no booze for me

anonymous asked:

A new girl just started at our store. I knew recognized her name when I heard it, but when I saw her, I knew exactly who she was. See, I worked with her 2 years ago at another company. She was 18, and I was 22. She was a party girl, and I was antisocial. She tried so hard, on a number of occasions, to invite me to go out partying. I always said no, I wasn't interested. Turns out-as I had guessed-she wanted me to come so I could buy booze and be the designated driver. I really hope she changed.

My favorite Shady/Illegal tips

*If you don’t have a stamp, reverse your destination and return addresses. The post office will deliver it to the return address for free

*One bag of garbage from a McDonald’s dumpster has hundreds of receipts in it, each of which has a survey. Submit each one for lots of free food

*Holding a cell phone to your ear justifies loitering. This aids in public urination, dumpster diving, stalking, trespassing, etc

*If you’re going to plagiarize, plagiarize something in a foreign language. Use a translator and spend a few minutes touching up the results.

*If they have free refills, save your cup. Next time you eat there, your drink is free.

*A plastic coffee stir stick can fool any push in coin acceptor that loads the coins on edge. Just insert stir stick, push the mechanism forward until you feel the stick hit a bump, push the bump down with the stick and push the mech all the way in

*If you look like you know what you’re doing, no one will bother you.

*When lying, always include something slightly embarrassing, or something that makes you look bad, as part of your story. It’s not only going to disarm their skepticism (admitting to something embarrassing gives an impression of humility), but even if they remain skeptical, they’ll be left wondering why you would make something up that you’d rather keep secret if it were true

*Using Clorox or any bleach will turn the red/pink liquid detection dot on electronic devices back to white so they replace them under warranty

* “A drug dealer in DC taught me to pick my nose if the police are staring at me. No one picks their nose if they think someone is watching them, so it’s the ultimate way of being nonchalant.”

* "I learned that you can get into almost any special event by wearing a chef coat. Even just carrying one and walking like you know where you’re going will work every time. Most people don’t want to look stupid by asking you who you are.“ 

* "My go to missing work call was never "I’m sick”, it was “Family problems”. They never questioned it, it’s vague enough and embarrassing enough that nobody ever asks.“ 

*As part of the employee training at Target, they teach you that if a customer argues over a price, and the full price is under $20, to just give it to them for whatever price they claim. It’s cheaper for the company to move on to the next customer than to call in a price check.

*Put a rolled up sock in the change slot on a vending machine, come back back 4 days later….and pull sock….you will be 6-ish dollars richer.

*If it’s a small lie, like who farted or who put the empty milk carton in the fridge, I’ll tell a terrible lie. I’ll not be able to hold a straight face, contradict myself, basically suck at lying.Now everyone I know thinks I can’t tell a lie to save my life. So when I really need a big lie, I nail it every time. No one ever suspects me when I lie straight faced.

*Bring crutches to an airport. Bypass every line (including boarding) and you are chauffeured to your gate the second you pass through security.

*Make up a secret to share with someone- they may open up and share far more valuable real secrets.

*Here’s a classic. Drive over to your 7/11 of choice. Fill up a Slurpee and drop some candy bars in that bitch. Make sure the candy bars aren’t showing. Cover the Slurpee and pay for it. Free Snickers bitch.

*I tell everyone i’ve never done any drugs. Suddenly everyone offers me cocaine, ecstasy, pot, lsd. I think i’ve had $200 worth of drugs each weekend for free.Same with liquor. "Im not drinking tonight” BOOM! Everyone gives me booze. Its like everyone wants to break your integrity as soon as you tell them you are not doing whatever they are doing.

*If you need to cash from an ATM and its not a large amount, buy a 5 cent piece of gum from a gas station that has the cash back option. Its cheaper than a $3 charge

*Act less intelligent than you really are. Acting stupid can get you out of some tricky situations. Feigning ignorance is way better than admitting you knew better but did it anyway. My old man used to say ‘It is easier to beg forgiveness than ask for permission’…sometimes it’s true.

*Every time I fly, when I land I’ll pen a little complaint to the airline that flew me. You know, I’ll come up with something like “oh, they denied me a drink! Oh, the food wasn’t vegetarian!” Whatever miscellaneous hogwash potpourri comes to my crazy brain. And like clockwork, within a business day, they’re reimbursing me with a $50 voucher, a $100 voucher, I can sell that on the secondary market.

*I’ve always had a lot of success in shutting nosy people up by blaming any personal issue on allergies. Crying from a panic attack? Allergies giving me puffy eyes. What’s that mysterious pill I’m taking? Allergy meds. Why am I acting spaced out/hungover/tired? Allergies meds making me drowsy.

