newbeginnings

If you have been feeling stuck in a situation or that everything has been standing still lately, get ready because this Full Moon will be bringing with it a wind of change. The whole of earth is going through a massive transition at the minute, Summer is fading and Autumn is coming in, leaves are starting to change colour and falling from trees, plants and flowers are dying and seeding the earth for next Spring. But at the same time crops in fields are flourishing with the harvest, fruit is now at it’s most ripest. We will feel this energy of transformation, we should use it to help transform ourselves into what we want to be.
The Full Moon is in the constellation of Pisces. The time is potent to follow our hearts to create new pathways. There is a simultaneous shedding and emerging as we focus to ground our visions into form. Some deep emotional changes are happening as well so we must move with the changes, allow what wants to come forth, and trust our inner knowing and guidance.
Your enthusiasm, idealism and creativity could be at an all-time high. You could be bursting with new ideas. You could have sudden insights. You can move from breakdown to breakthrough. You are experiencing a transformation in consciousness.
Sometimes your growth can feel weird and strange when you are no longer connecting to your past. But truly, the old way of living no longer works for you. You are experiencing new aspects of yourself and life. You are giving birth to the new you, and giving birth is painful. This is real work. This is real growth. There is so much to celebrate right now. Realize that to live out new, promising visions there’s a need to restructure. A new vision of the future will be illuminated, it is up to you what you do with it.
Most of all tonight’s SuperMoon will be about healing, let the waves of Pisces psychic energy wash over you, cleansing you of negative thoughts and feelings, let go of the past and welcome in the future. This is the harvest and it is time to start reaping what we have sown, your hard work will start paying off. Take the gifts life offers you and make the most of them. 🌕🌝 #moon #supermoon #newbeginnings

4

I’m working on this new project called “selfLove” because I tend to lose myself too easily or I stop loving myself & I get tired of crying or wishing I looked like others girls when I just want to love myself , I want to see my beauty & embrace my flaws , so I’m gonna use my camera to hopefully overcome this .

All moved in

Here is a little mini update: 

Last week I closed on my condo and the next day wrapped up a big photo shoot so I couldn’t really start packing until the weekend.  On Saturday I went food shopping for the first time in Jersey at Whole Foods & Trader Joe’s. Then on Sunday I signed up at my new gym and finished some shopping up with my man. After touring 4 or so gyms and not really digging any of them I finally found the place where I am going to dedicate the rest of 2015 to getting back to my best self. They gave me a free week to workout before my membership officially starts on September 1st which means I have a week to slowly adjust in my new area and get into a new routine. I also get two free training sessions! All three floors of the gym overlook the Manhattan skyline and the 1st floor has a juice bar and spa. Win Win Win.  It’s a local family owned place which I prefer over large chain gyms and I think my favorite thing is the name… Can Do Fitness. 

YES, I CAN DO THIS thing AGAIN. 

It is one thing to say you love someone, that part is easy. What’s important is that you show someone how much you love them. Words are just words. But love is action. In a relationship it should be love serving love. One sided relationships will not last. Give your all or don’t even get involved in the first place. Some people want true love but it takes two. Don’t ruin it for the ones who do give their all.
—  Mardy Bryant

For more like this follow me at mardybryant.tumblr.com
Press Play

I had this vision of where I would be at this point in my life and it’s not where I am. Instead of settling into the life I’m actually living and finding a sort of happiness I have been self sabotaging myself for years.

I grew up afraid of money. Money in my family was used to manipulate. For a while we had no money, then we had a lot of money, then my parents lost it all. I got the message that money was fleeting and there was never enough.

I’ve carried this fear that I would never be stable, and kept affirming poverty for myself subconsciously and so for a while things just kept getting worse. I was homeless sleeping on my best friends floor and later ended up in a destitute cohousing situation where I lived in a garage surrounded by three big dogs.

I believed that all the men I met would abandon me, ignore me, undervalue me or just use me for sex so I kept meeting those type of men.

I at some point decided I couldn’t write and that I couldn’t say I was a writer anymore. The myriad of internal excuses included 1. No one would publish me 2. I am a bad writer 3. No one wants to read what I have to write 4. Im too busy 5. Writers block 6. Maybe I’m just not that smart or talented. I’d already decided I’d fail without even trying.

