no but i just did

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Ready for the first ladies’ team event ever! [Hinterzarten, 16.12.2017]

christmas is almost here, which is why I decided to do a mutuals appreciation post to thank you all for following me and being so supportive and kind :’)
I am now almost at 8k followers which is a huge number so thank you very much for each & every follow ♡

the mentioned people below are not only great blogs to follow, but also great friends of mine and I love seeing them on my blog & dashboard ♡

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Angel

Day 16 for @thexmasfileschallenge: angel. Tagging @today-in-fic

Set sometime in season 9. 

In the end she always ends up back in the car. William, his face hot and red, his voice hoarse, lets himself be strapped into his car seat without fuss. This, she thinks bitterly and with a pocket full of guilt, is all he wanted in the first place. She takes off his hat, smoothes down the soft tuft of hair. It’s been getting darker lately; it’s more auburn than red now. Here in the car, in the middle of the night, it looks even darker. As dark as his father’s hair. She checks that his seatbelt is fastened and then she closes the door.

Scully gets in the driver’s seat and her trembling hand inserts the key into the ignition. She rubs her eyes, sighs. In the backseat, William starts babbling; he wants her to start the car, start driving. His impatience is nothing new, but her nerves are bared raw and he’s playing them like a string instrument. She turns on the radio and the car is filled with quiet Christmas music. As soon as the engine comes on, William rejoices. It should make her happy, shouldn’t it? He’s squealing and giggling, kicking his tiny feet and gesticulating with his hands. But Scully feels numb. Her hands on the wheel are cold, grip too tightly. Her eyes burn in exhaustion.  

She can’t do this. It’s been six months and she doesn’t know how to do this; be a mother, an agent and a woman. Scully glances in the rearview mirror. William is relaxed, his eyes concentrated on the passing lights outside. He is like you, Scully thinks. Just like you, Mulder. Lately she’s been doing this; talking to him in her head as if he could hear her wherever he is. Sometimes, when she’s been driving for a while, she thinks she can hear him, too. If he were here, he’d be driving. He’d be telling William a story, making strange noises, trying to make him a believer. Scully’d be here, too, in the passenger seat, listening with a small smile on her face. Like William she’d lean her head against the window, let Mulder’s voice and the gentle rhythm of the car lull her to sleep. It’s a nice dream, but that’s all it is. It bursts before her eyes and she stares straight ahead into the thick darkness, her eyes filling with tears that she blinks away. She can’t do this, it’s as simple as that. Another glance in the rearview mirror; William’s mouth is open, his eyes are closed. It works every time. Logically, Scully knows that it’s just the rocking motion of the car. But it feels like so much more. She’s spent a lifetime in cars; a lifetime on wheels with Mulder. It’s felt like a home sometimes, then a prison. When Monica drove her to Georgia to deliver William, a safe place. Once, years ago, she wanted Mulder to get out of the car. Just to get out, have a life. She realized later, almost too late, that it was a life; their life. 

When she speaks to Mulder in her mind, she tells him everything about William. The way he scrunches his nose when he is thinking hard about something. How her mother had professional pictures made and one sent out to Bill. Her brother, calling her that night, had commented on the boy’s red hair with pride. Then, after a pause, through gritted teeth, told her how the baby looked exactly like Mulder. But she tells him all of it, this imagined, absent Mulder. How she hasn’t been sleeping. How William, sleepless and restless, keeps her awake at night. She tells him about the way she misses him in her life as if she were missing a vital part of herself. She can’t sleep, she can’t think. And now… she is not sure she can go on. 

I need you, Mulder. The thought presses forward, hammers against her temple like a migraine. I cannot do this without you. She hits her palm against the wheel. Does it again, and again, and again. The car swerves and she barely notices. 

“You left us.” She whispers into the darkness, giving her feelings a voice for once. She checks on William and he is fast asleep, breathing deeply. Scully’s eyes burn, exhausting mingling with angry tears, and she presses her knuckles against them until she sees stars.

“It’s Christmas, Mulder.” She says to the emptiness. “You said you’d be back before Christmas.” There is no answer, only William’s soft snoring and the overenthusiastic Christmas tunes on the radio. She is quiet, holds her breath and waits. For what? She thinks to herself, the taste of it bitter. Mulder can’t hear her, can’t answer her.

They’re almost home when Scully stops a red light. Her eyes are heavy; keeping them open is getting more difficult. They move around dizzily until they land on an angel. Not a real angel, no. Christmas decoration, Scully reminds her tired mind. But she can’t take her eyes off the white and blue glowing figure. She is so mesmerized by it that she doesn’t notice the light flickering at first. She stares at it long and hard, her mind counting absent-mindedly. Morse code, she thinks, but it can’t be. Just a flickering light. Just some malfunction and yet… she lets her eyes listen, her desperate mind reach out. Miss you, she reads. Love you, she chokes. Home soon, she cries before the light dies; there is no message, nothing. Just an angel made out of plastic and light, false hope in an endlessly dark night. In the back, William sighs happily. At least I have you, baby boy. She glances at the angel again, waits five long seconds, but the traffic light is faster and jumps to green. Scully drives home, her mind quiet, her heart heavy. She is not sure she can do this, can go on like this. But damn it if she won’t try again tomorrow.

Worthless UPG
  • Zeus thoroughly enjoys trash reality television
  • Aphrodite is the patron protector of sex workers
  • Hermes personally helps drunk people into Ubers
  • Hephaestus has a very successful etsy account
  • Apollo attends every drag show everywhere forever
  • Dionysus’ is that facebook mom that posts minion memes about drinking wine and looking young for 57
  • Hera co-wrote Lemonade with Beyonce
  • Ares guides the hands of those who punch Nazis
  • Poseidon actually kinda likes The Little Mermaid
  • They all hate Disney’s Hercules 
  • Artemis walks drunk girls back to campus and blesses every can of mace
  • Demeter has a farmersonly.com account
  • Hestia really likes awkward family holiday dinners and is always the one to compliment the food when shit gets too intense
I feel like Star Wars Episode VIII squandered a potential first same-sex relationship.

I was shipping poe and finn so hard like you wouldn’t believe.

This is my magic

“Why your magic is a drawing for @chof-art?????///” ah, cuz this is not any draw. This is a redraw. This is the old one. I was about to put them side to side but honestly the old one is really REALLY ugly. So I will just left the link there. I was about to do a redraw of my old drawings (the ones who got more notes only). The old version of this drawing was five months ago and I’m proudly showing to you guys my grow. I’m still in my babysteps trying to find my way. 

Besides I needed to post a drawing, ANY drawing for my next step and maybe a gift for some of you guys o/ 

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soooooo @alohonora and @actionlou tagged me to post some of my favorite pictures from 2017! it was really hard to choose because this year was Wild but i managed to narrow it down to just a few

this year was a really big year for me in terms of making lots of new friends, traveling, and kinda becoming more comfortable with my identity?? i’m a lot more comfortable in my gender and sexuality and all that now than i was at the beginning of this year and i’m really happy about that - this year had some of my worst times, but it also had many of my best times! (the picture descriptions are kinda long so i put them under the cut)

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