Listen. I firmly believe the Falconers play “the floor is lava”
After every practice, Georgia groups everyone up for announcements, and at the end she says calmly: “the floor is lava” and twenty grown men are clamoring to the nearest climbable object, shoving each other and kicking.
In a small gas station during a long roadie, someone from somewhere in the store shouts “the floor is lava!” and ten seconds later there’s two shelves down and Jack is apologizing to a tired manager while sitting on the cashier counter, not touching the floor
During lunch in the dining area, Jack sits with Tater, Snowy, Marty, Thirdy, Guy, and Poots. They’re talking idly and quietly, guy says “so, you hear about the floor?” Jack and Marty groan, Tater grins, Poots braces for it. “it’s apparently lava” guy finishes.
There’s food knocked to the floor as Guy just continues eating his lunch like nothing.
They’ve broken two chairs, a coffee table, Jacks wrist, and a lamp.
Pros: rich and doesn’t care about making more money, stays away from drama.
Cons: too superstitious, doesn’t like the spotlight, running the NHL would take away from playing the game, refuses to wear shoes other than skates or crocs, Philadelphia is mysteriously left out of the schedule for the season, is found dead after choking on a mozzarella stick.
Pros: smart guy, fair, doesn’t hold grudges, likes to teach people and take them under his wing, serious and stays on topic
Cons: would be too focused on promoting vegetables instead of hockey.
pros: mature, good candidate for making the sport of hockey more diverse.
cons: all of his clothes have rips in them. rappers everywhere will make rap songs about him and none of the players would take him seriously. Every team’s goal song is a rap song about Auston Matthews.
pros: nice guy, works hard, loves the game. A Stanley cup champion.
Cons: can’t deal with reporters.
pros: went to college.
Cons: only eats skittles and Nutella and drinks bottled water. A bad influence on children.
Pros: smart, nice, good leader, respected, won’t blame you if you break his collar bone.
Cons: no one pays attention to what he’s saying because they can’t get over how fast and talented he is and the fact that he’s CONNOR MCDAVID. None of the announcers ever talk about the game. All they talk about is their beloved commissioner. They can’t get over how amazing he is.
pros: been in the game a long time. He loves to assist people. Loves it. Joseph Eric Thornton lives to serve.
Cons: grabs random guys’ beards to compare them to his. No one has a better beard than Jumbo. Children mistake him for Santa Claus and cry because he’s too skinny and they think he doesn’t eat their milk and cookies.
pros: lots of females suddenly become huge fans of hockey.
Cons: always naked, giggles too much, spends too much time taking selfies, covers everything in pink glitter.
Pros: good leader, wants things fair for everyone
Cons: spaces out too much. Gets rid of all the music in the arenas and replaces it with elevator music. Spends most of him time thinking about how to work an elevator. He only knows how to go up in them because he doesn’t go down.
Carey Price takes care of boring, behind the scenes stuff. Alex Ovechkin is the front man. He talks to the press and promotes the league. Team North America comes back. Former Team Europe is split up by individual country, and Team Europe becomes 23 year olds and younger players from countries in Europe and Russia. Everyone is happy. The End.
you don’t pick a favorite player based on who’s leading the league in scoring or who gets the most exposure or who’s the most attractive. in fact, you don’t pick a favorite player at all they pick you and you better get used to it