And the honor of being the first Fates character I draw goes to this angry pineapple, inspired by my aversion towards studying and pineapples going rampant in local supermarkets–thanks for being a pretty boy, keep on being pretty
[text] I know it’s 3am, but come over and cook for me.
[text] Too lazy to booty call, so have this text instead
[text] Need to bury a body, it’s urgent.
[text] Are you sure there’s no monsters?
[text] It was an accident.
[text] lol fuk da police
[text] send me a picture and i’ll be home quicker ;)
[text] DO NOT READ THE LAST MESSAGE IT WASN’T MEANT FOR YOU
[text] Well maybe I broke my tongue!
[text] Please tell me you’re free today! I’ve got some big news today.
[text] Got a spare ticket, do you want to come?
[text] Do you have a spare mankini I can borrow?
[text] Is fancy dress allowed at the wedding?
[text] I was using my old baby blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
[text] We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead… I just rolled off and tapped out.
[text] Like alphabetically, I’d say a t?
[text] I’m sorry if throwing up in the back of your dad’s car ruined our friendship :(
[text] there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night singing karaoke and drink out of juice cartons. don’t judge me.
[text] I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn’t need it today.
[text] Do you know where I am?
[text] My wedding is in 5 hours and I have no idea where I am. Help!
[text] We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would get a piggy back ride home. I’ve never been so broken.
[text] Is “head down ass up” an appropriate way to say good morning?
[text] That is definitely not healthy, in fact I’m not sure it’s legal to send that sort of picture?
[text] There isn’t enough cookie dough ice cream at home, so I’ll be heartbroken tomorrow instead.
[text] Not sure if I took a nap or went to another dimension
[text] ABORT MISSION! ABORT MISSION! HE IS A TRIPLET, WE DONT NEED TO FIGHT OVER HIM WE CAN HAVE AN ORGY INSTEAD
[text] No no don’t leave me, who’s going to walk me home
[text] She wheeled me home in a trolley and sad she loved me, I think I win.
[text] My dick just got serenaded.
[text] I ate the whole wheel of cheese. Help.
[text] I’ve been hiding under the bed for the past 20 minutes, and now they’re getting into it and it’s a little too late for me to jump out and surprise them. So expect a live sex updates
[text] The fridge is fully stocked. I’m either hallucinating or this is a miracle
[text] I need you to help me clean the house because I have visitors in less than an hour???
[text] Your brother is at the front door- WHAT DO I SAY?!
[text] It’s all fun and games till someone says you’re so pretty they could punch you and they, you know, punch you
[text] I’m in A&E but I don’t really know why
[text] Went to bed with a 10, just about woke up with a 2 and a half
[text] I think I’m officially a homewrecker because his wife just walked in screaming and he said it’s not what it looks like. I mean what else could it look like? I wasn’t trimming his hairs with my mouth?!
[text] My night ended with me crying in a gutter, I hate you.
[text] He’s decorated the toilet with his urine. I never want to see him ever again, tell him he has 2 minutes to get out of our house.
[text] Don’t talk to me! You tried to trade me for a glass of wine and a cigarette!
[text] I promise I’ll get everyone to jelly wrestle with us xox
[text] I am armed with a crown, a sash and a bouquet of flowers. Don’t test me.
[text] I think I got married last night?
[text] I think I got married on impulse last night… and after looking a second time, I don’t think i’ve made any mistakes.
[text] My mouth tastes like poor choices
[text] I didn’t let go of the mechanical bull, but they had to pull me off because… it was rough just the way I like it and I think that showed?
[text] If I say it was accidental you’ll just say I’m lying
[text] There is an alarming amount of glitter in my… everywhere
[text] You’re my hero
[text] You’re the worst thing to ever happen to me, thank you
[text] Have you ever had a good idea in your life?
[text] Are we going to end up in the hospital again?
[text] It’s not a good night if I don’t end up crying into your mother’s lap.
[text] Mark my words, your dad will be my sugar daddy, he’ll marry me and you’ll have to call me momma bear and I will interrupt your sex life with condoms and condiments.
[text] I’m may be allergic to nuts, but not his.
[text] She high fived me out of pity
[text] You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
[text] You just walked in, rated their performance, dragged in three other people to clap for them, then walked back out.
[text] You kept calling me baby Jesus and trying to see what wise men had to say about my hair…
[text] I am a responsible adult. I tied up my hair before I puked
[text] I am a responsible adult, I brought home a lost kitten and let it shit in your room
[text] I accidentally talked myself into a threesome, when did I become so smooth?
