no sasquatch stop!

look at this 2 star review that my local Lush store has:

i was only about two feet into the door of the newly opened lush cosmetics store when a woman with clown shoes and green dreadlocks started rubbing my back and asking me if i wanted to smell any of the different cheeses they were offering that day to rub into your scalp at night, I refused and tried to keep to my self but it was of no use THESE PEOPLE DON’T GIVE YOU PERSONAL SPACE. They pulled me into the back of the store and started rubbing bath salts into my eyes chanting “CLEANSE HIM OF HIS IMPURITIES” my eyes were red and swolen and i could barely see, then they dunked me under water and made me bob for apples for 20 minutes, I WAS HORRIFIED. Frantically searching for a way out of this nightmare i finally agreed to buy one of their products that they said would help me grow hair on my back in a matter of minutes, It was called “sasquatch stop watch”, But in reality it was a emptied out bucket of paint filled with dirty rain water and a broken piece of a formyca table top. My expirience here was terrifying… Please help me