This took longer then I wanted it to but I finally got it done. It’s not as funny as the first chapter but it’s a start. I’ll edit it a bit in the morning.
“-but the pies Dipper!” Mabel protested as she was dragged out of their apartment complex. “Think of all the pies!”
“Mabel for the last time ” Her twin replied in sheer consternation. “Don’t eat things you find on the ground!”
She pouted at his back, her cheeks puffing out. “But they were outside our door Dip.” She griped. “It was destiny! I was ‘meant’ to eat them!”
He shot her an incredulous look. “That, Mabel that’s worse.” The scientist turned back around but tightened his grip on his twin’s hand as they crossed into a busier area of town. “Eating pies you find lying outside our door isn’t, I know you know better you’re just trying to mess with me.”
A laugh escaped the long haired brunette. “That,” she agreed, “and I reeeeally like pie.”
Dipper snorted in response, dodging around some pedestrians wandering down the street. He blinked and took a second look at said pedestrians.
They were staring at them.
Frowning he glanced discreetly around and found that pretty much everyone was staring at them. Which was, actually really creepy. Maybe it was because they were new?
“Dipper are you listening?” He started at the sound of his sister’s voice and turned to look at her. She had an eyebrow raised and he realized that she’s been talking and he hadn’t heard a word of it.
“Um, yes?” He tried.
“Dippeeeer.” She whined falling forward to drape herself across his back. “Pay attention to meee.”
Laughing he released her hand and grabbed her legs, pulling her into a piggy back. She laughed gleefully and wrapped her arms around his neck. “I always pay attention to you.” He sniped back playfully.
“Yeah.” The sweater obsessed twin agreed, tugging his hat off his head and propping her chin on it instead. “Except for when you aren’t.”
“-suspicious looking clouds blocking out the sun-” they passed by a radio with several people surrounding it with interested and serious expressions on their faces. Dipper gave them a weird look but didn’t comment, instead replying to his twin’s whining.
“You’re ridiculous.” He told her.
“And you’re a huge nerd.” She replied kicking him lightly in the sides of his legs. “Hya! Onward noble steed! To the diner!”
“Ow, Mabel!” The scientist stumbled and nearly dropped her. “Cut it out! We’ll get there when we get there!”
“Well we wouldn’t ‘have’ to get there if you would’ve just let me eat those pies.”
“Oh my god let it go.” He groaned. “I told you, let me test them for, poison and stuff and then you can eat them.”
She pouted. “Spoil sport.” Another kick. “Hya!”
“-and that’s why you shouldn’t own birds.” They entered the diner and were greeted by the sounds or idle chatter, accompanied by a cheerful voice drawling over the radio. Dipped set Mabel down and the two wandered over to the nearest empty booth.
“Big Soos’s Diner Shack.” Mabel commented as she picked up the menu, the words were splayed in large letters at the top, underneath it heartily endorsed their pizza. “It says they’ve got good pizza here.”
“It looks like that’s pretty much all they sell.” Dipper commented after flipping briefly through the menu. “I wonder why it’s a diner and not like, a pizzeria or something. And what’s up with shack? Why shack?”
“-the new residents-”
“I dunno.” Mabel shrugged. “I’m getting pizza, ooh! Breakfast pizza!” She chirped, her eyes lighting up. “It comes on a giant waffle! I’m getting it.”
Her twin’s nose wrinkled in disgust. “You’re going to put whipped cream on it aren’t you?”
“Sup dudes, can I take your orders?” They both turned at the warm voice and found themselves face to face with a large grinning man.
“Breakfast pizza and a chocolate milkshake!” Mabel cheered.
The man laughed. “Excellent choice hambone.” He held out a hand and she gladly high fived him. “And what about you, same thing or something different?”
Dipper gnawed on his lower lip briefly before sighing at his sister’s pleading look. “I’ll have the breakfast pizza.” He said in resignation. “But no milkshake! Just a Pit Soda.”
The man saluted them. “I’m on it.” He then turned and made his way towards the kitchen area.
“-reports of glittering-”
“This is gonna be so good.” Mabel said waving her hands in excitement.
“You said the same thing about Extreme Mabel Juice.” Dipper informed her, gathering their menus and placing them on the edge of the table.
