:))))))))))) well lads I’ve got a fucking ear infection again :)))))))))))))) just in time for travelling to france, because why shouldn’t history repeat itself??? and im supposed to go to toronto tomorrow to give a friend my old phone but My Ear HURTS and warm olive oil didn’t do shit except clog it. I go underwater ONE TIME (or like fifteen times but only on one occasion) while in a pool with friends, and this is what happens. why do my ears deceive me this way, pretending to function only to cut out at a moment’s notice? it used to be different! I used to swim constantly with no trouble! but now here I am Suffering. nice.

I smile and put on a “face” but secretly I want to cry everyday. I am at my highest weight ever and I’m SO tired of saying I’m going to start and not ever following through with one simple day. I can’t stand the way my clothes fit, I can’t stand the way my body feels, looks, and even functions. I’m so unhealthy and I can’t take it. It’s affecting me in every area of my life with my husband, with my kids, with my job, not to mention my self-esteem. My relationship with food is disgusting. I know that not eating won’t help anything but that’s how disgusted I am with my relationship with food. I want to ditch it from my life all together. I plan on gathering myself tonight and gaining the ‘umf’ to once again start over tomorrow. Prayers… Lots and lots of prayers would be greatly appreciated!!!! 🙏🏻

Me: I’m gonna stay in tonight and study like a good little grad rat.

Also Me: So does the new season of BoJack Horseman drop at midnight or am I going to have to wait until tomorrow? Just asking bc it’s not as if I relate to a clinically depressed alcoholic cartoon horse and at least two of the other characters on this show or anything…

it might not happen today, tomorrow, or in the next month. but I know one day, I will wake up and be happy with the body I live in. i have always been grateful for my health and my body’s ability to function in every single way that it does, but i am working on simply loving myself and appreciating the shell that holds me and everything that I am, everything that I was, and everything that I will ever be together. it’s a long process but I’ll get there soon. inshallah.

man i am getting overwhelmed way too easily lately… and i know ive been apologisng for this a lot lately already but im rly rlt sorry if i dont reply to ims and asks and messagesof any kind right away lately, its just been hard for me to function lately, idk if its th loneliness (w/ out rick) or the heat or the 0 call backs on my job applications or just a big mix of nonsense  but man life is hard and my anxiety has been getting way worse ????????????