nigga tips

Pro-Ho Tip #4

Being the bigger person is kind of overrated. As someone who’s spent their entire life being the bigger person FUCK THAT SHIT. Be a nice person, have patience, but if a nigga disrespects you do not hesitate to let that bitch know they got you fucked up. If a nigga is crazy enough to come at strange then they should be ready to get that ass roasted and thoroughly read.

Grooming Tips for All My Niggas

Alright, y’all

You’re nasty. Not tryna start nothing, but y’all are, it’s just a fact of nature, niggas is nasty. We smell, look, taste and feel nasty in our natural states. And ain’t nobody tyna get hollered on by a nasty ass nigga. But it’s all good, ya boy got you, we gonna get you looking smelling and feeling fresh as hell so you can go hit the club, or hit the bed. Let’s hit it.

To get started, you gonna need some tunes. I prefer something that’s gonna get you thinking about that one you tryna talk to, like some Badu or Sade, but my homeboy be swearing by Drake, so choose what you gonna wanna kick it with for an hour or two.

Alright, let’s hit it.

1.      We gonna take care of your face first, ‘cause this is gonna take some good time. Y’all know that shaving ain’t no punk for a nigga. We naturally got thick and wavy/curly facial hair, which has trouble growing up through the skin. Any nigga who shaves knows the hell that is your face bumping up, especially under your chin. So go hit the store. Walgreens is gonna have a majority of what you need. Wherever you go though, hit it up and get you some witch hazel and some aloe vera. Less than then bones for the both. Also, get you a double edge safety razor. It’s about $25 for one, and it’ll last you forever. If you a stingy/broke nigga, grab a bag of the single blade Bic disposables, but trust me, save up for the safety razor. It’s hella good for that Black skin and hair, and a nigga don’t wanna be bumpy (and red, for my lightskin niggas) tryna step. For shaving cream, you either need to get that professional shit with a brush, or else get you some olive oil (yo momma/sister/girl got some for her hair, I’m sure). Also, a bar of black soap is made for Black skin and’ll leave you feeling fresh and clean. Ask the Black Muslims, the guys at your barbershop, or hit up AfricaImports.com for some at a reasonable price, because it’s cheap. Go on and lather your face up real good with the soap, and wash with a washcloth in your sink. The soap lathers brown, so you’ll need to wipe down the sink area when you’re done, ain’t nobody wanna find some brown mess all over your sink. Rinse your face off and get your shaving cream or the olive oil, and slather it on your beard. Because there’s only one blade on your razor, you’ll have an easy ass time getting straight sideburns and smooth designs if you want them, but also there won’t be a lot of pull on your beard that leads to bumping. Just be careful with the safety razor, cause a nigga slip once and you got a nice gash to go show off at the spot. Rinse whatever remainders off of your face. The olive oil will have your face feeling smooth. That’s what you looking for. Ain’t nobody wanna lay up with a rough face-having nigga all up on them (PROTIP though, always but a barrier between your face and someone else when you laying up together. Beard stubble is rougher than a mug on someone else’s skin). PROTIP FOR THE BALDING NIGGAS! Shave it off. Niggas look good bald, but not with patchy ass hair.

2.      Hit the showers. You need to wash it all, my dude. Get you washcloth and clean that shit up. Be real thorough especially in your private areas. Ain’t nobody wanna experience yo dick cheese or smell your ass, so especially if your expecting company in that area, clean it out thoroughly. Especially pay some attention to your ass. Get all around, in the hair if you got some, and even rinse out the first little bit of your butt hole. Ain’t no shame in being clean, my dude. Bring a pair of scissors in the shower with you: I prefer the tiny ones with rounded points that they sell for elementary school kids at target or whatever, so you don’t have to worry about stabbing yourself. You don’t need to take everything off, but if you think something’s a little uneven or out of control, trim it up. Your dick looking like Shorty from Scary Movie 2, but you want Scary Movie 1, dude. If your armpits or ass looking thick as the jungle, consider that too, but it’s not as necessary. Rinse off well though, you don’t want no random stray pubes drifting about. Also, scrub your feet down, including between your toes. Wash your hair: hair naturally keeps odour, so if you ain’t washed it in a while you finna be musty, so get it right.

3.      Pat dry, and PUT ON SOME GODDAMN LOTION. For real, ain’t nobody wanna touch up on a dry ass nigga all day (or all night).