“I thought the mustard would add texture.” She replied with an unrepentant grin.
He raised an eyebrow at her. “And the glitter?”
He snorted. “So what’re you going to do while I’m at work?” He asked deciding a change in topic was for the best. That and he was worried about her wandering around an unfamiliar town by herself. Especially one this weird.
Mabel shrugged and grabbed up the various packets on the side of the table and began stacking them into a tiny car. “Maybe I’ll go hang out with Gruncle Stan for a while.”
“Did you remember to get his address?” Her two questioned as she grabbed some straws.
“Uuuuh.” She hesitated. “If I say no, how upset will you be?”
“Moderately leaning towards vaguely annoyed.”
“Then I completely forgot!” She chirped.
“Forgot what hambones?” The voice startled them and they turned to see their waiter standing beside the table, holding their drinks.
“She forgot to ask our Gruncle Stan where he lives.” Dippe explained, accepting his drink.
“Stan?” The man asked sounding surprised. His grin stretched. “You mean Stan Pines?”
“Yeeeeees?” Mabel says, more of a question then a statement. “Do you know him?”
“-small uprising in the squirrel-”
“You better believe I do!” The man laughed. “Stan helped me buy this place!”
“Really?” Dipper asked sounding but surprised and disbelieving. “That sounds, not at all like something he would do.”
“Yep,” The man looked incredibly proud. “And all I had to do was give him sixty percent of my profits, put shack in the restraunts name and put his face on all the napkins!”
As one Mabel and Dipper reached for the napkins. Sure enough, there was their Gruncle Stan’s face, smiling cheesily up from the cheap paper napkin.
“Yeah that totally sounds like him.” Dipper corrected quietly.
“So you’re Big Soos?” Mabel asked setting her napkin down.
“That’s me.” Soos agreed cheerfully. “But you can just call me Soos.”
“I’m Mabel.” The girl claimed happily, she then poured across the table at Dipper who was still staring at the napkin. “Thats Dipper. He’s a nerd.”
“Wha-hey!” Dipper sputtered. “Mabel, stop telling people that.”
“Cool to meet you dudes.” Soos grinned holding out his fist to Mabel who tapped it with her own. He held it similarly to Dipper who replied in kind with a hesitant smile. “If you need Stan’s address, I know it.”
“Really?!” Mabel rejoiced grabbing up her Stan napkin and presenting it to him. “Yes please!”
Soos laughed and pulled out, a packet of mustard. Weird. He then proceeded to rip it open, dip his finger in it, and write in neat letters across the napkin. When he was done he wiped his finger off on his apron. “There you go hambone.” He began to walk away. “I’ll be back with your food in a bit!”
Dipped watched him with narrowed, confused eyes. “That was, weird.”
“-which are being used to light the swans-”
“Maybe he just likes mustard.” Mabel hummed setting the napkin carefully down on the table.
There meals came not to long after Soos left, leaving Dipper to suspect that the man had hurried their orders along. Mabel ate hers with a great deal of gusto and a lot more sprinkles then any one person needed. Dipped managed about half of his before pushing it across the table for his sister to devour.
“We should probably get going.” Dipper said as Mabel popped the last of the pizza in her mouth and he handled the bill. “I have to get to work soon. You have your napkin?”
“Yep!” Mabel trilled snatching it up and practically dancing out of the booth. “Onward to adventure!”
Dipped laughed as he raced to catch up with her. “Mabel wait up!”
“-enjoy your pie kids!” The radio snickered but they were already out of the diner so neither of them heard the ominously cheerful words.
“-and so, thanks to the valiant work of the sheriffs secret police. The squirrel mafia has been placated, with few injuries and minimal losses.” The demon paused. “Or was that, high losses?” He squinted at his paper and then shrugged. “Whatever, the point is its over and we don’t have to worry or think about it,” his voice echoed slightly, “ever again.”
The dream demon brightened. “On a lighter note, I have been informed that my dear meat listeners took the time to bake some good old fashioned pies for our newest residents. Excellent work listeners, I’m very proud of what a united and welcoming community you’re representing.” He snickered suddenly and turned towards his fake window which was now showing a view of Dipper Pines, experimenting on a pie with a very serious look on his face.
