no i won't make that joke

Reblog to save a ‘Be More Chill’ fans life

Rick’s other half

The most beautiful thing about their relationship is that Michonne literally completes Rick. When he’s weak mentally or physically she’s strong. When he’s hard and closed off she’s compassionate and understanding. When he’s unmotivated or distracted she’s determined and focused, but most importantly

she has an spectacular ass because he doesn’t have one at all

now tell me that isn’t true love?

gif credit: @heartfulloffandoms

The Adventure Zone Arcs and Lunar Interludes in a nutshell
  • Here There Be Gerblins: very slow, and a bit like a basic D&D game, but actually contains some important plot stuff
  • Moonlighting: bitch, you thought we was playing basic D&D, nah, welcome to the MOON
  • Murder on the Rockport Limited: take a break, solve a murder mystery and a train going at very fast.mph with your very good friend Angus Mcdonald
  • LI 1; Chaos Carnival: things get freaky but do not fear, Steven the goldfish is here
  • Petals to the Metal: nature and racing is gay now. sorry I don't make the rules
  • LI 2; Internal Affairs: our good boy Angus Mcdonald has returned. oh, also Red Robes are a thing, I guess
  • Crystal Kingdom: an upsetting amount of foreshadowing and vore jokes. Griffin why
  • LI 3; Rest and Relaxation: ~bonding time~
  • 11th Hour: now it's time for groundhogs day-esque time loops and also tragic backstory reveals and also more foreshadowing
  • LI 4; Calm Before the Storm: why won't our boys talk to each other? Also, wtf Taako, chill on the shopping sprees
  • Suffering Game: as the name will imply, it is time to s u f f e r
  • LI 5; Reunion Tour: so I heard you like plot twists and reveals
  • Stolen Century: IPRE stands for "I loPve my childRen, why must they suffEr like this?"
Reasons why I won't ever get married

- hate most people
- annoying
- my surname is Butler and I need to keep it that way because I fully intend to continue making ‘simply one hell of a Butler’ jokes well into my old age and I can’t bear to throw away this golden opportunity that life and good fortune have provided me with
- ugly

brandon we’re gonna have to start taking pickup trucks to the bookstore if you keep making these books longer!! please!! i can only lift so much!!

How to tell if The Signs like you
  • Aries: Will be more bubbly, and have less of a mean streak. Will be really fun around you.
  • Taurus: They'll probably try to be with you as much as possible. Won't say much, and will probably try to grab your arm or something.
  • Gemini: Something they do the most: Talk to you, A LOT. They might ask more about you and act interested in what you talk about.
  • Cancer: Will be very low-key around you. Will look at you with starry eyes. They might even open up more to you (more for male than female).
  • Leo: Most likely will try to be really funny around you. They'll just have that look in their eyes that says that they're enthralled.
  • Virgo: They'll probably be super nice to you, and help you with anything that you need. They may even try to do something cute to get your attention. Prepare for a lot of jokes (they might be funny).
  • Libra: Will show a more softer side of them that they don't show to everyone else. But they'll be kinda mean in a joking way.
  • Scorpio: They will share their interests and hobbies with you. Won't be as salty. They may even stare at you a little. When I say little I mean A LOT.
  • Sagittarius: They'll never even make fun of you, even in a joking way. Sagittarius' will be really sweet and will do anything for you. Very loyal.
  • Capricorn: Will start to open up to you. This takes a lot of time. Like Virgo, a lot of jokes, so prepare yourself. Won't say anything somewhat romantic, but will serve you.
  • Aquarius: Has a more independent, and detached kind of love. But will care for you deeply. They'll stand up for you of someone even does something the don't approve of to you.
  • Pisces: At first, will deny they have feelings for you. But in time they start to soften at the idea of love and will try to be as casual as possible. But when they love you. they mean it.

anonymous asked:

Halo 2's cover art was made canon by Hunt The Truth though, as there was a whole section dedicated to how Ben took that photo and then ONI cropped it and edited out all of the bad stuff to make it propaganda.

