okay so i am a nerd and love the nasa comparison for IPRE and know way too much about nasa recruiting methods, so i’m here to tell y’all that one of the most important things that they do for recruiting long term missions is making sure that an entire team is compatible personality wise and will often make their final decisions on how they interact with each other and anyway i’m looking for whatever fuck that looked at taako and lup and then barry and said it’d be fine
I understand. Let's say just get up in the morning, get some breakfast, go for a walk...and that's it for a start.
*internally: sounds reasonable, but that means first fighting against my will to just stay in bed and act as if I'm not existing. Getting up either way and facing my face and body in the mirror. There's an 80% chance that it's one of those days and I hate myself just so fucking much I could scream. But there's also a chance I look in the mirror and find a person that does not seem to be familiar to me looking back at me. Still, now you want me to shower and wash this body I find really disgusting. I have to see every single scar I have and maybe feel the burn of fresh cuts. Then I have to put on cloth, brush my teeth and my hair and do my makeup, as I can't go outside without hiding my ugly face under layers of primers and foundations and powders and highlighters and fake lashes and a perfect contour and a big nude fake smile. I spend money I don't have to make myself look good enough for myself to endure my own appearance. I remember to take my meds. Now I'm dressed (in clothes that hopefully say 'i don't care' when really I care a lot) and can go to the kitchen to prepare food that I know I won't be able to eat in 50% of the cases. There's also a good chance that I eat it and then find myself throwing up and ruining my makeup feeling every single disgusting cell of fat on my body vibrate while trying to breathe. Well either way let's say I might redo my make-up, brush my teeth again and step outside. I maybe take my horse with me and walk through the neighbourhood. I have to see people. I feel anxious. I would love to just turn around and go back home. But I keep on walking, trying to seem selfconfident so my horse and neighbours can't see or feel my insecurity. I'll try to be friendly and act normal even though I'm sure they hate me and laugh about me. Still if the communication between my horse and me isn't perfect today I'll probably cry and if a neighbour just looks at me in a way that i interpret to be unfriendly or cold or annoyed I'll probably cry too. Let's say I'm back home. Now it's like 11 in the morning. What do I do? By now I'm an emotional wreck, tired as hell, probably planing on how to harm myself with one half of my brain while the other half bundles it's last energy to prevent exactly this from happening. How do I survive the rest?*
If I’m right, AND I DON’T REALLY WANT TO BE RIGHT, their final
moment together doesn’t even get to be a private one, but one only fringing on
the true affection between them. But the FLOATY BUBBLES SAY IT ALL, OK.
YOU CAN MEASURE FEELINGS IN FLOATY BUBBLES ALONE, AND LOOK
HOW MANY THERE ARE.
The third panel is the most striking of them all, because
I’m so sure that it’s their final touch. It’s an unusual angle with an unusual
focus, and I think it’s emphasising that the end of this last gesture between
them is their final goodbye. As he drops her hair for the last time, they will
never see each other again. I just don’t know which one of them it is that’s
about to die.
Hopefully not both but
YOU KNOW HOW CLAMP IS. YOU JUST NEVER KNOW.
And then Kuropapa’s off to face his fate.
AND BLESS KUROGANE’S LITTLE HEART, HE WANTS TO GO TOO.
BECAUSE HE FEELS ALL THE SAME FINALITY THAT HIS PARENTS DO BUT FROM WITHIN HIS EXTRA
SPHERE OF POWERLESSNESS THAT SCARES AND FRUSTRATES HIM BEYOND WHAT HE KNOWS WHAT TO DO WITH.
SO HE WANTS TO HELP. HE WANTS TO DO ALL HE CAN TO TRY AND
STOP ANYTHING BAD FROM HAPPENING.
BUT THERE IS NO WAY HE WILL BE ENOUGH.
No-one would ever be enough.
It kills me how even in this, Kuropapa does it in the nicest way possible.
He recognises the feelings Kurogane is having and affirms them. He acknowledges that Kurogane IS, in fact, strong, instead of taking the other possible route and insisting that he’s not strong enough. Because here, too, he knows that this might just be the last moment he gets, and he uses it as a moment of love and encouragement
AND THAT LITTLE HEAD TOUCH. GET OUT OF HERE.
There is no way this is anything but the last thing Kuropapa
ever gets to say to him. There is NO WAY.
LOOK AT THE ART OK. THE NINJAS ARE ALL FADING AS THEY TURN AWAY AND
WALK INTO THE DISTANCE.
THIS IS IT. THEY’RE ALL GONNA DIE.
It’s so clear just how much these final words chained
themselves around Kurogane’s heart and never left him. Even during his darkest days in the future, his obsession with strength always stemmed from this, and it’s so easy to guess
that his bitterness and focus on revenge could have stemmed from an inverted
version of this final statement that Kuropapa gives him.
Kurogane, at his worst, sought strength to
make up for the family he didn’t couldn’t save in this moment.
Kurogane, as he grows to a
better and healthier version of himself, realises that he has more family to
protect, and also that he himself might
also be worth protecting.
But even just here, in this one moment, Kurogane’s father’s
words work on so many levels. Kuropapa does what he does to protect Kurogane,
his wife, and the entire clan – even when the odds are very heavily implying that he won’t be enough. Kuromama
too does what she does to protect them all. Her health is failing her, steadily
slipping away, and yet she insisted on the final blessing to save her husband,
because her strength too is all focussed around saving the ones she loves – her
husband AND her entire clan, and everyone else in the country that relies on
And that’s what will hit Kurogane so hard later. Not only
because losing his family in a horrible and violent manner is one of the worst
things that could ever happen, but also because in his eyes he failed in the same basic tenant that holds his family together. He
wants to go with his father to help protect Suwa, but he can’t. He’s meant to
stay behind and help protect his mother, but he doesn’t manage that either. His
strength, while recognised fondly by his father, is not enough – was never
going to be enough. And that’s exactly what sends him into such horrifying
spiral of murder and revenge and a desperate clawing need to reclaim some
sense that he could have made a difference.
AND JESUS CHRIST WHAT IS SYAORAN GOING TO DO WITH THIS
INFORMATION. HE’S ALREADY READY TO THROW HIMSELF UNDER A BUS TO RESCUE EVEN A
SLIVER OF SAKURA’S SOUL. WE DON’T NEED TO ENCOURAGE THESE TENDENCIES WITHIN HIM
ANY FURTHER THAN THEY ALREADY EXIST.
But actually, now that I think about it, that might be all
the difference. Kurogane’sarc in the
manga overall (so far) is slowly healing and allowing himself to recover. I have a lot of confidence that he’ll
pull it off, because he’s come a long way already, and he’ll be all the
stronger to protect his new family.
I just hope that it’s the new Kurogane that has the biggest
influence on Syaoran and not the old one. Because Syaoran needs to allow
himself to heal as well, and I’m convinced that he doesn’t even know it yet.