no-hitters

got to watch my little cousin’s baseball team play tonight and let me tell you, there is nothing so mindlessly enjoyable as watching a bunch of 7-9 year old boys–none of whom have no idea what they’re doing–play something that vaguely resembles baseball for an hour.

5 Healing Herbal Teas That Will Have To Do Some Heavy Fucking Lifting If The Affordable Care Act Is Repealed

Sometimes the natural remedies are the best, and if Congress guts the ACA, they’re about all you’ve got.

1. Chamomile: Containing natural oils that relax the soft muscles of the stomach, chamomile is the perfect tea to calm an upset tummy. And because there’s no earthly way anyone going through chemo uninsured will be able to afford anti-nausea medication, too, it better start pulling its damn weight. Every Affordable Care Act provision that gets repealed is another burden on the shoulders of soothing chamomile.

2. Sage: It’s not just for cooking! Sage has been used for centuries as a tea to ease menstrual cramps, so if and when Congress decides regulating your period with birth control or an IUD should be prohibitively expensive, it’s going to have to step its shit up as a permanent pinch hitter for your Yaz. Can sage pull it off? Hell no. That said, since getting dropped by your insurance would mean having to choose between birth control and groceries, it’s slightly better than nothing.

3. Passion flower: Can a tea substitute for Xanax? It’s time to fucking find out! The beautifully named passion flower brews into a delicious tea that doubles as an anxiety-easing sedative, and it’s gotta be a pretty goddamn strong one if it’s going to take your mind off the fact that refilling the pills that let you get any sleep at all just got fucked up to a hundred dollars a pop following whatever half-baked Band-Aid Congress slaps on the carcass of the ACA.

4. Lemon balm: Say goodbye to tension, malaise, and access to affordable antidepressants thanks to healing lemon balm and an intense partisan rancor in D.C. that has somehow manifested itself as cutting health care for millions of Americans. While this mild mood-lifting medicinal tea stacks up against some honest-to-god Lexapro about as well as a butterfly kiss does to a chainsaw, maybe brewing it double strong could help. It’s not like you’ve got many other options.

5. Lipton tea: Yeah, it’s just generic fucking Lipton tea, but it’s three bucks a box, and if you think you’ll have the budget for hand-rolled loose-leaf medicinal herbs from that specialty store with all the jars once the ACA’s dead, you might want to check your math. Better hope it’s got some healing properties we don’t know about!

Scion game. We are trying to break in to a building we suspect is run by titanspawn. We decide on a plan to enter from the roof, with our heaviest hitter taking the lead.

Player: “Ok, so I am going to dive off the roof, grab the edge and swing feet first through the window and punch the first thing I see.”

ST: “Now, to be clear, do you mean the first thing that threatens you? Or really the first thing you see?”

Player: “The first thing I see!“ 

The player makes it through the window.

ST: "Ok, uh, make a karma roll. Ok, now roll to attack.”

ST: “Right, so, you crash through the window and punch a toddler. He goes flying down the stairs while his mother screams.”

Top 9 Most Fight-Able Characters in Mystic Messenger

(ranked by the likelihood of winning from least to most likely)

9. “Mary” Vanderwood, Secret Agent Murdermonster

Result: A swift and painful death

Are you shitting me? You’ll be goddamn eviscerated on the spot. Not to mention nobody will ever find your body. This is completely fucking unadvisable. DO NOT DO THIS unless you have a DEATH WISH and want to disappear from the world completely. Vanderwood is not to be messed with. They’ve killed many a worthy foe, and you will not be one of them. There’s not much else to say here. I don’t care who you are, you should not challenge Vanderwood. Say your prayers, fucker

8. Unknown/Saeran Choi, Total Edgelord

Result: Utter defeat, probably followed by torture + imprisonment

I don’t think you need me to tell you that this kid is fucking off his rocker. Let’s be real, he’s probably killed a few people, and he enjoyed every minute of it. You can bet your ass he’ll likely torture you after defeating you, too. And you know, some of you sick fucks will probably enjoy the whole damn ordeal. You’re probably the only ones who’d WANT to fight him just to have him fucking step on you. Well congratu-fucking-lations, you got what you wanted. He still beats your ass. The only reason Vanderwood beats him in this ranking is because it’s possible he’d keep you alive for fun, and some of you would enjoy that, so at least it’s a fuckin victory for somebody. Fuck.