*If you really wanna get away with some shit, buy a reflective vest, a white hard hat, and a clipboard. You can go ANYWHERE.

hey, baby, how do you feel about being my newest obsession? 
it’ll be sweet for the first couple weeks
you’ll get so many poems 
with your name as the title and 
you’ll realize how wild i can be.
it’ll be blissful, baby, i swear
‘cause i’ll always be there, playing exactly
who you need.


but you’ll notice that i always smell like booze and cigarette smoke
and my eyes glaze over when you tell me your problems. 
you realize you’ll never live up to my fantasy version of you
so why even bother?
the obsession is getting a bit too creepy, anyway.


i drink orange juice with the clear korean liquor my roommate left in the fridge
the sugar masks the gasoline taste,
so i don’t realize i’ve had too much 'til i wake up with my head pounding and stomach revolting.


what i’m trying to say is when you leave
i won’t blame you.

—  april is over (a.p.)
compassion. | 1

Originally posted by jeonsshi

2 | 3

not requested.

“Your ass looks great.” “Will you fuck off for a second?”

“You’ve really fucked me over this time.”

“Please let me in.”

genre: fuckboi!jungkook, roommate!jungkook, possibly smut in the future? angstish for now tbh

How you ended up with the world’s biggest fuckboy as your roommate, you don’t know; actually you did but still why you stayed you don’t know. This was seriously one of the world’s wonders; there were no common interests or reasons we had to get along but somehow we both ended up in this place together. You had been placed in the same apartment thanks to your friend Jimin who was moving to his own place and he said he’d look for a roommate for you, you didn’t expect that guy to move the worst person he could possibly choose into your home.

“I’m sorry, okay? He needed a place to stay after getting kicked out of Youngjae’s place.”, Jimin sympathetically told you whilst you tried to enjoy a meal. “If they kicked out, what makes you think I want him?” “Come on, he’s like a younger brother to me, he’s your age. Give him a chance?” “He’s literally the worst, since the day I met him I’ve wanted to murder him.” “Jeez, you need to stop hanging out with Yoongi.” “Besides the point, Jimin.” “I’m sorry, just give him a chance, if you can’t stand him, just leave, come to me, I don’t care, but give it a go. I kinda do wanna live on my own now?” “Am I the problem?”, you asked unamused by his hectic argument. “No, no, it’s not you, it’s just easier to get to work and school from my new place. You’re always welcome over if you need to stay or something, don’t worry.” “Fine, this is all for you Park Jimin.”

The things you do for this guy; you had a soft spot for Jimin, he was like an older brother to you. The one you never had, he really needed a roommate and soon you became friends, that was after realising you guys had mutual friends. Well, now you were living with Jungkook for Jimin’s sake.


It wasn’t too bad at first, neither of you spoke to each other and when he did attempt to make conversation you would simply tell him: “Did we agree on talking at this time or am i hearing things?”, causing him to sigh and give up on trying to gain your friendship. Other times you were forced to speak to him, like when he was in front of the fridge, the stove, the microwave or the door. “Move out the way dickead.”, you told him after he was blocking the entrance to the bathroom. “That’s not how you pronounce Jungkook!”, he pouted as he dried his hair with a towel. “Was I trying to pronounce your name? I don’t think so and you’re still in the way!” “My apologies, my lady.” He would always attempt to joke around with you and be friendly, but you assumed he was doing so to be civil not to be friends with you after he dropped you and Isla back in high school, even if you weren’t friends with Isla anymore, it still sucked.

Keep reading

cocktails.....

((I need suggestions for the name of drinks for a goofy Warhammer 40k story I intend to write, I’m using this account because it has a large audience… any suggestions?… they don’t need to sound too 40kish just normal enough to sound like something you would be served in a bar))

Sad Songs

A/N This is a pretty crappy one (not gonna lie) but I just wanted to write something… so here you guys go!! I’m probably gonna write a part 2 because I have a few ideas in mind… Anyways hope you enjoy this!

Pairing: Tom Holland x reader, ft Harrison Osterfield and Zendaya

Word Count: 1, 218

Warnings: None? A lil angst?

Inspired by The Deceitful Man by @webslingerholland!!

Masterlist 

| Part 2 |  


You sat down on the couch. Excitement bubbled inside of you. Tom was landing today. You were ecstatic. Tom had been away for 6 months, filming Chaos Walking and going for press tours. You couldn’t leave London due to your job, so you had to make do with Skype calls or texts. You missed him so much and you couldn’t wait to have him in your arms again. The late night skype calls weren’t enough. You were desperate to touch him, hug him and kiss him.

You smiled to yourself as you looked at the picture of you and Tom hanging on the wall. Oh how you wished time would pass faster. A buzz from your phone snapped you out of your thoughts. You picked up the rectangle block. A text from Zendaya.

Call me on Skype. It’s important.

You frowned. What happened? It couldn’t be Tom. Harrison would’ve called you if something happened to Tom. You rang her up on Skype.

“Hey Zend-”

“He’s cheating.” You could sense the nervousness in her voice.

You furrowed your brows. Who was cheating? Tom? Not possible. Was Zendaya’s boyfriend cheating on her?

“What? Who?”

“Tom.”

You couldn’t believe what you heard. You blinked. Was your head processing this right? Tom?  Thomas Holland? Cheating? On you? No way. You refused to believe it. You laughed.