I hear Ben actually took the pictures of chief in every single halo cover art somehow, he’s known as “the silent photographer”

the signs as andrew jackson jihad lyrics
  • aries: i hate everything you do but i'm trying really hard to not hate you because hating you won't make you suck any less
  • tarus: rejoice despite the fact this world will kill you, rejoice despite this world will tear you to shreds, rejoice because you're trying your best
  • gemini: the big red bird that lives under the city doesn't give a damn about me and it dies every night
  • cancer: i am a blank page in a notebook waiting to be filled with countless drawings of cocks
  • leo: i like telling dirty jokes, and i like smoking crystal meth, but darling i love you
  • virgo: you don't know your own power, you don't know what you're worth, you don't recognize your valor, and until you do, nothing you do will matter
  • libra: i would finally meet my maker, i could meet the great creator, and i'd punch him for teaching me how to sing
  • scorpio: in this life we lead, we could conquer everything, if we could just get the brave to get out of bed in the morning
  • sagittarius: hope is for presidents and dreams are for people who are sleeping
  • capricorn: in fucking fact, mrs. robinson, the world won't care whether you live or die
  • aquarius: i wish i had a bullet big enough to kill the fucking sun, i'm sick of songs about the summer, and i hate everyone
  • pisces: i'll never fix your car, or find you another dead end job, so let's lay on this carpeted floor and draw with crayons
  • Chaeyoung: For my birthday, you have to be nice to me all day. And that means you can't say anything mean when I make a joke
  • Nayeon: [Groaning] Fine. But I can still be mean to Jeongyeon when she makes dumb jokes right?
  • Chaeyoung: Nope. I'm granting Jeongyeon joke immunity.
  • Jeongyeon: [Leaning over to Nayeon] I guess that means you won't be able to... pun-ish me today
  • Nayeon: When this birthday is over I'm gonna kill you both
  • Chaeyoung: I guess that means tomorrow is going to be our... deathday
  • Nayeon: [Flipping a table] YOU'RE NOT EVEN TRYING ANYMORE
"That's why the aliens won't talk to us."

There’s an old sarcastic joke that everyone seems to make: “Aliens haven’t contacted Earth because they just see us tearing each other apart with politics, war, and religion.”

I say sarcastic. But even among the science community, it seems to be almost meant to be philosophical, to say that we here on Earth are the worst of the worst and in the entire universe, and to me, that’s an extremely stupid assumption to make.

I can only believe that elsewhere in the universe, other intelligent species have developed their own cultures and politics, and have had their own wars and genocides. They have their own economies, their own science and space programs, their own injustices and triumphant historical heroes.

Earth is not special. Earth is not the worst of the worst. When we joke about the aliens not contacting us because they see us killing each other, that’s to say death and destruction are solely Earthly phenomena, that all these other alien species turn their noses up at us in disgust, or look down on us with pity.

No. I think out there among the cosmos, there are other civilizations fraught with exactly the same types of issues we face on our world. I think “human nature” isn’t limited to humans at all, but could be the “nature of intelligence”; that is, all intelligent societies there may be across the universe are riddled with flaws and blessed with strength.

There will always be a being who wishes for power over others. But so too will there always be a being who wishes for others to have power. Out there, wherever in the universe other civilizations exist, I confidently believe there are lifeforms fighting anti-intellectualism in their own alien societies. Beings who are developing their own technologies to travel across the stars and embark on adventures of their own. Beings who gaze in awe up at the stars and wonder if there are other civilizations after being told again and again their planet, is the center of the universe, their species, the supreme. I hope we find each other, because I know when we do, it will be the best of each of us, those who built the biggest dreams and had the greatest visions.

If we ever do encounter other intelligent lifeforms, I don’t think either of us will start a war, or run away in disgust. I believe from that day forward, we will share one goal:

To never lose each other.

