The Current Events Combine!

“Wait, Mr. nomics!” you whine, in that nagging voice you can’t help but use, “There were a lot of important things happening in the world this past week! Riots in the Middle East! Wisconsin budget battles! The Oscars!” Seriously, your voice is like fingernails in a pencil sharpener.

But you make a compelling point. There are very, very few things less productive than sitting back and evaluating potential career paths of huge, muscular men based on a bench press or a high jump. So let’s go a little bit country, and a little bit rock & roll on this one. The Current Events Combine!

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From Gastroposter Mery Minami, via Instagram:

Today I found out that I only had bananas, so I thought: omg what am I going to do? Well, I decided that it wasn’t an excuse to skip breakfast. There are some frozen bananas in my freezer I remembered, so I made a homemade nana nice cream. Just frozen bananas and raw cocoa. Toppings: goji berries, pumpkin seeds, sunflower seeds, almonds, pecans and cashew

I’m so proud of us for braving the #heatwave 😍 #seawolfBK is worth the hike

Their #painkiller was soooo good, perfect sweetness and #pineapple mix for me 😋

#fishandchips were so yummy, both were fried to perfection and so glad to see the #lobsterroll (MP $24) not covered in mayonnaise ✌️

#nycsummer #nycrestaurants #nyceats #nyc #newyorkcity #nybk #bkeats #brooklyn #bushwick #summertime #nomnomnom #seawolf #jeffersonstreet #brunch #brooklyneats (at Sea Wolf Brooklyn)

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Back in the day, cartoons were full of assholes.

If you ask a kid why they love Saturdays, you’ll probably get one of two responses:

  1. It is the weekend
  2. It is not a weekday

The average kid is stupid on a number of fronts (can’t perform surgery, can’t drive, can’t hold down a steady job), but they usually understand the concept of “Saturday” pretty well. A whole day dedicated to doing whatever you want, and a whole morning dedicated to cartoons and sugary indoctrination.

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The Jets: fun-lovin’ Kool Aid endorsers, or actual musicians? You decide.

I had what was likely a stereotypical (not in the racist way) Saturday morning routine for a child of the 80s/90s: wake up at 7am, grab a bowl of cereal, and spend the next 5 hours glued to the television. Cartoons were your other teachers, the ones you didn’t mind seeing Saturday morning, and whose only homework requirements were to play with action figures following each episode.

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Clockwise, from top left: Reading, Social Studies, Recess, and BASIC.

Often, cartoons imparted valuable life lessons upon us, some even going as far as to include PSAs. Unfortunately, I don’t know of even one that included the most important advice a child can ever receive: don’t be an asshole.

Cartoons were chock full of assholes. Know-it-alls, slimeballs, show-boaters, and talking animals - I could go on for weeks. Hell, most of the assholes were technically the good guys. We here at Hamsterdam decided to highlight a few that make for good representatives of the whole bunch. Jerks.

Ace McCloud (Centurions)

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Identified as: Daring air operations expert

Telltale asshole signs: playboy attitude, sarcasm, flight capabilities

The dish: Looking back on this show, Ace’s devil-may-care attitude probably made it harder for the team to apprehend Doc Terror. This should’ve been a miniseries, but somehow was extended to 65 episodes. Why give a guy a jetpack and missiles if he’s going to be lackadaisical for 64 of them? This only ended up reinforcing my notion that I wouldn’t have to work as hard as everyone else since I was also blond.

Orson Pig (U.S. Acres, Garfield and Friends)

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Identified as: Pig; leader of the farm animals

Telltale asshole signs: worrywart, stickler for the rules, avid reader

The dish: I’ll be damned if I can identify a more persnickety character in the Saturday morning cartoon lineup. Remember the kid that would remind the teacher that homework is due? His middle name was probably Orson, or at least Pig. Orson was always concerned about doing things the right way - a 180 from Ace McCloud, which probably makes him an even bigger asshole. If you have a friend try to lead you down the path to righteousness through either fable or fairy tale, tell them to keep their kindle to themselves.

Beavis and Butt-head (Beavis and Butt-head)

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Identified as: “the tall one” and Cornholio.

Telltale asshole signs: moronic behavior, disgusting behavior, violent behavior…well, just a lot of behavioral problems.

The dish: Few cartoons are worthy of commentary extending outside the show itself, but I think Beavis and Butt-head merits it. This is one of only a handful of cartoons that I would characterize as “revolutionary” - and there honestly hasn’t been anything like it since. Innovative and willing to take on the establishment, both of which I like. And while those are positives, this show seemed to harness something very, very awful in its audience. Mike Judge basically turned an entire generation of teenagers into idiots in the mid-90s with characters that showed an affinity for poop jokes, heavy metal, violence, and pyromania. He has to shoulder at least some of the blame for that. I give kids these days a lot of old man gruff for their hip-hop and their Twilight, but imagine being a parent 15 years ago and having to deal with a son that aspired to be like this.  These guys are definitely high on the asshole list.

Bluegrass (Silverhawks)

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Identified as: Colonel Bluegrass; the cowboy.

Telltale asshole signs: Seriously?

The dish:  Fashion statements have a way of going horribly awry in space. But this one takes the cake. It’s almost like an animator traveled back in time 25 years to bring us the superhero equivalent of George W. Bush. There are like five separate levels of ridiculousness packed into this single character. I can’t even look away.

queenpomeraneplayz  asked:

Hey Skribi. (Sorry I really wanted to call you that XD) Have you been doing okay? Also, free cookies for the Kiwitato King! :D *gives cookies* (Sorry if this sounds terribly stupid, I've been having mood swings and that always makes me strange.)

you can call me skribi <3 I’ve been oki doki i guess!

bruh boo, I am master of mood swings, you be strange as must as you want to be <3

Sportscenter 1994: Anchors Away!

