no fighting with other people

In which I seduce the villain of a side quest

Context: So this is the same Mae Gjallarfjall who seduced the pirate captain on the first game. In a later session, we have arrived at the capital of Fountland, which will serve as our base of operations for most of the campaign. The party decided to run some sidequests to make some cash and possibly find some loot. So we pick two bounties that are the opposite of each other. One is a dude who wants help fighting off an army of 5000 people, and the other is the army of 5000 looking for more help. Our way of completing both was… unusual.

DM: So, you guys arrive at the camp of five thousand men. One of them turns to you guys and asks “Who the fuck are you?”

Me (OOC): I pull out the job poster and tell him I’m looking for his leader.

DM: He points you the right way and wishes you luck.

Me (OOC): We continue on to the tent and I walk in without announcing myself.

DM: You find Meb in her tent, barely clothed and sitting on a throne made of men. She looks at you as you approach.

Me (OOC): I roll Persuasion to sway my hips seductively as I continue forward. *rolls +2 and ties Meb’s Initiative check*

DM: She raises an eyebrow at you and smiles. She greets you and demands that you state your business.

Me: *holding up her Help Wanted poster* I came to see about your job offer. You have five thousand men at your disposal against a single enemy, and yet you cannot best him? Why?

DM (as Meb): Ah, yes, I and my… rival, shall we say, have a contract in place. I’m only allowed to send one soldier per day.

Me: And for what ends?

DM (as Meb): To steal a cow.

Me: What’s so special about this cow? Can’t you just buy it from him? If you have the money for an army, surely you can buy a cow.

DM (as Meb): It’s a really nice cow. And he won’t sell it to me.

Me: Well, if you haven’t already sent your soldier for the day, I’ll go next and end this whole feud.

DM (as Meb): I like the sound of that. For now, find yourself a tent and rest up for the night. He’s tougher than you may think.

The rest of the party salutes and turns to leave.

Me (OOC): As I turn and walk out, I roll Persuasion again to sway my hips. *Rolls +3 and successfully seduces Meb*

DM (as Meb): Except you. *pointing at me* You stay. You’ve caught my eye… What’s your name, hun?

Me: Name’s Mae Gjallarfjall. Pleased to make your acquaintance.

DM (as Meb): Oh, we’re going to be far more than mere “acquaintances.“ (OOC): Roll Initiative.

Me (OOC): *critfail*

DM to me: You fail to notice her grab a whip from her throne as she steps towards you.

The rest of the party, meanwhile, comes up with a plan to con Meb by disguising Paladin’s horse as the beautiful cow. In the morning, McCooly (the dude with the cow) would feign loss and run away with the real cow, giving the horse to Meb as per the feud contract. I, however, was getting laid, so I missed all of this.

DM: It is morning! Cocka-doodle-doo! The cow says "Moo!” McCooly is waiting in his usual spot just between his ranch and Meb’s camp. Mae, you wake up very sore but strangely refreshed.

Me: Welp, time to take care of this job. (OOC): Doot doot doot. I head out to where McCooly is.

DM: He charges you with a very predictable path at a very slow speed, and winks at you. Initiative.

Me: *+2 Initiative, +3 Block*

DM: You successfully block. He says “Oh no, you are so fast! How did you ever see my attack coming?”

Me (OOC): I punch him right in the face with Storm Fist. *Rolls +2 for contact and +5 for damage, fail the stun chance, but land the cooldown reset*

DM: He looks at you funny and whispers at you “What are you doing, you’re supposed to go easy!” He then swings his spear at you again. It is very easy to read.

Me (OOC): *+1 Initiative* I notice, and +2 Block.

DM: You block again, and he says “Well, I guess I don’t have to hold back either.” He’s trying to shiv you with the spear. Initiative.

Me (OOC): *Same rolls as lats time.*

DM: You do NOT block, and you get shivved for 7 damage.

Me (OOC): That’s 3 after armor, I take it as HP. My turn?

DM: Yes.