4.      Let’s talk about your feet. They’re nasty. Here’s how you can fix that. You have two options. Number one, go get you a pedicure. Ain’t no shame, hell I got some play today sitting in the chair while my girl Nancy lotioned me up, buffed me out and gave me a clear coat for $20. You need a recommendation in Colorado, I got you. Otherwise, go get you some high-quality nail clippers and a nail file. Clip yourself down neat and even, use the file if need be. Now, slather your feet in lotion, I mean slather, and put on some socks until your ready to go. Once you’re ready to walk out the door, change your socks and wipe off the extra lotion. This should keep you mostly moist and smooth down there for a bit. Then your feet won’t be knicking and getting all up on your sheets and your partners legs. If you’re extra crusty, I recommend Crisco instead of lotion on your feet.

5.      Let’s work on your scent. Now you can keep all of those cans of Axe laying around in case you need something fast or you’re not looking to impress on the daily, but anytime you’re looking to smell fresh and sexy, I’mma recommend you get yourself a professional fragrance. Best way to do this is to first learn about notes, what you like, what you don’t like, and what smells good on you. Hit up Fragrantica.com and browse around a little bit, or go over to the department store in the mall and find the little men’s fragrance area. Smell a couple, first sprayed in the air, then on yourself (don’t mix). If you find something online your not sure about, order a decant (they’re small bottles that you can spend less than ten dollars on). Find a fragrance that both you and your target audience will think is fire. Give yourself three sprays: neck/chest area, back of neck, wrists.

6.      If you really wanna be a fly ass nigga, get yo colours right. Know what colours go good together. Look at some models at note the colours. Look at some ladies and note the colours (a lot of them have got this on point better than us, but some don’t, so take a grain of salt with that shit). Here’s a tip: opposites are good. Go find a colour wheel and look at the opposites. Red and green, blue and orange, yellow and purple, etc. Don’t be that nigga who only got one colour scheme either, or that nigga who only wanna wear black, grey and blue. Think about which colours look good with your skin, and make sure your jewellery matches too. For example, I don’t like my skin in gold jewellery or bright orange. I be killing ‘em in silver and turquoise though. Guess what I be stocking up on. You got it.

7.      Brush your teeth. BRUSH YOUR TONGUE YOU MUSTY NIGGA. That shit’s uncomfortable, but it’ll have you smelling right for hours.

8.      Hit the club/date/party/bedroom/whatever. Talk right. Treat people right. Smell fresh. Taste fresh. Feel fresh. Look fresh.

youtube

Mos Def - Black On Both Sides, 1999 (full album)

01. Fear Not Of Man [0:02]
02. Hip Hop [4:31]
03. Love [7:47]
04. Ms. Fat Booty [12:10]
05. Speed Law [15:54]
06. Do It Now feat. Busta Rhymes [20:10]
07. Got [24:00]
08. Umi Says [27:27]
09. New World Water [32:38]
10. Rock ‘N’ Roll [35:50]
11. Know That feat. Talib Kweli [40:53]
12. Climb feat. Vinia Mojica [44:56]
13. Brooklyn [ERROR]
14. Habitat [53:25]
15. Mr. Nigga feat. Q-Tip [58:49]
16. Mathematics [1:04:00]
17. May-December [1:08:06]

favorite…

The barber game isn’t what it used to be… Barbers nowadays don’t go by that code. Don’t respect appointment times. Don’t work during business hours… Shit wild. This shit about to make me start to not tip niggas.

Big K.R.I.T | Album Review

In the Intro, K.R.I.T.‘s hoopty won’t start. So, he decides to walk on his path. You instantly get it. He is broke and upset. Not just at the car but seemingly at the course of his life and the people around him (A bad car can really push you over the edge, trust me) You can clearly see that this is not the breakdown but the turning point. K.R.I.T doesn’t inform us in the skit whether he is coming or going, starting or nearing the end. Let’s say he is just in the middle of his journey. And being stuck in the middle of anything you’re pursuing can be down right depressing. But what is clear is that there is a destination, a promised land if you will.  And trekking of foot isn’t settling or nor is it a slower option, but a better one. A teachable one of patience and the test of strength. It’s a risk, but K.R.I.T. is  willing to take it.

And so the mixtape unfolds, he isn’t so much frustrated on this walk but he is contemplating and it’s entertaining. Seriously, one line your chuckling and the next line you’re nodding like the mother of the church to the pastor.  K.R.I.T spits on everything from finding and keeping motivation to ho niggas who don’t tip the hand that feeds them (aka Strippers…Really niggas? rappers need strippers more than strippers need rappers these days, but I digress) with furious ease.The album features guest appearances from legends like Warren G and Ludacris (Luda is a legend. Debate me.) and new voices like K Camp and BJ the Chicago Kid. The beats are dramatic and jazzy but are still bass heavy because of course you’re messin’ with a Southern underground king here so you’ll be constantly boppin’ to this one.

