Relapsing is part of recovery and it’s nothing to be ashamed of, but remember how fucking shit the junk life is. There’s a trade off with addiction, and you definitely get something in exchange. But every time ya take a couple inches, H takes a mile.
And the most fucked up part is that you don’t even notice because you’re nodding the fuck out.
Excerpts from a conversation with a fellow addict and old friend.
Reputation, her sixth album, isn’t a tuneless vengeance tour—it’s an aggressive, lascivious display of craftsmanship, one that makes 1989 sound like a pit stop on the way to Swift’s full embrace of modern pop. (This is a trip that began the second the bass dropped on her 2012 song “I Knew You Were Trouble.”) She’s largely abandoned effervescence, wonderment, and narrative. Say goodbye to maple lattes and hello to whiskey on ice, to wine spilling in the bathtub, to Old Fashioneds mixed with a heavy hand.
(* Thank you, sweetheart! I had no idea this was a thing. Happy pocky day, and have some Stretch fluff! )
When you enter the living room, you notice Stretch relaxing on the couch, his arms spread out on the cushions behind him. You almost keep walking to the kitchen, but the sight of something bobbing between his teeth catches your eye.
You pause, your brow creasing as you stare. It takes you a moment to realize, but there’s a chocolate stick between his teeth.
“see somethin’ you like?” he lazily queries, and your gaze lifts to find him staring. Chuckling, you shake your head and gesture to the candy in his mouth.
“Is that pocky?”
He nods. "yeah, apparently it’s pocky day or somethin’. i dunno. i can’t keep up with human holidays.“ He shrugs.
Pocky day? That’s the first you’ve heard of it. "Have you ever had pocky before?”
“yeah, once. undyne found some in the dump." That just sounds…. sad. It must show on your face because he waves a hand. "the box was still sealed, so it was fine.”
“Oh. Well… you’re eating it wrong,” you decide to point out, which causing him to quirk a bony brow.
“there’s a wrong way to eat pocky?”
“You’ve got it in your mouth cookie-side first. You’re supposed to hold onto that part and eat the chocolate part.”
“hmmm…” You watch his lazy grin widen, and in the next minute, he’s no longer sitting on the couch. He’s appeared directly in front of you, so quickly that you jump; you’re not sure you’ll ever get used to his ‘shortcuts.’
What startles you the most, however, is how close he is.
An arm snakes around your waist, keeping you from backing away as he leans in. "well, since it is pocky day… why don’t i hold the cookie part and you take a bite?“
He doesn’t remove the pocky from between his teeth; instead, he tilts his chin down, a mischievous glint in his eyelights as he watches you. Coupled with the slant in his smirk, you can read the challenge there. Your face is burning, and your breath has hitched in your throat as you stare at the chocolate end of the pocky, so close to his teeth. He’s teasing you, trying to get you flustered. He doesn’t actually expect you to do it.
You never were one to back down from a challenge, however.
Your eyes flicker up, catching his gaze, and you deliberately lean forward to get your bite of pocky. A small bite isn’t enough; you’re sure to bite down far enough that your lips graze his teeth in the ghost of a kiss. You can feel him suck in a deep breath through his nasal cavity, the pin-pricks in his eyesockets constricting with surprise. You let the touch linger for another second before you lean back and chew your pocky prize.
"Mmm. That was delicious. Thanks.” Smirking, you pat his chest and step out of his hold. Despite your confident airs, your face is burning.
While he’s stunned, you turn back to finish your journey to the kitchen– though at this point, you can’t remember why you were headed there in the first place.
Stretch finally seems to recover and chuckles behind you. "gotta say, that was a pretty sweet treat. too bad i didn’t get to try the chocolate.“
You pick up on the wistful insinuation and grin. You know why you’re going to the kitchen now–to get more pocky.
"Wait right there. I’ll hold it for you this time,” you call over your shoulder with a wink.
Every single time I relapse, my life spins out of control…
I’ve lost jobs, crashed my car twice, gone broke, narrowly escaped jail – and I am one of the fortunate ones. One of the worst things about a relapse for me is not the loss of money and material things, but the loss of love and trust from my family.
I just want to tell other addicts who feel hopeless that they are not alone. I too have felt those worthless feelings and thought I would never be able to stay sober. But that doesn’t mean I gave up.
Alix, two months clean from California, On Addiction
I’m amazed by how long I was able to keep my addiction a secret from everyone.. my mom, friends, teachers, my sister, people who I was around often. I believe the combination of realizing just how precious my use was to me and utilizing my intelligence were the main factors in keeping my secret. If it hadn’t been for that bad overdose I’d probably be smacked out of mind right now in my soft queen bed not sitting in a hard twin bed surronded by 4 gloomy blue walls. I learned from my mistakes..I won’t repeat them and by that I mean getting caught not using. I’m counting down the days until I can be nodding out in my own bed, feeling the lovely comfort of heroin in my veins.