7. Jaehee Kang, Smarter than the CEO

Result: Total annihilation + jail time

Do you see this face? This is the face of someone who has been repressing violent urges for fucking years for the sake of keeping her job. If she could snap Jumin’s neck, she would in a heartbeat. You do not want to give her a justifiable reason to unleash that utter fucking rage on your sorry ass. Did you forget she has a black belt in judo? She could beat my ass. She could beat your ass. She could beat anyone’s ass. I don’t care WHO you think you are. And after the fight? She’ll report you to the proper authorities, pick up a cup of coffee, and finish her daily tasks like nothing fucking happened. What a wild bitch. I fucking love her to death, tbh. And you know what? How dare you challenge her. She deals with enough shit in her life. I hope she beats your ass with a righteous fucking fury. Have fun in jail, dipshit.

6. God 707, Meme Lord Supreme

Result: Depends on your approach, but probably a failure

Honestly Seven’s about as fucking predictable as a lunch box full of wasps. What am I even supposed to say here? He’d probably imitate that shitty ass vine meme the first time you punch him and say “I can’t believe you’ve done this”, complete with a British accent, but when you keep hitting, it’ll confuse him. The element of surprise is probably your best bet, but you also have no fucking clue what he’ll do. He might beat the shit out of you. He might scamper away on his scrawny ass legs and proceed to hack into everything you once loved or held dear. He might lay down on the ground and let you kick the shit out of him. In the end, it depends on his mood. Is that reliable at all? Absolutely fucking not. So go for it, but I literally have no idea how it’s gonna turn out for you.

5. Zen/Hyun Ryu, A God Among Men

Result: You have a good chance of winning, but at what cost?

OK BEFORE YOU LOSE YOUR MIND LISTEN THE FUCK UP. Why is Zen higher up on the list, Nani??? you ask me, pouting, clutching your Zen body pillow(s) in agony. Zen had a bad past!! He’s not easy to fight, he was such a bad boy!! v//w//v He’s so tough and strong and he’s our knight in shining armor! Hey!! Good for you! But GUESS FUCKING WHAT!! If you’re female, he’ll probably forfeit to you immediately, unlike the barbarians before him on this list, so technically he’s easier to fight! He’d probably LET you beat the shit out of him if it made you feel better. It’s not even a fucking question of who would win if a woman challenged him, so we’re gonna move on.
Now, if you’re a GUY, he’d be more willing to square up, and my advice is go for his face. Pretty boy doesn’t like messing up his pretty mug, and if you play dirty, he’ll get scared real quick. His ponytail is a disadvantage for him, so yank it real hard. You have a better chance of beating him with perseverance, but if you let him get the upper hand, you’re deceased because he’s probably a heavy hitter. Also, you will incur the wrath of all his fangirls, and probably the angels above, and you will spend the rest of your life MISERABLE AND CURSED, so proceed with caution. If you can get away with it without anyone knowing your identity, you’re golden. Good luck, but also, why? do you even want to??

4. Jumin Han, Mistah Trussfund Kid (The CEO)

Result: Instant win, but your life will be RUINED

Honestly, I think certain RFA members would actually be very glad if someone handed Jumin’s ass to him, but good fucking luck accomplishing that without having your entire life destroyed. On a purely physical level, Jumin is no competition. He may be the tallest motherfucker around, but he’s never fought anyone before in his LIFE. You’d probably only have an issue here if you were short as shit, and even then, go for the knees, amirite? He’ll fall like a fucking oak tree, and then you can rip him a new one while he’s down. Easy peasy, right? WRONG. He’s got a horde of like 50 bodyguards that you have to sneak past or defeat first or something. And if you somehow make it to Jumin first, they’ll swarm your ass after you first start swinging and have you incapacitated in a few seconds. Are those first few swings worth it? Maybe. But he’s gonna sue your ass for everything you own. The whole world will know your name. If you don’t get jail time, you’ll wish you had. It will be an easier life than trying to live in the public. Zen and Jaehee might love you forever, though, so maybe they can pull a few favors for ya. You better pray they do. Good fuckin luck out there, champ.

