no sign of man

the signs as fake quotes my weird cousin has attributed to famous authors

aries: as oscar Wilde once famously said, ‘fuck men’

taurus: i believe it was percy shelley who wrote ‘why cry over spilled milk when instead u could cry over everything

gemini: you can lead a horse to water, but u can’t make the horse drink that fucking water if it wants vodka instead. sun tzu said that.

cancer: y’know, steinbeck once screamed ‘death to capitalism’ while setting himself on fire, and i couldn’t agree more.

leo: i was trying to think of a hemingway quote, but thankfully i just remembered that i don’t give a shit about hemingway

virgo: Flintstone vitamins are for losers. William shakespeare.

libra: did you know that that nicki minaj took the lyrics “i beez in the trap” straight from jane austen’s iconic 1813 novel pride and Prejudice?

scorpio: maya angelou actually invented the acronym NSFW, did u know that? 'Not Safe From Whites’. they’re coming

sagittarius: the most inspirational thing walt whitman ever said was ‘dance like nobody’s watching’ that man was a poet

capricorn: ‘be there or be…gay! lol jk don’t be gay’ ~ the bible, chapter 5 verse 17

aquarius: honey, as Faulkner said once, ‘eat shit mark twain’. words to live by

pisces: nietzsche once said that dante was a ‘hyena that wrote poetry on tombs’ and i’m not making that shit up because nothing is funnier than that

the signs as songs that became memes

ARIES: Gangnam Style // Psy

TAURUS: Photograph // Nickelback

GEMINI: Crawling // Linkin Park

CANCER: A Thousand Miles // Vanessa Carlton

LEO: All Star // Smash Mouth

VIRGO: Careless Whisper // George Michael

LIBRA: Wonderwall // Oasis

SCORPIO: The Sound Of Silence // Simon & Garfunkel

SAGITTARIUS: Never Gonna Give You Up // Rick Astley

CAPRICORN: Last Resort // Papa Roach

AQUARIUS: Ocean Man // Ween

PISCES: Bring Me To Life // Evanescence

THE SIGNS AS THINGS I'VE SAID BEFORE
  • Aries: People hold hands? Psh I can't relate, I throw hands like a real man.
  • Taurus: [puts on fake glasses] It's time to read some hoes.
  • Gemini: Me actually liking someone? Sounds fake, I just like the validation that I'm not complete trash.
  • Cancer: I'm internally screaming right now because the one day I decide to wear makeup I keep crying. My eyelashes are clumping together and I cannot. I refuse.
  • Leo: Do you ever see the sun and you're like ... Man, I'd love to punch it because same. I want to punch the sun so hard. My only chance to be fist-kissed by a hottie.
  • Virgo: I feel bad that I don't recycle. I just can't be inspired to do it because I still feel terrible about life after doing so. [throws water bottle in recycling bin] Oh look, I still have depression!
  • Libra: I want to have a flowery aesthetic... I need a group of friends that are always willing to take pictures of frolicking through flower fields.
  • Scorpio: I love the fact that no one really knows anything about me, but it also makes me kind of sad at the same time. What is my legacy besides being the mysterious and hot one?
  • Sagittarius: The only person in this world who will never break my heart is education connection lady. She's still in 2009 singing about her education experience and I refuse to believe anything different.
  • Capricorn: I've spent 10 hours of my life listening to the education connection song. If I don't make it to college, then I may as well just die.
  • Aquarius: Other people around me are always like "I LOVE YOU! OMG, I LOVE YOU!" Meanwhile I'm just eating my imaginary popcorn thinking about how much I hate everyone.
  • Pisces: I'm eating five hour old chicken nuggets and I'm sad. I don't think I'll finish them... I have to throw them away... This is probably the worst thing I've ever done in my life.
Anime World You Belong In Based on Your Zodiac Sign    [Part 2]

Link to part 1: https://www.tumblr.com/blog/anime-zodiac-astrology#


Aries: Gurren Lagann

Taurus: Gintama

Gemini: Akame ga Kill

Cancer: Noragami

Leo: One Punch Man

Virgo: Black Butler

Libra: Angel Beats

Scorpio: Tokyo Ghoul (You got this Scorpios)

Sagittarius: Tales of Zestiria the X

Capricorn: Fate/Stay Night: UBW

Aquarius: D-Gray Man

Pisces: Magi

The Signs as 50% Off Quotes

Aries: “This is it. This is the year I get my penis back from that dolphin who stole it”
Taurus: “Why he touchin’ my man! WHERE HE GOIN’ WITH MAH MAN!” 
Gemini:   “Oh no. I got a flashback boner”
Cancer:  “Swim team nothing! I want that boy to be my bride!”
Leo:  *Booty Booty Booty Booty rockin’ everywhere* “Bitch you gonna be mine”
Virgo:  “I’m sinning tonight!”
Libra: “Painting sure is fun. You know what else is fun? Killing your best friend.”
Scorpio: “What’s up sluts! Guess who just got out of prison!”
Sagittarius: “THEY’RE MY OSTRICHES!”
Capricorn:  “Do not be alarmed! I’m about to be hilarious!”
Aquarius:  “USURPER!!”
Pisces: “The loser has to commit… Swimpuku.” 

the signs as florida man
  • Aries: florida man dies after winning roach eating contest
  • Taurus: florida man arrested for dialing 911 after his cat was denied entry into a strip club
  • Gemini: florida man steals truck with $75,000 worth of Campbell’s soup, has brief low-sodium joy ride
  • Cancer: florida man reportedly dances on a police car to summon help in vampire battle
  • Leo: florida man tasered after naked marriage proposal at wrong house
  • Virgo: a tired florida man fell asleep while robbing a home
  • Libra: florida man inherits 13,000 pieces of clown memorabilia
  • Scorpio: florida man arrested for assault with taco bell burrito
  • Sagittarius: florida man shot in the ass for protecting turtle’s nest from drunk guy
  • Capricorn: florida man suspected of smelling woman’s feet at library leads police on scooter chase
  • Aquarius: florida man accused of carrying jugs to water pot plants
  • Pisces: florida man enters wrong home, tries to kick everyone out