Ways men opt out of housework and childcare by “helping out”
take on weekly or monthly tasks, and think it’s equal to their wives daily tasks (even when wives also have weekly and monthly tasks)
take on tasks that require very little time or hard labor, like mowing the lawn.
take on a “project” that could be fixed by a professional, and work on it little by little but never really finish
create chores for their children, i.e. delegate rather than doing
do housework only in tandem, i.e. never on their own or without help.
volunteer on their own for some disliked task. For example, cleaning the toilets without asking. unfortunately, this tends to be seen as very loving and exceptional. Often it will be used as an excuse not to do anything else
enthusiastically volunteer to do things often, then conveniently “forget”, “make plans”, or have some sort of weird parameter to get started. When wife or child does it instead, claim they were going to do it, really!
pick a jurisdiction they already enjoy, like “take care of dog” or “the yard”
do something really badly, so that someone else has to do it for them anyway afterwards
“tidy up” a mess they made
pick up or organize clutter, however the often stressful, emotional, and time consuming task of de-cluttering is left undone or for someone else
meticulous keep clean a space that is only theirs, i.e. their study, their garage.
create tasks that aren’t needed, like “organize the toolbox” or “rearrange the bookshelf”
do tasks that require prep work that their wives will do for them (i.e. grilling the food, but not planning, purchasing, seasoning or preparing the sides)
take control of “finances” but do very little, perhaps the taxes. this is also used as a way to control their wives often
use their time with their children to play or dole out discipline/lessons, but very little time on feeding/bathing/dressing or organizing their lives. this is also away men can create a “fun parent/mean parent” dynamic
make lists of what needs to get done, discuss what needs to get done with their wives, act very invested in the housework, take on a “manager” role in the housework, but do very little of it
tell wives that what little is done in the house, by either of them, is “enough” and that he “doesn’t care” what the house looks like (this is a l i e). i.e. doing little and then making an emotional appeal that it’s fine, co-opting the emotional labor his wife does for him, but actually it’s very manipulative
getting involved with children’s after school activities, i.e. being a coach, organizing a concert, etc. often a thing he already enjoys. often does very little of the organizing/plan making. often makes little effort to create time for his wife’s personal interests
pay attention to your fathers, brothers, uncles, grandfathers, boyfriends, husbands actions. you’ll start to see these constantly
My husband is a good man, and a good feminist ally. I could tell, as I walked him through it, that he was trying to grasp what I was getting at. But he didn’t. He said he’d try to do more cleaning around the house to help me out. He restated that all I ever needed to do was ask him for help, but therein lies the problem. I don’t want to micromanage housework. I want a partner with equal initiative.
However, it’s not as easy as telling him that. My husband, despite his good nature and admirable intentions, still responds to criticism in a very patriarchal way. Forcing him to see emotional labor for the work it is feels like a personal attack on his character. If I were to point out random emotional labor duties I carry out—reminding him of his family’s birthdays, carrying in my head the entire school handbook and dietary guidelines for lunches, updating the calendar to include everyone’s schedules, asking his mother to babysit the kids when we go out, keeping track of what food and household items we are running low on, tidying everyone’s strewn about belongings, the unending hell that is laundry—he would take it as me saying, “Look at everything I’m doing that you’re not. You’re a bad person for ignoring me and not pulling your weight.”
Bearing the brunt of all this emotional labor in a household is frustrating. It’s the word I hear most commonly when talking to friends about the subject of all the behind-the-scenes work they do. It’s frustrating to be saddled with all of these responsibilities, no one to acknowledge the work you are doing, and no way to change it without a major confrontation.
“What bothers me the most about having any conversation around emotional labor is being seen as a nag,” says Kelly Burch, a freelance journalist who works primarily from home. “My partner feels irritated and defensive by the fact that I’m always pointing out what he’s not doing. It shuts him down. I understand why it would be frustrating from his perspective, but I haven’t figured out another way to make him aware of all the emotional and mental energy I’m spending to keep the house running.”
Robin’s whole story is heartbreaking, but there is this one scene of her, 8 years old, eating and crying while her aunt (or whatever she is) yells at her for “eating too much” when shES JUST HAVING A PIECE OF BREAD FOR DINNER AND i… cry………….
“Both my wife and I were raised in Guyana. Neither of our families demonstrated much affection. Physical contact was always reserved for discipline. There was a certain harshness in our household that I believe was passed down from slavery. Slaves were always punished for showing affection. They were never allowed to bond. And the effects of that have been passed down through the generations.My wife and I aren’t passionate people. We don’t express our feelings. We don’t say ‘I love you.’ We just banter back and forth. But now she’s sick with a major diagnosis. I’ve had to do everything for her: the shopping, the cooking, the housework. I try to be as responsive as possible to her needs. It’s the only way I know to show her that I care and I feel and I hurt.”