All in all, K.R.I.T. understands that, no matter what you are creating and how hard it gets, you cannot be too complacent in this game that we call life and you must always take the road less traveled. And it’s never over no matter how far you’ve come from the bottom. Or the middle.

Written by: @jacjonestillinfinity | Music Journalist | HipHopClassicks

Chapter 6

Mariya

“Your friends give me chest pains.” I said, buckling my seat belt. Spending a day a barbershop full of men certainly was..interesting. Especially when I was the only woman in there.

“Ya love us.” He said as he buckled his. I rolled my eyes and smiled. “Love is a very strong word." 

"You hungry?” He asked, looking over at me. I opened my mouth to say “no”, but my stomach beat me to it. “I’m fine.” I stressed, more to myself than to him. “Yo’ stomach not agreein’ with you, ma.” He smirked, pulling out of the parking lot. “We gon’ go to Chilis, aight? Aight.”

“I’m pretty sure this is kidnapping.” I joked. I was too hungry to argue with him today. 

Once we made it there, I practically skipped my inside with August in tow. He laughed at me all the way to our booth. “What?” I said as I handed the waiter my menu. He smiled, shaking his head at me. “Nothin’. You just seem really excited bout eating." 

"I am. This is one of my fav restaurants.” I said, playfully rolling my eyes. “You have good taste.” I admitted. I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket and pulled it out. A text from Isis and a text from my mom. I felt August’s eyes on me as I replied.

“You always on the phone." 

"Not really.” I said, keeping my eyes on the screen. “Do you have an Instagram?” I asked, glancing up at him.

He nodded, pulling his own phone out. “It’s Yungaug.” I chuckled, typing the name in. “That’s so unoriginal.”

“What yours is then?" 

"Mariya_luv. I followed you.” I replied, locking my phone back. “Your Insta name ain’t that original either." 

"It’s cute though, unlike yours." 

"Imma let that slide. This you and ya girl, ma?” He questioned, holding his phone out to me. He was looking at the picture of me and Adriana at the beach. I nodded and he pulled the phone back.

“I guess it’s true what they say.”

“Hm?”

He shook his head as the waiter came back with our food. “Females always pull the baddest females.” I couldn’t stop myself from laughing at his comment. “It’s not even like that.” I took a quick sip of my soda and glanced at him. “Some of y'all just don’t know how to act.”

“You say that like we a differen’ species or sumn.” He grumbled, picking up his fork. “Lemme, ask you you sumn, Mariya.”

“Go ahead.” I responded, dipping an egg roll in the sauce.

“Are you bi or a lesbian?" 

I’m actually surprised he didn’t ask me sooner. Better late then never I suppose. "I don’t care for labels, but I guess I’m bi.” I shrugged and took a bite of my roll. It was perfect, as always.

“You guess?” He asked, chewing on a piece of steak. “Mhm. Adriana’s the first woman I’ve ever been with. She’s the only woman I ever really been attracted to.” She was. Sure, I thought other women were beautiful, but I wasn’t attracted to them, per se. 

“What bout her?” He pressed. “Um, well. Hmmm.” How could I put this? “Adri prefers women over men, but she’s very picky, especially with men.” The things a men had to go through to even get her number was ridiculous. “She wouldn’t like you.”

“Why not?” I chuckled a bit at his expression. “Well, for one you tried to take what’s hers. For two, you’re not her type. And three, she’s not interested in dick right now.”

“You interested in it right na?” He retorted, a smirk on his face. “I don’t even know what that is, sir.” I teased. I watched him open to mouth to reply, but his vibrating phone cut him off. I poked at the reamaing crumbs on my plate while he replied. “Mariya.” I looked up to meet his eyes. “Yes?”

“You mind comin’ somewhere with me?”

August

I was surprised when Mariya said she didn’t mind tagging along. I guess she was finally warming up to an nigga. That didn’t stop her for chastising me for my habits though. “How often do you smoke?" 

"Almost everyday.” She’d been firing off questions since the moment we got out the car. “I figured. You always smell like weed” She said while avoiding some glass from a broken bottle. “I don’t.” She stuck her tongue out at me. “You do.” I smiled at her as we reached the door. It was still early in the day, but this kickback sounded live as fuck.

As soon as we entered the smell of weed and the sound of loud music invaded my senses. I looked to my right to see if Mariya was okay, but she didn’t seem bothered by the noise or the smell. Shawty could hang. 

Most of the niggas in here were posted up and the females were all gathered in their lil’ cliques. I caught a few niggas eyeing Mariya as we walked past and I found myself frowning. Somehow, my hand found it’s way to the small of her back as I lead her down the hall to the basement. She glanced up at me, but didn’t say anything. Other niggas looking at what I wanted didn’t fly with me. Never have, never will.

