Endless Nights, Endless Cries
To say that Atsushi was surprised…was an understatement.
In fact, he was far too shock to even recognize the mixture of feelings dwelling up inside his chest, throbbing, aching, shouting. It had only been a few minutes since his mind registered the soft yet broken sound lingering around his ears, though the pain in his heart felt like it had always been there from the very beginning. The white-haired teen felt himself shaking, losing his breath even—and all he could do was stare at the young man, his mind as blank as ever.
Beside him, Akutagawa was burying his face on the palm of his hands. A few hiccups escaped his lips, followed by string of coughs, but to Atsushi it sounds more like an excuse to try to hide the sobs coming out from his own mouth. From his view, the detective could not see the tiny droplets of tears soaking the other’s pale face, or how it painted his cheeks in an inartistic portrait. The muffled sobs he heard was heartbreaking enough that Atsushi thought he’d break down as well if he saw the other unclasp his hands from his face.
It wasn’t the first time Atsushi saw him had nightmare, and he’s certain it would be far from the last. And though he had seen him struggling to forget loads of bad dreams in the past, that was the first time he saw Akutagawa cry, show vulnerability in front of someone he had considered a rival before all these secret meetings ever happened.
Atsushi didn’t even know how it all started—or how his supposed enemy Mafioso became his lover after declarations of hatred and promised revenge. All he knew was that one day, Akutagawa let him see past his stoic face and nonchalance, lips against lips in a comforting rhythm he allowed himself to listen to. And though they might be in different sides of values, or even grew up believing different versions of what’s right, their hearts still beat for each other’s name and maybe, that was all that mattered—for now.
Akutagawa inched closer to his lover, prying his hands away from his eyes. He snuggled his face over the other’s chest, seeking for certain comfort he’d been yearning for ever since the night chased the sun away. The white-haired male wrapped his arms around the other’s waist in retaliation, whispering soft promises to his skin in the fortress of their shared futon.
The former tipped his head back, revealing his swollen eyes for Atsushi to see. Black irises slowly rose to meet heterochromatic ones, silently pleading him to tell him everything’s going to be okay, that there’s still something human inside him.
He held his hands.
“You’re still with me, Akutagawa. I’m here for you, okay?”
He kissed him on the forehead.
“Your scars will remain scars, you can’t erase them. They’re a part of you and the only thing you can do is prevent them from ruining what you are now. It’s going to be okay, trust me.” A smile appeared on his face, on normal occasions it would have been returned with equal fondness from his lover, yet today was not the day. Instead, Akutagawa snapped—creating some distance between them.
“How can you say everything’s going to be okay?!” Ironic. Because just a minute ago, he’d been dreading for Atsushi to say those exact words. “You don’t understand. Unlike you, I’m unwanted. Nobody cares about me.”
His face broke into a laugh, bitter tears spilling from his black orbs in queue. For a moment, Atsushi wondered whether he said the right words or if he just made it worse. He clenched his fists, enough to draw crimson red from his palms.
“You received Dazai-san’s acknowledgement effortlessly. One thing I’ve always wanted, yet…I’m still here. Still too far for him to see.” He closed his eyelids, feeling the liquid warming up his entire body. He might be powerful, but he’s still a human. He might be nonchalant, but he’s still a human. He might be considered heartless, but he’s still a human. He might be a Mafioso, but he’s still a human.
Akutagawa Ryuunosuke is a human, yet he’s a monster to people’s eyes.
A monster, undeserving of love.
“I wish I can take your pain away. I really do.” Atsushi whispered, burying his head on the former’s torso. There it is again, his soft voice soothing the rage within Akutagawa, something touching his stoned heart. He’d always been weak for Atsushi, always searching for the warmth only the man-tiger could provide. Their hands locked together as if they had done the same thing a million times before. Through the touch, they burned—though they can never pull away.
“You told me my past doesn’t have anything to do with me anymore, right? The same could be said to you. You have to let go, Akutagawa…” He breathed the other’s scent. “Let go, and I’d be here to catch you.” The detective promised.
The tears escaped once more, accompanied by the red tint on his cheeks.
“I love you. You know that, right?” Atsushi‘s voice held sincerity, and wasn’t that the most beautiful thing he’d ever heard?
He met his lips on a chaste kiss then, breathing nothing but each other’s honesty. He touched his cheeks tenderly, sweeping away his bangs to tuck behind his ears. Everything seemed beautiful, perfect even—and in their own little world, nothing existed but the two of them staring at each other affectionately. No past, no Dazai-san, just Atsushi and Akutagawa in the confines of their love and comforting words.
Atsushi fell asleep just a few beats after the exchange. He ran his his fingers through the other’s fluffy hair, feeling the soft tendrils tickling the palm of his hands. His warm breath touched the bridge of his nose, easing, calming.
And maybe outside their shared bedroom, there were wars. There might be people fighting for their lives, or struggling to find the home they never had. Someone out there might even be getting himself drunk, waiting for his lover to come back, but really, who cares? As the past may continue to hurt the both of them, or how ghosts chase him in the dimness of his existence, he knew. He knew Atsushi would always be there for him—and no amount of scars was going to change that.
“Good night, Atsushi.”
And in that moment, Akutagawa prayed Atsushi will be forever his.
NOTE: So here’s my contribution for the Akuatsu week, Day 3: Recovery! Um, I hope you guys like it and I’m so so so sorry for how shitty this is. //hides