I’ve kept the first picture taken of nimama and I in my work binder, to help me along in moments where I feel helpless. She worked her entire life serving children, and she always said they - and I - saved her life.

Today was such a rough day, but I hope she’s proud of me; I’m beginning to understand what she meant.

I wish I could have done so much more for her. I wish she could have stayed to see me earn a degree, start a family, see her grandchild(ren)… I wish I could have provided for her as much as she did for me, if not more. I wish that I could’ve told her all of the things that I never had the courage to say. I wish we could’ve had just one more family dinner at home. I wish I could’ve heard her laugh just one more time.

I wish for so much. But I must not ruminate. She would not want me to.