The basement only had a handful of people in it, most I didn’t recognize. “Wassup, Aug?” Someone shouted over the loud music. We immediately turned our heads to the couch and I realized who called me. “What it is, Sean?” I reached out my hand to dap him as Mariya went over to his girl. 

Liana gave me a wave and a smile which I returned. Her and Mariya were chatting away about something. “Fuck you doin’ here with Mariya, nigga?” He questioned. 

“I asked ha’ to make a run with me.” I said, glancing over at her. She was still laughing it up with Liana. “Is it that surprisin’ to us together?”

“A lil bit, nigga. Im surprised she let you take her anywhere.” He chuckled, digging his hands in his pockets. “You still tryna to fuck?”

“She playin’ hard to get.” I smiled, shaking my head. “She warmin’ up to me though." 

"Ol’ girl stubborn as fuck. Even if she didn’t have a girlfriend, she’d still give yo ass a hard time.” Sean chuckled, pulling his hands out his pockets. “Here, nigga. Zae left me with the honor of presentin’ you with your supply.”

“Don’t expect a tip, nigga.” I chuckled, grabbing the bag from him. “Get that shit from Zae." Sarcastic as ever. Mariya and Liana came over right after our "transaction”. 

Sean pulled Mariya into a sideways hug and patted his chest. Here this nigga go with the dramatics. “Im hurt, Mariya.” She only chuckled and went along with his play. “Why, Sean? Do tell.”

“Cause yo lil ass ignored me for my woman.” Sean stressed. “I know you like pussy and all, but a nigga could use some love.” We all burst out laughing as Sean’s speech and Mariya mushed him away before coming to stand by me.

“That’s why you get no love.” Mariya huffed as she smoothed out her shirt. I only shook my head at their antics. 

“Imma catch you later, Sean.” I said, dapping him up again. I gave Liana a quick hug while I waited for Mariya. I watched her give Liana a hug and Sean another mush. She was spunky when she wanted to be.

The car ride back to her apartment was silent. She was back to typing away on that phone of hers. “Ma.” I called out to her. “I make a right up here?” She only nodded in response. Imma knock that phone right outta her hands one day. 

She finally looked up when I pulled into the lot. “I see you didn’t get us lost." 

"Neva that.” I replied, turning to face her. My face scrunched up when I saw her pull out her wallet. “Here.” She was pushing a 20 into my hand. “What’s this fo?”

“Gas money.” She replied as if I was dumb. “What else?” I pushed her hand away gently and shook my head. “I don’t need it. Keep it.”

“You’re driving me around with your car. I’m not going to let you do that for free.” She huffed. That independent shit was sexy as fuck on her. I licked my lips and left out a chuckle. 

“What type of man would I be if took that money from you?” She sighed. “A good one.” It was my turn to sigh. Shawty wasn’t backing down. “Keep it. You really think I need it?” I questioned, with my brow raised. “That’s no-” I cut her off before she could finish. “I know that’s not the point, but keep ya money, ma. It’s nothing.”

“….Fine.” She said in a huff. “Thank you.” I laughed at the defeated look on her face. “You welcome, love.” The car was silent for a minute before I heard her call my name.

“August?”

“Yeah?”

“You wanna come upstairs with me?”

Prime now is crazy your package comes in 2 hours…and u can see on a map where the delivery car is. e… I think imma apply for this job lol they just made me tip this nigga 7 dollars lol cause what i bought was 70 dollars, they 10% him lol.. tips are prolly crazy especially if u working in manhattan… i coulda lowered it but i felt bad idk if he was working for free. Pardon the grey ms paint blur out at the edge had an arrow pointed directly at my house couldnt have any of yall niggas showing up to kill me

this shit makes NO sense

Bustin’ out the bando
A nigga jewelry real metal like a can opener
I went from rags to riches to a feature with Tip
I went from Smart Car to a bitch with some smart lips
And the F&N make my hip limp
I’m goin’ fishin’ with these little bitty shrimp dips
And my bank roll got a big dip
She gon’ bring it on a big ship
Quite trill, no Quik Trip
I got drugs in the alley, kno Tip there
She just wanna have a good day
Smoke way more weed than a guy in L.A
I want them birds ‘til next May
Never let em fly away
What!? I heard, aye
Listen what my nigga Tip say

Pro-tip since niggas don't know how to listen these days

If a cop tells you to do something, and that thing is not illegal, just fucking do it. Producing a license and your registration does not violate your rights. If you fail to do so, getting out of the vehicle does not violate your rights. If a cop tells you to get on the ground, don’t just stand there saying you didn’t do anything. No officer is just gonna put away the cuffs and apologize for the inconvenience. Comply with them. You WILL be inconvenienced, but it’s better than any alternative.