non renner

Steve: Look, did you know about this? Mortals being dropped from twenty feet. It’s unbelievable. 

Bucky: I know, right? Twenty feet? Walk it off. 

Steve: Buck, you do know that normal people don’t just “walk off” a twenty-foot fall, right? 

Bucky: So… all those times I pushed Barton off a building and he was all “Ahhh!”, he wasn’t just being funny? 

Clint: No. 

Tony: I thought it was funny, Bucky.

Clint: So, why’d you agree to come?

Bucky: ‘Cause Tony made me.

Clint: I tried to back out, too. Tasha said I had to go.

Bucky: Really? Your pally makes you do stuff? You’re a scary spy.

Clint: You’re an assassin, and your husband makes you do things, and he’s only four feet tall.

[Tony’s quietly singing Behind Blue Eyes in his lab while Bucky, Steve, Quill and Clint watch in shock]

Bucky: Wow.

Clint: Um, could we go back to the haunted house? Because this is creeping me out.

Quill: Does he do this a lot?

Clint: Sure. Every day the earth rotates backward and the skies turn orange.

[Tony continues on singing unaware of his audience]

Steve: Now I remember why I used to have such a crush on him.

Bucky: Well, he is pretty good.

Quill: His voice is pleasant.

Clint: What?

Bucky: Oh, come on. It is kinda sexy.

[Steve and Quill nodded in agreement]

Clint: I’m fighting total mental breakdown here, Barnes. No more fuel in the fire, please.

[Tony finished his song oblivious of his admirers]

Bucky: Tony got stung by a jellyfish. 

Tony: Alright, alright. I got stung. I got stung bad. I couldn’t stand. I couldn’t walk. 

Steve: We were two miles from the house. We were scared and alone. We didn’t think we could make it. 

Tony: I was in too much pain. 

Bucky: And I was tired from digging a huge hole! 

Steve: And then Bucky remembered something… 

Bucky: I’d seen this thing on the Discovery Channel. 

Bruce: Wait a minute, I saw that, on the Discovery Channel. About jellyfish, and how if you… Eww! You peed on yourself? 

Natasha, Rhodey: Eww! 

Tony: You can’t say that! You don’t know! I thought I was going to pass out from the pain. Anyway, I tried, but I couldn’t bend that way. So… 

Clint, Bruce, Rhodey: Eww! 

Bucky: Yeah that’s right. I stepped up! He’s my friend and he needed help. And if I have to I’d pee on any one of you. Only, I couldn’t… I got the stage fright. I wanted to help, but there was just too much pressure. So, so I turned to Steve. 

Steve: [moan] Buck kept screaming at me. Do it now, do it, do it, do it, do it now! Sometimes late at night I can still hear the screaming. 

Bucky: That’s cause sometimes I scream it through my wall just to freak you out. 

Rhodey: Maybe there’s someone you can talk to. 

Tony: Yeah like who? There’s no group for people like us. 

Bucky: Did you forget something?

Clint: Yeah, my balls.

[Bucky and Steve laugh]

Clint: Were you guys just talking about me?

Bucky: That’s a little paranoid, don’t you think? I mean our whole world doesn’t revolve around you.

Steve: It revolves around Tony.

Tony: That’s a fact.

Tony: Clint, when you’re in the hospital, what does Coulson tell you to make you feel better?

Clint: “Tony could not handle this.”

Tony: I can see how that would help.

Clint: You got this. No doubt.

Steve: I’ve spent a lot of time in hospitals. I want to lay something out for you. You repeat it, I’ll deny. You… Tony, okay… …do not get to have anything go wrong with you. Sorry. Not interested. Understood?

Tony: Okay.

Steve: Okay.

Bucky: You go show that appendix who’s boss.

Bruce: Okay, Tones, I’m gonna talk to the surgeon first. If I don’t like anything that I see, I’m gonna perform it myself. Okay? That’s a promise.

[Pepper smooches Tony’s forehead]

Natasha: I’m so sorry I was such a crappy sister. I’m gonna miss you so much!

Tony: Why did she have to go last?!

[Steve’s glaring at Tony and Bucky’s compromising position but Clint’s smirking behind him]

Steve: Tony, get your stuff and let’s go. 

Clint: Ooh, that was good. Now say, “Get in there and make me my dinner!“ 

[At Bucky’s birthday he opened Tony’s gift of a beautiful expensive photo album and tracked down all his old family photos]

Steve: Oh, it’s so pretty. This must have cost him a fortune.
Bucky: I can’t believe he did this. 

Clint: Come on, Stark? Remember back when he fell in love with Pepper and bought her that ridiculously expensive crystal vase? 

[Everyone looks at Clint. He realizes he just spilled the beans about Tony’s crush on Bucky]

Bucky: [Bucky looks stunned] What did you just say? 

Clint: [panicked] Ahem… um… Crystal vase. 

Bucky: No, no, no… the, um, the… ‘love’ part? 

Clint: [stuttering incoherently] F-hah… flennin… 

Bucky: [Stunned, his interactions with Tony clicking into place] Oh… my God. 

Clint: [rubbing his temples] Oh, no no no no no…

Sam: [pats Clint on the leg] That’s good, just keep rubbing your head. That’ll turn back time. 

Clint: Tony’s gone insane. 

Bucky: What? What’d he do? 

Bruce: Brace yourself. You’re not gonna believe it. 

Steve: Everyone, before we jump all over him, people do strange things when someone they love dies. When I lost my mother, I-I did some pretty dumb stuff, like lying and staying out all night. 

Clint: Stark’s boinking Loki. 

Bruce: Oh. Well, Cap-Cap’s right. Grief can be powerful, and we shouldn’t judge… 

Bucky: What, are you kidding? He’s nuts. 

Tony: [to Steve] Okay, here’s a memo with some facts about Thanos. [to Bucky]  I think you’ll find yours particularly interesting.

Bucky: It’s just a list of facts.

Steve: Okay, mine says, “You have a cute butt.”

Tony: That’s weird.  It must be a typo.

Clint: Yeah, Cap, it’s probably a typo because it probably should have said, “You have a cube butt.”

Sam: ‘Cause your butt’s shaped like a cube!

Bucky: Yeah.

Steve: [holding up paper] The question is, why is my memo different from everyone else’s?

[Clint slams Tony’s bedroom door]

Clint: Hey Cap? This just in: Your weirdo boyfriends sleeps in the nude.

Steve: Yeah? So what? I do too.

Sam: Oh yeah!

T'Challa: Oh I can see it now. And it is glorious. Excuse me.

Coulson: All right, why don’t we open it up to Q&A from the audience?

Tony: (voice) Yeah, I have a question. Is there anybody who can get me the hell out of here and back to New York tonight?

Logan: (voice) I’m driving back to New York tonight.

Clint: Um, Tony, that’s Logan. Logan, that’s Tony.

[Both Bucky and Steve shake their head in horror]

Bucky: No!

Bucky: [playing a video game] Where’d I go?

Clint: I don’t know!

Bucky: What’d I do?

Clint: I don’t know!

Bucky: [the video game makes an explosion noise] Did I lose?

Clint: Well, you have no head, so I’d say yes.

Steve: Full speed ahead. Dam the torpedos.

Tony: What did he say? Put on our tuxedos?

Clint: I want some Taquitos.