Best of 2016: a year in D&D
DM: Yeah, it’s a free action to hiss, but not to hiss with menace.
DM: Never underestimate the power of pocket sand as a weapon.
AND LASTLY, A TIP FOR DMS:
Turns out water guns are the BEST tool for keeping the party on track. They don’t just work on cats!
Aim away from the character sheets, though.
Harpy: (bored voice) What is your business in the Forgotten Gorge?
Grunt (orc paladin): We’re looking for a gay princess.
Harpy: Aren’t we all?
Me-I-Am: Do you have one?
Harpy: Do you think I’d be sitting guard on this lonely-ass rock if I did?
NPC: Let me show you to your room.
Kate (medic): Does she walk really fucking slowly?
DM: Yes, and if you bump into her she turns around and stares at you before going on.
Guldurphen (elf wizard): So, speaking of gay sex with deer…
*party is discussing whether they should burn down an NPC’s house after killing him*
DM: *sighs loudly*
DM: *raises left hand* Leave quietly with nobody knowing you were involved with his death, *raises right hand* set a huge alcohol-fueled fire and bring down every guard in town on yourselves. *moves hands like scales* Hmm, tough.
DM: You’re in a cave system. If you keep making a ruckus during your short rest, you’re going to get fucking ambushed.
OUR DM LITERALLY BASED AN ADVENTURE AROUND THE PHRASE “BEAUTY IS IN THE EYE OF THE BEHOLDER.”
And we’re not sure whether to punch her or officially crown her queen of puns.
(To clarify: the NPC we were sent to rescue is a feegle called Beauty, and the final boss we are facing is a Beholder.)
DM: He’s in a sewer.
Abaddon (orc barbarian): Ah, my natural habitat.
DM: True, orcs are filthy.
Abaddon: Fuck you, only orcs can make that sort of joke.
DM: I’m a DM, I have all creature types at all times.
DM: You’re not going to die!
Parsnip (dwarf cleric): Okay… that sounds fake but okay…
DM: You slice it diagonally across the chest.
Fangs (half-elf ranger): (softly) Like Asuna.
DM: … *glaring* You know what’s missing from this encounter? Dragons. Four of them.
HAPPY NEW YEAR FROM WE-ARE-A-DRAGON!