no-letting-go

This December I’m planning on letting you go, but it’s like the wind on a cold day—it sends a chill that makes my heart beat faster, the goosebumps and shivers part of that exhilaration.

Think of it like this—I take off on long runs and I still come back to the place we met, replaying memories like old film reels in my head. They’re already tinged with sepia, one year ago and it feels like forever.

Do you play them back, too? Do you ever miss the way we used to make each other laugh? Do you miss us?
Because lately all I do is think about where I was a year ago, meeting you for the first time and making you laugh, and talking so fast that we ran out of breath.

I miss you this December.
And I don’t want to miss you. Leaving has become less of a distant daydream and more of a reality, and the only certain thing now is that neither of us will be where we are now. The new year will separate us, finally sever that last thread linking us together. And I don’t want to hurt.

I don’t want to miss you like this. Like late night poetry, and the dizziness of a blow to the head whenever you walk by without a glance. I don’t want to be the girl who can’t let go of something she lost a long time ago, or begrudge you any happiness you might find.
I don’t want to miss you like a weight on my chest, like a physical thing resting behind my eyes, watching you as though from far away, watching you recede like my hometown in my rearview mirror.

This December I am letting you go, I tell myself. I cloak myself in ‘I don’t care,’ put up shields of nonchalance and make excuses about work like I can’t be bothered. This December I want to be better.

And maybe one day I will forget about you, like I forgot the first boy I fell in love with. Maybe one day it won’t hurt to see you, like claws raking across my chest. Maybe I’ll get to a place where I’m okay with you walking out of my life. Maybe I’ll be okay.

But what if I don’t want to let you go? What if the idea of forgetting you fills me with incredible remorse? What if I’m tired of breaking my own heart?
What if I’m tired of the pressure of plans and scraping my heart out, of replaying old memories and telling myself I can’t want you anymore?

What if I’m tired of just okay?

What if this December, I’m just yours?

—  jasminawritespoetry, ‘December’ 

I’ve come to a point in my life where “I love you” just doesn’t have the same meaning as it used to before. Sure, you can love me. You can fall in love with my eyes, with the way I tuck my hair behind my ears, with the way the sunshine hits the color of my skin. You can love me in a hundred and one different ways but it wouldn’t mean anything if you don’t choose me. So yes, you could tell me you love me and my heart will skip a beat and I’ll have butterflies in my tummy and I will feel the earth shake on my feet - I will feel so happy, my heart could burst out of my chest… but it simply just won’t be enough anymore.

So this is what I need from you:

Tell me you choose me. When I’m slumped on the floor ridden with guilt and grief from everything that has ever and will ever hurt me - hold me and tell me you choose me. When I’m pushing you away, when my fists are up and the ugliest of things come out from this mouth you proclaim to love - say you choose me anyway. When I’m broken, when you can’t fix me, when no amount of I love you’s in the world can assuage my pain - please, hold my face, shake me a little, say, “look at me, I choose you, okay?”

You can tell me you love me. You can shout it to the world. You can say it to me a million times and it will be what I want to hear. But telling me, “I choose you” - darling, that’s all I will ever need.

—  Tell me you choose me // Genefe Navilon
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9x01 ”I Think I’m Going To Like It Here”
“Cas, are you there? Sammy’s hurt. He’s hurt, uh – he’s hurt pretty bad. And, um… I know you think that I’m pissed at you, okay? But I don’t care that the angels fell. So whatever you did or didn’t do, it doesn’t matter, okay? We’ll work it out. Please, man, I need you here.”

Posted as part of the Series “Of Blood, Bone and Darkness”:
A Carver Era Rewatch Hiatus Meta-Series

This may be an utterly unpopular opinion, but I will say it anyway. And it has nothing to do with shipping for me, but only something to do with emotional support. Of course in this moment the show needed to find a way to save Sam as otherwise it would have meant the end of the show as people had come to know it over the course of 9 years and Dean needed to make a decision that would leave him vulnerable to Crowley’s manipulation and getting him into a mindset to take on the mark. Keeping that out of the equation though, I think Dean - and I have been thinking this right from the moment I saw this scene play out for the first time on screen - may very well never have made this choice had Castiel shown up. Now, of course people will say “But he prayed to Cas so he could save Sam”. And while I don’t deny that Dean surely would have asked Cas to try all he could, at the same time Dean knew fully well what Cas had told him not too long ago: That Sam is damaged in ways that not even Cas could heal. So in my opinion, while I absolutely believe that Dean would have begged Cas desperately to help him save Sam, I think that the outcome if Cas had shown up and told Dean, he couldn’t would have been different. Because you see, I think Dean also prayed for emotional support here. He didn’t just pray to Cas to save Sam, he prayed to Cas, because he needed someone himself to be there for him and shoulder his pain. And I know it’s a wildly unpopular opinion, but I do truly think that if Cas could have been there, there may have been a whole lot of fighting and a deeply distraught Dean at the end of his rope, but I think he may have been able to let Sam go, because he wouldn’t have felt completely and utterly alone.

forward.com
White Nationalists Say ‘Star Wars’ Is Part of Sinister Jewish Plot To Promote Multiracial Diversity
White nationalists see ‘Star Wars’ as part of a Jewish plot to push racial diversity. Others root for the evil Empire.

Meanwhile in the alleged real world…

White nationalist bigots are calling for a boycott of Rogue One, because it…wait for it… “promotes multiculturalism.”  Worse, it’s a JEWISH PLOT to promote multiculturalism. 

One writer at the neo-Nazi site Infostormer called “Rogue One: A Star Wars Story,” slated to be released this month, a product of “anti-white hate” produced by Jews. “Nearly all of the major characters are non-Whites and the main character is an empowered White female,” the post reads. “This film should be boycotted.

Liberal Nerdom and our sane allies, you know what to do.

a day to remember

Today, December 7, is Pearl Harbor’s 75th Anniversary. It is also the day that I matched into my top choice Hematology/Oncology fellowship program! (I still have chills.)

I can’t believe it. I started this tumblr just as I was starting medical school. You’ve journeyed with me all this way and now I’m in my final stretch. I can’t thank you all enough for your support.

Dreams can come true with a little bit of elbow grease (and blood, sweat, and tears)!! See your dreams through and I’ll be here to support you as well. :-)