Nintendo Releases Full Details Of New "NX" System!
  • “NX” simply means Nintendo X, the letter after W, which was associated with the Wii.
  • The New System will use cartridges instead of discs, offering games with up to 2 terabytes of information.
  • The NX processor is a 512-bit “Mocha Latte Frappuccino” processor, capable of processing more bytes than there are atoms in the universe.
  • The NX is a virtual reality compatible system, which features lightweight glasses about the same size as modern 3D movie glasses. Each eye will have 8K resolution with a high dynamic range, capable of 72 frames per second.
  • Release games will include the new Legend of Zelda, the new Metroid, the new Super Mario Bros., Yoshi’s Island NX, and the new Pong game, which is said to feature no notable differences from the classic game but is included for sentimental value.
  • The NX will feature bio-sensitive contacts instead of a traditional controller. The new means of control will be through electrodes attached to the forehead. The electrode contacts will secrete a paralytic fluid that renders the player immobile and transfers their nerve impulses to the character within the game, thus controlling it as one would their own body. Due to the paralysis, Nintendo is including special diapers and drool-suction-hoses to keep players clean from their own uncontrolled bodily fluids.
  • The NX will allow you to surf the internet in a new way: The MiiNet. The MiiNet allows you to wander any site in VR format, and interact with other users as you would with people in the real world. This includes the ability to play MiiSports, trade and fight Pokémon in person, and for users over 21 years of age, participate in the new Nintendorgasm Sexual Simulation Network, in which participants can engage in digital sexual acts previously inconceivable to humankind with other users or virtual characters, including most popular Nintendo characters and for some reason, the likeness of Frederick William III, king of Prussia from 1797–1840. Though Frederick William III is well known for his attempts to unify the Protestant churches and homogenize their liturgy, Nintendo have not commented on why they think players would want to have kinky digital sex with his likeness.
  • The NX will be available in black, white, or green in a special “Yoshi NX” edition!