Me (OOC): I’m going to poke him right under the jaw in that soft spot between the bone.

DM: I guess that counts as Bare Knuckle. Roll.

Me: *connects and does 5 damage* And now, I spend a fate chip to instantly reset the cooldown of Fist of Havoc, and I’m Smashing. *rolls 36 damage*

DM: …aw… why? You killed McCooly. He’s like, the coolest NPC ever, man.

Me (OOC): Afterwards I roll First Aid to keep him from being completely dead.

DM: So after he wakes up, he shakes your hand and compliments your strength, and hands you 90 gold to split between the three of you. He then takes the fake cow over to Meb and hands it over. Meb then tosses you an additional 90 gold to split, and blows a kiss at Mae.

okay but i know a lot of people are on the knight jeremy train, but hear me out for a second

king jeremy

one of the youngest kings out of the current kings to rule. he may not know a whole lot, but he tries his best to learn all he can so he can run a successful kingdom. who always puts his people first and is one of the kindest rulers. who creates beautiful buildings and structures either for people to live in or to decorate the kingdom. who is fair and kind and courageous. a man who is a nightmare on the battlefield and can destroy armies with little effort. a man who charges into battle with hell’s fire in his veins. who, after every battle, weeps for the lost lives and goes to the homes of the knights who gave their lives to say his condolences to the families, should their families be alive. a king who gives it his all to protect everyone, even if they have committed crimes.

literally just give me king jeremy who tries his best and is always optimistic and trying to make his kingdom a welcome place for all to come to.

minister-of-silly-walks  asked:

I lied. I thought of another idea. MarcoAce and a power rangers au

“I blame you,” Ace shouts punching the thing, it looks like one of the cheesy villains from the cartoons that Luffy use to watch on Saturday mornings, in the face and launching it back to take out several more. “This is your fault.”

“How is it my fault?” Marco demands, Ace is sure he’s making some kind of face underneath his helmet. “I didn’t do anything wrong.”

“You planned this date in the middle of our last fight, they knew we would be here today!”

Marco pauses, barely ducking an appendage, was that an arm or some kind of tentacle?, “You might be right.”

“I am right. Duck!”

Marco rolls away from where he had been standing as Izo lands, violet armor glinting in the light, Thatch and Haruta on his heels.

“Took you long enough!” Ace snaps. “We all know you were following us anyway!”

“I would never!” Haruta snaps, the bright green armor protecting her from a beam of light from a weapon. “Maybe. I might have been.”

“I knew it!”

Marco sighs, “We can argue later! Right now we have people to fight.”

“Are they really people?” Izo mutters. “They look like those tentacle monsters in the porn we all know Thatch keeps under his bed.”

“I do not!” Thatch shrieks. “Izo!”

“I will break you both,” Ace says trying to move out of the way of the strange person shouting and saying they would be victorious. “I don’t want to know about Thatch’s porn. We all know too much about each other.”

“You love us,” Haruta sings bouncing over one of her targets. “You adore us, Red leader.”

“We look like crayons,” Izo mutters. Marco sighs, this is a reoccurring problem. “Really ugly crayons.”

 “I’m bright yellow, fight me Izo.” Marco states calmly.

“True,” Izo sniffs. “Violet is closer to my color.”

“You’re all jealous that I got blue!”

“Thatch, I would trade you for one corn chip,” Haruta states drolly. “One single corn chip.”

“Rude!”

“We don’t have time for your drama!” Ace shouts. “I want to get back to my date.”

Thatch coughs, “Make out like teenagers.”