  • Friend: [staring at a broken fire hydrant]
  • Friend: it won't stop spraying
  • Me:
  • Me: that'swhatshesaid
  • Friend: [starts hitting me over and over]
  • Friend: ONLY I AM
Ho Ho Hold On A Damn Minute
  • Harry was alone on Christmas Eve, with Eggsy off to Mass with his mother. Trying to be on the protective mother's good-side, especially when he was a sugar-daddy caricature, Harry hadn't complained. He woke up late today and was making brunch when Eggsy bursts in through the front door.
  • Eggsy: I'm leaving the Church. Converting to Tolkienism or something.
  • Harry: *flips a pancake*....did Mass not go well?
  • Eggsy: *hugs Harry from behind, buries his face in Harry's back*
  • Eggsy: Harry, let's elope.
  • Harry: Absolutely not. *sets aside a perfect pancake and pours more batter into the pan*
  • Eggsy: *pulls away from Harry, genuinely horrified* Why not?!
  • Harry: Because, Eggsy, weddings aren't optional. Marriage is for the couple, but weddings are for the family. It binds them together with each other, with us, so we become one family. It's always been that way. I won't take you from your mother like a thief in the night, it's disrespectful. Can't have her thinking she's not integral in our family.
  • Harry: *Flips another pancake*
  • Harry: We'll make a day of it with everyone there and it will be a proper wedding. With dancing and embarrassing stories of us and celebration. Two families becoming one.
  • Harry: *sets aside another perfect pancake while Eggsy stares agape*
  • Eggsy: Hold on a minute, did you just propose to me?
  • Harry: *Pauses and turns to Eggsy* Well, you did, actually. You suggested elopement.
  • Eggsy: I was joking, because I was mad at this woman at church.
  • Harry: *hesitant* Do you....not want to get-
  • Eggsy: Shut up, I'll marry you tomorrow. It'll be a Christmas wedding! We'll do it at the church. It'll piss off that bitch sooooo much!
  • Harry: Eggsy, no.
  • Eggsy: Eggsy, yes. It'll be great! Daisy can be the flower girl, we can-
  • Harry: The rings aren't even ready yet!
  • Eggsy: - get Merlin to-....Ready? Yet?
  • They stare each other down for a moment, before Harry sighs and grabs his plate of pancakes.
  • Harry: I want a May wedding. No compromise. *walks off towards the dining room*
  • Eggsy stares into space for a moment, before snapping out of it and shouting after Harry as he moves towards the dining room.
  • Eggsy: Hold on a damn minute, Harry Hart. You have this planned. You have this planned?
  • Eggsy: Harry.
  • Eggsy: Harry!
  • For some reason he can't explain, Eggsy can't stop smiling.
why I like your sign (use rising too)
  • <p> <b>Aries:</b> You are fun to be around. Though, sometimes you get mad at me and say rude things and I don't like that. Though, you are one of the most fun/adventurous kind of people i know (besides sag) I would want to be best friends with you. (p.s. you're hot af)<p/><b>Taurus:</b> You are one of the funniest people I know. You aren't afraid to be made fun of or make fun of other people. You are a refreshing person to be around, and you don't pressure me to be someone else. I love you guys.<p/><b>Gemini:</b> You guys talk a lot, but it's always so fun to listen to. Whether you're ranting, babbling, or just having a plain conversation, you never cease to entertain me. You always say something hilarious and make me laugh constantly. You have the best people skills out of all the signs and I love you to death. You're so precious and make a wonderful friend.<p/><b>Cancer:</b> You are literally too sweet. People say you guys cry all the time, but you are just a little sensitive, and there's nothing wrong with that. You have a tendency to bounce back--which is great. You are never hung up on anything for too long (contrary to popular belief a.k.a. from my experience with you.) In certain cancers, I've noticed you don't get hurt super easily, but when something hits you, it hits you hard.<p/><b>Leo:</b> You guys are jokers and I love to be around you. You don't take things too seriously. I can make fun of you, and you won't care; you'll just make fun of me back. You're a quality friend and great company.<p/><b>Virgo:</b> You are so great to talk to. The way you see the world is perfect. You are a mix of philosophy, logic, and fun. You are trustworthy and (in my opinion) never judegmental (at least not out loud.) Sometimes you get a little bored of everything, but you just make a really bad joke to liven it up a little.