We were scared and alone. We didn’t think we could make it. 

Tony: I was in too much pain. 

Bucky: And I was tired from digging a huge hole! 

Steve: And then Bucky remembered something… 

Bucky: I’d seen this thing on the Discovery Channel. 

Bruce: Wait a minute, I saw that, on the Discovery Channel. About jellyfish, and how if you… Eww! You peed on yourself? 

Natasha, Rhodey: Eww! 

Tony: You can’t say that! You don’t know! I thought I was going to pass out from the pain. Anyway, I tried, but I couldn’t bend that way. So… 

Clint, Bruce, Rhodey: Eww! 

Bucky: Yeah that’s right. I stepped up! He’s my friend and he needed help. And if I have to I’d pee on any one of you. Only, I couldn’t… I got the stage fright. I wanted to help, but there was just too much pressure. So, so I turned to Steve. 

Steve: [moan] Buck kept screaming at me. Do it now, do it, do it, do it, do it now! Sometimes late at night I can still hear the screaming. 

Bucky: That’s cause sometimes I scream it through my wall just to freak you out. 

Rhodey: Maybe there’s someone you can talk to. 

Tony: Yeah like who? There’s no group for people like us. 

Tony: Steve is too tall for me to kiss him on the lips. What should I do?

Natasha: Punch him in the stomach. Then, when he doubles over in pain, kiss him.

Clint: Kick him in the shin.

Steve: NEITHER OF THOSE!! JUST ASK ME TO LEAN DOWN!!

Steve: I don’t care how drunk you were last night. You broke an unspoken rule!

Bucky: It wasn’t unspoken. You’ve told me to keep my hands off of him for three years.

Steve: And you still slept with him!

Clint: Slept with who?

Steve: [grumbles] Just drop it.

Clint: Was it the one-legged woman in accounting?

Bucky: No.

Clint: Was it the UPS girl with the big boobs and the mustache?

Bucky: No.

Clint: The balding lady with the parrot?

Bucky: It was Tony, okay?

Clint: Is this true?

Steve: Yup.

Clint: [playfully] You dirty dog!

Bucky: All right, all right. Take it easy.

Clint: My man, this is big news!

Steve: Hey! There’s nothing to celebrate here.

Clint: Are you kidding? If he can get somebody so clearly out of his league, that means there’s hope for us all.

Bucky: Hey, I’m a good-looking man.

Clint: Barnes, come on. Even you must know that whatever looks you have go away as soon as you open your mouth. And that-that’s what makes all this so confusing.

Tony: I’m sorry, Barton. Thank you for making time in your busy life to come in here and get in the way of mine.

Steve: Tony, play nice.

Tony: You know, fine, take his side instead of mine even though I’m the one who sleeps with you, and feeds you, bathes you…

Clint: [looking disturbed] He bathes you?

Steve: Only in an erotic, Penthouse-y way. Not in a sponge-bath-y, geriatric sort of…

Rhodey: Please. Stop, I beg of you.

[Steve, Tony and Bucky walk in on Peter, Harley and Wanda’s out of control house party]

Steve: Will anyone who lives here, please raise your hand.

[The three raise their hands, and Clint raises his from the vent]

Steve: Anyone else remaining here after five minutes, will be forcibly conscripted into the United States Army!

[Everyone runs out]

[Steve and the returning Avengers walk in on Tony and Quill kissing]

Steve: Um, excuse me?

Quill: What?

Clint: Who the fuck are you?

Quill: Who the fuck are YOU?

Clint: I asked you first!

Quill: I asked you second!

[Steve happily wanders into the common room and sees the team]

Steve: Hey!

Bucky: Hey!

Steve: Listen, do you guys think I have a chance with Tony?

Natasha: Cap, we have been through this before!

Clint: Yeah. Don’t do this to yourself.

Wanda: He’s made it pretty clear, it is not going to happen.

Steve: Well all right then, I guess I shouldn’t get to excited about the fact [excitedly] that I just kissed him!

Natasha: You serious?!

Sam: That’s great!

Natasha: Really?!

Wanda: Yeah well, we’ll see.

Bucky: You kissed him.

Steve: Oh we kissed it up real nice.

Sam: So you kissed him, so what happened after that?

Steve: I came over here to tell you guys.

Sam: So he’s just waiting over there for ya?

[Steve nods yes, but suddenly realizes what he did and runs out to go back to his place]

Bucky: And I’m sorry about Tony, okay? He does not suck. You should totally marry him.

Steve: Well, I will.

Bucky: Good. You should. I mean, I had a sex dream about him, and I didn’t even tell you.

Steve: No, you actually did tell me.

Sam: You told everybody.

Clint: You started a group text.

Bucky: It started with him brushing my hair…

Steve: You know what? I’m gonna untie you guys now.

[Bucky watches Tony climb down a ladder to a lower level, as Bucky gives unhelpful comments]

Bucky: Come on. Come on. Here we go. Looking good, boss. Take your time, though.

Clint: [to Sam on comms] He comes with a lot of baggage.

Bucky: [his hand goes on Tony’s butt] Just gonna give you a little hand here.

Tony: [climbing down] Hand off ass! Off ass!

Bucky: There you go. You’re there. Congratulations. I’m a hundred and thirteen years old now.