no matter the past

Your past is like rainbow.  It comes and lasts a little while, but moments later its over and nothing is left of it.  You may see a rainbow again, but it will never be the same rainbow.  Also two people never see the same rainbow due to the reflection through the raindrops, just like no two pasts are exactly the same no matter how similar they may seem.  Just because your past is popping up now, doesn’t mean it will always pop up.   

-something my therapist said today

For the better

Draco still can’t believe his luck. He doesn’t know what he did to deserve this. In fact, considering everything he’s done in the past, he doesn’t deserve any of this. Yet, here he is, three years after the war, happy and content. At least theoretically.

Like most nights, Draco clutches his blanket and stares at the ceiling. Sleeping has been difficult. Not because of the nightmares. They’re not completely gone, but it’s much better now. No, it’s because his chest won’t stop hurting.

He slowly turns his head to gaze at the sleeping man beside him. Draco flinches as his heart gives another painful squeeze. He stretches out his hand and carefully buries it in the mop of black curls, relishing the softness. Harry makes a pleased sound in his sleep and his lips curl up ever so slightly. Draco presses his own lips into a tight line.

Sometimes he feels like his heart is going to burst from all the happiness he feels. It’s like his body can’t cope with it, because it doesn’t know how. He’s never felt like this before. But most importantly, he doesn’t deserve this beautiful and kind man, sleeping next to him.

He still doesn’t understand what made Harry want to go out with him. He even initiated it. And now they’re living together. Draco still has a hard time showing his feelings. How can he be open about it, when he’s so conflicted and doesn’t even know what to feel most of the time? It’s hard to just accept the happiness and the way Harry seems to love him so freely.

Draco thought about ending it numerous times. Harry could do so much better than him. Not that he would ever admit that out loud, but it’s true, Draco thinks sadly. But he is far too selfish to give up on Harry.

When Draco brushes his fingers against Harry’s cheek, the other man stirs and knits his brows together.

“Can’t sleep?” he mumbles without opening his eyes.

Draco smiles at him.

“It’s okay,” he  whispers. “Sorry for waking you.”

Harry takes Draco’s hand and interlaces their fingers. He scoots over to him and buries his face in the crook of Draco’s neck. He inhales deeply and lets out a contented sigh.

Draco feels that familiar squeeze in his chest again. He wraps his arm around Harry and plants a kiss on his hair. In this moment, he vows something to himself. Not a day will go by without him trying to make this beautiful man in his arms as happy as possible. He will do everything in his power to show Harry how grateful he is that Harry chose him, for loving him, for making him want to be a better man. But how?

On the outside, he’s still as haughty and snarky as ever, but his friends keep telling him he’s changed. For the better.

He apologised to Granger and Weasley, but he knows he can do better and he’s determined to do so. Not only for Harry’s sake, but also his own.

And that’s when Draco realises, the only way he can make his boyfriend truly happy, is by being happy himself. 

It won’t be easy. He can’t just stop feeling guilty and undeserving. But he hopes he will get there someday. He can’t erase what happened in the past, but what happens in the future, that is up to him. He’s grateful he even got the chance at having a future, let alone with Harry.

So yes, Draco thinks again, he will do everything he can to make Harry happy. And that, apparently, starts with him admitting he is truly happy himself.


(Dedicated to @starshaping, who always lights up my day 💙)

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trade mistakes // panic! at the disco

The million dollar question(s): How exactly did Kakashi react when he found Sakumo dead on the floor? Did he sit there in shock? Did he go get help? 

When did he finally let himself cry? Who let this child stay in the Hatake manor after Sakumo’s suicide?

The Institute has never been a home for Alec.

He’s been born into it, the cold cathedral walls of order and humility, the black and white reality. His childhood has been a soldier’s stance, his mother’s sharp tongue and discipline still ingrained into him to this very day. Between the blue-tinted corridors and occasional trips to Idris, his whole life has played out without his input, because the eldest child wears the heavy crown of responsibility.

His life has been endless hours of studies and twice as much time spent training, until breathing burned his lungs and his knuckles turned into a kaleidoscope of bruises beneath the shattered light in the colors of the stained glass windows. His childhood was never truly his own, instead it belonged to his parents, stern-faced and cutting cold, because ‘mistake’ was not a word he was allowed to speak.

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Rose and I talked about tons of important stuff. Music, comic books, getting sand between your toes, y'know, feelings. We both made a lot of mistakes when we were young. I thought disco was coming back, she started a war, I think she felt like she had to confess everything to me, but I told her, “The past is the past. All that matters to me is who you are now.” And who she was, was an incredible, loving being. 

Greg requested by anon