<p/><b>Libra:</b> You all are kind of quiet. You want to fit in, but remember it's okay to be a little awkward and weird. Some other Libras are just loud and don't care who they are--which is one of many great traits of your sign. You get along with almost everyone. (except for those who like to tip the scale with drama.) You have such a beautiful view of life and you can see the good in everyone.<p/><b>Scorpio:</b> I like that you can get a little crazy. You are an attractive person inside and out. You have this thing about you that no matter how hard they try, no one can hate you. They can say they hate you, but they don't truly hate you. At first, you act all sweet and nice, but then when someone gets to know you, there's a whole other side to you (which is super fun to get to know.)<p/><b>Sagittarius:</b> You make the best puns. People are always saying you don't care, and it's definitely true! You are opinionated and blunt. You share your opinions in a matter that everyone can accept. Though, sometimes you are too blunt for your own good. You like to cover your bluntness with a joke, and sometimes it doesn't work. You don't take shit from anyone and that's great. You are one of the funniest signs and I love to be around you.<p/><b>Capricorn:</b> You are so smart, but so down-to-earth. You teach me new things without making me feel stupid. You are always there for me when I need you, and you're sometimes the most awkward person ever, but it's hilarious. You don't get enough credit as a person.<p/><b>Aquarius:</b> You have good intentions, but they don't always pull through. Not a lot hurts you, which can be good and bad. Well, it seems like not a lot hurts you. It's fun to mess around with you, because you take it so well. You like to fight fire with fire and if someone does get to you, you won't take it. You'll fight back and protect yourself. The way you present yourself is attractive and your personality is magnetic. I like you a lot. (you're hot af too)<p/><b>Pisces:</b> You're so kind. You seem to always have your head in the clouds and you seem to always be looking at tomorrow. Though it is fun to dream with you, try to live in the present a little. You are so in touch with your emotions and other people's emotions as well. You seem to be able to connect with everyone on a personal level. You can comfort anyone and do it well. You are a great friend, especially in a personal crisis.<p/></p>
Stuff I've Actually Heard People Say
  • "Yeah, I just stuck him in the microwave."
  • "My friends and I have planned a murder for after school. Any tips?"
  • "You have another arm?" "Dude, everyone has two arms."
  • "It's simple, you just gag them and throw them in the trunk!"
  • "To heck with paleontology."
  • "Can you imagine if Velociraptors had wings?" "Well, actually-"
  • "Suh dude." "Same."
  • "Guard it with your life." "My knife?"
  • "First, you need have no life, Second, sell your soul to Adele."
  • "Feet; they're hands for your legs."
  • "Wow, those sure are some nice fish scales on your facial protrusions." "You really know how to sweep a girl off her feet."
  • "It's not even good garbage."
  • Teacher to the class: "Guys, I'm sorry but uh... my dog ate your homework." *Passes back chewed-up papers*
  • "Bros before toes."
  • "Woah, Dude, is that Harambe on your lock screen?" "Dude, that's my dog."
  • "Can you imagine just walking up to someone and slapping them in the face with a piece of meat?"
  • "Hey man, got any gum." "Nah dude, I'm about to kill myself." "I'm not sure how those are related, but okay."
  • "You're made of good dirt."
  • "Stop breathing so much."
  • "All my drawings look dead inside because I am dead inside."
  • "I didn't have lunch this morning."
  • "I have a strong desire to make dictators dance."
  • "Is this revenge for the octopus at the fair?"
  • "Embrace your inner childhood." "Embrace? You've got yours in a headlock!"
  • "Make sure you have Target popcorn at my funeral."
  • "And fill my coffin with glitter."
  • "I put the 'fun' in funeral."
  • "Oh my gosh, someone is going to get punched in the throat."
  • "I could do math in the time it's taking this light to change."
  • "We were both crying; it was fun."
  • "It's Halloween! Merry Christmas!...Wait."
  • "So like, if a centaur got arrested, would you handcuff its' legs?"
  • "Yeah, and I like the smell of farts."
  • "I stuffed your heart in my pencil bag, so I won't forget."
  • "Life sucks, but at least I have my Poptart."
