night-audit

The Signs As Hospitality Jobs
  • aries: general manager
  • taurus: most frustrated breakfast host ever
  • gemini: the cutest bartender that makes up the silliest cocktails and gets the staff drunk
  • cancer: angriest accountant who silently cheers when their numbers are even
  • leo: the head chef that yells at everyone and gives people samples of their new recipes all the time and teaches you how to pickle apples
  • virgo: the only waitress
  • libra: front desk assistant, answering them phones and faking a smile all day erry day
  • scorpio: night auditor that hates the sun and most people
  • sagittarius: housekeeping manager that gets shit done professionally but when they’re alone doing laundry they’re blasting AC/DC and playing air guitar on a pile of pillows
  • capricorn: office manager, don’t fucking steal our sharpies or i won’t speak to you for a week
  • aquarius: the most frazzled bell boy who gets the best tips
  • pisces: the could-care-less reservations manager

i don’t care who you are, what has happened, or how you’re feeling, if you make a customer service employee cry to the point where she’s sobbing, shaking, and can’t even talk properly, then you are the worst type of human out there, and you deserve to be pushed off of a high building.

i have never in all of my years working in the hotel industry seen a middle-aged man throw a temper tantrum like that over a problem so small. and i have never ever seen someone brought to tears that badly. you guys, my coworker had to excuse herself into the bathroom for 20 minutes just to compose herself enough to speak.

if you ever make a customer service employee (ones who can’t fight back) cry, then you are an awful human being, and you have a special spot reserved in hell.

Stuff you shouldn't say to a busy front desk agent.

Me: *Frowning over paper work that my coworkers screwed up again. Apparently none of them how to do their shifts correctly. It’s cool, not like I had things to do on my shift or anything.*

Guest: *walks up to desk quietly* “Smile!”

Me: *looks up* I’m sorry?

Guest: You’d look so much prettier if you smiled.

Me:

Guest:“It’s just a compliment.”

Me: “No,it’s actually kinda rude. For all you know my Mother could’ve just died. Or I broke up with my boyfriend. Or I’m tyring to go over the hotel’s billing to make sure everything’s being charged correctly.”

I’m not a lookpretty here for your entertainment. If you want me to smile, give me an actual reason, not a command.

checking in...

What I say: “Hello. How are you tonight?”

What I mean: “Oh crap. You’re interupting my tumblr time. What’s it going to take to get rid of you?”

What I say: “How can I help you?”

What I mean: “Why are you in my lobby?”

What I say: “Breakfast is from 6 until 10. Check out is noon. If you have any questions, please call the front desk.”

What I mean:I don’t know why I’m wasting time telling you this. You’re clearly not paying attention. Just call me later tonight so I can repeat this same information to you.”

What I say: “Have a great night.”

What I mean: “Get the piss out of my lobby.”

If your name is not on the reservation, I am not obligated to give you any information.

Terrifying story time. It’s long, but it starts with a drunk and ends with seven police cars and medieval weapons.

About a year ago, I was doing paperwork for audit when a guest came down wanting to talk…or attempt to, at least. She was completely wasted, and she brought down a drink with her. Which happened to be in her toddler’s sippy cup. So, you know, classy. She told me her life story, and being polite, I listened while trying to do my work. How she’s got three kids and she brought them here for a weekend birthday party thing,she’s divorced from a crazy asshole who lives in Iowa, how she got her law degree against all odds, etc. Followed me around even while I was setting up breakfast. Overall nice, but annoying.

The next night I come in, and my coworker mentions that Rm. 136 requested no calls be transferred to the room. Drunky McDrinksalot happened to be in that room, so I told him about the previous night. We laughed about it, he left, I started my shift.

Around 1:15 in the morning, two guys come in, wanting a key to 136, giving the last name on the res. Both looked like they were on something. As I was pulling up the res., he started mumbling about “the fucking bitch” and “my kids, too.” I have an internal freakout, because this guy was the crazy ex-husband who was supposed to be in Iowa. So I lied and said I couldn’t find the name in our system. He gets pissed and whips out his phone, showing me pictures of some kids in our swimming pool his mother sent him. “That’s your fucking pool, and those are my fucking kids so I know they’re here.”

“I apologize, but I cannot find her name in here. She might be under a different name." 

His response was to slap down a wad of cash and demand a room.Thank the gods we don’t accept cash. He snatched up his money and stormed out yelling about how much a raging bitch I was. The guy with him just shrugged his shoulders at me and followed.

Fifteen minutes later I get a call from an outside number, wanting to be transferred to 136. Same guy, trying to pretend he was someone else. I reiterated I culdn’t find the name in our system, and he explodes. Says he sees her car out in the parking lot, and he’s just going to wait there until the morning. So I call 136 to let her know what’s going on, and to ask what she would like me to do. She requests I call mall security (the hotel’s withing a shopping center, middle of nowhere). I call security to tell them what’s going on, and ask if they could come and get him to leave. What does security do? Pulls up to the guy, tells him I called and wanted him to leave, then fucking drove away without watching the guy leave the mall.

He immediately comes storming back into the hotel, screaming at me for calling security and starts leaning over the desk trying to grab me. I backed away and told him calmly that we had 24 hour security/video surveillance. He stops trying to grab at me and leaves after I said that. I run and hide in the PBX room in our back office and call the cops. They got there within two minutes, but the guy was gone. They had one cop car stay outside the hotel for a few hours, and three circling the area just in case he decided to come back.