I have a master’s in creative writing. I literally have had instructors all my life tell me I’m special and I should publish but I totally just chickened out. I let depression consume me. Then time passed and I still wasn’t writing. I felt guilty about not writing…but I still wasn’t writing.

People ask me what I went to school for and when I tell them writing there’s always pressure in my chest. I scramble for explanations and justifications for my degree. Why did I go into so much school debt to not write?
Why did I do porn? Why do I work in retail when I have this degree?

The guilt and feelings of failure were oppresive.
So then I would write something. Maybe a blog, maybe a tiny review on an online site. My writing is rusty, I’m out of practice. I look at it and it lacks the finesse of writing I did while in grad school. I get discouraged and I stop.

It gets exhausting living in that self critical place. I always feel accountable to this invisible judgemental audience. I never fully relax because on some level I dont feel I deserve it. I work six days a week for the invisible audience because I tell myself If I work all the time at least they wont think I’m lazy. Even when I’m off I have trouble relaxing.

Truth is I have been scared to live up to my potential. I’ve been scared to fail. And its as if I decided because I dont already have all the things I wanted by now it’s already over.
I’ve had a lot of dreams other than writing books. I constantly have ideas for cool projects. Podcasts, videos, art, music… They are always good ideas that get my friends excited. I just talk about it then I extinguish those ideas and dreams before they even have a chance to take root.

My dreams have been on pause.
So when I talk about how important it is for me now to change and become a positive and more spiritual person I am literally talking about saving my life. I am forced to really see how I’ve gotten in my own way. I also am forced to not rely on a critical revisionist history as a basis of my self worth.

I am quick to lay harsh judgement on myself for living like a college student, working a low paying job and being single and I’ve failed to see my successes. I somehow expected that despite having mentally ill parental figures and gaurdians and an unstable traumatic childhood and young adulthood that I’d be unscathed. I edited out my hormonal imbalance and chronic depression. I never give myself credit for surviving it all.

In my mind I’m supposed to be superwoman and because I’m not a long time ago I told myself I was worthless. The only writing I used to do were different versions of suicide letters. I haven’t wanted to really see myself. For a long time I’ve felt lost and was getting caught in the undertow of fear and doubt.

When I quit porn and started working on my health things started to change. Last year this time I stopped telling myself I wasn’t capable of getting healthy. I didn’t know how I was going to do it but I just charged forward.

Things started to improve. My confidence increased and the distance from porn made me see myself as more than just a collection of parts. I wasnt evaulating my body in terms of how much I could charge for a film or how marketable I was. I wasnt camming and dealing with an onslaught of judgement from complete strangers. I began to be more free. The exercise and the anti depressants made it easier to feel more in control of my life.

So now that I’ve made the physical strides it’s time to do the hard mental and emotional work. Getting to the root of everything feels like cutting out rot. That is what this blog is about. Its about digging deep but its also me writing.

It doesnt matter if it’s good it just matters that I’m making myself do it. I’m making myself make little videos. Im making myself try. I have things that I want to write and podcast and video ideas and now I’m giving myself permission to explore them. I’m not going to fixate on perfection. I’m just ignoring the invisible audience and allowing myself to press play.

I’m giving myself permission to let go of the guilt the judgement and shame and pursue my dream rather then settle into unhappiness.

Here is my new start. Its scary. Its awkward. Its long-winded and it needs fine tuning. But its better than being stagnant.

New Beginnings |Koliver

The weekend had unfortunately come to an end but the feeling of being close to his husband hadn’t left him yet. It was almost as if they had suddenly become more magnetic and attractive to each other, craving the other’s body and presence. Kit grips the man’s hand and leads him up the stairs, there was something warm pooling in his stomach due to things heating up on the couch. “You look extra handsome tonight” Kit whispers, a soft throaty sound to his voice. To be honest, he was nervous to be intimate with Oliver for the first time since his first time with him and he’s slightly confused as to why. 

New beginnings

I decided to start my blog from scratch. Out with the old and in with the new. I meant to start sooner but what better time than now right? The last month has been quite chaotic and interesting. I’ll write and post more in the future but for now I’d like to say hello to well wishes to everyone. If you’re one of the people who’s sent me well wishes and sentiments since my abdominal/stomach surgery earlier this month, thank you so very much.