“We are teenagers,” Marco reminds them calmly. “And no, we have plans to watch movies with his brothers.”

anonymous asked:

Tweets that sound mean but are just sexually frustrated ones tho. "How dare Matt Boyd be so tall and friendly. Get down here, boy." / "Oh look at me, I'm Neil Josten, I have perfect hair and dreamy eyes!" / "I fucking hate Allison Reynold's flawless skin and perfectly styled hair and incredibly white teeth, hOW DARE SHE." / "I can't believe Renee I'm a goddamn saint Walker"

TRUTH the foxes are all so attractive this is what half their mentions would be, the other half is people jokingly asking to fight them. neil, contrary to popular belief, does come to understand internet humour and thinks it’s funny meanwhile andrew thinks he’s being naive because honestly he wouldn’t be surprised if every single of these people genuinely wanted to deck neil josten

lance: are you- are you saying i’m not your greatest rival?

keith: well, i mean. no?

lance: but, but who else drives you to one-up them the way that i do?

keith: .. the gladiators in the training room?

lance: someone alive, keith!

keith: then i’d currently say that i don’t have a rival. i am fighting a few, different, people.

lance: … what?

keith: i like to fight around.

10

#TeamEunTak

8

good is not a thing you are
it’s a thing you do.

do you ever wonder why things turn out the way they do?” she asks but doesn’t wait for a reply. 
“i mean, do you question how two people can love each other so deeply, but no matter what, love isn’t enough? i think about it all the time, and i can’t seem to grasp the fact that in a society where love is so rare, it’s still not enough for two people to fight for each other.

lil vanessa and lil nina have never had a fight ever because they are the worlds most perfect friends and you can fight me on this

There was an outbreak at my uni of people stretching their ears enough to put the horns of an animal, like a buffalo, in their earlobes. This became such a #trend that the campus convenience stores sold horns. One day, they ran out of horns, but for some reason they also sold dildos. Some dude decided to buy dildos for his ears instead. This became the new trend. At some point, there were people fighting, and they were hitting each other with their dildos.

SONIC 06 IS BETTER THAN THE GREAT GATSBY.

Oops.

I’m playing as a witch in our newest campaign….magic is a lot harder than I thought.

Context: we’re in a cave and the party split up. 4 people just fought 9 spiders and all but one were knocked out. Now it’s me and 2 other people trying to fight spiders in a different part of the cave and one girl was already knocked out and inflict light wounds isn’t doing much for me.

Me, panicking: should I use my crossbow? Should I use a spell?

our DM, who is trying DMing for the first time: why don’t you use one of your hexes?

me: they wouldn’t fit in this situation…

the sorceror, who is really good at pathfinder and DMs a lot: I told you misfortune would be a good idea…

me: DON’T YELL AT ME!!! ALL I HAVE IS “KILL SHIT” (blight) AND “TALK TO SPIDERS” (tongues, in which I could have spoken to the spiders for a minute)

the sorceror: WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY??? WE COULD HAVE AVOIDED THIS IF YOU HAD TALKED TO THEM!!!!

Me: is it too late??

our DM: well, you already cut 2 of its legs off so it probably won’t want to listen to you

anonymous asked:

Im thinking of following you, but before I do, what are your opinions on the following: -abortion -BLM -Asexual and aromantic people -punching nazis -non-binary people -trump -the Muslim Ban -dads getting equality in custody battles -teen vogue writing on politics -an LGBTQ+ Disney Princess -an LGBTQ+ Disney Prince Thank you for your time ... and I hope you find $20 or something : )

Ha! Answering for the record and for existing followers, not for the like or the $20, although I’ll happily take both.

1.  abortion: 

1,000% pro-choice. I created a masterpost on the hypocrisy of the pro-life movement.

Receipts: http://profeminist.tumblr.com/tagged/pro-choice

2.  BLM:

Support 1,000%. I’m a white person who is dedicated to fighting racism, confronting other white people, and promoting POC rights, equality and representation.

Receipts: http://profeminist.tumblr.com/tagged/black-lives-matter

3.  Asexual and aromantic people:

Love ‘em and got their back. ACE AND ARO PRIDE NOT ERASURE

Receipts: http://profeminist.tumblr.com/tagged/ace

4.  punching nazis:

5.  non-binary people:

Love ‘em and got their back. LOVE, RESPECT AND PROTECT TRANS AND NON-BINARY PEOPLE.

