night-audit

*teens in lobby at one in the morning, decide to destroy my coffee stand*

Me: Alright y'all, normally I don’t mind you being down here at night, but now you’re gonna have to go to bed.

Becks: actually our parents said we could be down here.

Me: Okay, but if you’re not 18 you need to go back to your room. This is a hotel rule.

Becky: Well one of us is 18.

Me: Well then one of you can stay.

Rebecca: Actually we can all stay.

Me: Then I’ll have to call the cops.

Rebecca-roni-and-cheese: Ugh, that’s soooo not nice.

Dear Future Hotel Guests,

Welcome to this fine establishment. I do hope you enjoy your time here. 
A few things to consider before heading up to your room. 
This hotel is staffed with real, live, humans! Homo sapien sapiens! Observe them as they work diligently to serve you with timeliness and grace! Please do not tap on the counter or raise your voice, these things do irritate them in their natural habitats and will cause them to run away! 
That being said, they’re not super humans! None of us are relatives of Clark Kent, Natasha Romanova, or Bruce Banner. Please keep that in mind when becoming irritated about extra towels taking 10 minutes to arrive to your room, or when the room isn’t ready yet because the housekeepers (also human) are working as fast as they can to finish the room for you. 
That being said, this zoo facility, is fully stocked to suit your needs. In moderation. If every room is occupied; I do not have enough towels for each room to have 4 extra. The same goes for roll away beds, air mattresses, pillows, duvets, and ice buckets. 
Please do not pet the staff, but it is admissible and encouraged to feed and tip us. 
Thank you, enjoy your stay. 

-Front Desk Human

Dear Valued Guest,

While most hotels, especially chains like this one, DO competitively price-match, there is a bare-minimum rate that I do not have the authority nor ability to set your reservation below (which just so happens to be $60.) Even my manager can’t alter the price beyond that without asking Corporate’s permission first, which they almost never actually grant for us barring a few extraordinary circumstances (which this most certainly IS NOT.)

If you want your $50 room, I suggest you go ahead and book directly through the site you mentioned. But before you come down to my desk and make ridiculous demands, you could at least have the decency to verify that this is in fact the correct hotel instead of pulling up the name of a cheaper sister-property and trying to fuck me like a bitch.

My name is NOT Marcellus Wallace.

~ H. H.

I love that I’m working with my best friend now, I really do.

But.

We only ever see each other at work. And we’re finally moving in together, and management won’t schedule us both off on the same day so it can actually get done.

They’re gonna hate when we take our vacation this spring 🙄

Be nice to the Front Desk

We control whether you get your wake up call.

We control whether you get random wake up calls.

We control whether or not you get extra pillows.

We control whether you get breakfast early.

We control whether or not you get an early check in.

We control whether or not you get a late check out.

I feel like I should clarify that I actually love my job *most* of the time.

If I ever went to work at a different hotel, I think I’d still want to work NIght Audit.

1st shift Front Desk wouldn’t be so bad, either.

Not touching 2nd shift with a ten foot pole.

I’ve been down that road.

Never again.

The Signs As Hospitality Jobs
  • aries: general manager
  • taurus: most frustrated breakfast host ever
  • gemini: the cutest bartender that makes up the silliest cocktails and gets the staff drunk
  • cancer: angriest accountant who silently cheers when their numbers are even
  • leo: the head chef that yells at everyone and gives people samples of their new recipes all the time and teaches you how to pickle apples
  • virgo: the only waitress
  • libra: front desk assistant, answering them phones and faking a smile all day erry day
  • scorpio: night auditor that hates the sun and most people
  • sagittarius: housekeeping manager that gets shit done professionally but when they’re alone doing laundry they’re blasting AC/DC and playing air guitar on a pile of pillows
  • capricorn: office manager, don’t fucking steal our sharpies or i won’t speak to you for a week
  • aquarius: the most frazzled bell boy who gets the best tips
  • pisces: the could-care-less reservations manager
If your name is not on the reservation, I am not obligated to give you any information.

Terrifying story time. It’s long, but it starts with a drunk and ends with seven police cars and medieval weapons.

About a year ago, I was doing paperwork for audit when a guest came down wanting to talk…or attempt to, at least. She was completely wasted, and she brought down a drink with her. Which happened to be in her toddler’s sippy cup. So, you know, classy. She told me her life story, and being polite, I listened while trying to do my work. How she’s got three kids and she brought them here for a weekend birthday party thing,she’s divorced from a crazy asshole who lives in Iowa, how she got her law degree against all odds, etc. Followed me around even while I was setting up breakfast. Overall nice, but annoying.