  • "I want to build a mirror out of spoons."
  • "Joke's on you, I don't have a soul."
  • "Boy howdy do I like eating leaves off the ground."
  • "I'd rather be burnt toast than frozen bread."
  • "When I die, bury me in a Hefty bag... but make it a pretty color."
  • "I just got a great idea." "Dress up as Batman and beat up ____?"
  • "Plan B: Cry"
  • "Oh yeah, the guy with the head on his neck."
  • "I just choked on an oat."
  • "You're a substitute for a good friend."
  • "Dude, I once dropped a breakfast burrito on the garage floor, and I still ate it."
  • "We never go stale. Unlike our jokes."
  • "They speak American."
how to spot the signs
  • (usually sun or moon, rarely rising)
  • Aries: they may interrupt someone talking without noticing, may inadvertently turn the conversation into something about them or something they're passionate about, will have trouble hiding their moods, will be open in conversations and even if shy, will be fairly direct and straightforward, if you've known them for a little while they are the type to always say 'hi' first and make an effort.
  • Taurus: will seem to comfortable no matter where they are, will make witty jokes often but be more straightforward if you know each other better. complainers but also self-reliant. will talk about relationships a lot (if in one) and other than that will love discussing "pleasure" - favourite shows/food/places
  • Gemini: will talk faster than most, may tell stories leaving out important details, will be excitable and probably fidget a lot, the type to actually roll their eyes when annoyed, witty, laughs a lot, "in the moment"
  • Cancer: will "oh" a lot, ask you questions about yourself, if you ask them what's been going on for them lately they often won't hesitate to tell you everything! they complain as a way to vent but will speak highly of those they care about
  • Leo: will somehow turn the conversation into something about them, if the conversation bores them they might actually space out, will tell jokes and be very friendly. if they really like you, they'll talk about you a little more, will not care if "insulted" in a friendly way, easy-going, can sometimes inadvertently insult someone (e.g I would never do something like that)
  • , dramatic
  • Virgo: is quiet, almost docile but stern. will rarely try to make themselves the subject of the conversation, will talk about things they've overcome or believe in, will do small things "nit picky things" (e.g their locker might be a mess but they wipe the excess water of their water bottle with a napkin after very sip)
  • Libra: not necessarily shy but if everyone is talking they won't butt in, they'll remain quiet and possibly just smile. they seem to be almost easily intimidated even if they aren't, they will talk about being fair a lot (but then say something that completely isn't), they will use manners a lot and do subtle things to make sure you are comfortable, they can become very suddenly agitated
  • Scorpio: will be mostly easy going yet very intense. they will not really talk unless spoken to but once they do they can often talk for hours! they are emotional which makes them very good at telling stories/joining in with conversations - is often surprisingly comical. very "relatable" type people
  • Sagittarius: loud, friendly and welcoming. can be preachy and if given the chance will talk about their goals, they have an overall "chill" vibe. they like everything to have an element of fun so that's what they'll try to do. sometimes can seem arrogant because they "know more than you", dramatic
  • Capricorn: will seem calm, sometimes "stiff", sometimes they're breathing might even seem "stiff". they're overall friendly but are straightforward, they aren't afraid of confrontation but are usually civil, they want to have "easy" conversations and usually not too much stimulation
  • Aquarius: they zone out a lot, some will pretend to be "weird" and that's all they can talk about, others seem to have "deep" conversations while at other times seem to tell stories that are actually go nowhere leaving everyone confused, will talk about their beliefs a lot, will "argue" (debate) a lot, all knowing, friendly
  • Pisces: very relaxed vibe usually, usually great conversationalist because they talk and listen equal amounts, sometimes they seem spacey when no one is talking to them, often jokes a lot and is very fond of self deprecating humour. may even be clumsy. prone to being teary, even when laughing.