Last night was pretty tough. Not much sleep and apparently B was out for a while, then Bunny, then Sky. They’re all from the forest subsystem. The forest alters seem to have longer after effects. I’m feeling so muddled up today.
B thinks her name is Bitch still, though my partner is trying to encourage her to say B instead. She thinks she’s a dog and can’t talk in full sentences, just a couple of words. She was scared and asking if my partner is her new owner again. She doesn’t seem to understand time has moved on. She can’t grip things because she thinks she has paws not hands. She thinks she has to drink water from a bowl not from a cup. She now has a cuddly to chew on because she was chewing our hand quite hard.
After Bunny has fronted we tend to feel drugged - we know why but it doesn’t make it any easier. She has no memory of the abuse as such and is an attached part ie she loves the primary abuser, she calls him “daddy”. Usually my partner can comfort her but the last two times she’s fronted she’s been upset that he isn’t there. She wanted to see him, to go back to him. I feel so sick that there is even anyone attached to that monster, as much as I love Bunny.
Sky seems to be the most coherent of the forest alters in that she remembers more of “this is now, that was then”. She sometimes forgets details but she definitely has more of an understanding than some of the other forest alters and she knows the men were bad. The body memories are awful after she fronts so we’ve had pain all day in several areas.
I have no co-consciousness with the forest alters which I’m finding particularly frustrating right now. In the “main” system I have varying degrees of co-consciousness, especially with the alters I’ve known about for as long as I can remember. But the forest system there isn’t even 1% co-consciousness. I talk to them occasionally when I hear them in my head but that’s not often. They’re only around at night - I can’t hear them during the day and they don’t front during the day. It’s a bit frustrating because obviously our therapist isn’t around at night (I know they could email or whatever but a lot of them are so stuck in the past they don’t even know how to work our phone, let alone send an email).
I feel myself getting really frustrated with the situation because while I am very lucky in that my partner is always there so she can keep them safe and tell me what’s happened/what’s been said when I switch back, I’m not experiencing it myself. Our therapist says that it’s great my partner is so supportive of us all and of course she can reassure whoever is fronting and have relationships with them. But she also says they need to know I’m there for them too and I’ll keep them safe. I agree, I don’t want to always rely on others to tell me what’s happening inside, but how do I do that with little to no access to these alters?
So… what you’re telling me is… Stephanie Meyer wrote a fanfiction of her own damn book that was published, sold and made onto a film, to rival the fanfiction that EL James wrote about that very book, but then changed names to fit a new book of her own design, which in doing so she effectively wrote a fanfiction of her own fanfiction that was eventually published, sold, made into a film? Not forgetting that Twilight was ripped from a short story LJ Smith wrote a good 10 years before Mayer started writing. So… really… Twilight was a fanfiction too.