“My sources tell me that our newest scientist is hard at work testing each and every one of them for ‘harmful toxins’ as we speak. Isn’t that adorable listeners?” He cooed cupping his chin in the palm of his hand. “It’s sweet how dedicated he is to the pursuit of scientific inquiry. Don’t you think human and non human listeners?”
“Hmm,” he reclined in his seat, “maybe I should send him something else to study. Something more interesting then pie.” The demon grinned and it was all teeth, sharp and white. “What do you think listeners? Send in your suggestions and I’ll look them over!”
“And by send them in, I mean think them very loudly and then scream triangle into the sky.” His grin widened. “I’ll hear you. Whoever’s suggestion wins gets a free pin! Custom made by the Sheriff’s Secret Police and no there is definitely not a tracking device in it. What would ever give you that idea?”
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for inspiring me in the first place. I’m totally going to write more but this is what I have right now. So psyched for this.
“Hello listeners.” A sibilant purr from lips curled into a smirk, sharp teeth gleaming pearly and white just behind them. “This is your host, Bill. You know me just like I know each, and every one of you. Especially you,” his eye narrowed, his face darkened and his words seemed to echo slightly as he spoke, “you know who you are and you know what I know. Meet me at the correct time in the correct place with that thing and no one will have to find out.”
The demon’s expression abruptly cleared and was replaced by a wide grin. “We have a lot to talk about today dear meat sacks but first,” his grin widened.
“Did anyone else notice our new residents? Twins, fun right?” The words were spoken into his mic with lazy intrigue. “They seem interesting, especially the boy.” A snicker as Bill leaned against his desk and stared off towards the illusion of a window he kept to make it seem as if sunlight was speckling about the room. He waved his hand and the image changed from the view outside to one of Gravity Falls newest residents.
“Apparently he’s here to study the,” he raised his hand and made air quotes, “strange happenings, in our town.” He snickered again and outside his office the snickering was echoed by the cornucopia of little creatures he allowed to work around the station. “Don’t you think he’s cute listeners? I think he’s, adorable.”
He leaned back in his chair, spinning around as he did so. “Do me a favor listeners and keep an eye on him for me. Oh and,” his smile was all teeth as the next words slunk out of his mouth, “make sure to make him, and his sister, feel right at home.” He blinked and suddenly looked delighted. “Someone bring them a pie, pies make people feel welcome right?”
He stopped his spinning with a soft clunk of his shoes as they dropped onto the floor. “That should do it, pie it is. Get on it listeners!” Humming the demon glanced at the paper on his desk. “But enough about that, let’s talk about the Mysterious Building on Carson Street. Did anyone else notice that it’s never on Carson Street? It’s always on Jefferson Avenue.”
His eye narrowed in suspicion. “As of yet I don’t know what it’s up to or why it’s always on Jefferson Avenue but for now I’d recommend not going inside. It seems fairly harmless, a few people who’ve gone inside have run out screaming but that can be said for any building in Gravity Falls. But my point stands, I don’t trust it meat listeners and I don’t think you should either.”
Dipper opened his apartment door the next morning, intending to get started on his investigation of Gravity Falls and its peculiar anomalies. Only to nearly trip over his sister. “Wha-Mabel!” He snapped. “What’re you,” the man trailed off as he caught sight of the dozens of pies that surrounded his twin. “Why do you have so many pies?” He asked wearily.
The girl shrugged, stuffing another bite of pie into her mouth. “They were just here when I came out this morning. Cool right?” She held up the pie in her hand with a grin. “Free pie!”
Dipper gaped at her. “Mabel! What have I told you about eating food you find on the ground?!” He demanded in sheer exasperation.
She stuck out her tongue at him. “You’re just jealous of all my pie. And besides Dip it’s fine, I’ve been eating it for like, almost an hour and I’m completely not dead!”
With a long suffering sigh Dipper rolled his eyes and turned back around, muttering about recording this in his scientific journal.
Summary: Carlos walks in on Cecil masturbating. But, y'know, with vivisections…
Review: this is absolutely as insane as Nightvale porn ought to be, and therefore absolutely not for the faint hearted. It’s not the best fic you’ll ever read, but it’s so charmingly deranged that (unless you have a delicate constitution and can’t see the appeal of licking someone’s intestines) it will charm you into loving it.