The next night I come in, and my coworker mentions that Rm. 136 requested no calls be transferred to the room. Drunky McDrinksalot happened to be in that room, so I told him about the previous night. We laughed about it, he left, I started my shift.

Around 1:15 in the morning, two guys come in, wanting a key to 136, giving the last name on the res. Both looked like they were on something. As I was pulling up the res., he started mumbling about “the fucking bitch” and “my kids, too.” I have an internal freakout, because this guy was the crazy ex-husband who was supposed to be in Iowa. So I lied and said I couldn’t find the name in our system. He gets pissed and whips out his phone, showing me pictures of some kids in our swimming pool his mother sent him. “That’s your fucking pool, and those are my fucking kids so I know they’re here.”

“I apologize, but I cannot find her name in here. She might be under a different name." 

His response was to slap down a wad of cash and demand a room.Thank the gods we don’t accept cash. He snatched up his money and stormed out yelling about how much a raging bitch I was. The guy with him just shrugged his shoulders at me and followed.

Fifteen minutes later I get a call from an outside number, wanting to be transferred to 136. Same guy, trying to pretend he was someone else. I reiterated I culdn’t find the name in our system, and he explodes. Says he sees her car out in the parking lot, and he’s just going to wait there until the morning. So I call 136 to let her know what’s going on, and to ask what she would like me to do. She requests I call mall security (the hotel’s withing a shopping center, middle of nowhere). I call security to tell them what’s going on, and ask if they could come and get him to leave. What does security do? Pulls up to the guy, tells him I called and wanted him to leave, then fucking drove away without watching the guy leave the mall.

He immediately comes storming back into the hotel, screaming at me for calling security and starts leaning over the desk trying to grab me. I backed away and told him calmly that we had 24 hour security/video surveillance. He stops trying to grab at me and leaves after I said that. I run and hide in the PBX room in our back office and call the cops. They got there within two minutes, but the guy was gone. They had one cop car stay outside the hotel for a few hours, and three circling the area just in case he decided to come back.

Dude eventually came back, but was immediately surrounded by the cops. As one of the cops was approaching the car, he starts to pull a goddamn great sword from the passenger side. 

Not only did he have a great sword, but he also had several knives, a crowbar, and what was descried to me by one of the cops as "Thor’s Hammer,” which he planned on using on his ex-wife and me. I had to go to court several times because they wanted to put this guy in jail for a while, and each time I had to deal with his slimeball of a lawyer, who accused me of lying to his client about various things and not being in any actual danger since his client left the hotel on his own. The prosecutor looked like he was going to throttle the guy when he said that. The guy ended up in jail for six months then got shipped back to Iowa, and the cops promised to let me know when he was released, and that they were going to keep tabs on him. And they did, to which I’m so very thankful for.

Long story short: when the front desk refuses to give you a key to a room, or not transfer your call, it is a security issue, for both the guest and staff. 

This woman has another reservation at our hotel again in a few days, and I’m praying this doesn’t happen again.

Graduation
  • Person: Are you sold out?
  • Me: You're in luck, I have someone not showing up. So, with a full hot breakfast in the morning, complimentary wi-fi, I can do a late checkout for the two queen sized beds.
  • Person: Fine, whatever. I'll take it
  • Me: Okay, the rate is supposed to be 199.95 plus tax, but it's late so I can cut you a break and let it go for a flat 150 plus tax and I just need an ID and a--
  • Person: What? That's fucking crazy, you can do better than that. What the hell is going on? Why is everyone so busy?
  • Me: It's graduation weekend for the local university so the entire town is pretty much sold out, 150 is the best I can do. Do you want the room?
  • Person: No, fuck that. You're fucking ripping me off. I'm going to check down the street
  • Me: Okayyyyyyy... g'luck
  • Guy standing behind him: So, that means I can take the room, right?
  • Me: Sure, all I need is an ID and a card. Long day?
  • Person: *comes back 20 minutes later*
  • Person: Alright, I'll take my room now. But I'm not paying more than 120, fuck that
  • Me: Unfortunately, we're sold out

Tbh I’m surprised there aren’t more tv shows set around hotels, because the stuff that happens here is sometimes crazier than fiction.

There are always enough lawyer shows, and that job seems kinda boring, y'know? The writers have to glitz it up and find ways to add drama that would never really fly in the real world.

But you’d have to tone it down to make it believable when doing a show about the hospitality industry.