Receipts: (lots of overlap between tags, specific NB stories are tagged non-binary)

http://profeminist.tumblr.com/tagged/transgender

http://profeminist.tumblr.com/tagged/nonbinary

6.  trump:

Evil incarnate. Threat to humanity. Needs impeaching immediately for conspiracy with Russians to rig the election. 

Receipts: http://profeminist.tumblr.com/tagged/donald-trump

7.  the Muslim Ban:

NO BAN NO WALL. Racist AF, needs to be stopped at every attempt.

Receipts: http://profeminist.tumblr.com/tagged/muslim-ban

8. dads getting equality in custody battles

Custody decisions need to be made on a case-by-case basis, based on the best interests of the child. There is no “one size fits all” statement when it comes to something so specific to the individuals involved. 

9.  teen vogue writing on politics:

They’re killing it. Others need to follow their lead.

Receipts: http://profeminist.tumblr.com/tagged/teen-vogue

10.  an LGBTQ+ Disney Princess -an LGBTQ+ Disney Prince:

Long overdue!

Disney Pride Graphics - free to use

I hope you find $20 or something : ) 

I hope so too!

So there you got Abby and Erin, the core relationship of the movie with Erin literally jumping on the other side for Abby. But you also have Holtz and Abby who’ve known each other for a while and worked together all these years and Abby was Holtz’s family as stated in her final speech. BUT you also got Patty and Holtz, always being the dynamic and fun duo, the Baby™ petnames and having each other’s backs. BUT ALSO you got the heavy gay subtext on literally every scenes with Holtz and Erin, The Wink ™, The Dance™, The Bickering™, The Swiss Army Knife™   and so on..

SO what I mean to say here is: every ships in Ghostbusters (2016) are wonderful and whatever pairing you’re shipping, it is good and pure so please enjoy

shadowhunters fluff/sitcom/everyone is happy universe episode 1: pet shop

jace wants to get a pet to therapeutically heal from the falcon story and the gang goes along for moral support

once confronted with all the pups and kits and adorable faces the gang is suddenly much more invested and investigate ‘for jace’

luke is kind of bummed at first bc he used to love animals but now that hes a werewolf animals are always scared of him. but he doesnt want to ruin everyone elses fun so he tries to stay out of trouble and drifts to the back where he finds a wall of reptiles. one thin green one seems to be looking right at him. ‘just like harry potter’ luke thinks, smiling to himself. it is just like harry potter, luke. he tentatively reaches into its cage and picks it up. it wriggles around in his hands contentedly and wraps itself around his wrist. its smooth cold skin is refreshing since luke usually runs pretty hot since the change. he turns around to show someone his new friend (hopefully simon since hes always been terrified of snakes) and sees magnus holding a 30 pound yellow python around his shoulders. ‘just like britney’ whispers luke. ‘JUST LIKE BRITNEY!’ cheers magnus.

izzy and alec, meanwhile, gravitate towards the kitties and puppies respectively. they playfully banter over the differences between cat and dog people, quickly becoming less casual and more competitive. they give each other a look. cut to 10 minutes later theyre giving their troops battle speeches before they send them down the racetracks and obstacle courses they made out of treat boxes, jimmy jabs style

clary and simon go with jace to look at the hamsters and mice and bunnies. jace, with at least 2 tiny soft little furballs in each hand and a tear in his eye: ‘theyre okay i guess.’ simon and clary politely ignore his sniffling, even when he uses a guinea pig’s fur to dry his tears. clary and simon are good friends. theyre all amusing themselves picking out animals that remind them of the rest of the gang when simon says ‘guys. uh.’ by some wacky twist of circumstance simon has managed to release every single rodent in the store. ‘we should tell someone’ simon says intelligently, eyes wide with worry. ‘NO WE SHOULDNT WE CAN HANDLE IT’ jace and clary whisper frantically, eyes wild with determination. as it turns out, they can not handle it. they can not handle it at all.