Hey there, Hartford Whaler Fan!

A brief stroll through Yahoo Answers tells me that 1994 was quite the year:

  • An earthquake in Los Angeles kills 51 people.
  • Nelson Mandela elected as President of South Africa.
  • Republicans win control of the House and Senate, and Newt Gingich is chosen as Speaker of the House.
  • Rwandan genocide kills about the same amount as the Los Angeles earthquake, give or take another 799,949.

However, as someone who had just entered double digits in age, none of this stuff really seemed to matter or hit home. I can appreciate it a little bit more nowadays, but back then, the big news stories to me were as follows:

  • Nancy Kerrigan gets hit in the knee, screeches one of the five W-questions I learned in school.
  • Odds of OJ Simpson appearing in any future Naked Gun movies decrease ever so slightly.
  • The Whalers won 27 games, one of their best finishes, ever.
  • Baseball players come back home, but wife changes locks and refuses to let them in. “Aw honey, look at me, I’m a broken man. I can change!”, says players.

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Here, a Rwandan child reacts to Chris Berman’s delivery.

Yes, for a 10 year old, sports was THE news. And Sportscenter, before becoming the two serpents eating each others’ tails, was an innovative, funny, and completely justifiable reason to wake up at 7:00 am and turn on the TV. Well, at least I found it more entertaining than Bodyshaping.

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Ouroboros, representing both cyclical nature of existance, and, noms.

Sportscenter in 1994 was rollin’. A new type of anchor and attitude seemed to be taking over, producing highlights punctuated with humor and complexity - two things that one doesn’t usually get when discussing a ball traveling through a net. Putting on my old-man pants for a second, it makes me wonder: what happened? How could such a simple formula get lost in the shuffle? People usually point to Stuart Scott as an example why it went wrong: over-the-top, self-aggrandizing, and other negative, hyphenated traits. I really don’t care about that - in fact, it’s much better than the alternative: anchors with no personalities.

So let’s take a trip down wikipedia and youtube lane, and find out where our heroes of yesteryear are. We’ll catch up with old friends, and rate their careers post-1994 in Van Pelts (the logical system of measurement for just about any metric).

Chris Berman

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Forget 1994. Berman AKA Boomer AKA The Godfather AKA The Greenwich Giant has been the rotund backside of ESPN for 30+ years. If you watch sports, you know who he is and tolerate his presence. If you don’t, you probably say things like “Hey, that guy from the Applebee’s commercial makes me laugh!” Despite the awful puns and the need to inflict every show with a smattering of French, he seems like a decent guy, and he’s pretty much an institution when it comes to the NFL.  I’m sure we’ll be hearing plenty of him the next two weeks as the Super Bowl draws near.

I’d pay for him not to call baseball games, though.

Berman Post 1994 career rating:

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Craig Kilborn

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The Golden Boy! Craig Kilborn was my favorite of the whole group. Young, handsome, charming, funny. This guy had it all. He skyrocketed to well-known with the emergence of the Daily Show, which despite no longer having the Ricky Oh head smash, is consistently a top-15 TV program and safe in the hands of Jon Stewart. Sensing that the Daily Show wouldn’t be enough, though, he downgraded to medium-fame through the Late Late Show, and a few years later scored a role in Old School. The move away from sports was probably a good idea, and he’s managed a decent career. Now, even the Onion makes fun of him. Oh, to be a star.

Kilborn Post 1994 career rating:

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Dan Patrick and Keith Olbermann

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Dan Patrick had one of the best senses of dry humor on Sportscenter. The team of Patrick and Olbermann was more dominant than anything else we saw in the 90s. Like Jordan and Pippen, one of them was a lot better than the other, but it took them both to accomplish anything of significance. Dan remained on SportsCenter through 2006, and has done radio shows and SI since. He currently does Football Night in America on NBC, where he briefly reunited with Olbermann, but the magic they once had was lost. Nowadays, he spends most of his time on his radio program seeming to enjoy his own mildly clever quips just a bit too much.

Patrick Post 1994 Career Rating:

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With the surprise announcement that Keith Olbermann was “leaving” MSNBC, twitter, facebook, and Google News went Combustible Huxtable on us. So how did the ‘stached half of the tag team make such a big splash? By becoming one of the more arrogant and self-important talking heads in the media. Olbermann seems to think himself a modern-day Edward R. Murrow. I like to think of him as a modern-day Edward V, as I often wish someone would put a pillow over his face. That said, everyone knows who he is. Hell, he’s probably the most famous TV political personality outside of Chris Berman Bill O'Reilly.

Olbermann Post 1994 Career Rating:

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Brett Haber

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Wait, this guy worked for ESPN? For three years? I thought he just did DC sports on the local CBS affiliate. Man, talk about a downgrade. I guess you learn something new every day.

Haber Post 1994 Career Rating:

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Well, that’s all we have for today folks. Tune in next week and I’ll rate how the anchors look under the desk in Sean Salisburys. Good Night, and Good Luck.

Tomorrow I start one of my super diets to do a quick slim down for an upcoming project, but today is pancake feast day. NOMNOMNOM! Either they were lying about models never eating, or I’m just really bad at being a model! 😂
#nomnomnom #food #foodporn #pancakes #delicious #yummy #modellife #modelsontheirdaysoff #imbad #butitstotallyokay (at Grimmelore Manor)

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