nixon 100

BUT THEN can you imagine Diana learning the concept of Valentine’s Day? In this alternate-WWII hellscape ive created, I can imagine Diana wanting to PULVERIZE Valentine’s Day for her loved ones, no matter who you ship

She would gift each as follows:

Peggy Carter: one (1) confiscated bottle of perfume (Shalimar)

Ronald Speirs: an assortment of vintage trench knives, minimum three (3)

Carwood Lipton: one (1) leatherbound journal with edelweiss pressed into its pages

Steve Rogers: one (1) copy of Dashiell Hammett’s The Thin Man

Bucky Barnes: one (1) copy of The Saint

Dick Winters: two (2) lumpy hand-knitted scarf that he wears constantly and unquestionably

Lewis Nixon: one (1) 100-year-old bottle of he finest scotch (which the Howling Commandos marvel at; where does she GET these things)

@shes-a-voodoo-child @mihrsuri @bibliothekara

NIXON 100: Historically Accurate Transcription: Nixon vs. LBJ

•This is an Historically Accurate Transcription starring President Lyndon B. Johnson and President-elect Richard Nixon•

NIXON: Let me get this straight – you’re saying I should tape every conversation I have in the Oval Office?
LBJ: Absolutely.  It’s the only way to go.
NIXON: I don’t know, Lyndon.  It seems like something that could bite me in the ass.
LBJ: Not a chance in Hell.  You’re going to be the President of the United States.  You can burn the tapes and cover things up, if necessary.
NIXON: It doesn’t seem right.  It seems like a risky move.
LBJ: Don’t be a pussy…it will make writing your memoirs much easier.
NIXON: Should I make it known that I record conversations?
LBJ: Hell no!  Just do it!  What’s the worst that could happen?  Some asshole will get mad that their voice was recorded?  Boo-fucking-hoo.  Tell them that you’ll give them a copy of them chatting with the President so they look cool in front of their friends.
NIXON: What if Congress catches wind of it?  It seems like I might be changing the nature of Presidential record-keeping and risking Executive Privilege.
LBJ: Dick…hahahaha…I said “Dick”!  Anyway, Dick…hahahaha..
NIXON: Dude…
LBJ: Okay, sorry.  Seriously, fuck Congress.  What can they do?
NIXON: Impeach me?
LBJ: They never ACTUALLY impeach anyone.  Especially since your Vice President is going to be that crooked retard Spiro Agnew.
NIXON: Good point.  He’s from Maryland.  Nobody wants a President from Maryland.
LBJ: Maryland doesn’t want a President from Maryland.
NIXON: Maryland is where Virginia and Pennsylvania stores garbage and sex offenders.
LBJ: If states were people, Maryland would be the creepy homeless guy who gives handjobs for crack money.
NIXON: Maryland is to Baltimore what bad parenting is to serial killers.
LBJ: Maryland gave Hepatitis to West Virginia and now they both make people sick.
NIXON: Okay…but back to the tapes…are you SURE this is a good idea?
LBJ: It’s a slam dunk.  Tape the conversations, have them transcribed, make copies, and you’ll never have anything to worry about.  Nobody ever got in trouble for telling everyone exactly what happened.
NIXON: But what if…
LBJ: No “what ifs”, Dick…hahahaha…“Dick”…just take my advice.  Shit, you act like you’re going to mastermind a criminal conspiracy and then try to cover it up from the Oval Office.  Tape the conversations and make sure not to make a bunch of anti-Semetic or borderline racist statements that will be preserved for history and kept in the National Archives.  Why does this seem so hard to you?
NIXON: I just have a bad feeling about this.  I feel like Maryland smells.
LBJ: Maryland eats dick sandwiches for breakfast and gets beat up regularly by Delaware.
NIXON: There’s a petition going around from women named Mary.  They want their name removed from “Maryland” because it’s insulting to everyone named Mary.
LBJ: What are they going to call it?  Shitland?
NIXON: Alright, we get the joke already, Maryland sucks.
LBJ: Dick.
NIXON: What?
LBJ: I wasn’t saying your name, I was using the adjective most fitting when describing you.

100 YEARS OF RICHARD NIXON

Exactly 100 years ago today, January 9, 1913, Richard Milhous Nixon was born in a small frame house ordered as a kit from Sears and built by his father, Frank, on a citrus farm in Yorba Linda, California.