Modern AU with magic where mages are still required to attend the Circle but are allowed to leave once they pass the Harrowing. There are still many restriction on the mages and what they can do compared to a non-magical person and mage rights activism is a thing.
Anders is in his late teens when he tries to escape from the Circle but he is caught. He is sent to a harsher, more strict “program” that rehabilitates problematic mage teenagers. A part of his rehabilitation program is that, in order to make these delinquent teens more adapted to society, the mages are given various jobs around the city, with their magic silenced and while wearing a tracker.
Because Anders hasn’t actually been violent towards other people using his magic, he’s give the “reward” job of working at a noble’s house as a house worker, instead of other harder jobs like public construction. But because of Anders’ tendencies to get mouthy and spout insults, his tracker also prevents him from speaking for more than a few words at a time.
Anders is assigned to the Amell mansion and the Hawke family living there.
*Is lazing about on the couch like a slob*
*Sees Victor and puts his duster down, sauntering over and getting atop him* Babe... *Takes his glasses off, flushes his hair back and smirks, licking his lips before leaning down, pecking Victor on the lips* You busy?
We are children. My dad calls me to go outside with him to help fix the car. He needs me to find him a wrench in the garage. The garage is always filled with spiders and he knows I’m afraid. My brother is not. He’s inside playing video games. He doesn’t have to help look. He never has to help look. “You’re better at finding things.”
Practice makes perfect.
Mija, serve your brother.
My maternal grandma comes up to visit. The house is still a mess. I juggle honors classes, caring for the baby, caring for my brother, the bulk of the chores. Something had to give. My grandma looks at the house and then at me. “I could just beat you!” She growls. Nothing is said to my brother.
Later, she is helping make dinner. She brought a chicken and wants to show me how to cut it properly. I don’t want to. I’m tired from all the cleaning. She threatens to kick me. My mother says nothing about it. Just “You’ll have to learn to cook for when you have a husband!” My brother continues to play with his toys.
I drop my honors classes.
Mija, serve your brother.
We’re in high school now. The washing machine has broken. It’s been broken for weeks. We’ve run out of money and can’t afford to go to the laundromat. My dad arranges for his sister to pick us up and take us to his parents house so we can use their washer.
I’ve done my own laundry since I was 12. I wash, dry, and fold and then put them in my hamper. I then decide to go on a walk. I come back hours later. “Thanks for leaving me with all the work!” My mother snaps. My brother is playing with our cousin.
I will not serve my brother. He can serve himself.
I put myself through college. I want a STEM degree. My days revolve around homework, notes, clubs, work. I no longer have time for all the housework. I will not sacrifice my education, my glimmer of a chance out of this nightmare.
My brother lives on Youtube. He stays on Netflix until the sun rises. He is glued to the couch with the Playstation controller in his hands. Dishes are crusty. The laundry goes undone. The trash piles.The cat shits behind the chair because the litter is too dirty. He doesn’t want to pull his weight around the house.
I have some thoughts, on insect monster boyfriends, so please consider….
really sweet insect boyfriends who are so used to worrying about AN ENTIRE HIVE that they really want to do everything around the house. You try really hard to help, but he’s very insistent that you focus on your hobbies or work and let him do the housework. And it’s not just because he’s used to it, he genuinely LOVES doing stuff around the house. It’s kind of weird actually. You talk to him about how it’s only fair to share duties around the house and then when you try to split up chores he’s like “I can’t decide, i like doing all these things.” and you’re like????
Insect boyfriends who turn your entire house into a nest and it’s like silk so it’s super soft and keeps the house so much warmer. And he’s constantly worrying about you while you’re gone from the house because what if you get attacked??? or catch a cold??? WHY ARE HUMANS SO FRAGILE??? And then you finally get home and he’s all over you for like 2 hours, fretting like a mother hen and touching you with his antenna to check your vitals and mood.
Three bee monster boyfriends who make you lots of literally the best honey you’ve ever had and they treat you like top dog.They’re way more eager than any human to be at your beck and call. All three of them heavily devoted to you, but perhaps a little too aggressive towards other people who come in the house. They’re especially agitated by others of (your sex/gender) because they feel like they might be a threat to your authority.
A super cute but slightly nervous preying mantis boyfriend who really likes you but isn’t too keen on the idea of maybe getting his head bit off. You’re constantly reassuring him that humans don’t eat the heads off their mates. So of course he’s confused by certain sexual slang. Despite being skittish around you he’s pretty chill with other people, which was really confusing early on in the relationship. But he assures you he’s only nervous because he’s genuinely interested in you.
Centipede boyfriends with lots of arms who like to completely curl around you because they’re honestly really protective and they want to make sure nothing comes and gets you while you’re resting. At least he has hard plating but you’re all squishy and soft. He loves that though, he loves how pliable you are and sometimes when he’s bored he’ll nibble on you idly because he likes how your skin molds under his mandibles and tongue.