no one hugs me

i kept saying, ‘i don’t think i’ll post a fan account’ but here I am, posting a fan account of SHINee World V in Los Angeles this 2017.

  • First of all, still in shock that a SWCV in LA even happened i feel eternally blessed.
  • Honestly this fan account won’t be that detailed bc I am 4′5″ and didn’t see it suuuper close but I will share my personal feelings here bc I am a fan and this is my account of it all

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So complicated

Members of the public who had come to attend the service on Saturday were seated in the balcony. Due to interesting and fortuitous circumstances, I was in row 12 on the main floor. I was sitting with some TCM executives, one of whom couldn’t help but hug me while I sobbed. I put my phone away for the duration of the service- because it was a funeral and it felt VERY disrespectful to be blogging/tweeting/taking pictures & video. There were official cameras for the live stream, but other than that people in my area were paying attention and being present for “the show” (as Todd called it).

Apparently it wasn’t like that in the balcony. I’m seeing a lot of video taken by fans from up there posted online. And on the one hand, I want to watch some of it - because I was so overcome a lot of the time that I’m sure I missed some things (at the close of the choral performance, I was sobbing so hard that Dan Aykroyd had been talking for a full minute before I looked up to see that it was him). But on the other hand it just feels icky to me that people took video at a funeral. It feels disrespectful. So for those reasons, I don’t want to give the people that shot the videos site traffic.

So I’m torn. And that’s where I am today.

Monday 8:27am
I woke up with you on my mind.
You called me babe last night —
my heart is still pounding.

Tuesday 10:53pm
Today I realized we won’t work.
What we are is hurting her.
And I think she matters more to me than you do.

Wednesday 11:52pm
I broke things off with you today.
She barely said a word.
I’ve never regretted anything more than this.

Thursday 4:03pm
I shouldn’t have sent that message.
You shouldn’t have been so okay with receiving it.

Friday 9:57pm
I almost messaged you today.
I didn’t.

Saturday 8:49pm
I’m walking around town in search of alcohol.
They say that liquor numbs the pain of having a broken heart.
I want to put that to the test.

Sunday 2:32am
I heard you texted a girl you’ve never spoken to before.
I wonder if it’s because you’re trying to replace me.
I can’t help but wish you weren’t.
I thought I was irreplaceable.

—  a week with you on my mind, c.j.n.