“That’s a good prank Z. Thomas wouldn’t cheat on me.” You said flatly.

“But he did. Y/N you need to believe me. I have proof.”

“I don’t think so Z.” Your voice quivered a little.

“I’m so sorry.” She said as your phone buzzed. You looked down. A picture of Tom holding another woman, smiling as he kissed her passionately. You refused to believe what you saw.  

“Are you sure that this isn’t from Chaos Walking?”

“It was taken during a get together three weeks ago. There was no booze. Nothing. I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have kept it from you for so long. I just didn’t know what to do.” She apologised with a sorry expression plastered on her face. You knew it was true.

“It’s alright. Does Harrison know?”

“Yes. You alright?”

“I’m fine.” You’re not.

“You’re not.”  

She was right. You were broken. Torn. Hurt. You bit your lip hard, trying to stop yourself from breaking down. But you couldn’t hold back. Hot tears started to trickle down your cheek as you thought of Tom holding another woman, with the hands that held you. You thought of Tom kissing her, with the lips that said ‘I love you’. You thought of Tom’s smile, the one that could light up your day. You thought of him, until the familiar ringtone sounded through your house. It was Tom.

“Hello?” You put the phone on loudspeaker so that Zendaya could hear.

“Hey. Haz and I just landed. But you don’t have to come see us. We’re really tired. Gonna head to my house to rest. I’ll see you in a few days at your family dinner alright?”

“How about tomorrow? We have tickets to watch a movie remember?”

“Oh… about that… I’m sorry but I’m really tired and I want to take a few days to rest. You can take your sister instead.” He sounded nervous. You could tell that he was lying through his teeth.

“My sister is studying in Singapore Tom.”

“Right… sorry.”

“It’s fine. I’ll see you soon. Love you.”

You said, waiting for an ‘I love you’ back, but the line went dead.

“Oh God. I’m so sorry Y/N. I can come over tomorrow to watch it with you?” She suggested, hoping to lift your spirits.

“It’s fine. I have something to do anyways. You’ll hear about it though.” You smiled.


You were fine. You had skipped the whole crying and wallowing in self pity phase of a breakup. You spent the night singing happy breakup songs and clearing your house. You packed up all of Tom’s things into a box. You cleared all the clothes you took, all the pictures and all the gifts. You packed it into two cardboard boxes. You loaded the boxes into the boot of your car and you headed off.

“Y/N?” Harrison looked surprised and extremely uncomfortable.

“Hey.” You smiled.

“uh… what are you doing here?” He leaned his weight on the door, such that all you could see was him and a little bit of the house.

“I thought that I could come surprise Tom. I have somethings for him.”

“Oh… well but Tom doesn’t want you here right now. Plus he’s out.” Lies. Tom’s shoes were by the shoe rack.

“It’s fine. I’ll just leave the things here.”

Harrison reached to take the boxes, but you pushed your way through and walked into the house.

“Y/N, I said you’re not supposed to be here.“ 

You dropped the boxes. Now you were angry.

“Why? Why Harrison? Why am I not allowed here. Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t be here.” You were fuming. How could Harrison not tell you? He was your best friend too.

“I said, Tom isn’t home.” Lies.

“I’m not blind Haz. I can see the pair of high heels sitting next to Tom’s shoes. I know Harrison. I know.“ 

By then you were raising your voice. You didn’t care if you were disturbing Tom and his girlfriend, you needed to let your pent up anger go.

“Geez what’s with the noise?”

You turned to see him. Standing on the steps of the staircase. He froze. He went white. You desperately wanted to go up to him and kiss him. You wanted to scream at him. You wanted to hug him. You wanted to slap him into another universe.

“Y/N… what are you doing here? I told you not to come.”

You shrugged.

“I told you not to come. God why can’t you just listen? I wanted t-”

“To spend time with your new girlfriend?” You fired back.

He was stunned. He figured that you wouldn’t have found out. He figured that if he hid her well enough, no one else would find out.

“Oh yea. It was supposed to be a secret. My bad. Zendaya happened to spill the beans. Whoops?”

“Zendaya…” his hand curled into a fist.

“Don’t blame her. I think I deserve to know if my boyfriend doesn’t want me anymore right?”

His face softened when you said that.

“Y/N… it’s not that I don’t want you. I do. I’m so sorry… it was a one time thing. It was an accident. I was drunk. I didn’t know what I was doing.” He pleaded.

“No wonder you won that award at the BAFTAs… you’re a really good actor.” You crossed your arms, pretending to be wowed by his performance.

“Wha-”

“Zendaya told me every single detail Thomas. There was no booze. You were definitely in the right mind… and judging by the pair of high heels over there… I’m pretty sure it’s not a one time thing.” You stated flatly.

“No Y/N… It’s not… no… Please forgive me. I’ll break up with her…”

“It’s fine Thomas.”

He looked at you, his eyes lit up. He was thankful that he was given another chance.

“It was nice while it lasted. Goodbye Thomas.”

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