Dude eventually came back, but was immediately surrounded by the cops. As one of the cops was approaching the car, he starts to pull a goddamn great sword from the passenger side. 

Not only did he have a great sword, but he also had several knives, a crowbar, and what was descried to me by one of the cops as "Thor’s Hammer,” which he planned on using on his ex-wife and me. I had to go to court several times because they wanted to put this guy in jail for a while, and each time I had to deal with his slimeball of a lawyer, who accused me of lying to his client about various things and not being in any actual danger since his client left the hotel on his own. The prosecutor looked like he was going to throttle the guy when he said that. The guy ended up in jail for six months then got shipped back to Iowa, and the cops promised to let me know when he was released, and that they were going to keep tabs on him. And they did, to which I’m so very thankful for.

Long story short: when the front desk refuses to give you a key to a room, or not transfer your call, it is a security issue, for both the guest and staff. 

This woman has another reservation at our hotel again in a few days, and I’m praying this doesn’t happen again.

Tbh I’m surprised there aren’t more tv shows set around hotels, because the stuff that happens here is sometimes crazier than fiction.

There are always enough lawyer shows, and that job seems kinda boring, y'know? The writers have to glitz it up and find ways to add drama that would never really fly in the real world.

But you’d have to tone it down to make it believable when doing a show about the hospitality industry.

Wait, did you charge the card I gave you? Why wouldn’t you tell me that you’re charging that card? That’s very unappreciated.

Are you really asking me that. Did I really just get into a debate with a guest over this. Yes, I authorized the card you gave me after asking for your credit card and ID. 
Do you fucking go to the grocery store, give the cashier your card, then get pissed that they charged your card too?

Dumb bitch.

Dear Valued Guest,

While most hotels, especially chains like this one, DO competitively price-match, there is a bare-minimum rate that I do not have the authority nor ability to set your reservation below (which just so happens to be $60.) Even my manager can’t alter the price beyond that without asking Corporate’s permission first, which they almost never actually grant for us barring a few extraordinary circumstances (which this most certainly IS NOT.)

If you want your $50 room, I suggest you go ahead and book directly through the site you mentioned. But before you come down to my desk and make ridiculous demands, you could at least have the decency to verify that this is in fact the correct hotel instead of pulling up the name of a cheaper sister-property and trying to fuck me like a bitch.

My name is NOT Marcellus Wallace.

~ H. H.

Shut the fuck up... wait omg!!!

Had to go to a room twice to get the kids to stop jumping on the beds and being generally loud, after I had called up twice…

1st Phone Call:
The dad: “Oh, well we are on vacation ya know? Let the kids have a lil’ fun.”
Me: I understand that. However it is past midnight and it’s disturbing the other guests. Please calm them down.

2nd Phone Call 15 mins later
Me: I believe it has gotten worse. 
Dad: Oh, well they aren’t jumping on the beds anymore.
Me: Are they just jumping around the room?
Dad: ummm..Yes….
Me: uhh… That is still making a lot of noise. Please be respectful of the other guests and quiet your children down.

1st visit:
Me: 
It is 1am. Your children are keeping 5 rooms awake. You need to keep them quiet or I will be forced to ask you to leave.
Brat #1: I can go to bed whenever i want.
Brat #2 (takes a big drink of Mt. Dew): Yeah Dad said that we can stay up as long as we want.
Me: That’s fine you guys can stay up. But you can’t be so loud. There are other people sleeping…
Brat #1: SO!
Me (to the Dad):… Sir, if I receive another complaint I’m going to have to charge you for every discount I give to the other guests due to your unwillingness to cooperate.
Dad: That’s fine, my wife is paying for this anyways…

Within 10mins I had more complaints. Now they were playing music….

On the second visit I had my Fav. cop with me to help me kick them out. He’s helped me out on several situations and is a father himself.

We went up there all:


He couldn’t believe that the kids were up so late on a week night eating/drinking sugary items. We gave them 15mins to gather their things. But my cop buddy had a bad feeling about the whole thing, So he looked him up.

Yeah turns out Dad kidnapped the two lil’ Brats from their Mom, who has full custody. He was supposed to take them to a movie and straight home…. Home is a 3 hr drive away. They were in the process of sending out an Amber Alert…

I helped… prevent an Amber Alert…

omg!! So glad I called the Cops to help, so happy the cop that showed up was my friend and SO unbelievably thankful that he looked it up!

Well tonight is my last night of audit and just incase I don’t have time to post my goodbye (I have a paper to write on Dante so I’ll be busy) this will justify.

Just got to say thank you all for sharing the frustrations of people and the audit with me. You all made me laugh and feel better even when times were tough here.

I’m leaving behind you guys and as well as some awesome coworkers, my second family essentially. So glad I got to know you guys! And hey if I’m ever in town, don’t be shy!

So I wanted to share a story…when I first started audit 4 years ago, I remember going outside with my manager and hearing this click click click noise. I assumed it was a leaf blowing across the parking lot. Instead, it was a fucking turkey running through and away from the hotel!

Moral of the story, i hope you all eventually run away from the hotel industry (unless you really like it then good luck and I hope you climb the corporate ladder!) like the turkey did. get out and live life!

Cheers and farewell my friends!