From humble beginnings, Nixon would rise to unlikely heights.  Elected to the U.S. House of Representatives at the age of 33.  Sworn in as a U.S. Senator a month before his 37th birthday.  Less than two weeks after his 40th birthday, Nixon was Vice President of the United States, serving two terms in that office under President Eisenhower.  In 1960, Nixon lost his own bid for the Presidency to John F. Kennedy in one of the closest elections in American History.  Two years later, Nixon’s political career seemed to be over after he was beaten badly in a race to become Governor of California.

Over the next few years, Nixon rebuilt himself politically, campaigned for Republicans across the country, and constructed a national political organization with surrogates in every state who owed him a favor.  He called in those favors in 1968 and one of the most turbulent years in American History ended with Nixon’s election as the 37th President.  Four years later, Nixon humiliated his Democratic opponent George McGovern, winning a massive victory in the 1972 election.  In the Electoral College, Nixon won 49 out of 50 states for an Electoral margin of 520-17 (1 faithless elector voted for Libertarian John Hospers).

Despite his easy victory, the inner turmoil and paranoia that had always haunted Richard Nixon was already working against him.  Dirty tricks and Nixon’s need to destroy others were actively destroying his own Presidency – something sped along by a clumsy attempt to cover up crimes and corruption that Nixon recorded himself scheming about with his secret White House taping system.  Nixon tried to hold on to the power that he had worked so long to win, but when his own party let it be known that impeachment and removal from office was in his future, Nixon became the first and only President to ever resign.

After his resignation and the controversial pardon he received from Gerald Ford, Richard Nixon again made a spectacular comeback.  Never again would Nixon hold office or truly win the public’s trust, but as a diplomat and first-rate intellect when it came to foreign relations, Nixon became a valuable elder statesman.  For the last twenty years of his life, until his death in 1994, Nixon was called upon by his successors for advice and for some diplomatic missions, particularly when it came to American relations with Russia and China.  Although the stench of Watergate would never completely dissipate, by the time 81-year-old former President died and was buried just a few feet from that makeshift home he was born in, Richard Nixon had largely rehabilitated his image as a master diplomat and one of the most important figures – for better and worse – of the entire 20th Century.

On the day that Richard Nixon was laid to rest in Southern California, with four other former Presidents (Gerald Ford, Jimmy Carter, Ronald Reagan, and George H.W. Bush) in the audience, President Bill Clinton asked Americans to consider everything that Nixon had done in his six decades of public service, from his Naval service in World War II to his late-night phone calls just days before his death giving advice on Russia and Boris Yeltsin to Clinton: “May the day of judging President Nixon on anything less than his entire life and career come to a close.”

Check back on Dead Presidents throughout the day as I share some posts and stories from the archive to honor Richard Milhous Nixon on the 100th anniversary of his birth.

NIXON 100: Historically Accurate Transcription: Nixon and Elvis

•This is an Historically Accurate Transcription starring President Richard Nixon and Elvis Presley•

NIXON: Thanks for coming by, Elvis.  I know that it’s your birthday today and my birthday is tomorrow, so I figured we’d have ourselves a little party.
ELVIS: No problem, Mr. President.  You know I dig your Oval Office parties!  Can you turn the tape recorder off, though?  You know how I roll…
NIXON: Of course, we wouldn’t want to get ourselves in trouble.  Oh wait, I’m the President!  I can’t get in trouble.  Did you bring what I asked? 
ELVIS: Yes, sir.  Wait a second…who is this guy with the glasses?  Is he a Narc?  This guy gonna turn us in?  I don’t like guys with glasses.
NIXON: Well, you had glasses on when you came in.  They are right there on the table.
ELVIS: Those aren’t glasses.  Those are shades, man.  Seriously, he can stay, but can you have him stop looking at me?
NIXON: Wow…check out those cuff links!  That is the definition of bling, Elvis.
ELVIS: Man, these are diamonds created from the cremated bones of Tyrannosaurus Rex legs.  You know how much these cost?
NIXON: How much?
ELVIS: I don’t know, Dick…I was fucking HIGH AS HELL when I bought them!
NIXON: (Laughs)  That reminds me…did you bring the sticky-icky?  Let’s get this party started.  I might even take my suit jacket off!
ELVIS: Oh, I brought it.  This creepy dude with glasses has to leave, though.
NIXON: He’s fine, Elvis.  Let’s hotbox the Oval Office and get some girls in here.  I want to dance.  Dick Nixon wants to get down!
ELVIS: Creepy guy with glasses can stay, but I’ll karate chop him if he doesn’t stop looking at me.  Where’s the Memphis Mafia…they brought the girls.  You wanna roll a blunt for us, Dick?
NIXON: Absolutely.  Happy Birthday, King.
ELVIS: Thank you, thankyouverymuch.  Happy Birthday, Mr. President