night-audit

The Signs As Hospitality Jobs
  • aries: general manager
  • taurus: most frustrated breakfast host ever
  • gemini: the cutest bartender that makes up the silliest cocktails and gets the staff drunk
  • cancer: angriest accountant who silently cheers when their numbers are even
  • leo: the head chef that yells at everyone and gives people samples of their new recipes all the time and teaches you how to pickle apples
  • virgo: the only waitress
  • libra: front desk assistant, answering them phones and faking a smile all day erry day
  • scorpio: night auditor that hates the sun and most people
  • sagittarius: housekeeping manager that gets shit done professionally but when they’re alone doing laundry they’re blasting AC/DC and playing air guitar on a pile of pillows
  • capricorn: office manager, don’t fucking steal our sharpies or i won’t speak to you for a week
  • aquarius: the most frazzled bell boy who gets the best tips
  • pisces: the could-care-less reservations manager
Be nice to the Front Desk

We control whether you get your wake up call.

We control whether you get random wake up calls.

We control whether or not you get extra pillows.

We control whether you get breakfast early.

We control whether or not you get an early check in.

We control whether or not you get a late check out.

Graduation
  • Person:Are you sold out?
  • Me:You're in luck, I have someone not showing up. So, with a full hot breakfast in the morning, complimentary wi-fi, I can do a late checkout for the two queen sized beds.
  • Person:Fine, whatever. I'll take it
  • Me:Okay, the rate is supposed to be 199.95 plus tax, but it's late so I can cut you a break and let it go for a flat 150 plus tax and I just need an ID and a--
  • Person:What? That's fucking crazy, you can do better than that. What the hell is going on? Why is everyone so busy?
  • Me:It's graduation weekend for the local university so the entire town is pretty much sold out, 150 is the best I can do. Do you want the room?
  • Person:No, fuck that. You're fucking ripping me off. I'm going to check down the street
  • Me:Okayyyyyyy... g'luck
  • Guy standing behind him:So, that means I can take the room, right?
  • Me:Sure, all I need is an ID and a card. Long day?
  • Person:*comes back 20 minutes later*
  • Person:Alright, I'll take my room now. But I'm not paying more than 120, fuck that
  • Me:Unfortunately, we're sold out
Dear Future Hotel Guests,

Welcome to this fine establishment. I do hope you enjoy your time here. 
A few things to consider before heading up to your room. 
This hotel is staffed with real, live, humans! Homo sapien sapiens! Observe them as they work diligently to serve you with timeliness and grace! Please do not tap on the counter or raise your voice, these things do irritate them in their natural habitats and will cause them to run away! 
That being said, they’re not super humans! None of us are relatives of Clark Kent, Natasha Romanova, or Bruce Banner. Please keep that in mind when becoming irritated about extra towels taking 10 minutes to arrive to your room, or when the room isn’t ready yet because the housekeepers (also human) are working as fast as they can to finish the room for you. 
That being said, this zoo facility, is fully stocked to suit your needs. In moderation. If every room is occupied; I do not have enough towels for each room to have 4 extra. The same goes for roll away beds, air mattresses, pillows, duvets, and ice buckets. 
Please do not pet the staff, but it is admissible and encouraged to feed and tip us. 
Thank you, enjoy your stay. 

-Front Desk Human

Shut the fuck up... wait omg!!!

Had to go to a room twice to get the kids to stop jumping on the beds and being generally loud, after I had called up twice…

1st Phone Call:
The dad: “Oh, well we are on vacation ya know? Let the kids have a lil’ fun.”
Me: I understand that. However it is past midnight and it’s disturbing the other guests. Please calm them down.

2nd Phone Call 15 mins later
Me: I believe it has gotten worse. 
Dad: Oh, well they aren’t jumping on the beds anymore.
Me: Are they just jumping around the room?
Dad: ummm..Yes….
Me: uhh… That is still making a lot of noise. Please be respectful of the other guests and quiet your children down.