[text] It may or may not have been your sister…
[text] It may or may not have been your brother…
[text] If you’re not coming over with food, don’t come over at all
[text] Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My co-worker is talking to me about her birds having sex again…
[text] IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
[text] Buy me a helicopter, I will give you the last slice of pizza. pls. this is important. okay maybe the crust?
[text] Let’s never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
[text] I tried to put lipstick on my eyeballs, help.
[text] I told her my cum counts as protein shake and she sent a text to my gran saying I ate her cat.
[text] If you don’t fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we’re alone in your room, I’m returning you to the boyfriend store
[text] I accidentally sexted your mum, I’m sorry xox
[text] There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
[text] I feel like you’re pretending I didn’t bail you out of jail last night for trying to staple a cushion to the top of their car so you had a “comfy place to sit”
[text] You climbed the fence and then started crying because you were scared of hamsters, I really don’t know what you took, but you need a babysitter.
[text] I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a “let’s fuck” way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of “let me wash your hair” way.
Aka payday! All of my dollars are going into my gym membership that’s been collecting dust lol. I’ve been so submerged in my job that my health hasn’t been number one. I’ve had fast food at least 3 time this week.
This needs to change soon. Expect to see me in the gym like a crazy woman praying for the perfect summer body ughhhhh. Until then, turtlenecks will have to do. 😩
Well, you probably didn’t ask that, because the internet is fucking huge and if I suddenly stopped blogging no one would probably realize it.
But in the last 2 weeks I’ve ran a negative split 5k race, bowled a 177 at my final company outing with my former employer, and have been doing my best to plan my cross-country move to Texas…
Yup. Packing whatever fits into my car and making the 24 hour drive across the country to start somewhere new.
Because why the fuck not?
I’m not big into telling people things, a handful of my coworkers didn’t even know yesterday was my last day until yesterday, but this has been in the works for quite some time and I can’t fucking wait.
You open the word document. (When did you close the word document? Weren’t you just writing?)
There are only 834 words in the word document. You thought you were almost done. (Did you dream writing the perfect epilogue? You could have sworn…)
You click over to read some reviews on your last fic as inspiration to keep going. The hit counter is broken. All of the reviews read simply: “when is the next update?” The fic is marked complete.
There is a specific piece of obscure trivia you require to finish your paragraph. You open a search engine. You blink. Your clock reads 2:57 am. You were just going to make dinner. Why are you currently reading about breeding homing pigeons on a website not updated since 2004? You can’t remember. It doesn’t matter, you finish reading. Maybe it’ll be useful one day.
You open a word document with a title you don’t recognize. It contains two lines of dialogue by a character whose name you can’t place. You think they might be from that new show that is all over your dash but that you have no plans on watching. The word document was created 14 months ago.
@thebaneofbane Asked: “Do you have any prompts where person A is trying to flirt with person B but ends up saying something really weird, something like “So I hear you like baseball. So do I. Baseball is cool. What was I saying?” and person B is either like “What is wrong with you” or goes along with it like “Yeah totally Baseball is awesome"”
Anonymous Asked: “Hello, I love your blog! could you write some funny prompts between someone who is drunk (and doesn’t normally drink) and another person?”
1. “Hey, your nose is pretty.”
“Thank you, I think.”
2. “I really like tacos. Like, a lot. But I like you more than tacos. Is that okay? Because tacos are really amazing, so if I like you more than tacos, that’s a lot. And-”
“I like you more than tacos, too. But I’m never letting you drink again.”
3. “Which is better? My face, or cookies?”
“I don’t actually know what to say to that.”
4. “You know something? I think you’re… Not awful. Like, really not awful. I want to go to baseball games with you.”
“Maybe when you’re sober.”
5. “Do you want to go out? … .To outer space and stuff?”
6. “Coffee is really yummy. You like coffee, right? I don’t know that. Because I don’t sit and watch you drink coffee outside my window every day. But you like coffee, right?? Because I like coffee.”
“I’m literally starting to wonder if you’re a serial killer.”
7. “It’s cold. Cuddle my hand.”
“It’s 80 degrees out.”
“Cuddle. My. Hand.”
8. “Wanna kiss? The chocolate, I mean. Not kiss the chocolate, but ‘Kiss, the chocolate.’ Like, a chocolate kiss. Not-”
“This keeps getting worse.”
~Tacos… Cookies… Coffee… Chocolate… I think I might be a little hungry. Hope these help!!!~