nice jewish guy

the signs as things my aunt karen has done
  • Aries: had to have my parents bail her out of jail because she got belligerent at a restaurant, started loudly impersonating elvis and ended up getting violent when asked to leave
  • Taurus: stole my "nice jewish guys" 2013 calendar
  • Gemini: hit on my boyfriend
  • Cancer: so often convinced herself that she was dying of assorted terminal illnesses every other week that she frequently planned her own funeral
  • Leo: gotten fired from her maid job at a hotel for throwing a party in one of the rooms
  • Virgo: pursued a legitimate car chase with the police and her civil union partner, respectively
  • Libra: hit on the cop who stopped the car chase
  • Scorpio: named all of her dogs after alcohol (RIP Scotch, Whiskey and Hennessy)
  • Sagittarius: stole a horse from her neighbor and held it for ransom
  • Capricorn: stole $4000 from my grandfather and blamed it on her ex-husband
  • Aquarius: snuck alcohol onto cruises by taking the bags out of boxed wine and putting them into heating pads
  • Pisces: broke her elbow by falling off a wheeled computer chair whilst drunk