3. Yoosung Kim, Small Child

Result: Victory, but with a catch

Look into this child’s eyes. Look me in the eyes. Tell me that Yoosung isn’t a fucking pansy. You can’t, can you? It’s because Yoosung is a fucking pansy. This kid would be down for the count after exactly one (1) punch. He might enjoy it a little too, which’ll be awkward as shit for both of you. HOWEVER. If you trigger his Yandere side, which is bullshit but whatever, he might put up more of a fight. How do you do this, you may ask? Insult Rika. or MC. (Probably Rika tho). Something inside him will snap, and then he’ll be trickier to handle. He’ll probably play dirty when he’s like this, so expect to get shanked or bitten or something. It doesn’t change the fact that his scrawny ass can’t fight for shit, so you’ll still probably win, but not without a few injuries yourself. Hurting Yoosung is probably the moral equivalent to kicking a puppy. If you can be ok with yourself after that, then I mean, go for it.

2. Rika, the Antichrist

Result: Certain victory, but extremely dangerous

Look, maybe I should’ve put her lower on the list considering she’s got an entire cult following her every order. But, honest to God, you would be morally obligated to fight her. Please beat the shit out of her. Physically, her scrawny ass could do nothing to stop you. She’s ruined the lives of her friends, as well as countless other people, because of her deranged and, quite frankly, selfish desires. Basically, she’s a little bitch. I don’t know how you’ll do it, but god damn, you’ll be everyone’s hero. The downside to this is that she might sick Saeran on you, which is gonna be a pain in your ass, and Yoosung might hate you forever, but I think you can live with that, right? Do us all a favor. Fight Rika.

1. Jihyun Kim/V, aka Flower Angel Sunshine Man

Result: Total Victory, but you’re basically Satan

BEFORE YOU SEND ME ANON HATE, REMEMBER: this is a list based on how likely you are to win. And V? V would let anyone beat him. He probably thinks he deserves it. He might defend himself a little, but he couldn’t bring himself to hurt you. Your victory would be almost immediate. There is no catch to V. You’d just win. But you’re a fucking monster for it. And you know what? I’ll beat the shit out of you if you hurt this man. So don’t even think about it, asshole.

Fed up with the boredom of being the strongest character in his series, Saitama organizes the Land of Fiction’s first-ever universe-wide Cosmic Clash Tournament, wherein he will fight every single contender one-on-one. The prize? The ability to say that one has defeated One Punch Man himself. But Saitama gets more than he bargained for when, on the day of the tournament, all of the heavy hitters from the American comics show up the fight him

5

The rich and powerful, they take what they want. We steal it back for you. Sometimes bad guys make the best good guys. We provide… leverage.

Leverage AU: Iris West finds herself working with people she once tried to help put away… but with their combined skills, they’re a greater force for good than she could have ever imagined.

{image: five gifs of various characters from the DCTV Universe overlayed with white text that states their role on the five-person team. the first gif shows John Diggle circling with his fighting opponent with a smile on his face and the word ‘HITTER’. the second gif shows Cisco Ramon rolling from one computer monitor to the next and the word ‘HACKER’. the third gif shows Cynthia Reynolds turning and giving someone a smile, her hair spinning behind her and the word ‘GRIFTER’. the fourth gif shows Leonard Snart giving a measured look from one side to another with the word ‘THIEF.’ the final gifs shows Iris West holding folders and having an intense conversation with the word ‘MASTERMIND’.}