1st visit:
Me: 
It is 1am. Your children are keeping 5 rooms awake. You need to keep them quiet or I will be forced to ask you to leave.
Brat #1: I can go to bed whenever i want.
Brat #2 (takes a big drink of Mt. Dew): Yeah Dad said that we can stay up as long as we want.
Me: That’s fine you guys can stay up. But you can’t be so loud. There are other people sleeping…
Brat #1: SO!
Me (to the Dad):… Sir, if I receive another complaint I’m going to have to charge you for every discount I give to the other guests due to your unwillingness to cooperate.
Dad: That’s fine, my wife is paying for this anyways…

Within 10mins I had more complaints. Now they were playing music….

On the second visit I had my Fav. cop with me to help me kick them out. He’s helped me out on several situations and is a father himself.

We went up there all:

External image

He couldn’t believe that the kids were up so late on a week night eating/drinking sugary items. We gave them 15mins to gather their things. But my cop buddy had a bad feeling about the whole thing, So he looked him up.

Yeah turns out Dad kidnapped the two lil’ Brats from their Mom, who has full custody. He was supposed to take them to a movie and straight home…. Home is a 3 hr drive away. They were in the process of sending out an Amber Alert…

I helped… prevent an Amber Alert…

omg!! So glad I called the Cops to help, so happy the cop that showed up was my friend and SO unbelievably thankful that he looked it up!

But That's What I Like!

A guest’s T.V. doesn’t get the golf channel…..

“But THAT’S why I chose to stay here! My vacation is ruined!”

The pool needs to be closed because a child went poopy in it…..

“But THAT’S why I chose to stay here! My vacation is ruined!”

There is no coffee in the lobby after 9:00pm…..

“But THAT’S why I chose to stay here! My vacation is ruined!”

There aren’t any parking spots RIGHT next to the guest’s room…..

“But THAT’S why I chose to stay here! My vacation is ruined!”

The Pub is only open on Friday and Saturday nights…..

“But THAT’S why I chose to stay here! My vacation is ruined!”

The guest cannot get their device to connect to the wifi…..

“But THAT’S why I chose to stay here! My vacation is ruined!”

Stuff you shouldn't say to a busy front desk agent.

Me: *Frowning over paper work that my coworkers screwed up again. Apparently none of them how to do their shifts correctly. It’s cool, not like I had things to do on my shift or anything.*

Guest: *walks up to desk quietly* “Smile!”

Me: *looks up* I’m sorry?

Guest: You’d look so much prettier if you smiled.

Me:

Guest:“It’s just a compliment.”

Me: “No,it’s actually kinda rude. For all you know my Mother could’ve just died. Or I broke up with my boyfriend. Or I’m tyring to go over the hotel’s billing to make sure everything’s being charged correctly.”

I’m not a lookpretty here for your entertainment. If you want me to smile, give me an actual reason, not a command.

i don’t care who you are, what has happened, or how you’re feeling, if you make a customer service employee cry to the point where she’s sobbing, shaking, and can’t even talk properly, then you are the worst type of human out there, and you deserve to be pushed off of a high building.

i have never in all of my years working in the hotel industry seen a middle-aged man throw a temper tantrum like that over a problem so small. and i have never ever seen someone brought to tears that badly. you guys, my coworker had to excuse herself into the bathroom for 20 minutes just to compose herself enough to speak.

if you ever make a customer service employee (ones who can’t fight back) cry, then you are an awful human being, and you have a special spot reserved in hell.

Boss: *calls me around noon-ish*: hey, Riz, I know it’s thanksgiving, but d'you mind com-

Me: COME IN EARLY? Yes, yes I will.

Boss:…you could’ve at least put up a fight.

Me: You’ve met my family. You know what they’re capable of.

Dear Valued Guest,

While most hotels, especially chains like this one, DO competitively price-match, there is a bare-minimum rate that I do not have the authority nor ability to set your reservation below (which just so happens to be $60.) Even my manager can’t alter the price beyond that without asking Corporate’s permission first, which they almost never actually grant for us barring a few extraordinary circumstances (which this most certainly IS NOT.)

If you want your $50 room, I suggest you go ahead and book directly through the site you mentioned. But before you come down to my desk and make ridiculous demands, you could at least have the decency to verify that this is in fact the correct hotel instead of pulling up the name of a cheaper sister-property and trying to fuck me like a bitch.

My name is NOT Marcellus Wallace.

~ H. H.