I appreciate you all. You have no idea how difficult these last few weeks have been for myself. It’s been truly life changing but the things my doctor has done for me is everlasting. It’s going to be so wonderful to look great but also FEEL great. This month has been a roller coaster but I’m excited to live a “new life” of sorts.

On July 25, I went to take a shower and I collapsed and blacked out. The day before I had a very high fever and felt completely horrible. After I came to, I called my mother and went to the ER. After lots of medication and testing, doctors told me I was sick and needed to see a specialist and have surgery ASAP. I saw a specialist July 29th and scheduled for surgery August 6th.

I’d rather not go into full detail as to everything I had done but let’s just say he went inside my female parts and cleaned house. I had a cyst that was the size of a softball, my right ovary was enlarged 4+times the left, it had attached itself to my wall, I had 2 more small cysts, massive edema and fluid built up. That’s just the gist because good lord it was a lot.

That’s what happens when you don’t have insurance and spend years trying to get it. Years of trying only to be constantly denied, referred to a different carrier, handed off to CC, passed over by MC and the cycle never ends. Somehow, by what I can only think of as divine intervention I managed to find one of the absolute best surgeon/doctors on the west coast who was determined to fix me insurance or not!! This man is truly a miracle. He also managed to do the surgery through a very small previous scar I already had since he changed the surgery from Laparoscopy.

Problem is its a stomach/abdominal surgery. From all the removal, manipulation of organs and insides, cleaning and the fact it’s my second abdominal surgery (childbirth) it makes the recovery much more intense. Recovery is brutal. Got me using a walker and everything :) I sympathize now with those in similar situations. I know this is only temporary it’s just frustrating as hell!

As much as I hate the timing and process of this, I can’t wait to live my life every day without the pain I was having. No more pain, no more problems. Plus, I quit smoking and I partially have my doctor to thank me for finally scaring some sense into me. The post op pain is brutal but nothing compared to the pain I was having prior. It does feel extremely bizarre feeling staples inside you. Quite gross actually. It’s just a intense process because you need your stomach/abdominal muscles for every-fucking-thing.

My highlights have been sitting in my backyard, being able to take a shower standing up on my own, cooking my own meal. Simple daily tasks one takes for granted. Not ready to drive yet. Hard to get up, hard to sit down. I’m starting to walk around my house w/out my walker but I won’t go outside without it. Last weekend I got a ride to RiteAid and couldn’t make it without crying.

Tomorrow I plan to try to walk without it but I’ll definitely keep it close to me. Not ready to ride without my training wheels yet. This week is another appointment and I’m hoping for the best. Just taking a little longer than we expected but it’s better to heal 100% than push it and not heal as best as I can. I suppose it’s good I eat healthy and am usually an active person.

Gotta stay positive. I don’t know why I thought I’d be recovered 3-4 weeks later. What a jackass lol. That’s what happens when you’ve been an independent single mom over 13 years. You get used to taking care of everyone else, go go go. Like an energizer bunny, I’ve never allowed myself any time to stop. I also can’t stand not being able to do things, helpless to a certain degree.

I do have an amazing daughter who’s been by my side all the way. Amazing friends, fam, doctor, supporters and I can pick up things with my toes!! 😂👍 I can’t explain to you how helpful it is to be able to grab things with your toes when you can’t bend over. Examples- dropping cords, socks, items or clothing or wash clothes, hair brush, sheets etc. I’ve tried to pick it all up if it keeps me from bending over forward LOL. I even joked to myself once when I dropped the soap in the shower😁

Everyone who knows me knows I have a foot fetish. A big one but I myself have gorgeous feet.

I have to find some humor in this situation. Someone people see the glass as half empty but I always strive to see it half full. Anyhow, thanks for reading. I know I don’t tweet or blog enough. The future looks good and hopefully you guys will love all the pictures & stuff I’ve been and will be working on in the future.

Until next time 😘✌🏻️❤️
Stay beautiful and take your birth control ladies. They help prevent ovarian cysts, not just getting prego. 😉
PS-Take the one I take. No side effects except breasts growing massively
PSS-B12 shots do wonders